Our Marriage hit the fan

[confusedman83]

So I would like to request some wisdom about my situation. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and we dated 2 years prior so 12 years total we have been together. This weekend we are beginning our first official separation and I keep going back and forth about how I feel about it. I am the one who initiated the separation and here is our history leading up to this point.

 

We started out working together in the restaurant business and we were pretty good friends. We never hung out outside of work, however, because she was married and had a child with her husband at the time. I moved away for 6 months to a different town and when I returned she approached me and told me she was divorced and asked if I wanted to hang out. I too was getting out of a relationship gone bad at the time so we went out together and sparks flew.

 

Within a couple weeks we were dating. We were the type who liked to have a good time and liked to go out to the local bars and restaurants together and drink and have all the fun. We had a blast together for a very long time. However, one day we found out we had a little one on the way. At this point I got an opportunity for a big boy job and took it and have been with the company since our marriage started. We have moved together a couple times to different areas of the country and we have continued to grow together. My wife is a very sweet, kind person loved by pretty much anyone that meets her. She also suffers from depression and anxiety because her mother was murdered when she was 15 and her father basically never was really involved in her life. I think due to this lack of attention from the two most important people in her life she has really had a need for social life.

 

So basically over the years what has transpired that has gotten us to this point is there have been hundreds of nights where she does not come home until 4AM, 5AM, 6AM, sometimes even 7AM. We have not really spent hardly any time together in years it feels like. I have spoken with her before about my concern of her continually staying out too late and sleeping all day and for years I was left with mostly full responsibility in the evenings and most weekends for our two children (we had a second one together) and my son from her first marriage. Now to be fair she did work in the restaurant business and had to work late on many of these nights but she didn’t get off work and come home. She would stay out drinking. There were nights that she “slept on the couch” at other guys houses whom I barely knew because she was too drunk to drive home. There was a night where she was carried into the house by a guy I barely knew after he rode home with her in the cab to make sure she made it home safely. This continued for a very long time and eventually I got lonely.

 

I have always had a problem with playing video games too much but I took it to the next level at this point. So we were both neglecting each other very badly. I met a girl on one of the games I played we became friends. She had a fiancé when we met but they ended up breaking it off and she and I slowly started becoming interested in each other. Eventually I ended up having snapchat sex with her (she lived 7 hours away).

 

One day shortly after this she came home at 7AM and I was getting up for the day. As she fell asleep her phone got a text message. I picked up the phone and saw it was her boss asking her to come back over. I decided to start texting him back and before I knew it I had her admitting to having sex with him on two different occasions. She admitted it and said both times she was blacked out drunk and there was no finish that once she realized what was happening she stopped it.

 

I took her word for it and came clean about my relationship with the other woman from the video game and what we had done. We both made changes in our life to try and fix the issues. We were both to cut off the other man and woman and she was no longer allowed to go to any of the bars he owned (which were her favorite places to hang out). She was also required to stay home most of the time and if she was going to do partying to just invite people over instead of staying out all night.

 

We tried this for a while and after a month or two I started talking to the girl from the video game again. I only did it initially when it was groups of 5 or 6 people together in the same party. I didn’t see any harm in it and my wife was aware I was doing it though she probably didn’t like it. Also on one occasion she asked me if it was ok to go out to one of the other guy’s bars for election night because all her friends would be there and yada yada. I told her no. She didn’t go.

 

I thought I would be able to deal with the situation and get past it but the thought of her having sex with the other guy continued to eat at me. I began feeling like a doormat and that I was an idiot to have stayed. I felt taken advantage of and I had always told her the one thing that would end us was if she ever cheated on me and here I am not leaving knowing she cheated. I felt soooooooo small.

 

Meanwhile the relationship with the other woman on the video game started developing again. We became very interested in each other. Lust was pulling us together. She lived 7 hours away and it always seemed impossible. Finally one night she decided she would drive down and stay the weekend so we could be together intimately if it is what I wanted. She is 22 years old and literally looks like a super model. I am 33 and starting to wonder how much longer my biological clock is going to give me these type of opportunities.

 

Also just a little back story my wife and I were always opened to having other women in the bedroom with us if we both found them attractive and the circumstances were right. She was bi curious and I always felt like part of the reason I married her was because she had always agreed we could have other women in the bedroom. She took that away from me once we had the issue with the other man and woman and said she felt like it was too risky.

 

So I decided to have the girl come down to see me. I did not like that I could no longer have other women in the bedroom anymore and I thought I could have an intimate weekend with the new girl and it would make me feel better about what had happened with my wife and the other man. I ended up having amazing sex with this girl 3 times on Friday, once on Saturday, and again Sunday morning before she left. We had so much sex she ended up in the emergency room literally for a UTI and spasming bladder.

 

At this point we became very interested in each other and seeking a way to be together. We started making plans about a future together. She had been someone I had confided in for over a year about my unhappiness with my wife’s previous behavior. We started plotting a time frame of when she would move down.

 

So after a while I did research and found out all the best information about the conversation of divorce with your spouse. When I told my wife I felt our marriage was ending she was devastated. Watching the pain in her eyes and seeing her in this state of shock was truly difficult. Due to the emotion I almost instantly changed my mind and didn’t want to leave. But I stuck with my guns for a bit and ended up telling her I wanted to try a separation (in house).

 

Eventually I realized I had too many irons in the fire too quickly and this was not going to work out well. I started feeling majorly guilty about having this affair and making all these plans behind her back before finishing things with her. After all she is the mother of my children and truly is a good and sweet person at heart and deserves to be respected.

 

I ended up telling the other woman that we would have to postpone our plans until I knew for sure I wanted divorce. The other woman was devastated. She had dropped out of college the current semester to be able to move to me and had put in a 3 month notice at her job. She completely cut me off from any communication except text messages.

 

I came clean to my wife about the affair. Of course she was very upset but after giving her a couple days to think about it she still said she wanted to try and work things out. She came on to me a bit in the bedroom and we ended up having sex for the first time in 2 months. It was mediocre at best. We have had amazing sex before but this just felt like going through the motions. I felt like I was falling right back into the same situation I had been living with for years. It only took 2 or 3 days before I told her I still felt like I was probably going to want divorce and that we needed to try an out of house separation first to see how I felt.

 

I have sought help from a counselor to help me see what else I might be missing from my situation. Of course my wife is very upset again and does not want this. We told our children last night that we are going to do a one month separation. Mommy and Daddy would not be in the house together very often as we were going to go stay with other friends and family so that children wouldn’t have to leave the house.

 

The kids handled it pretty well mostly but of course there was sadness and concern from all three. We are staring the separation in one week to give them time to prepare. My wife just looks miserable constantly and I feel awful because of it. She has expressed interest in trying to work on the marriage and fix the things that need to be addressed. It has been awful the past few years though.

 

The house is a constant disaster area with kid’s belongings and dishes and trash everywhere. We have both failed as parents and spouses during this whole ordeal. I feel like I have changed quite a bit over the years and slowed down my partying quite a bit. However it seems hers has not really slowed much. I feel like she has become an alcoholic and put herself in some terrible situations on many occasions and left me holding the bag. I would wonder if she would be in jail, at someone else’s house having sex, in a car wreck. I called the hospital and police office before because she was not answering the phone when I called late at night to try and find out where she was.

 

There are so many things that would have to change I just don’t know if either of us are capable of going through and making the changes needed for our relationship to be healthy. I do still love her but I haven’t really felt attracted to her in a while. She literally never tries to look nice for me. She looks beautiful before she goes to work or goes out. But when she is home there is never any attempt to look nice for me. I mean I don’t expect it all the time but knock my socks off once in a while you know? Blow me away!

 

So I sit here wondering if I am making the right choice with the separation and possible divorce. Virtually any family members, friends of mine, or shared friends of me and my wife who still genuinely cares about both of us tell me they don’t blame me one bit for wanting out. From most of their points of view they are surprised I didn’t leave a long time ago. Even the counselor I have been seeing feels like there was finally a straw that broke the camel's back. However, it’s super difficult and I don’t want to look back and feel like I made the wrong decision here. Please hit me with any wisdom you may have that could help me! Thanks

[somanymistakes]

What a mess. There's nothing you can do at this point that isn't going to badly hurt multiple people. Your girlfriend tore apart her life based on your promises, and there may not be any way for you to fix that. Your relationship with your wife is a mess and may or may not be salvageable. And your kids are probably feeling neglected with all this craziness going on around their heads.

 

Separation seems like the right thing to do. You and your wife need space, you need to get out of each other's way for a while and work out whether you really want to be together (and are capable of making each other happy) without the pressure of inertia.

 

I couldn't quite tell - are you trying to be separated in the same household? Because that's not going to work. You need distance to think clearly right now. You may need to see if she can get a friend or relative to live with her for a while to help out with the kids and make sure she's looking after herself.

 

I don't think married people should always stay together if they have legitimately grown apart, but a good solid shock of changed circumstances might help you both reassess and fight for each other. With some distance between you, you both might be more motivated to woo each other and not take each other for granted. At the same time, getting actual distance between you will make it easier to move into a full divorce if that turns out to be the best thing.

[ShatteredLady]

Is your wife an alcoholic? I mean PLEASE look deep inside & answer that question. This situation is going to be incredibly stressful, particularly for a party girl who has never grown-up & made real, grown-up sacrifices for her children. I genuinely fear that this will drown her in a bottle & something terrible could happen to your children!

 

You BOTH come across as self-destructive, conflict avoidant people. Why on earth do you have innocent children? Your wife goes out parting all night & you escape into computer games & your children....???

 

You've BOTH sc**wed-up! Do you have a responsible family member who can step-in & take care of your children while you both try to sort your lives out? Children need routine, care, hygienic living conditions....Children NEED!!

 

Your wife is a grown woman. Regardless of her childhood she does not NEED to party. You guys don't NEED 3ways, affair partners, fall down drunken fights, burying yourself in computer games while the trash piles up. This is so much bigger than your selfish needs!

 

Your wife needs AA. You BOTH need therapy. This is so frighteningly toxic!!

[Mr. Lucky]

Please hit me with any wisdom you may have that could help me! Thanks

 

Your wife isn't posting here so no comment on her situation.

 

As for you - warning, tough love coming.

 

Your post is so full of excuses, rationalization and such a lack of self-responsibility it's tough to know where to begin.

 

Marriages aren't entities unto themselves, they don't become toxic on their own nor do they recover spontaneously. Same with affairs, they don't develop or occur organically. You portray yourself as a passenger, hauled off to destinations you didn't intend. This seems to be your defense mechanism to avoid taking responsibility for your destructive and selfish choices.

 

Your wife has done plenty to merit divorcing her. Refusing to come home, cheating on you, drinking to excess, all good reasons to pick up the phone and call a lawyer. But your passive/aggressive decision to stay and play the blame/validation game has created the mess that brings you here today.

 

Were it me, I'd separate if only for sanity's sake and to establish a healthy baseline, something missing right now. And while focusing on being the best parent I could to the 3 kids caught up in the drama, I'd enter IC to understand why this particular set of terrible choices. As for your wife, I'd make her understand some combination of therapy and AA was a requirement were you ever to attempt reconciliation.

 

Lots of broken pieces here, best addressed one at a time. You can start by owning your part of this and moving proactively to make things better.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lady2163]

You've given us a lot of information.

 

First of all, yes, your chances of being able to score another 22 year old are slipping away. You need to let her go, no matter how good the sex is. Does she want kids? Do you really want more kids? That's a major difference and there's no need to "waste" these years of her life if you know she wants kids and you don't. She deserves to have her twenties be enjoyable, not dealing with a boyfriend's divorce and custody arrangements. I'm not sure what you bring to the table for her. She deserves a man who isn't giving 25-50% of his income to his previous family.

 

Secondly, you seem to want the best of both worlds. You want some old school traditionalism - the comment about your wife looking nice every once in a while is very telling. You do realize the reason June Cleaver looked so perfect was because she didn't work outside of the home and Wally and the Beaver were pretty self-sufficient kids, right? I'm retired and if I was living with someone or married I don't know how much effort I'd make while I was at home. If we had a date planned, then yes, I'd go through all the motions - if he did as well. Somehow, I don't think you sit and play your video games wearing a necktie. If you lounge around the home on your off hours in boxers and a t-shirt, you really can't expect her to get out of her pajamas, either.

 

I'm not excusing your wife. She also seems to want the best of two worlds. She wants the security of a home life, yet still parties like a 21 year old. And lives her life like she is single.

 

I know you're younger than I am. I was raised middle class and upper middle class. Parents didn't stay out until all hours of the night and morning. That was unheard of. I'm not saying father's were that hands on with raising children, but no way was it acceptable to go out after work for very long. I was a member of a military service organization (vfw, American Legion, Dav) and there would be a mass exodus from the bar at 5:55. Everyone knew they had to be home by 600.

 

Separation is probably the best thing for you. You are toxic for each other. And you both need to grow up. Are you going to be a husband and a father or that kid who plays video games and possibly doesn't pull his weight around the house?

 

You have kids. You're 33. Play time is over. Adulthood sometimes sucks.

 

But sincerely - good luck to you. Keep seeing your counselor.

[seren]

The most important people in this whole chaotic lifestyle are your children, when you choose to have children you have to put on a very different hat as a parent. Number one is that they feel secure, loved and are protected, those are the very least things parents have to provide their children with. They do not thrive in chaos and it sounds like between you both, you and your wife having created a very chaotic lifestyle. That is quite simple to resolve. Roll your sleeves up, get the house sorted and put them first. That means being there, regular mealtimes, bedtimes, lots of love and giving of yourself, a good parent always puts their children before themselves. Be that parent.

 

IDK what is going on with your wife, it all sounds very self destructive to me, have you asked why, what is going on, what she wants? If you both cannot fix this broken marriage then make plans to separate and leave, or she leaves and you have the children, again, it is messy to work out, but not insurmountable. It can be scary, it can seem like it will never work, but with time and commitment it can. Having left 2 toxic marriages myself I can tell you the realisation that me and the ex husband's were wrong for each other was such a relief to acknowledge. Beginning again is always difficult, more so with children, but the alternative is to spend your life in this mess, it will eventually make you bitter, time will go on and you will end up wondering what the hell happened to You.

 

Having an affair right now would just add to this chaotic muddle, TBH it wouldn't make for a very attractive life for another woman, maybe you are looking for someone to step in and make it all right, but, to introduce another person into the mix would be wrong for your children. If you are to provide them with a good life, get yourself sorted first. As for introducing another into the bedroom, I don't se how that can work out unless you have a strong relationship to start with.

 

My advice would be to begin by sorting out the mess you can deal with, namely the physical mess in your home, if your wife isn't home for your children then you need to be, be there at mealtimes, for them before they go to bed and help make their world secure. Then, take a look at what you want next, if it is for your marriage to work, give your wife some ground rules, give her the address of the nearest AA, support her through this, or not and make plans for her to leave, if you are to have the children, if not, then ensure they are safe and cared for and make plans to leave yourself. Tale charge of this situation, no blame shifting, no excuses, put your children first, always and get those sleeves rolled up. A good marriage on the rocks can be saved if both want that, a bad marriage that has nothing going for it should be ended. I hope you find peace.

[JS84]

Please tell me your kids are sequestered in a different section of the house than you and the missus. Because they do not need to see the *****show you and your wife have been putting on.

 

Do you all even worry about the effects your degenerate behavior is going to have on your children??? Or are you two just that selfish and self-centered??

[confusedman83]

@somanymistakes

We started out trying an in house separation and quickly realized that wasn't going to work. Since I have officially broke things completely off with the other woman we have started to grow back together some. We told the kids on Sunday we would be having a separation to help make things better. Our plan is to have the kids 3.5 days per week each and her and I will be the ones leaving the home not the kids. We will stay with family and friends. And thanks for the helpful feedback.

 

@shatteredlady

Yes, I think my wife is an alcoholic. She has agreed to not drink anything at least from now until the end of the separation which is a good first step in my mind. I am definitely concerned about my children too and will be close by in case she does not follow through with this. And yes I think we are conflict avoidant. We have discussed this recently and basically put everything on the table. All the conflicts and issues that have been building up over the years. And we are looking at scheduling marriage counseling to see if things can be salvaged at this point. And yes we have children and we NEED to do much better with them. We had some good years paying close attention and doing the right things early in the marriage. I don't really know how it all went so sour. I guess human nature of taking things for granted. We are working to salvage whats important in our lives. Thanks for the tough love.

 

@MrLucky

You are 100% right about my excuses and lack of responsibility. One of the things I put on my list of things that needed to chang about me for our marriage to work was that I must take leadership over the family. Looking back I have made attempts at that before that were blocked by my wife. I wasn't assertive enough and did not push back enough. I kind of gave up when she would shut me down. That's something I have to change in order for this to work for sure. And of all the changes we have discussed we have both agreed that we must start living them now or they will never happen. The last 3 days have been hopeful. Our separation starts this coming Sunday 1/29/2017.

 

@Lady2163

[confusedman83]

@Lady2163

The other woman initially said she wanted 2 to 4 kids early on. But she also said she never wanted to have kids for most of her life and that she recently had thought about it for fear of missing out. I told her I don't really want anymore but would be willing to have one for her if its what she really wanted. A few days later she said she felt like she didn't really want to have them and said I should get snipped. I told her I would not do that until she was 100% sure she didn't want to have any. We have not communicated for 5 days now and it has made it a lot easier for my wife and I to start to reconnect. Touche on the lounging around in my boxers and T Shirt. I guess what I was trying to say with that is it would be nice if once a week or once a month even she threw on that super sexy lingerie I bought her 5 years ago and caught me off guard. She has worn it once ever. And yes you are right. Adulthood sometimes sucks and I am going to see my counselor again tomorrow. Thanks

 

@seren

You are right about rolling the sleeves up and getting the house sorted and putting them first. The last 3 days have been pretty awesome for that. We have literally transformed the house with seemingly little effort. It actually is clean again and the kids are learning to pick up after themselves or they will get called out on it.

Also I think I have already gotten to that point of feeling bitter and what happened to me? I was very gung ho about being a great parent early on and it has faded and I have taken them for granted for sure. But I feel like we are realizing that and are starting to take the proper steps to get things back on the right track. She has a big fear of the separation though and feels like I might find out I am happier without her. We will see I guess.

Also you are right about the affair. I realize now that if we started a new relationship anytime soon it would be destined to fail. I have told the other woman this and we have agreed to stop talking but are open to reaching out in the future if my resolution ends up being divorce.

I think our marriage is definitely a good one on the rocks. We have had some excellent times over the years. I just don't see how it got to this point but here we are. We are going to try and salvage things one last time. But we are going to do everything (counseling, being more conscious or our actions, etc) this time that we didn't do before and see if we can climb out of this rut. Here's hoping. Thanks for the insight.

 

@JS84

Insults aren't helpful. And yes we are certainly selfish and self centered sometimes. I think to an extent everyone is. It's how well you notice it and balance it that makes the difference. If you never do anything for yourself then you are neglecting yourself IMO. And I definitely worry about how our behavior is affecting our kids. My wife on the other hand did not have much involvement from either of her parents and she more or less feels like us just being around is way better than she ever got. I had a very loving mother who became a single mom through divorce of my father and she did everything she could for us three boys. So proud of her and want to do well for ours too. Having said that, anytime I have approached my wife about making improvements (I was reading a book called simplicity parenting) it was met with fear and lack of interest in trying the new things. It made her feel like we weren't doing good enough. After multiple failed attempts to get her on board I guess I kind of let it slips through the cracks and gave up. I shouldn't have. That's what I need to change and get back on track. Thanks for making me think about all this at least.

[Cephalopod]

I honestly think you need to divorce your wife and file for joint custody. Your marriage is toast. Get a place of your own and provide an uncluttered, clean and healthy place for them to come and stay with you. Get yourself into some individual counseling to help you learn methods to make good decisions and set healthy boundaries for yourself. You need to fix you in order for your life to be fixed.

[wmacbride]

op,

not trying to be rude, but both you and your wife are acting like children yourselves.

 

Parents don't go out drinking binges, they don't spend all night on video games or having snapchat sex behind their wife's back, they aren't bringing other women home for sex, they aren't letting their house go to hell while they are staring at a screen or spending time with the bottle.

 

Please, drop all the peripheral stuff that's not important and spend that time on your family. You'll be glad you did.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I think my wife is an alcoholic. She has agreed to not drink anything at least from now until the end of the separation which is a good first step in my mind. I am definitely concerned about my children too and will be close by in case she does not follow through with this.

 

OP, since you're in the restaurant business, I'd guess you've seen enough of this close-up to understand this isn't how it works. Alcoholics don't just "agree to not drink anything", especially when their life's been build around liquor and partying for the last decade. She'll need the support of a program to have a realistic chance and even then there'll be some stumbles along the way.

 

I just don't see how it got to this point but here we are.

 

I don't really know how it all went so sour. I guess human nature of taking things for granted.

 

Really confusedman83, you don't know how you got to this point :confused: ???

 

You'll have made some progress when you stop thinking this way. Even the title "Our Marriage hit the fan" is misleading. There's no mystery, your marriage didn't hit the fan - you and your wife threw the relationship into a dumpster. And then set it on fire.

 

You can't avoid making the same mistakes unless you understand and take ownership of what occurred. Change takes courage and honesty, and you'll have to stop representing yourself as a victim of circumstances if you're going to succeed in rebuilding a life together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lady2163]

Monica Lewinsky was 23 when she met Bill Clinton. That worked out well for her.

 

Let your 22 year old OW go. Most people change their attitudes from age 22 to 35. Her biological clock has not yet begun to tick. Again, she doesn't deserve to grow up and old with you. Maybe you don't realize what you're doing to her. Hopefully, she doesn't break NC, because I think you will jump right back in with her. I've sort of been there and it caused lifelong damage. I could have been so much more than what I am today if I hadn't become entangled with married men. The older I get, the more warped I realize it was.

 

As for your wife wearing a sexy negligee just because you bought it for her.

 

1. Often they aren't very comfortable to sleep in.

2. Not that you want to sleep when she wears it.

 

Men are often stimulated visually, women are often stimulated by action or tactile. You want her to wear it to please you and arouse you. You want her to want to wear it and there's enough dysfunction in your marriage that I'm guessing she isn't feeling real charitable or giving. Not that she hasn't misbehaved and acted poorly. I just don't think you have the kind of relationship where either of you really put yourself out for the other person anymore.

[Rouik]

It sounds like you have a lot to figure out, marriages are hard they take two people to make them work. From what you are posting it does not seem like there is anyone one working on your marriage. You will have to make a decision and stick with it, back and forth is hard for you and your wife, but is the most devastating for the children. Use the separation to recenter yourself, work on your foundation. You will have to be a strong hold for your kids during this time, and to do that you will need some good friends in your life. You mentioned counseling, are you still going? finding another man*instead of another*women to confide in will be very healthy for you. Good luck , and remember your kids need a safe and healthy place to call home.

[BaileyB]

Your story is a tangled mess, of selfish behavior, irresponsibility, infidelity, and alcohol abuse. Your children are being raised in a very unhealthy home with parents who are behaving more like selfish, entitled children than responsible parents. It's time to accept responsibility for your behavior and make a better home for your children.

[BluesPower]

Wow, just wow...

 

You two are just a mess in every way buddy. So let's get a couple of things on the table so we can all be real.

 

First off, why would you allow you wife to be out until 4, 5, 6, 7, in the morning did you not think that was suspicious at all??? That is just ridicules on your part as a husband. No responsible married woman behaves that way.

 

Second, you know that all of those time she was out drinking after work.... Yeah she was getting laid. So you need to take all the times she was out and add them up. Subtract maybe 20% that she was to drunk to screw or could not land anyone to screw her and that is actually a good figure of how many times she has screw another man while you were married.

 

Third, you abdicated your responsibility as a husband by allowing this behavior. Maybe if you had been a man about it you could have stopped it, and maybe not. Maybe you should already be divorced, and at the very least you would have gotten your children away from a drunk mother and you would have had some dignity left as well.

 

Forth, Dude you are no better. You are screwing the video game girl and had the woman ready to move down before you were sure about a divorce, WTF? And I guess we are supposed to believe that you have not slept with any other women when you know your wife was out screwing at least her boss and god knows who else?????

 

Fifth, Dude, you need a paternity test on at least your second child maybe your first.

 

So, do you see anything here worth saving???? You two are worse than I ever was and I was horrible. You have got to be kidding me with this S***!!!!

 

What do you think you should do???

[confusedman83]

So as of now the other woman and I have not reconnected. As a matter of fact I tried to end things completely on nice terms but she couldn't let go so I had to tell her it was over and of course now she hates me. Understandable I guess.

 

However, my wife and I are making progress. The last 2 weeks have been very good. We have been focused on our priorities, keeping the house clean, paying closer attention to each other, paying closer attention to the kids, and discussing all the little things that we need to work on. I feel like we are headed in the right direction for sure. She has always been a good person on the inside and we literally NEVER fought up to this point. And we really didn't even fight recently. We discuss the issues like adults (no yelling, cussing, etc.)

 

Things are going so well in fact we decided not to separate. This is because we didn't see any real value in separating because it's not like we are fighting or hate to be around each other. It's more like we just stopped paying attention to each other previously.

 

We are doing things together now (cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc.) and talking things out. I feel like a big part of these issues that came up are that I had sort of lost my identity and started to take on her identity and I needed to be me again. I have joined a basketball team and will be playing weekly games starting next week. I have been reaching out to and hanging out with friends I was close with before our marriage. And I am looking to start a Reggae band (I drum). The only time I really did anything in the past besides be at home would be doing things she wanted to do.

 

The kids are also responding very well to the recent changes and enforcement of rules and chores around the house. The house is 90% clean! YAAAAAY!

 

Thanks for all the wisdom and wishes. We will get there one step at a time!

[Just a Guy]

Hi confused, has your wife been attending rehab and if so, has she made significant progress? If she was an alcoholic she will not be able to kick the habit on her own but need help like AA or a therapist. Hope it all goes well for you. Warm wishes.