Why can't I get another date... ever?

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I wonder if this is the common denominator in the types of men you're dating? People value what they have trouble getting the most, if these men have no trouble getting sex from women, why should they stay with you just for the sex?

 

I kinda agree. Here's the thing: i have spent a ton of time around guys who have no trouble getting sex from women. You know what makes them be interested? a girl that is different than all the girls who are throwing themselves at them. That's why giving them sex and expecting a different result doesn't work. You have to show that you value yourselves more than to fall for whatever is working on all the other girls.

 

It's a psychological fact that people tend to value & like those the most when they feel that the EFFORT they put in is what caused you to pay attention to them and win you over. That's why when you sleep with a guy on first date or so when they have put in virtually no effort or very little, they don't value their connection with you. It may be an arbitrary measure but that's why waiting will probably help you, OP. It will give the perception that it is HIS effort that is making headway with you. In the meantime, you will gain respect from him AND likely some self-respect. The time and space you allow for this to happen teaches you self-respect. Again, not shaming you. There are some people for which having sex with right away is fine--but you aren't feeling good about yourself and that is a major factor in the mix. Also you are doing with the expectation of getting something in return. The only people I think that REALLY works for are the ones who don't co-mingle the rest of their expectations with the fact that sex was had.

[Redhead14]

Well it's kind of late to stop sleeping with guys now. I've had sex with 63 guys (always safe). Guys expect sex. Even my guy friends expect in on date 1-3, depending on the guy. So if I don't have sex with them I'm worthless, but if I do have sex with them I can't be respected. It's like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Guys expect sex but at the same time don't want you to have a high number, so it's like you are supposed to find someone right away who wants you or it they just see it as 63 other dudes didn't want her why should I. I don't tell them how many guys I've slept with. So what I just keep being the girl on the side?

 

Sometimes guys to suggest going for drinks, but I generally don't drink. Alcohol effects me quickly and I get really flirty and touchy. I just try to avoid it. Most of the time when we get coffee we meet at some local coffee shops that aren't busy, usually they are empty and a couple have booths that are private.

 

I have heard from people that Tinder is mainly used to hook up, but quite a few of my friends have found relationships that way so I've tried to give it a chance. I could try to get involved in some running groups, I know we have them here. I almost always run alone because I like the peace and quiet, but sacrificing on that a bit might help. In the summer I almost always run in shorts and a sports bra (most women here do) so when guys hit on me I feel like they are just doing it because I'm so exposed.

 

The gym is similar, I guess. Alone time for me when I don't want to be bothered. I do notice men that are attractive and I have guys look at me. It's like this unsaid rule here not to bother people. The women I do see hitting on men are the type that are only there to hit on fit, good looking guys. I go to that gym regularly because it's right down the street from my apartment, there is also one in my apartment but it's not as good. There are a lot of regulars. I try to avoid eye contact when I can tell men are looking at me, maybe I should bend on that a bit.

 

I've always been seen as a goody good, for as long as I can remember. In high school I was really quiet, hardly talked to anyone. I was friendly and people knew (of) me and liked me but I didn't go out of my way to make friends or conversation. The friends that I have were my ex's friends and I just got welcomed into the group (he no longer is part of that group). I had one serious boyfriend through most of it. In university my first year I lived in a single dorm room, which was a mistake because I couldn't easily make friends. I went on dates and had guys hit on me, had sex.

 

I don't want guys to only want sex from me, or to hang around just for the sex. I feel like if the sex was decently good they'd at least want to stick around. So I jump to the conclusion that I suck in the bedroom. The last guy that I saw we had 3 dates, had sex 3 times and let him do whatever he wanted and he still ditched in the middle of the night and stopped speaking to me totally.

 

 

Guys expect sex -- It doesn't friggin' matter what they expect. It's what you expect of and for yourself!!!!

 

A woman does not have sex because it's expected of her, she does it because SHE wants to and, more importantly, understands that doing that may lead to something or nothing. And, when she does it soon with a guy, usually, it leads to nothing. That's just the facts Jack. Yeah, once in a while, a one-night stand turns into a relationship but it's not often enough to take that risk.

 

I feel like if the sex was decently good they'd at least want to stick around. -- They aren't having sex with you because they want you for a girlfriend. It's just sex.

The last guy that I saw we had 3 dates, had sex 3 times and let him do whatever he wanted and he still ditched in the middle of the night and stopped speaking to me totally -- He had no respect for you and you don't respect yourself. You allowed yourself to be used from the get go. You teach people how to treat you.

 

You're having sex with practically every guy you meet. That isn't working for you. So, try another approach that includes creating boundaries for yourself, being focused on what you want and need beyond sex. Sex does not bond a man to a woman even if it's good.

 

And, if having sex is possibly not your strong suit, you don't play that card first. Let them get to know you, more invested in you and even if the sex isn't as good as it could be, the two of you can explore and work on ways to make that experience better than either one of you has ever had.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Redhead14

[Newcitygirl]

Do you follow up with the guys you see? You won't ever meet everyone's requirements. 28 is a lot of people. Maybe take a pause to evaluate where you need to work on your weak areas (flirting, initiate, follow up, etc)

 

I met one guy who I thought met all my check boxes! But unfortunately I do not think he is that interested. I would do everything you are supposed to do (gave him the amount of time they give you in response time, etc).

 

Don't take it personally about rejection from the guys. It sucks, but you will find one eventually. I heard it takes around 30 dates to find a potential SO according to some studies on line.