Just a Guy Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Hi OP, my opinion is that you should not have posted on a forum like this one. This is something that you need to address with the help of a psychologist/ psychiatrist. The members of this forum are lay people with no specialized knowledge of issues of this type and how they affect people. They can only give generic advice and usually it will be coloured by their own perceptions and set of values. The only true advice and help would come from someone who is a professional and who will evaluate your problems in an unemotional and very rational manner(clinical?). Your story is tragic and your wife's trauma must be horrific. So I would suggest you stick to professionals only to get your advice and make your decisions. Warm wishes. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I am one of those sexually frustrated men in a sexless marriage who would like sex. More than 25 years of marriage. Been here for more than ten of them. While my wife has her issues of pain and all, I cannot imagine what you now have to deal with...nor what your wife has to deal with. It is far from easy, so any quick answer from posters here who have no clue what emotions you have, should be given the weight they deserve. Mine included. Rape destroys a woman and may make her feel totally damaged goods. If you divorce her, then you confirm her feelings that you think the same of her. Adding HIV to it makes her feel even worse. While I am guessing that you deal with every emotion including anger, sadness, guilt, and more, she has them also to deal with. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but IMO I don't think that walking away will give you freedom from this all. And maybe I am wrong, but how would future female prospects view you if they knew you left your wife because of all that happened to her? Will they think of themselves as in the same situation and wonder "What if that were me?" While marriage is not only about sex, the expression of love through sex is a huge piece that keeps the marriage together. Without it, especially for guys but not only, it is much more difficult...but not impossible. Your marriage may never be the same, but that does not mean it cannot be happier than it is not. But here is the question to ask yourself...if you knew that in (fill in the blank) years, your marriage with her would be so much better, then do you love her enough to work towards that day together with her to reach that goal? Sometimes love is simply a commitment without feelings. Sometimes we need to forget what we feel like or what we miss and work at getting it back. Trust me...it is not easy, and there is no guarantee it will be back, or when it is that it will stay. But if it does,then the reward is great. None of us can decide for you what you feel or are willing to handle. None of us even have a clue how we would handle the same situation because we are looking from the outside in, and can go home tonight without still dealing with it all. But hopefully some of the advice will give you some sort of direction to take which will give you answers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I am one of those sexually frustrated men in a sexless marriage who would like sex. More than 25 years of marriage. Been here for more than ten of them. How long has your marriage been sexless? I'm also in a sexless marriage for two years now. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 How long has your marriage been sexless? I'm also in a sexless marriage for two years now. No sex for two years? Our latest period of involuntary abstinence is 18 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author o'bri Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 I deliberately didn't include how long it has been because it is something that was in the news and I don't want to put out a lot of identifying information. Without knowing more identifying information it's not easy to find so I'll say that it has been around 10 years, give or take. I never expected her to go to some therapy and in a year or two be back to normal. Not at all. I'll never expect that. If it were just the sex that was missing (or I knew she'd get "better" at some point), I'd deal with it. I have a hand, it achieves enough. Ideal, no, but it's life. Her life is worse. It's that she doesn't even want to touch me because in her mind she is disgusting and I'll get HIV or HSV from just looking at her. She knows that isn't how transmission works, but regardless of therapies that is were she stopped. Despite us having no means of transmission she still insists that I get tested every 3 months. The opinion that I cannot leave my wife over something like this is probably correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 The opinion that I cannot leave my wife over something like this is probably correct. And yet, that's just what it is - "the opinion" of others. I personally wouldn't stay knowing my emotional state couldn't contribute positively to the health of the marriage or her well-being. If that makes me shallow, so be it. At best, you're choosing between two excruciatingly difficult options... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 No sex for two years? Our latest period of involuntary abstinence is 18 months. The last time we had sex was 8 months ago and prior to that it was a whole year with no sex. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Rape destroys a woman and may make her feel totally damaged goods. If you divorce her, then you confirm her feelings that you think the same of her. . But hasn't she already left him and closed the door on a full marriage many years ago????? The point that I and a couple others have been trying to make is she may feel damaged and tainted etc with him since they were married and had a completely different relationship prior to the attack. But she may not feel as damaged and tainted with a different man that she meets in the future that didn't know her and did not have a relationship with her prior to the attack. No matter how one slices this or tries to grasp this, at the end of the day she does not want him to touch her, kiss her or have intimacies with her. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 But here is the question to ask yourself...if you knew that in (fill in the blank) years, your marriage with her would be so much better, then do you love her enough to work towards that day together with her to reach that goal? . But he doesn't know that. For all he or anyone knows, it may never improve. It's been 10 years. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 And I do agree that these are all issues that professionals should be consulted about and not a decision to be made on input by ordinary strangers on the internet. But they have had therapists and counselors over the years. Sometimes people come here not for nuts and bolts instruction and guidance on what to specifically do, but rather to just vent and get things off their chest and then sit back and see what other people have to say about it and get a variety of different perspectives and ideas on the subject. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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