His minor past making me suicidal

[Jap1990]

I've been suffering from anxiety and trauma over my boyfriend's past for the last 2 years and I can't take it no more. I've seen 2 therapists they didn't help much...anti-depressants don't help either.

 

Backgroud: he was my 1st and im his 4th, we've been together for 4 years. We are both virgins. I always knew he had girlfriends and kissed one of them and honestly I NEVER cared about his past at all. One day I found out that he watches porn and that triggered it. He had always lied to me that he had stopped watching porn because he 'only had eyes for me'. I wouldn't have been that shocked if he was honest about watching it. I felt betrayed and like I wasn't good enough, I developed low self esteem and began having regular anxiety attacks.

 

After about a month of depression over this my anxiety took to a new direction. I began having thoughts about his past and what he must have done before me. The porn didn't matter anymore because I now saw it as being fake and just fantasy. The past seemed more concerning since those were the girls he actually kissed and got pleasure from.

 

He has made out with one girl on a lot of occasions but he said there wasn't any inappropriate touching, licking, biting or tongues. He said he wasnt attracted to her and didn't get turned on from making out with her (he had told me this while we were just friends so maybe he was being honest?) But I don't believe him. I know that guys can get hard by just cuddling and there's honestly no guy I have seen who doesn't get hard/turned on from kissing!

 

My mind goes on overdrive and I start thinking disgusting things that make me sick e.g maybe his boxers got wet from being so turned on from kissing her? He is ALWAYS hard when we are together and I start thinking he must have been the same with her and it just puts me off. I now see kissing and sex as the same since he probably got the same sexual feelings.

 

I know his past is practically nothing compared to what people do these days so I should feel lucky but I just can't get over it. He once told me I'm the first girl he actually touched sexually and got turned on from - but that doesn't reassure me. I can't live like this anymore I sometimes feel like ending my life because my stupid mind wont let me be at peace. I haven't spoken to him about it because I don't want to hurt him. I just wish there was a way out....

[VeveCakes]

yes, this is not healthy to be so obsessed with someone having kissed other girls, when he has never even had sex.

 

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? This is an issue you will experience throughout life, you need to learn how to deal with it.

[d0nnivain]

There is a way out. It's call a door. If you can't tolerate his past, you need to stop dating him. It's not like he can change the past. It's not fair to either of you if you are going to continue to be this upset about it.

 

I am VERY concerned about the title of your post though. His past behavior is no reason for you to take your own life. If you are feeling suicidal, please call your therapist or a suicide hot line. Talk to a friend. Talk to a parent. There are reasons to keep on living.

 

If your therapist isn't working for you, get another. I went through a few before I found one with whom I clicked. You do need to keep trying. Your life is worth the fight but talking to a professional about why this is having such a profound (some would say disproportionate) reaction is the best way to combat your strong reaction.