Ending my marriage following rape, pregnancy and HIV

[o'bri]

I'm not sure how to write this without sounding like a prick.

 

For one of our wedding anniversaries my wife and I went to another country for a vacation. The country was familiar to my wife because her family is from there and she visited yearly. So when I wasn't feeling well she was comfortable going out alone, like she had dozens of times before. She didn't come back that evening. Without going into to much detail, she was grabbed off the street. I waited in that country for a month before being told it was time to move on and by that point I had to leave. When she was found I learned that she was grabbed off the street by a man who held her captive and sold her [body] to various men. She was pregnant and due to circumstances abortion was not an option. For privacy reason I don't want to go into more detail.

 

We have gone through therapy, alone and together, my wife continues her therapy. We have a child, who isn't mine and I do not look at as my child. I try, and I know I'm a horrible person for it, but I just cannot. I see whoever raped her and got her pregnant. I see the time in my life when I didn't know if she was dead or alive, and was told to bury an empty casket. I don't look at that child and see an innocent child. Legally, it is not my child.

 

My wife was diagnosed with HIV and HSV-2. The child was born negative. Part of me is furious over that, which shouldn't ever happen. It's a kid for god sake. Parts of our marriage have gone back to a somewhat normal marriage. The parts that everyone sees, the outside. The intimacy is gone. At first I thought and understood that it was because of her trauma, I knew we had a long road ahead. We found the best therapists and best programs for her so got to the point that she could be touched without having a panic attack and being admitted to the hospital. Now, she won't touch me or doesn't want to be touched because she feels disgusting and doesn't want to infect me. Despite knowing every possible way it can be controlled and contracted, she doesn't want intimacy at all. I haven't so much as kissed her since that trip.

 

I can't do it. I really can't... When we married I vowed until death do us part, in sickness and in health. Well, this is the sickness that I vowed to and I cannot do it. Divorcing my wife because of what was done to her sounds worse than what was done to her. She doesn't want the marriage to end, but it's barely a marriage. The selfish side of me wants to run and never look back, at her or her child. The grown up side of me tells me to man up and be the husband I vowed to be and the father circumstances forced me to be. Neither of them deserve any of this. I have one foot out the door... It's the guilt that holds me back.

 

Someone talk me out of it.... I should stay, it's what I vowed to do.

[BettyDraper]

If you want to leave, then that decision is ultimately up to you.

 

I think it's very selfish of you to complain about the lack of intimacy given what your wife endured. If you loved her, you would be more understanding. The poor woman was RAPED, had to bear a child which was the product of that horrific violation, has contracted HIV and all you can think about is sex?!

 

Some of the threads I read on LS posted by sexually frustrated husbands make me wonder about men in general.

It's like wives are just glory holes rather than human beings who deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

[o'bri]

That's fair 'BettyDraper'. For a long time (we're talking years) I didn't have sex on my mind the way it is now. I didn't expect sex from her at all, and I didn't fault her for not being able to do it. I didn't expect sex whatsoever. Who would in that scenario? When she got to the point that she could mentally/psychologically have sex it was a huge accomplishment for her. She worked for years to get to that point and it was hard. It's almost like all of that was for nothing because at the end of the day she doesn't want to ever be intimate again because she is infected.

 

To be frank, sex has to some degree been ruined for me. I don't blame my wife for that, not at all. It is what it is. There is no intimacy, though. I haven't kissed my wife in years and half the time she doesn't want me to even touch her (non-sexually). I have never cheated on my wife, nor do I ever plan to.

 

You are right though, it is selfish to leave my wife over something she endured.

[Dolfin80]

If you want to leave, then that decision is ultimately up to you.

 

 

Some of the threads I read on LS posted by sexually frustrated husbands make me wonder about men in general.

It's like wives are just glory holes rather than human beings who deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

 

Men think with their penis...... always have always will....if they can't get sex from their current partner then they will find someone who will.

[aileD]

You need to go to therapy for yourself.

 

Yeah it is awful what happened to her. And yes, you shouldn't leave and it makes you look like an awful selfish person to leave your wife after she's been through so much through NO FAULT OF HER OWN.

 

But the fact is you can't help how you feel. So you need therapy to help you figure that out.

 

You know. Men and women are different. I've read so much on here about men saying they want to leave because their wife can't have sex due to (insert medical condition or rape experience here).

 

And most men's replies are "well sex is so important...bla bla". And yeah sex is important but it's not the have all and end all of a relationship. Most women's replies are that they would never leave their husband if he couldn't have sex because that's just one of the reasons why they love him

 

 

I suggest you go to therapy but also think of some of the ways that you love your wife that don't have to do with sex. And if she worked so hard to get to where she could have sex, she can work hard st being able to show some other type of Intimacy.

 

I don't know what to do about the child thing.

 

It's a kid. They didn't ask to be born. Should they be denied love because of how they are conceived? No.

[BettyDraper]

Men think with their penis...... always have always will....if they can't get sex from their current partner then they will find someone who will.

 

I never wanted to accept this because it seemed sexist to reduce men to rutting dogs who can only think of sex. However, some threads on this forum have made me question my hopes.

 

I know sex is as vital as breathing for most men. I think it's sad when husbands can only think of their sexual satisfaction when their wives are struggling in other ways.

 

OP, I agree that therapy would be very helpful. You need counseling to navigate this situation. You may also need to make a difficult decision about whether or not you can stay with your wife.

[sandylee1]

There are women who wouldn't be able to cope with this either. No intimacy or affection is going to kill any marriage. You have a right not to live like this forever.

 

I think the only thing you can do is end the marriage. It's very sad but I don't believe that continuing as you are is healthy for you. Marriage is not about enduring misery for the longest time.

[lucy_in_disguise]

If it has been years and you cannot move past it and you don't think of the child as your own- I think it's time to move on. Right or wrong has almost no bearing on reality here, which is that neither of you, and especially not the the child, deserve this type of family dynamic.

 

I have no idea if it's possible for your wife to move on from this to the point where she can have an intimate and sexually fulfilling relationship with anyone again, but from the perspective of the child, I feel like it would be better to have no father than one who saw his mother's rapist in his eyes.

 

What happened to your family is terrible and something no one should ever have to live through. I think most people would have an incredibly hard time with this. I would take the guilt out of the equation and focus on what decision is practically the healthiest for everyone - which in this case unfortunately I think is divorce.

Edited January 26, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[JS84]

If you leave that's neither the fault of you or your wife. This is just another example of how rape and sexual assault can be devastating, not just for the victims but for people who care about them as well.

 

Your story isn't the first I've heard of relationships being destroyed by rape committed by a third party. Some people just can't overcome it because it's too traumatic of an experience. Again not their fault or their partners fault necessarily.

 

If you do want to move on, try to be as cordial as possible, don't in ANY way let her think the marriage failing is her fault, and just go your separate ways.

 

Sorry this happened to you guys.

[elaine567]

I think you should leave.

Life is short and whilst in no way did your wife deserve all of this, you have to think of your own mental health.

 

I do not think you will be a very good father to this child, despite I am sure your best efforts in the circumstances, and you sticking around may also add to your wife's problems too.

She may find it easier starting anew with a clean slate.

You may even remind her of the horrible incident and the pressure of having a sexually frustrated, disappointed, upset, sad, man around all the time may be too much for her too.

I am sure you are trying to hide your feelings and frustration but she will know.

[Soxfaninfl]

If you want to leave, then that decision is ultimately up to you.

 

I think it's very selfish of you to complain about the lack of intimacy given what your wife endured. If you loved her, you would be more understanding. The poor woman was RAPED, had to bear a child which was the product of that horrific violation, has contracted HIV and all you can think about is sex?!

 

Some of the threads I read on LS posted by sexually frustrated husbands make me wonder about men in general.

It's like wives are just glory holes rather than human beings who deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

 

So how long is he suppose to go with out physical intimacy?

[Clay]

Men think with their penis...... always have always will....if they can't get sex from their current partner then they will find someone who will.

 

You sound jaded. Sex is not just sex to all men. Its intimacy. Its acceptance. Its another way of showing they are loved and cared for. I see this same argument on both sides of the fence. Just how many cheaters do you know say well if you would have taken care of my needs I wouldn't have stepped out. I have seen that out of women just as much out of men.

 

The truth is what happened to her happened to him and the child as well. They are all victims. Some people can survive this and some can't. In my mind blaming him for wanting to leave is just as bad as blaming her for not wanting sex with him. They are both horrible.

 

 

OP,

I suggest you both sit down and talk about this. Try to come to some kind of terms you both can accept. If that doesn't work then at least talk to her about leaving. This is not your fault and its not hers. The best thing you can do if you do divorce is leave on good terms and help her move on as well.

 

There is nothing wrong with being decent on the way out the door.

 

C

[BettyDraper]

So how long is he suppose to go with out physical intimacy?

 

Sexual intimacy is necessary for a happy relationship. However, there are some situations where the need for sex should be put on the back burner due to physical and emotional health challenges.

 

I can't imagine thinking of divorce if my husband went through sexual trauma and we couldn't have sex. Based on what I read on these forums, that could be because I'm a woman so I've been socialized to make sacrifices for loved ones while men are often raised to think of themselves first and foremost.

[hotgurl]

Sexual intimacy is necessary for a happy relationship. However, there are some situations where the need for sex should be put on the back burner due to physical and emotional health challenges.

 

I can't imagine thinking of divorce if my husband went through sexual trauma and we couldn't have sex. Based on what I read on these forums, that could be because I'm a woman so I've been socialized to make sacrifices for loved ones while men are often raised to think of themselves first and foremost.

 

yes but not even a hug, a touch or a kiss? no physical intimacy at all?

 

OP how long has it been since the kidnap rape?

[Soxfaninfl]

Sexual intimacy is necessary for a happy relationship. However, there are some situations where the need for sex should be put on the back burner due to physical and emotional health challenges.

 

I can't imagine thinking of divorce if my husband went through sexual trauma and we couldn't have sex. Based on what I read on these forums, that could be because I'm a woman so I've been socialized to make sacrifices for loved ones while men are often raised to think of themselves first and foremost.

 

I understand that is his wife went through emotional and physical trauma, but what if she never gets over it. How long should he go with out physical intimacy before deciding to leave?

 

I understand stand what it's like to live in a sexless marriage. I've done so for 2 years.

[oldshirt]

I think some people are being a little harsh and judgemental on O'bri.

 

It's not like the assault happened on Monday and he had his bags packed and out looking for tail by the weekend.

 

This is a dynamic that has taken years to play out and he has been there with her in the post aftermath, the birth and baby years of the child and through years of therapy.

 

Here we are years later and from the sounds of it, their lack of intimacy is per her decision. Yes she was brutalized and traumatized beyond comprehension, but the fact remains she does not want him to touch or kiss her or be intimate together.

 

It is not uncommon for married sexual assault victims to have real bad intimacy/sexual dysfunctions with their husbands.

 

They may feel guilt, shame, tainted etc. but they may also feel resentment and anger that their H wasn't there to protect them even if it wasn't the H's fault.

 

Some if these victims do however go on to find love and intimacy with other men post divorce.

 

It's easy to jump to the conclusion that the OP is abandoning her in her time of need. However we must also recognize the possibility that she doesn't want him in her airspace anymore.

 

This is a terrible and heartbreaking tragedy and a terrible injustice for everyone.

 

But we must also remember O'bri is a victim too and its not just him being a horndog. It is much deeper and more complex than that.

[BettyDraper]

I understand that is his wife went through emotional and physical trauma, but what if she never gets over it. How long should he go with out physical intimacy before deciding to leave?

 

I understand stand what it's like to live in a sexless marriage. I've done so for 2 years.

 

If she can't get over it, then either the OP's wife allows him to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage or they may need to break up.

 

I don't know the circumstances of your sexless marriage so I can't comment on whether or not your wife is being fair. I still have sex with my husband despite past traumas but I also attended counseling for years before we met. My husband also helped me get past certain sexual hangups with patience and kindness.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband also helped me get past certain sexual hangups with patience and kindness.

 

Good for him, not all men - or women - are able to get past entitlement and ego to do so.

 

But it's unfair to assume the OP hasn't tried, perhaps heroically so, to do the same. He's not "men", he's a man caught in a very difficult situation for all parties involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I still have sex with my husband despite past traumas but I also attended counseling for years before we met. My husband also helped me get past certain sexual hangups with patience and kindness.

 

Sometimes it is a completely different set of dynamics if a rape victim is married at the time of the attack vs meeting someone after the attack.

 

In the case of someone being married at the time of the attack, both people are traumatized and both people are significantly ilmpacted.

 

It may not be right or fair, but both people can have deep rooted issues and questions and resentments. Both people can undergo significant changes. Their post-attack marriage may be completely different than it was before.

 

As I stated in my post above, she may simply not want him touching her or trying to be intimate with her anymore.

 

That also is through no fault of his as well.

 

There is a possibility she may never be ok with being intimate with him, but she may be ok with someone else that she meets post divorce as it is a completely different dynamic with someone that she meets in the future.

 

Yes this is tragic and totally unfair to both of them.

 

But as a number of other posters have asked - how long is long enough??

 

5 years? 10? 20?

 

Remember that assuming she isn't cheating, she is existing without intimacy too. How long must both of them endure before they can both move on and hopefully find peace and love again?

[ShatteredLady]

Betty. Sometimes this forum REALLY gets to me too. I keep telling myself that this is NOT a representative selection of the population. I cling to the absolute certainty that I do know people in real life who don't cheat, belittle & think with their d**ks!

 

I wish some of the members who jump on men's threads here with the animal cry of "life ain't nothing but bit**es & $$" would actually learn to type with their fingers & not the dominating appendage!! They have no idea of the pain they inflict on some of the very vulnerable people who consider this a safe haven.

 

 

OP. I'm so incredibly sorry that this has been inflicted on you & your precious wife. For many years I worked supporting people who lived with chronic pain. Often their care givers would ask for support.

 

I understand the guilt & pain. The sense of loss can be more than we THINK we can tolerate at times. It becomes overwhelming. Therapy in a situation like yours shouldn't be something with a beginning & an end. There are many, many different forms. When you hit the wall, mix things up. The difficulties you will encounter change over the years.

 

It feels like you BOTH need a reminder that you're in this together. You BOTH have needs & I know it can be exhausting. When one form of intimacy is lacking it's all too easy for ALL intimacy to fall into the black hole of depression, pain & loss.

 

Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it & I think this would be a good approach to YOUR CHILD. When we have a running dialogue in our heads it's not good. Have you seen a professional about bonding? Somewhere along the line the descisions was made for you to keep this baby. You are DADDY!! You are stronger than you think. Your capacity to love has no limits. You need to break the mantra in your head. I know it seems impossible but that's just 'seems'.

[road]

OP, get counseling before you decide to stay or leave your wife.

We cannot say if you should be able to handle the trauma that

entered your life.

[anika99]

I agree that you should get counselling before making a decision, but I for one, would not judge you for ending your marriage. The couple of posters who have made references to you thinking with your d&ck and being selfish are not being fair or showing empathy.

 

While your wife may be afraid to start over it could possibly be the best thing for her in the long run. She might be unable to seperate you from the horrific trauma she went through. Her child doesn't deserve to be raised by someone who only sees him/her as the offspring of a rapist. As that child gets older and their own personality and will begins to emerge it will become even harder for you to accept. Even kids that we positively adore can be difficult to love at times so I can't imagine how much worse it will be given that you already seem to feel some contempt for this child.

 

It's a terrible horrific thing that happened to your wife. It's not her fault but it's not your fault either and it's certainly not the child's fault. Perhaps by staying together you are all just keeping everyone trapped in this misery. Perhaps the kindest and most compassionate thing under these circumstances is to set everyone free.

[BTDT2012]

You didn't say how long ago all of this happened, or how long you were in counseling. Have you talked to your wife about this? How old is the child?

[oldshirt]

 

While your wife may be afraid to start over it could possibly be the best thing for her in the long run. She might be unable to seperate you from the horrific trauma she went through. Her child doesn't deserve to be raised by someone who only sees him/her as the offspring of a rapist. As that child gets older and their own personality and will begins to emerge it will become even harder for you to accept. Even kids that we positively adore can be difficult to love at times so I can't imagine how much worse it will be given that you already seem to feel some contempt for this child.

 

It's a terrible horrific thing that happened to your wife. It's not her fault but it's not your fault either and it's certainly not the child's fault. Perhaps by staying together you are all just keeping everyone trapped in this misery. Perhaps the kindest and most compassionate thing under these circumstances is to set everyone free.

 

As horrifically heartbreaking, unfair and downright crappy as this is, I think there can be a lot of truth to what's written above.

 

Both people may be able to get past this and move forward with their lives better separately.

 

That is not an indictment against either of them individually. It may just be how it is.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Terrible things happen. We only get one life to live. Good luck.