Why can't I get another date... ever?

[Aperill]

I'm 24. I have been meeting guys online mostly. I don't have a problem finding guys who are interested in going out but I do apparently have a problem getting another date... The dates seem to go well, I don't understand why I can only get one or two, sometimes 3, dates and never hear from them again. They totally ghost on me... What am I doing wrong? I have been keeping track and in the last 6 months I have gone out with 26 guys. I don't expect all of them to work out, there have been some real duds, but none?

[RecentChange]

You have gone out with an excess of one new guy a week for the last 6 months and every single one has been a miss?

 

Perhaps you need to screen your prospects a bit more?

 

What do you have in common with these guys you date? How well does the conversation flow? How interested are you with them? Are you shy or reserved at all?

[Aperill]

I didn't see all of them as a miss, some of them I really liked, some where ok and of course there was some weird ones. I live in a large city (3 million) so it's not hard finding dates. A few I really liked and things were going really well. It's obviously me, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

 

Usually the conversation flows pretty well, I don't have trouble keeping a conversation and I don't make it all about me. I try to offer information to questions they ask without going overboard but I don't give just "yes or no" type answers. I listen to what they are saying and use that to keep the conversation flowing.

 

I try to meet with guys that I have things in common with. I'm an active person, so most of the guys that I meet with are into sports, running, hiking, rock climbing, that sort of thing. It's winter right now so outdoor dates are a bit harder but weather permitting we do get out. I'm not "picky" in hobbies, I tend to get interested in the hobbies of people I date or friends. I do have my own as well, I'm just up for anything. Some of the guys that I date go to the same university as I do.

 

Naturally I tend to be shy with new people. Some dates are a little bit awkward at first but I don't think it's too bad. I warm up quickly, usually. There have been a few were I just wasn't feeling it at all and some where there is no awkwardness or tension at all.

 

I also have recent pictures up of me and I'm not overweight at all (I'm 5'4 and 120 lb). My pictures look like me, and I have multiple pictures from different angles. I don't make the guy pay and always offer to pay or go dutch.

 

Most guys that I talk to want to meet right away, not talk for weeks.

[Versacehottie]

Are you flirting? Maybe you are taking things too linear and literal. Good conversations and connections bounce more. If you are having fun, a lot of times you will leave and think of 10 other things to talk/share with the person or that would be fun with them. If you've got their 'dating resume" about whether or not he would make a good person to date based on job, where he's lived, past relationships, it's probably too literal and you just need to make sure the dates are more fun, more flirty.

 

Also I think people that do a ton of online dating tend to do it like an interview or are almost jaded by the process (either too hopeful and then completely dashed and hypersensitive during the interactions or cynical). It's not online shopping. Try to have fun. Maybe do some of those active things you like to do with the guy. Please tell me you are not doing mostly coffee dates? Those are horrible--seriously absolutely not spontaneous or organic or personal enough--how in the world is a real connection supposed to develop in that sort of setting/conditions. It could but mostly it's going to feel like an interview.

 

Also maybe if the guys are close to your age they may not be in the most serious headspace for girlfriends (regardless of being on a dating site). Also what site or app are you using-that could factor in? Lastly, if you can't tell, I'm not a huge fan of dating sites--especially for people like you that are naturally very active & 24 is a great age to just meet people through your mutual friends, friend groups and activities. Maybe you should take a break from online for a bit or use it as backup to trying to find a guy out in the real world or just taking pressure off in general.

 

Very last thing, is if you feel defeated and that something "never" happens it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Change your mindset to "well it could" or "it might". I know it's hard to jump ALL the way to "it will" but try to be neutral (i.e. OPEN) to the possibility that it will. I swear this is with all things. You can think you are concealing a belief you have but it usually comes out in some way in the way you conduct yourself or speak and will make that thing the truth. Just try to get to neutral if you cannot be positive. Also try to see the little victories which will help you with the positivity. Not necessarily the end goal (this is for all goals in life too). Also change your mindset more to that you are trying to find out if YOU will like them rather than if YOU will be liked. Subtle shift but it will put a more positive and confident spin on your interactions. good luck

[Versacehottie]

I didn't see all of them as a miss, some of them I really liked, some where ok and of course there was some weird ones. I live in a large city (3 million) so it's not hard finding dates. A few I really liked and things were going really well. It's obviously me, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

 

Usually the conversation flows pretty well, I don't have trouble keeping a conversation and I don't make it all about me. I try to offer information to questions they ask without going overboard but I don't give just "yes or no" type answers. I listen to what they are saying and use that to keep the conversation flowing.

 

I try to meet with guys that I have things in common with. I'm an active person, so most of the guys that I meet with are into sports, running, hiking, rock climbing, that sort of thing. It's winter right now so outdoor dates are a bit harder but weather permitting we do get out. I'm not "picky" in hobbies, I tend to get interested in the hobbies of people I date or friends. I do have my own as well, I'm just up for anything. Some of the guys that I date go to the same university as I do.

 

Naturally I tend to be shy with new people. Some dates are a little bit awkward at first but I don't think it's too bad. I warm up quickly, usually. There have been a few were I just wasn't feeling it at all and some where there is no awkwardness or tension at all.

 

I also have recent pictures up of me and I'm not overweight at all (I'm 5'4 and 120 lb). My pictures look like me, and I have multiple pictures from different angles. I don't make the guy pay and always offer to pay or go dutch.

 

Most guys that I talk to want to meet right away, not talk for weeks.

 

Oh, if they try to make it like an interview (gathering straightforward information) don't let that happen. Inject the fun and non-linearness yourself. Guys can often shoot themselves in the foot by be so overeager & conducting a date like this. You don't have to follow any plan they set out. Follow the plan in your head that will allow for it to be the most fun evening you can have that night and gives the budding relationship it's best chance.

 

And what do you wear? Sorry, it's ok to be somewhat sporty (and maybe you do or you don't) but femininity will help you--try to think like a guy. I'm not saying slutty. A lot of guys don't even like that look on a date but something that reminds them that you are a girl. I swear I've seen people on dates (pretty sure first or first couple) where I am like what are they thinking??? Even if you are more of a tee shirt and jeans girl. Plenty of guys like that--make sure you are doing fitted and tees that follow body, collar bone some boobage without having to be over the top is usually good. Think sexy tomboy, even if you go tomboy.

[preraph]

Ask a friend to tell you what you might be doing wrong. Usually it's because of a few different things that scare guys off.

Being too serious

Oversharing

Talking about marriage and kids

Too much talking, period

If you're crude or crass or cuss too much

If you don't look like your pictures

If you mention your ex

If you're either too goody-goody or too loose

 

On a first date, you should just try to be light and laugh and have fun if you want a second date. Men are very delicate creatures.

[Aperill]

I do flirt. I'm a really flirty person if there is any interest. Even if I don't want to flirt, I do. The chemistry usually seems to be good to very good, depending on the person.

 

But even the last guy I saw, we went out 3 times and the dates were really good. We had fun, talked a lot, the dates went on longer than expected, he seemed really happy then after the last date he vanished in the middle of the night.

 

A lot of the time we meet for coffee first, that's just the thing around here, then go do something else if it feels right. A few times there was just no connection and it ended quickly. I don't think the dates feel like an interview.

 

I mostly use the dating apps on my phone, so OkCupid, Tinder, and a local one for my city. I have a profile on POF, but I rarely check it. The guys that I meet with are 24-30. I can tell the difference in age most of the time, but it hasn't seemed to make much of a difference... I use to try and meet people in real life, I haven't totally given up on it. The issue I think, is that I have had my group of friends since high school for the most part and it hasn't really changed. So I'm not really meeting new people through friends. When we go out and do things, it's generally as a group. I go running every morning and I have met a few guys that way, but it fizzled faster than it started. At the gym I have a general rule not to meet guys.

 

Admittedly I'm more of a skinny jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. I do make sure my nails and hair are done, make up is done (I don't wear a ton, light foundation, a little blush, mascara and lip color). I do make sure the clothes I wear look nice, are clean, fit my body well. I always show a bit of cleavage (not tons). If I'm wearing a jacket I take it off while we're inside. I don't think I've ever worn athletic wear to a date, unless that's what we're doing on the date.

 

Ask a friend to tell you what you might be doing wrong. Usually it's because of a few different things that scare guys off.

Being too serious

Oversharing

Talking about marriage and kids

Too much talking, period

If you're crude or crass or cuss too much

If you don't look like your pictures

If you mention your ex

If you're either too goody-goody or too loose

 

On a first date, you should just try to be light and laugh and have fun if you want a second date. Men are very delicate creatures.

 

I don't think I'm too serious. I'm definitely not looking to settle down, get married and start popping out kids. That has rarely come up on dates. Off the top of my head I'd say 3 guys have asked and they were closer to 30 so it's more expected. It was very general, "do you want kids yes or no" type.

 

Oversharing, maybe. I could be guilty on that one. I don't really swear that much. On most dates I don't think I swear at all. If I'm around someone who does swear I tend to, but otherwise no not really.

 

My pictures are within the last year and nothing has changed. I have a lot of pictures up and from different angles. I have some full body shots as well. I don't have pictures with friends, because to me that is a violation of their privacy.

 

I don't mention ex's at all. If I'm asked about previous relationships I'll give the basics, how long the relationship was, how long it has been, no contact. If they ask why it ended I give the brief version of that. I don't go more into detail unless they pry, and I think I've only had 1-2 actually do that.

 

For being a goody-goody or too loose, I'm not sure. I don't have sex with every guy I go out with. People tend to assume I'm a goody-good, though I'm not really sure why. Friends have said that a lot. Sex has happened more often than not.

[Redhead14]

I do flirt. I'm a really flirty person if there is any interest. Even if I don't want to flirt, I do. The chemistry usually seems to be good to very good, depending on the person.

 

But even the last guy I saw, we went out 3 times and the dates were really good. We had fun, talked a lot, the dates went on longer than expected, he seemed really happy then after the last date he vanished in the middle of the night.

 

A lot of the time we meet for coffee first, that's just the thing around here, then go do something else if it feels right. A few times there was just no connection and it ended quickly. I don't think the dates feel like an interview.

 

I mostly use the dating apps on my phone, so OkCupid, Tinder, and a local one for my city. I have a profile on POF, but I rarely check it. The guys that I meet with are 24-30. I can tell the difference in age most of the time, but it hasn't seemed to make much of a difference... I use to try and meet people in real life, I haven't totally given up on it. The issue I think, is that I have had my group of friends since high school for the most part and it hasn't really changed. So I'm not really meeting new people through friends. When we go out and do things, it's generally as a group. I go running every morning and I have met a few guys that way, but it fizzled faster than it started. At the gym I have a general rule not to meet guys.

 

Admittedly I'm more of a skinny jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. I do make sure my nails and hair are done, make up is done (I don't wear a ton, light foundation, a little blush, mascara and lip color). I do make sure the clothes I wear look nice, are clean, fit my body well. I always show a bit of cleavage (not tons). If I'm wearing a jacket I take it off while we're inside. I don't think I've ever worn athletic wear to a date, unless that's what we're doing on the date.

 

 

 

I don't think I'm too serious. I'm definitely not looking to settle down, get married and start popping out kids. That has rarely come up on dates. Off the top of my head I'd say 3 guys have asked and they were closer to 30 so it's more expected. It was very general, "do you want kids yes or no" type.

 

Oversharing, maybe. I could be guilty on that one. I don't really swear that much. On most dates I don't think I swear at all. If I'm around someone who does swear I tend to, but otherwise no not really.

 

My pictures are within the last year and nothing has changed. I have a lot of pictures up and from different angles. I have some full body shots as well. I don't have pictures with friends, because to me that is a violation of their privacy.

 

I don't mention ex's at all. If I'm asked about previous relationships I'll give the basics, how long the relationship was, how long it has been, no contact. If they ask why it ended I give the brief version of that. I don't go more into detail unless they pry, and I think I've only had 1-2 actually do that.

 

For being a goody-goody or too loose, I'm not sure. I don't have sex with every guy I go out with. People tend to assume I'm a goody-good, though I'm not really sure why. Friends have said that a lot. Sex has happened more often than not.

 

Are you having conversations about dating goals? What each of you are looking for out of your dating journeys? That should be happening by the second or third date and certainly before you sleep with them.

 

If they tell you that are only casually dating and you are looking to have a relationship with someone, they aren't going to be the "guy" for you. If you get that squared away early, you save yourself from potentially having one-night stands often.

 

Even if the guy says he's looking for a relationship, you need to observe whether he dates you that way. And, some guys will say they are looking for a relationship because they know that's what most women want and so the woman will "drop her guard" and have sex with him only to have him disappear.

 

I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, even if it's been a few dates, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows her otherwise by continuing with consistent communication and scheduling dates. If he drops off after sex, that's the only thing he wanted.

[Pill]

The common denominator is you so how do you think you come across during the dates? What do you have to offer men and how do you show it? Also how is your body type. I think men respond well to feminine style and jeans and t-shirt is kinda wack for a date.

[Aperill]

I almost always ask what they are looking for, they always say they are looking for a relationship in one way or another. Those who say they are looking for a hookup on their profiles, I don't respond to.

 

I guess I'm either not reading their signals right and they really don't want a relationship or something is wrong with me. It seems they almost always vanish after sex, which has made me start feeling conscious about myself. Even if they just wanted sex wouldn't they still stick around for the sex? Or at least say that's all they wanted, even after the fact? In the last 6 months I have gone out with 26 guys, I've had sex with 16-17 of them. That's to be expected, though...

[Versacehottie]

I do flirt. I'm a really flirty person if there is any interest. Even if I don't want to flirt, I do. The chemistry usually seems to be good to very good, depending on the person.

 

But even the last guy I saw, we went out 3 times and the dates were really good. We had fun, talked a lot, the dates went on longer than expected, he seemed really happy then after the last date he vanished in the middle of the night.

 

A lot of the time we meet for coffee first, that's just the thing around here, then go do something else if it feels right. A few times there was just no connection and it ended quickly. I don't think the dates feel like an interview.

 

I mostly use the dating apps on my phone, so OkCupid, Tinder, and a local one for my city. I have a profile on POF, but I rarely check it. The guys that I meet with are 24-30. I can tell the difference in age most of the time, but it hasn't seemed to make much of a difference... I use to try and meet people in real life, I haven't totally given up on it. The issue I think, is that I have had my group of friends since high school for the most part and it hasn't really changed. So I'm not really meeting new people through friends. When we go out and do things, it's generally as a group. I go running every morning and I have met a few guys that way, but it fizzled faster than it started. At the gym I have a general rule not to meet guys.

 

Admittedly I'm more of a skinny jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. I do make sure my nails and hair are done, make up is done (I don't wear a ton, light foundation, a little blush, mascara and lip color). I do make sure the clothes I wear look nice, are clean, fit my body well. I always show a bit of cleavage (not tons). If I'm wearing a jacket I take it off while we're inside. I don't think I've ever worn athletic wear to a date, unless that's what we're doing on the date.

 

 

 

I don't think I'm too serious. I'm definitely not looking to settle down, get married and start popping out kids. That has rarely come up on dates. Off the top of my head I'd say 3 guys have asked and they were closer to 30 so it's more expected. It was very general, "do you want kids yes or no" type.

 

Oversharing, maybe. I could be guilty on that one. I don't really swear that much. On most dates I don't think I swear at all. If I'm around someone who does swear I tend to, but otherwise no not really.

 

My pictures are within the last year and nothing has changed. I have a lot of pictures up and from different angles. I have some full body shots as well. I don't have pictures with friends, because to me that is a violation of their privacy.

 

I don't mention ex's at all. If I'm asked about previous relationships I'll give the basics, how long the relationship was, how long it has been, no contact. If they ask why it ended I give the brief version of that. I don't go more into detail unless they pry, and I think I've only had 1-2 actually do that.

 

For being a goody-goody or too loose, I'm not sure. I don't have sex with every guy I go out with. People tend to assume I'm a goody-good, though I'm not really sure why. Friends have said that a lot. Sex has happened more often than not.

 

Ok, a lot going on here.

*Coffee, no I wouldn't do that. Push the envelope and change the dynamic. F*ck it if it's not conventional. Even though you say it doesn't feel like an interview it essentially is. A 15-30 minute coffee thing is so that he can make sure you are what he's expecting, ugh. It kills the deal almost inherently. Take a risk. Even meet for drinks or a beer, that would be way better. Also shows that one or both of you is just on the dating circuit. No one will feel that the date, which they transfer those feelings to you, is special. A beer can take 15-30 minutes too and serve the same purpose but be different. Hard to truly flirt at starbucks really.

 

*Tinder can be fine to find a bf. A few of my friends have met their bf's that way. A lot of guys aren't thinking like that with that app though. Even my friends bfs I think were probably thinking "I just want to hook up" and then subsequently got hooked on an amazing girl. 1 of my friends that was on it wanted a bf. the others also were more not into anything serious--even though that's what came out of it. Maybe you are putting yourself in an uphill battle with that one, especially with guys that are in a less serious relationship mindset age wise.

 

*Friends. Expand on just that group. It's pretty easy to make lots of friends if you have a group of them already. It's missed opportunity not to expand on it or just stick to your group where there are no guys you want to date. Invite co-workers, other students, friends of friends and tell them to bring friends to stuff you guys do to make your network bigger. In the meantime, start making some other groups of friends, perhaps related to your hobbies where you can do the same thing.

 

*Running. Nike has run groups where I live. I have seen some great looking guys in the group. There is also another running group from a well-known running clothing store that runs every wednesday night in my city (LA). Cute guys there too with similar interests to yours. I'm sure there is something like that where you live. If you live in LA, let me know and i will give you the name of the store (have to look it up). Also here (and maybe your city), there are areas where fitness people go outdoor running that definitely have such a mix and yes people get hit on all the time at these 5 or so locations that I'm thinking of. I have many times. Don't run solo--sometimes go where the rest of these hot spots are to serve both your love of running and hope to meet a guy.

 

*Gym. I think it's a missed opportunity to have such a strict rule for the gym. No better place to meet a guy with similar likes as you. The good thing too is you don't have to do it all at once. Since most people are likely to be regulars, you can observe and choose carefully to see which guy has a high probability of being someone you would be interested in or hit it off with. You can watch how he interacts with others, goes about his workout, and just figure stuff out by seeing him on a regular basis. You can also approach it more like acquaintance, friend, flirting with, maybe then dating as you see fit. By taking it through those stages you can drop back in case you don't think he's for you. So "bend" a little on this rule. Shoot, at the very least there must be some cute guys there that you'd have crushes on. The fact that you have a rule that you wouldn't or wouldn't be tempted to break DOES make it seem like you are goody-goody. Meanwhile, some other girls cleaning up guys who would have potentially liked you at the gym. Also breaking that barrier at the gym, which a lot of guys are afraid to there specifically, makes you different than other girls and automatically stand out. It's also at very least a chance to make more friends which increase your chances of meeting one of their friends.

 

*If your friends think you are goody-goody but you don't feel like you are. There is a mixed signal going on. Somehow you are not accurately conveying your personality. Also if you signally goody-goody, the kind of guys who may be totally into you, might not be your type of guys. Work on figuring this out. I would say that goes back to being too literal. Not fun. Which was my guess too.

 

*Sex is also a mixed message if you are perceived as goody-goody but then that's not what is happening on the dates. There's a disconnect. That probably makes you look desperate if you are perceived as a good girl but then sleep with them right away. Secondly, I think if you want to be considered gf material, it's probably not the smartest to sleep with the guy right away, which if you are only making it to dates 1-3 is pretty much right away. There's a stat, which i don't have handy right now, but as old-fashioned as it is, a lot of guys don't see someone as gf material when they are able to sleep with you right away. Tip the scales in your favor by waiting. Guys who only want sex will disappear and save you the confusion and nick to your self-esteem. And it will give guys who could be into you a chance to know you on more levels BEFORE. Even guys who aren't judge-y about sex right away, probably won't mind waiting a bit more. Lastly waiting more shows that you have the self-respect overall which is something that guys find attractive. Sometimes the only way they are gauging it (fair or not) is on whether or not you will give in to sleeping with them right away. Also it puts pressure on the guy to feel like he will be in an instant relationship, when even though he may like you at only 2-3 dates in hasn't decided if he wants to be in a relationship, and now he feels "obligated", which is bad pressure. Thats one reason they disappear like that guy did to you.

[Redhead14]

I almost always ask what they are looking for, they always say they are looking for a relationship in one way or another. Those who say they are looking for a hookup on their profiles, I don't respond to.

 

I guess I'm either not reading their signals right and they really don't want a relationship or something is wrong with me. It seems they almost always vanish after sex, which has made me start feeling conscious about myself. Even if they just wanted sex wouldn't they still stick around for the sex? Or at least say that's all they wanted, even after the fact? In the last 6 months I have gone out with 26 guys, I've had sex with 16-17 of them. That's to be expected, though...

 

I've had sex with 16-17 of them. That's to be expected, though... -- Why is that to be expected? If you keep having sex with so many guys, you're always going to be confused and feeling self-conscious which is going to be projected into future dating scenarios.

 

If there's a guy or two you really, really want to have sex with, fine, go ahead, but don't expect anything from it.

 

Even if they just wanted sex wouldn't they still stick around for the sex? -- Well, I'd say that they know that a lot of women will become attached and expecting/wanting more and they don't want that "pressure".

 

And, why would you want a guy to stick around just because they are having sex?

 

Or at least say that's all they wanted, even after the fact? -- Do you really think that a guy is going to say that to a woman either way. "hey, thanks for the sex. That's all I wanted?

 

They sure aren't going to say that before . . .

 

I guess I'm either not reading their signals right and they really don't want a relationship -- That is why you sit back and observe how they date you. Do they keep in good touch, schedule proper dates, etc.?

 

they always say they are looking for a relationship in one way or another -- What does "in one way or another" mean?

[owen82]

As a man, I'm going to say that you are getting intimate too quickly. If the men you are seeing can't wait then all they are looking for is sex. If you decide to wait longer on sex you would most likely see a change.

 

While I'm not one to focus on numbers, yours is one that could grow rapidly if you continue this pattern and that may not be something that you are comfortable with.

 

I have dated two women who at first impression were perceived as a good girl, both of them initiated sex on the first date and it was a red flag to me. Something didn't add up in my head and I didn't see them again. The two just don't go together.

[Versacehottie]

I almost always ask what they are looking for, they always say they are looking for a relationship in one way or another. Those who say they are looking for a hookup on their profiles, I don't respond to.

 

I guess I'm either not reading their signals right and they really don't want a relationship or something is wrong with me. It seems they almost always vanish after sex, which has made me start feeling conscious about myself. Even if they just wanted sex wouldn't they still stick around for the sex? Or at least say that's all they wanted, even after the fact? In the last 6 months I have gone out with 26 guys, I've had sex with 16-17 of them. That's to be expected, though...

 

Sorry, I both agree and disagree with parts of what Redhead said. If someone has a date where "what are you looking for" is part of the conversation on 1st date, that is an interview. It's just not fun. Ugh. Too too literal and boring, uptight. There are subtle ways you can convey the SAME thing and check for the same thing by the way you act and expect him to act.

 

Also if you are not looking for a hookup, then don't be a hookup. Wait longer. I don't want to be judge-y on you, but given with what you say you are looking for and the fact that the majority of guys only took you on 1-2 dates, compared to what happened, those are hookups and not headed in a bf/relationship direction. If you are honest with yourself and are enjoying dating casually, then maybe keep on doing that. But I think you are asking because you don't like what's happening and want to change it. I'm not shaming you btw. But I don't think this will get you what you want. Your own stats are evidence.

 

Huh. Well bolded YOU don't really want a guy to use you for sex. Plus them not sticking around when it is readily handed to them, should teach you a couple of things. Guys don't want just sex. Lots of them want relationships but they won't just give themselves to relationships easily--they want to make sure the girl is what they deem worth it. Also if they just want sex, they don't want to be bogged down in a pseudo relationship--that's why you can't just give sex, hoping you will get a relationship.

 

If you don't treat yourself like you are worth it, it WILL nick your self-esteem because you are not being true to what you want. and these interactions make you feel less than. This is not about the sex itself. This is about you giving it in order to get something you HOPE you will get and then never getting it. Treat yourself like you are worth a guy investing in you for a relationship, make sure you are on the way (well on the way) to that before and you will probably feel better about yourself

[Versacehottie]

Are you having conversations about dating goals? What each of you are looking for out of your dating journeys? That should be happening by the second or third date and certainly before you sleep with them.

 

If they tell you that are only casually dating and you are looking to have a relationship with someone, they aren't going to be the "guy" for you. If you get that squared away early, you save yourself from potentially having one-night stands often.

 

Even if the guy says he's looking for a relationship, you need to observe whether he dates you that way. And, some guys will say they are looking for a relationship because they know that's what most women want and so the woman will "drop her guard" and have sex with him only to have him disappear.

 

I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, even if it's been a few dates, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows her otherwise by continuing with consistent communication and scheduling dates. If he drops off after sex, that's the only thing he wanted.

 

totally agree with the bolded

[ShyLove]

Hmmm there is a possibility that you are not doing anything wrong but that guys (especially in your age range) are not really looking for something that serious and will date you until the next new shiny thing comes along. That is mostly what online dating is at any age haha Of all the friends/coworkers I have who use online - including myself ( I live in a big city too) there are not many success stories. That is why you see the same people online for years. People become addicted to it thinking there is always something better out there even if they really like you.

 

I just wanted to throw out there that it may not be you at all so don't be so hard on yourself

[Aperill]

Well it's kind of late to stop sleeping with guys now. I've had sex with 63 guys (always safe). Guys expect sex. Even my guy friends expect in on date 1-3, depending on the guy. So if I don't have sex with them I'm worthless, but if I do have sex with them I can't be respected. It's like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Guys expect sex but at the same time don't want you to have a high number, so it's like you are supposed to find someone right away who wants you or it they just see it as 63 other dudes didn't want her why should I. I don't tell them how many guys I've slept with. So what I just keep being the girl on the side?

 

Sometimes guys to suggest going for drinks, but I generally don't drink. Alcohol effects me quickly and I get really flirty and touchy. I just try to avoid it. Most of the time when we get coffee we meet at some local coffee shops that aren't busy, usually they are empty and a couple have booths that are private.

 

I have heard from people that Tinder is mainly used to hook up, but quite a few of my friends have found relationships that way so I've tried to give it a chance. I could try to get involved in some running groups, I know we have them here. I almost always run alone because I like the peace and quiet, but sacrificing on that a bit might help. In the summer I almost always run in shorts and a sports bra (most women here do) so when guys hit on me I feel like they are just doing it because I'm so exposed.

 

The gym is similar, I guess. Alone time for me when I don't want to be bothered. I do notice men that are attractive and I have guys look at me. It's like this unsaid rule here not to bother people. The women I do see hitting on men are the type that are only there to hit on fit, good looking guys. I go to that gym regularly because it's right down the street from my apartment, there is also one in my apartment but it's not as good. There are a lot of regulars. I try to avoid eye contact when I can tell men are looking at me, maybe I should bend on that a bit.

 

I've always been seen as a goody good, for as long as I can remember. In high school I was really quiet, hardly talked to anyone. I was friendly and people knew (of) me and liked me but I didn't go out of my way to make friends or conversation. The friends that I have were my ex's friends and I just got welcomed into the group (he no longer is part of that group). I had one serious boyfriend through most of it. In university my first year I lived in a single dorm room, which was a mistake because I couldn't easily make friends. I went on dates and had guys hit on me, had sex.

 

I don't want guys to only want sex from me, or to hang around just for the sex. I feel like if the sex was decently good they'd at least want to stick around. So I jump to the conclusion that I suck in the bedroom. The last guy that I saw we had 3 dates, had sex 3 times and let him do whatever he wanted and he still ditched in the middle of the night and stopped speaking to me totally.

[Versacehottie]

Well it's kind of late to stop sleeping with guys now. I've had sex with 63 guys (always safe). Guys expect sex. Even my guy friends expect in on date 1-3, depending on the guy. So if I don't have sex with them I'm worthless, but if I do have sex with them I can't be respected. It's like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Guys expect sex but at the same time don't want you to have a high number, so it's like you are supposed to find someone right away who wants you or it they just see it as 63 other dudes didn't want her why should I. I don't tell them how many guys I've slept with. So what I just keep being the girl on the side?

 

Sometimes guys to suggest going for drinks, but I generally don't drink. Alcohol effects me quickly and I get really flirty and touchy. I just try to avoid it. Most of the time when we get coffee we meet at some local coffee shops that aren't busy, usually they are empty and a couple have booths that are private.

 

I have heard from people that Tinder is mainly used to hook up, but quite a few of my friends have found relationships that way so I've tried to give it a chance. I could try to get involved in some running groups, I know we have them here. I almost always run alone because I like the peace and quiet, but sacrificing on that a bit might help. In the summer I almost always run in shorts and a sports bra (most women here do) so when guys hit on me I feel like they are just doing it because I'm so exposed.

 

The gym is similar, I guess. Alone time for me when I don't want to be bothered. I do notice men that are attractive and I have guys look at me. It's like this unsaid rule here not to bother people. The women I do see hitting on men are the type that are only there to hit on fit, good looking guys. I go to that gym regularly because it's right down the street from my apartment, there is also one in my apartment but it's not as good. There are a lot of regulars. I try to avoid eye contact when I can tell men are looking at me, maybe I should bend on that a bit.

 

I've always been seen as a goody good, for as long as I can remember. In high school I was really quiet, hardly talked to anyone. I was friendly and people knew (of) me and liked me but I didn't go out of my way to make friends or conversation. The friends that I have were my ex's friends and I just got welcomed into the group (he no longer is part of that group). I had one serious boyfriend through most of it. In university my first year I lived in a single dorm room, which was a mistake because I couldn't easily make friends. I went on dates and had guys hit on me, had sex.

 

I don't want guys to only want sex from me, or to hang around just for the sex. I feel like if the sex was decently good they'd at least want to stick around. So I jump to the conclusion that I suck in the bedroom. The last guy that I saw we had 3 dates, had sex 3 times and let him do whatever he wanted and he still ditched in the middle of the night and stopped speaking to me totally.

 

You can stop any time you want. I really want you to think about how what you said in the post above shows that you value yourself. It kinda shows that you don't. You have a choice about who you sleep with and who you don't. The total number doesn't matter. That's your business. You are under no obligation to have sex to keep up. If you are disciplined enough to not drink during college, you could also do an experiment and see what doing the OPPOSITE of what you are doing gets you. That's just a good experiment in life. If what you are doing isn't working, try the opposite. Another good thing to do would be to start studying or talking to some girls that you are friends with or better yet friendly acquaintances (or ask on this board even) that have bf's and find out how that sex timing went for them. They don't want girls that are going to be gfs to have a high number--that should tell you something. Take it in reverse. If you sleep with them quickly they will assume you do that easily with every other guy you barely know, thus a high number. And not gf material (that's their thought process not the truth). So if you don't sleep with them right away, it's a way to show them you ARE gf material. In the meantime, you will have a chance to dazzle them with your great personality & they will be into you a variety of ways. Listen guys are always going to want to hook up. Of course that's normal. And if we are attracted to them, we want to too. But you can't do it at the expense of everything else if what you want is a relationship. If you get into a relationship with a guy, there will be plenty of hooking up with him. You are being kept on the side bc you are acting like a side chick. Most gfs don't act like this. They make their guys work for it harder. By "it" i mean all of it--entry into YOUR life, including sex. So don't just give that away up front. Right now you are GIVING it away. Try making a person EARN it. Sure it's POSSIBLE it might happen on the first date, but highly unlikely. Same with the 3rd. He should be earning his way into your life and vice versa.

 

I was thinking about your flirting. I believed you when you said you do. And then I started thinking but what if she does it all wrong. You may be thinking you are flirting but actually just presenting yourself sexually. There's a difference flirting for an emotional connection and to bond (which sure can have a sexy side to it) and leading with your sexuality, which usually isn't so sexy--because you are basically showing a guy that you are right there for the taking. Guys don't usually want a girl as a gf who is "right there". Will they sleep with her, yes. And then disappear.

 

I can see why you are seen as a goody goody. You sound like in the past you have a lot of rules for yourself and don't put yourself out there much. I'm glad you are a bit open to it now. A bit more carefree attitude would probably help. Also if you are having more casual relationships but it matched a carefree personality, some of the stuff with guys even when you slept together up front, might have worked out because it wouldn't seem at odds with your personality and you might have attracted a like-minded guy.

 

I don't know if you will convince me on the coffee thing although your description of the places are making them sound better than starbucks for a first date. Might also be a bit of a disconnect. I have some friends that are truly artsy, coffee house types who would go there anyway, so it flows with their personality and the type of guys who they would accept a date from. And I have friends who have slept with a guy on first date, but both the guy and the girl were truly bohemian and carefree in that way and it was good because it matched with their personalities. I think you should do a fitness-y type date or active one if that is what matches you. Even a walk, since you don't drink much, would be better than a coffee date, I think. I think it's so cliche the coffee date, that allowing a guy to take you on one of those sets a low bar. An ice cream or frozen yogurt date would be more playful IMO.

 

I think one thing that's messing you up is thinking that sex is the only gateway. There are a lot. You set your standards at plenty of steps along the way. And express your personality, which is one way you show you care about yourself. Even imagine something like this. A guy you've been talking to suggests a coffee date. You could say "or what else?" Bounce it back to him OR suggest something YOU would like to do. He might even throw in there, "ok, let's go get a drink". You can lightly say, "oh, I don't drink drink, what about xyz". Right there, you've showed him that you require more effort than a standard coffee date (without being high-maintence or bitchy). You've showed you care enough about yourself to outright say just as you are getting to know someone, that you don't drink much, which is showing that you don't BEND who you are for just any guy. And you throw in a new suggestion of your own, which is confident and expressed your personality. In the course of 2-3 sentences, that's a way to show a guy that you care about yourself and present yourself MORE as gf material. There are many opportunities to do that in dates 1-3 that don't just pertain to where the date is going to be & if sex is going to be had. I could keep giving you more info but it might be overwhelming. Try to start simple. I honestly think you don't really have a grasp yet on how you are coming across to guys and present yourself and need to work on your self-worth to really "get it". The self-worth thing doesn't happen overnight--BUT a guy can't give it to you either. It's a self-generated thing. Good luck

[barcode88]

OP going to go out on a limb here, but are the guys that you're going out with Extremely good looking? Are you putting out sex at all with them?

 

Because if you're dating upwards and trying to get guys who are 10/10, a lot of them might only be looking for a hook up -- or they will be VERY picky. Whenever I date Women outside of my league it's usually an uphill battle for me as well, since they are also very picky.

 

Also if they want to meet right away instead of talking, this is sometimes indicative of hookup seeking behavior.

[thecrucible]

Also if they want to meet right away instead of talking, this is sometimes indicative of hookup seeking behavior.

 

I agree with this one. I can think of numerous guys like this. If they ask you out within the first couple of messages in a span of like 10 minutes or so, they're either bored or just looking to get laid so don't want to have too much conversation before meeting you.

[Larryville]

OP going to go out on a limb here, but are the guys that you're going out with Extremely good looking? Are you putting out sex at all with them?

 

I've had sex with 63 guys (always safe). Guys expect sex. Even my guy friends expect in on date 1-3, depending on the guy. So if I don't have sex with them I'm worthless

 

I think one thing that's messing you up is thinking that sex is the only gateway.

 

I've had sex with 16-17 of them. That's to be expected, though... --

 

Why is that to be expected? If you keep having sex with so many guys, you're always going to be confused and feeling self-conscious which is going to be projected into future dating scenarios.

 

or too loose, I'm not sure. I don't have sex with every guy I go out with.

If they ask you out within the first couple of messages in a span of like 10 minutes or so, they're either bored or just looking to get laid so don't want to have too much conversation before meeting you.

 

I don't understand why I can only get one or two, sometimes 3, dates and never hear from them again. They totally ghost on me... What am I doing wrong?

 

The common denominator is you

 

Sex is also a mixed message if you are perceived as goody-goody but then that's not what is happening on the dates. There's a disconnect. That probably makes you look desperate if you are perceived as a good girl but then sleep with them right away. Secondly, I think if you want to be considered gf material, it's probably not the smartest to sleep with the guy right away.

 

Wow I racked my brain trying to process an opinion on this and the only thing I can come up with is you need therapy/professional help

You seriously need someone professionally to figure out how you got here…

 

So if I don't have sex with them I'm worthless

 

That is learned behavior, someone ingrained this behavior into your core and until you fix this mindset you should stop dating.

[stillafool]

I guess I'm either not reading their signals right and they really don't want a relationship or something is wrong with me. It seems they almost always vanish after sex, which has made me start feeling conscious about myself. Even if they just wanted sex wouldn't they still stick around for the sex? Or at least say that's all they wanted, even after the fact? In the last 6 months I have gone out with 26 guys, I've had sex with 16-17 of them. That's to be expected, though...

 

Why is it expected that you had sex with 16-17 guys who were not interested in you beyond sex?

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you should feel free to have sex with whomever you choose. That is your right as an adult. But there is a bit of definition of insanity going on here. You keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Maybe try not sleeping with them on the first couple of dates, and see if it changes things?

 

And you sound like a lot of fun to go on a date with, the fact that you feel like you are a worthless date if you don't put out is really disheartening to hear. If deep inside you feel like your only worth to your date is to sleep with them, how do you expect to self yourself as a relationship partner to them?

[SwordofFlame]

OP going to go out on a limb here, but are the guys that you're going out with Extremely good looking? Are you putting out sex at all with them?

 

Because if you're dating upwards and trying to get guys who are 10/10, a lot of them might only be looking for a hook up -- or they will be VERY picky. Whenever I date Women outside of my league it's usually an uphill battle for me as well, since they are also very picky.

 

Also if they want to meet right away instead of talking, this is sometimes indicative of hookup seeking behavior.

 

Yeah, I wonder if this is the common denominator in the types of men you're dating? People value what they have trouble getting the most, if these men have no trouble getting sex from women, why should they stay with you just for the sex?

[VeveCakes]

As a man, I'm going to say that you are getting intimate too quickly. If the men you are seeing can't wait then all they are looking for is sex. If you decide to wait longer on sex you would most likely see a change.

 

I don't agree with this, myself and plenty of women on LS often talk about how they have sex early and are still able to enter a relationship. Sex is very accepted now.

 

Yeah, I wonder if this is the common denominator in the types of men you're dating? People value what they have trouble getting the most, if these men have no trouble getting sex from women, why should they stay with you just for the sex?

 

I think the problem is OP thinks she owes the sex to these men in order to obtain them. OP do you enjoy the sex? Are you into it or do the men know you are just there going through the motions?

 

How is your hygiene?