Daisy225 Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 I'm sure this has been brought up a million times on this board, but every situation is somewhat unique. Long story short, my husband and I met when we were 22/23. He always said he didn't really want to have kids, but said he "knew we would have them someday" because I wanted them. We were young, so I thought he would change his mind. Here we are now, he's 29, and I'll be 29 next month, and he's still thinking the same thing. I'm really struggling with whether or not I want to bring a child into that. I love my husband, but the last thing I want is for there to be any resentment on either end, or for our child to not feel like they're the most important thing in his life. Is it wrong for me to want to end things, so I can find someone whose as passionate about wanting kids as I am? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 I'm sure this has been brought up a million times on this board, but every situation is somewhat unique. Long story short, my husband and I met when we were 22/23. He always said he didn't really want to have kids, but said he "knew we would have them someday" because I wanted them. We were young, so I thought he would change his mind. Here we are now, he's 29, and I'll be 29 next month, and he's still thinking the same thing. I'm really struggling with whether or not I want to bring a child into that. I love my husband, but the last thing I want is for there to be any resentment on either end, or for our child to not feel like they're the most important thing in his life. Is it wrong for me to want to end things, so I can find someone whose as passionate about wanting kids as I am? Not at all. You want kids, he doesn't. It'll be painful but divorce him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Daisy225, I'm sorry but you just aren't on the same page here. Please be honest with him and then part company. There is no way you can compromise on this issue - I'm sorry x My exH and I had the opposite problem. We both agreed that we didn't want kids when we got married. Somewhere along the way he changed his mind but didn't let me know. One of his excuses for cheating was "because I denied him children" ! Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Not at all. You want kids, he doesn't. It'll be painful but divorce him. Exactly. This is one of those situations where there is no compromise. You've always made it clear you wanted children...unfortunately you married a man who wasn't as clear. Don't waste any more time on waiting for him to change his mind...there's a very good chance he won't. Please don't get pregnant thinking he will come around to the idea. My father didn't want children, my mother (a still practicing Catholic) ended up having 3 before he took responsibility for birth control. He hated being a father and family man, took a job abroad when I was 9, and completely left when I was just 21. I'm now 48 and haven't seen him since. You have no idea how much pain you can feel from knowing that your parents didn't want you, and resented (and in my mother's case, still resents) your very existence. Find a man who definitely wants children. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Do not have a child with someone who does not want one. It will be hell on earth for you all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy225 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Thanks for the advice everyone. I feel like the D word is the way I'll have to go. I'm also concerned that he'll lie to me and say he's changed his mind, just to get me to stay. Of course if he says that, and I still leave him, then I'm going to look like the bad guy. I feel like I'm going to look like a bad person either way. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Thanks for the advice everyone. I feel like the D word is the way I'll have to go. I'm also concerned that he'll lie to me and say he's changed his mind, just to get me to stay. Of course if he says that, and I still leave him, then I'm going to look like the bad guy. I feel like I'm going to look like a bad person either way. Don't worry about what you'll look like do what is best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Would you really want to stay if he changed his mind and agreed to start trying for a child in the next few months? Anyway, I suggest you file for divorce, then tell him you decided that you must leave to find someone who also wants children, while you still can. Then move out. If that doesn't jolt him out of complacency so he decides that yes, kids are great and let's do this, then let the divorce continue. You can always stop the proceedings if he changes his mind and you get pregnant. So, don't threaten or issue ultimatums. Just do what you must to move towards your goal. He will either let you go, or will work to keep you, knowing what that will take. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Other people's opinion of you shouldn't matter. It's your life you are living, you aren't living it for anyone else. My first husband was adamant he didn't want children...which suited me fine, because I didn't want them either (still don't). Less than a year after we separated - barely even divorced - his new girlfriend was pregnant. I only found out a couple of years later because a mutual friend ran into him... I'd bet dollars to donuts that he told everyone that I was the one (like a PP) that 'denied him children'...meh. Too bad, so sad, don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 There is no way you can compromise on this issue - I'm sorry x Yep, last time I checked no way to have half a kid. And this is an issue that will affect every other part of your marriage. If it's that important, you'll have to leave... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I was confronted with the role reversal with my husband. I didn't really want kids, and for him it was non-negotiable. He sat me down and very calmly told me that he loved me, but kids were something he wanted in his future so if I couldn't commit to them, he had to move on. He never pressured me, but he made it clear that if I chose to stay, I was committing to children. If I couldn't do that then the kind thing to do would be to let him go. So I agreed to children. He never pressured me, he just gave me a choice. Having agency over that is what helped us. I didn't feel pressured, nor did I feel like I had no options. We have since had 3 children and I love them with every fibre of my being. I know that I would have had a fulfilling life without children, but my life is all the more full for having my family in it and I'm glad I was given the choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Deleon2020 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I can relate with your desire in having children and being a mother. Children are a big blessing, fun and they are also a huge responsibility. Have you both discuss his reasons for not wanting children? Maybe there's a concern or a fear on his end. Maybe you can share your reasons for wanting children and maybe he'll open up and share his real reason. Hoping for the best and praying that you both agree, for the best interest of your marriage and any future children you might have. Blessings Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy225 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 We've discussed it in passing when he says he doesn't want one. A lot of it has to do with him not wanting to grow up. He enjoys having the freedom to go do whatever, whenever. He knows why I want to have one, but he still seems "meh" about the whole thing. He's even said before that he would probably love me more if I couldn't have kids. I've tried addressing his concerns, like telling him it'll be different when it's his kid and all that, but he still isn't convinced. Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Well that's a ****ing horrible thing for him to say...but him having said that, I'd say he definitely doesn't want children and is too much of a coward to say it outright. If I could warn women against any type of man, the 'peter pan' type would be number one on my list (ahead of so-called 'bad boys')...I'm not saying a man of nearly 30 should be acting like he's got one foot in the grave, but if he's still acting like he's in his early 20s, I think it's too late to expect any change. Divorce is horrible, but putting your own wants and needs aside for a man-child is far more destructive, believe me. Edited January 30, 2017 by Mittens 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 We've discussed it in passing when he says he doesn't want one. A lot of it has to do with him not wanting to grow up. He enjoys having the freedom to go do whatever, whenever. He knows why I want to have one, but he still seems "meh" about the whole thing. He's even said before that he would probably love me more if I couldn't have kids. I've tried addressing his concerns, like telling him it'll be different when it's his kid and all that, but he still isn't convinced. Believe him when he tells you all the above and everything else you've posted about. He doesn't want to be father, he doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent. That's honest and it's something you either accept and not. If you stay, you'll resent him if there are no children. If you stay and have a baby with him, you'll resent him for the other reasons. People who feel very strongly about not wanting children do NOT change. He will do the absolute minimal to help you and probably end up being the fun happy go lucky parent while you get everything else. That last line, enough reason to make you divorce now. Sorry, I know this is painful for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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