Being the single friend

[amkxoxo]

So I am currently the only one out of all of my friends who is single. I had a tough year, last year with men and vowed to stay single for a while to figure things out. I’m almost 25, and needed some alone time. Now that I am ready to be open to love again, all of my friends are in committed relationships. I feel kind of left out of the trend. I see many of them throughout the week, but often times they are with their boyfriends. Sometimes when we make group plans, I end up being the only single person and I back out. I hate feeling like a third wheel. I felt absolutely terrible that I had to bail on my friends birthday. But she literally invited 3 other couples, and me. Last minute she let me know that if I found someone to bring that would be fine. I was almost offended by it. Like yes, let me just go through my phone and call all these available men. If I knew all great available men, I wouldn’t be single.

 

As great as my girl friends are, it’s tough because they will say “Well is this a girl thing or …” and because of me it has to be an all-girl thing, because I would be alone if it wasn’t. I feel bad. I feel alone, like I am the lame single friend. I recently started talking to someone online. Well we met in school a few times, but he’s away at school and we’ve been talking. I’m attracted to him a lot. I’m open to seeing where things go since he will eventually come back to living here. I feel like my friends don’t take it seriously at all. They are talking about getting engaged and when they would like to get married and here I am gushing about how my online guy called me beautiful the other night. It’s not even a comparison. I don’t want to just go out and find someone. It’s not my style. I’m not desperate either. 3 out of my 4 friends found their boyfriends on online dating sites. I don’t like meeting people this way. This guy and I met on facebook, since we went to college together. I want to be in a relationship. I’m in no rush. I would rather be alone then not be with the right person, or someone I don’t feel totally great about.

 

How do people handle meeting new people and being the only single friend?

[NinjaX]

Well... I use online dating like you. Takes time, patience and effort to get results. I certainly do not recommend ruling it out because to me, it's an efficient way to meet single people outside of your social circle.

 

 

When it comes to being single, it's really a matter of self-confidence. If you perceive being single as lacking something in your life, then you are going to feel insecure about it.

 

 

I enjoy my single life. I have a blast with my hobbies, and if someone wants to come along, bring positive impact to my life, then great. If not, then I will find joy doing my own things.

 

 

As a guy, my perspective might be different. I'm 28 right now, and I'm in no rush to settle down.

[amkxoxo]

Thanks Ninja X for the response. Its nice to hear from a guy's perspective. Thats my thing. I am in no rush to settle, but its hard not to feel pressure when all your friends will most likely be engaged in a year or two, and I haven't even met someone serious yet. I haven't been online dating. Its just not for me. I still like meeting people in person.

 

Recently a guy I went to college with, but barely knew, started talking to me on Facebook. He asked for my number and he texts me everyday. We talk for hours. I'm very attracted to him, but I can't tell what his intentions are. We kept trying to meet in person, but he kept having things come up, which I think was excuses. He claims we didn't have good timing he tried hard to see me, but one day he even skipped seeing me so he could go to the gym. Now he is back at graduate school 4 hours away. I figured I wouldn't hear from him, but he still texts me every night and we talk for a long time. We flirt and he has been asking me to come there to see him. I'm not desperate so I keep telling him no, and that he had his chance when he was here with his family. He told me he's coming around for a weekend in April, but since he bailed on plans a few times already I'm not holding my breath. After that he won't be back here until November.

 

But even my friends just don't take it seriously. They keep telling me since he's not here, that I should just move on and meet someone who is here. Like its so easy. I think they just want me to meet someone asap so its not bad all going out together.

 

Oh and I feel like now that my friends all have boyfriends they look at me like the sad friend who is alone. They keep trying to get me to meet guy friends of their boyfriends and are suddenly love experts, trying to set me up with people. I guess I do lack some confidence. I have so much to offer and a great life. A guy would be a great addition. I have a great job, apartment, and all on my own at 24. I'm pretty, smart, and kind. I just feel like maybe I'm not good enough for guys to notice.

Edited January 25, 2017 by amkxoxo

[Newcitygirl]

I totally get that as well. I've been single for 3.5 years. My family wonders why I am single or if I'm a lesbian. It is like why can't a girl just be single? One of the years was intentional being single. Others I'm just picky on who I date. People have offered to set me up and I'm like thanks but no thanks. I've done online dating before and after a month. This time on my second day of online dating I met a guy who I really seemed to like on our date. Which was a rarity. He seemed completely normal. Definitely something I'd be interested in. Online dating just takes time. Have fun being single. When in a relationship you will miss that time.

[offwithhishead]

 

Oh and I feel like now that my friends all have boyfriends they look at me like the sad friend who is alone. They keep trying to get me to meet guy friends of their boyfriends and are suddenly love experts, trying to set me up with people. I guess I do lack some confidence. I have so much to offer and a great life. A guy would be a great addition. I have a great job, apartment, and all on my own at 24. I'm pretty, smart, and kind. I just feel like maybe I'm not good enough for guys to notice.

 

Please don't feel this way. I'm a guy and I know how you feel. Believe it or not, guys do the same thing to their guy friends. I'm in the same situation as you in my social circle. I'm the single guy.

 

And I get the EXACT same comments as you. My friends can't figure out why I can't get a girlfriend and what's worse, my parents and my parents' friends all think I'm this great guy and they praise me all the time. And trust me, it's worse because I'm Asian and with my parents' Asian social circle, there's a lot more gossip.

 

I really hate hearing about how supposedly "great" I am. Not that I think I suck or anything. I do have good things going for me. I'm like you. I have my own place. Great career. On paper, I look pretty good. I'm the Asian poster boy to the point that I get offered from my parents' Asian friends to set me up. I tried it out once and it was a disaster and I'm never doing it again.

 

What a lot of your friends and probably my friends is, a lot of this just has to do with luck. They think that because they did X, Y and Z, they found someone and that if you do X, Y and Z, you will find someone. Life doesn't work that way. And luck plays a larger role than most people think.

 

I totally get that as well. I've been single for 3.5 years. My family wonders why I am single or if I'm a lesbian. It is like why can't a girl just be single? One of the years was intentional being single. Others I'm just picky on who I date. People have offered to set me up and I'm like thanks but no thanks. I've done online dating before and after a month. This time on my second day of online dating I met a guy who I really seemed to like on our date. Which was a rarity. He seemed completely normal. Definitely something I'd be interested in. Online dating just takes time. Have fun being single. When in a relationship you will miss that time.

 

I find it fascinating that girls are frustrated with online dating as well. If you're a girl and you're reasonably attractive, you should be bombarded with lots of guys messaging you. Shouldn't that make you feel good about yourself? Then all you gotta do is filter out the creepy guys who just want sex and meet up with the guys who are actually looking for a relationship.

 

Contrast this with a typical guy's online dating experience where you see a girl's profile and it seems like you have so much in common and that you'd get along great. So you write a long nice message to her and she either doesn't read it or if she read it, she's not interested and never replies.

[amkxoxo]

I don't online date, but my friends have and I know a decent amount about how it works. Its really hard to trust men online. Sorry to say but 75% of them are looking to hookup only. So the long messages don't convince us that you want a relationship.

 

Thats my issue too. Guys that don't want anything serious. I literally just opened my eyes to this guy I have been talking to though text message. I have now realized I've wasted a month and a half of my life on a player. He was, as you would say, creating a fantasy. He talked to me as though we were dating, would create scenarios almost like they were happening. But they weren't. He and I never met. At first, I was enamored with it. But as time went on, and now, I see that he wasn't respecting me or taking it seriously. He wanted to see how far I would go and if he could get in my pants. Our conversations were suggestive, and I at first I found it intriguing. But now, its just disrespectful. If you can't even ask what my favorite movie is, then I'm done.

 

I totally understand the whole everyone telling you "but you're so great." I too hear it from my family members. How nice I am. How smart I am. How accomplished I am. The worst thing that I hate hearing is "Oh you're so great, you are going to meet someone great for sure." And the dreaded "You will find someone good, sometimes waiting is worth it." Like someone perfect will pop up if I'm patient.

 

Where is he? I almost want to yell at them, because it hasn't worked thus far. I can't seem to find the right person. People I like, don't want anything serious or the timing is terrible. And the people that like me, just don't fit. Its never ending.

 

I've been dieting to look better, whitening my teeth, focused on my job, and I dress really well. I was cute before, so this is just to enhance. I feel like I am trying so hard and I never feel noticed. I'm almost 25. I don't sleep around. I don't have tons of experience sexually. I would love more, but with someone I care about.

 

Online dating is my last hope. I like meeting people in person. I like in person, first impressions. I work with all older people. I don't meet a lot of people my age. I don't expect to meet nice man out at a bar. Its hard to feel confident.

[Mysterio]

I am single and I don't feel bad being single. I have a variety of friends. Going through my close friends on my phone. 11 are attached /married. 7 are single.

 

I never feel like the third wheel. I don't feel strange being around them. The only thing that comes to mind, is that I think that you have to just go to recreational activities and meet people and let the fun begin.

[Tribble]

Oh I feel you. I have a fairly small social circle (which is exactly how I like it) and they're all living with their boyfriends. It's tough. A lot of the time I feel like the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. One of my friends invites her bfs everywhere. When we go out, I'm always the one alone. I don't actually mind being single, I have a good life - friends, family, hobbies, job, own home. Like you, a guy would enhance that and I do want that. It's not something to be ashamed of to admit that. The problem is that seeing other people like that can make you feel jealous and uncomfortable. Not in a nasty or pathetic way but more like you would like that!

 

I also get a lot of pressure, especially as I'm 28 and my younger brother is getting married. My Dad has mentioned how your fertility is affected as you get past 30 and my Mums friend told her the older I get the harder it will be. Thanks for letting me know that nugget Mum!

 

Friends who have been in long term relationships don't understand. But that's OK. I don't understand being in a long term relationship and living with a guy. That's not to mean you can't listen to each other and offer a perspective. You have been wasting your time with this guy - you admit it yourself, your friends have just been trying to give you a dose of reality, it's not that they don't take you or your situation seriously.

 

Also, I know it sucks sometimes but don't cancel just because your the only single one going to an event. You can still be social. This is your life and your friends. I'm sure your friend was disappointed you cancelled and you didn't really have a valid excuse. If you did have a bf who was invited and he had a prior commitment, would you not have gone??

[ASG]

I've been single for a long time and quite a few of my friends are in relationships...

 

However, I don't let that deter me from having a great time... I often go out with coupled friends. Sometimes just the 3 of us. And it's great.

 

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. And you shouldn't let it be awkward.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you have to get over the "3rd wheel" thinking. Your friends just want to spend time with you, and that is what adults do, they spend time as couples with other couples and single friends. Since you have such a small tight social circle I understand it makes it a little bit different, but remember these are your friends and they love you. Now if it's a double date to a fancy restaurant or something I can see you opting out, but you can't exclude yourself from everything just because you are single.

 

Also what about other friends? I understand these 3 friends are your best friends? But do you have other friends you hang out with regularly? I ask because for someone who is absolutely against online dating I think you're going to need to expand your social circle a lot. The two main ways people meet as adults are through friends and online dating.

[stillafool]

Start making friends with single women and hang out with them. Bring a single friend (female) as a date when you go out with your coupled friends. Don't worry after they all get married you will be the envied one.

[amkxoxo]

I have five girl friends who all have boyfriends. The situation of skipping my friends birthday was because she wanted to all go out to a nice dinner together. 3 couples and me alone. If it was bowling or min golf, I would have gone, but a fancy dinner with three couples is like a huge post it on my head reading "She's Single"

[amkxoxo]

I have five girl friends who all have boyfriends. The situation of skipping my friends birthday was because she wanted to all go out to a nice dinner together. 3 couples and me alone. If it was bowling or min golf, I would have gone, but a fancy dinner with three couples is like a huge post it on my head reading "She's Single"

 

I've gone out to casual dinners and shopping with my one friend and her boyfriend, but otherwise I avoid it at all costs.

[ASG]

I have five girl friends who all have boyfriends. The situation of skipping my friends birthday was because she wanted to all go out to a nice dinner together. 3 couples and me alone. If it was bowling or min golf, I would have gone, but a fancy dinner with three couples is like a huge post it on my head reading "She's Single"

 

Only to you. Like I said. I do it often. It has never been an issue to me. Particularly if it's a friend's birthday.

[stillafool]

Why not take a single gf with you to the dinner?

[amkxoxo]

all girl friends bring their boyfriends.

[GunslingerRoland]

And that is back to my point. If you really only have 5 friends, and they are all in relationships you need to expand your social circle.

[amkxoxo]

My friends are pretty good they include me etc... But its just an awkward situation to be in. Like last year they asked if I wanted to road trip to this fair. I was so excited to go. When it got closer, I didn't hear anything form my friends. When I asked them about it, they said they already had a plan among themselves and they planned to carpool So it was two couples carpooling there. I was expected to drive the distance by myself in my car and then pay to park. I backed out and didn't go.

[Tribble]

My friends are pretty good they include me etc... But its just an awkward situation to be in. Like last year they asked if I wanted to road trip to this fair. I was so excited to go. When it got closer, I didn't hear anything form my friends. When I asked them about it, they said they already had a plan among themselves and they planned to carpool So it was two couples carpooling there. I was expected to drive the distance by myself in my car and then pay to park. I backed out and didn't go.

 

That one sucks and is bad friend behaviour.

 

But the fancy dinner thing? I agree with another poster, it's only obvious to you that you're single. You could have a partner that was sick/ busy. If I was in the restaurant, I'd never think that - I wouldn't even wonder why there wasn't an equal number of couples. And I've been at the table you describe. I do understand. It can be sad and disheartening. But you have to push through that or you're going to socially isolate yourself. Once you're there, you forget and have a great time. You're treating yourself like you're only worth hanging out with if you have a bf. Which isn't true. If I was your friend, I'd have been upset that you pulled out of my birthday because you were single.

[stillafool]

all girl friends bring their boyfriends.

 

So What? Take a single gf have fun at dinner and look for single guys after dinner. Maybe you and the gf can go out clubbing after you leave the dinner with your friends. Don't be in competition with your friends, just enjoy YOUR life and you don't need a man to do it.

[mightycpa]

If you started showing up more, the committed BF's might just get to like you, and feel comfortable enough with you to get their GF's to invite you to less "coupley" activities (parties, outings, etc) hosted by or which will include their single friends, who tend to hang out with other single guys, who have friends in other circles, and they have friends in even further circles. If you can network, you can meet a lot of people. But you have to show up.

 

If you don't like OLD, then the guys have to come from somewhere, right? You should really think about getting 100% comfortable being single and without a BF; that includes being the unattached wheel. There's nothing wrong with it, and it doesn't say anything about you except that you're available.

[offwithhishead]

 

Where is he? I almost want to yell at them, because it hasn't worked thus far. I can't seem to find the right person. People I like, don't want anything serious or the timing is terrible. And the people that like me, just don't fit. Its never ending.

 

 

[]

 

I get everything else you're saying and I know it's frustrating but the thing about guys who like you but they don't "fit".

 

Why do they not fit you? Did you give them a chance to get to know them? Are you writing them off just because they don't look like the typical ideal guy you have in your head?

 

[]

 

In short, you should try giving the guys you immediately assume to not be a "fit" a chance to demonstrate their uniqueness.

Edited January 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic rant ~6

[amkxoxo]

A guy in one of my graduate classes asked me out to lunch. He was really nice, asked for my number, and took all the right steps. Started texting me daily asking how I was and questions about me. I just wasn’t that interested, because I wasn’t extremely attracted to him. You have to want to look at the person and want to kiss the person. I am not a super model and am not expecting that type of man, but you have to have physical chemistry. My last boyfriend and I had fun times together. He was half African American and looked very ethnic. Not my usual type of man, but had a great personality. Our lifestyle goals just never matched. We had different ideas of how we wanted to live our lives and our values were so off from each other. And again, I wasn’t overly attracted to his look. I had been out on dates with guys that were cuter. Emotional/Mental & Physical Attraction is important. He and I would make out and clothes would come off, but I wasn’t awe struck by seeing him that way. It did nothing for me.

 

I dated this other guy who was a very handsome man. Very attracted to his look, but he turned out to be a manipulative jerk.

 

[]

 

And here I find myself still the single friend.

Edited January 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted overlap of topics from other currently active thread ~6

[amkxoxo]

Recently was texting with a really cute guy whom I went to college with and didn't know. He seems to kind of be a player too. Its unfortunate, because he had a great look and personality. Knew it was too good to be true. Like I said, all the guys who are cute with great personalities are either taken or don't want anything serious. All the decent guys, I just don't feel interest.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

So I am currently the only one out of all of my friends who is single. I had a tough year, last year with men and vowed to stay single for a while to figure things out. I’m almost 25, and needed some alone time. Now that I am ready to be open to love again, all of my friends are in committed relationships. I feel kind of left out of the trend. I see many of them throughout the week, but often times they are with their boyfriends. Sometimes when we make group plans, I end up being the only single person and I back out. I hate feeling like a third wheel. I felt absolutely terrible that I had to bail on my friends birthday. But she literally invited 3 other couples, and me. Last minute she let me know that if I found someone to bring that would be fine. I was almost offended by it. Like yes, let me just go through my phone and call all these available men. If I knew all great available men, I wouldn’t be single.

 

As great as my girl friends are, it’s tough because they will say “Well is this a girl thing or …” and because of me it has to be an all-girl thing, because I would be alone if it wasn’t. I feel bad. I feel alone, like I am the lame single friend. I recently started talking to someone online. Well we met in school a few times, but he’s away at school and we’ve been talking. I’m attracted to him a lot. I’m open to seeing where things go since he will eventually come back to living here. I feel like my friends don’t take it seriously at all. They are talking about getting engaged and when they would like to get married and here I am gushing about how my online guy called me beautiful the other night. It’s not even a comparison. I don’t want to just go out and find someone. It’s not my style. I’m not desperate either. 3 out of my 4 friends found their boyfriends on online dating sites. I don’t like meeting people this way. This guy and I met on facebook, since we went to college together. I want to be in a relationship. I’m in no rush. I would rather be alone then not be with the right person, or someone I don’t feel totally great about.

 

How do people handle meeting new people and being the only single friend?

 

Whoa! You're kind of in the same boat that I'm in.

 

Except that you're lucky, and I wish I could turn back the clock to age 25.

 

I just turned 34 recently. Like you, all of my friends are married, and most of them have baby children who are 1-3 year olds. Lucky them.

 

My younger sister also got married six years ago, and currently has two sons.

 

I don't know. I wonder if there is some kind of curse against me.

 

I have had my mom's friend introduce me to girls, back when I was living in my home state, and others who have introduced me to single girls. All ending up in failure and no relationships.

 

I have also been on online dating sites, and I'm a paying member, and still no hard/steadfast girlfriend relationship. Just 1st and 2nd date meetups, which leads to jack sh-t after the 2nd date. I'm so depressed and angry at this time.