Help, I am sad and confused!!!

[pinkbow]

I have a huge dilemma. My boyfriend is a wonderful person, and I think he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are best friends, never have any conflicts which we can't discuss and workout, and just generally have an "old-fashioned," kind of love in which there is none of the drama and stupidity that characterizes many relationships these days. He is the only person i have ever met with whom I can be completely honest and share all my thoughts and every aspect of my personality.

And now for the glitch: To quote Billy Joel, I am "an uptown girl in love with a downtown man." I know it sounds really bad, but I just can't let it go. It's that that his economic level bothers or anything like that, its just that he was brought up to believe that if you can finish high school and hold a steady job, than you have attained success. He is currently going back to school after a year of working as a mechanic's assistant with his uncle, but he just doesn't seem very motivated about it. It's not that he isn't smart, its just that he really seems not to care, and is happy with a C in a class. I think it comes from his parents, whenever they ask how he is doing, they say "did you pass?" I guess to them just meeting the bare minimum is fine. We talked about this one time and he told me, "We used to be way below average, so for me average is not so bad."

[Debster]

It appears to be a difference in motivation and goals. Can you accept that he is not as motivated and goal driven as you - or will it make you lose respect for him? How important do you place ambition? It is more important than a man who obviously treats you well and you get along with? Only you can decide.

[Jijomo]

Actually, it's a VERY good idea to seriously think about this. It is a problem.

 

My best friend was a spoiled little rich girl. Her parents gave her everything. She fell in love with and married an average guy. The day he moved her into their first home...a used single wide trailor, she cried over the green carpeting. She was used to getting facials and pedicures, and driving a BMW, and now she was living in a trailor with green carpet.

 

They've been semi-happily married for five years, but she said that if she could advise someone of her upbringing about relationships, that she'd advise them to marry their own class. Otherwise, you end up unwittingly disappointed.

 

I married someone just like my class. So we are pretty happy. However, his parents divorced due to infidelity, but my parents were happily married my whole life. So our views on relationships are very different, and that makes it hard. I'd hate to think what it would be like to be used to having money, and then suddenly not have any.

 

If his ambitions don't match yours, I'd say to definatly think long and hard before continuing this relationship.

 

And don't get down on him because he's happy being average! He is who he is! Don't try to change him to match what YOU need. You find someone who's already what you need...not someone that you can fix. He doesn't need fixed. He's good the way he is...he just needs to find someone that's more on his level.

[New_Wife]

You are a wise person to be considering such things. I'm not shining you on when I say that. A lot of times, like jijomo mentioned, it'll sneak up on you later and cause huge problems.

 

My advice: take your time. See how it makes you feel before you make any life-altering committments. If you can discuss it with him, and dig to see if he's got any other plans or ambitions, that might be worth doing too. If not, keep taking your time and see how it feels to you. Then listen to what your instincts tell you. (that's the hard part)

[Guinevere04]

Sometimes you just have to look ahead and think about the days when the infatuation kind of love is gone, is this the person you want to be with? I only say that because my ex-husband had a little bit of drive but not much. We were basically from the same class of family so it's not the exact same situation but he had a good paying job that he was lucky to get. But he got fired and didn't remotely try to find another job. I was pregnant, working full time and going to college on my lunch hour and evenings. After I had the baby, I did everything, finished school and he didn't care about anything, including helping me. He easily slipped into a depression and ended up in alcohol rehab. Notice, I said above, my EX-husband. Motivation is not something that you can make someone have and if he doesn't have it now, honey it won't get better. You have to want the same things in life. Where someone comes from doesn't mean squat!!!! It's what they want in the future that matters.