Antidepressants & Infidelity

[ShatteredLady]

I'm reading yet another thread, "Low sex partner...D-day", where antidepressant medications are in play. This time the affair started after she stopped taking her meds & reached-out to her 'religious mentor' ftt! for support.

 

My H has cheated twice, 12 years apart & BOTH times he was taking antidepressants. These are the only times in his life he's taken them & he turned into a complete alien being.

 

The meds were NOT being taken for severe depression, meaning that it can't really be argued that the depression led to the affairs if you know what I mean.

 

 

I'm NOT looking for excuses. I've had plenty of time to process both times & I'm definitely not saying something ridiculous like, "antidepressants made him cheat & behave like a d**k!". I just wonder how/if they contributed to the situation.

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Do you feel that the altered brain chemistry contributes in ANY way to the withdrawal, dillusions, coldness of adultery?

 

The changes in my husband when he stopped taking the meds were very obvious.

[AnneP]

I'm reading yet another thread, "Low sex partner...D-day", where antidepressant medications are in play. This time the affair started after she stopped taking her meds & reached-out to her 'religious mentor' ftt! for support.

 

My H has cheated twice, 12 years apart & BOTH times he was taking antidepressants. These are the only times in his life he's taken them & he turned into a complete alien being.

 

The meds were NOT being taken for severe depression, meaning that it can't really be argued that the depression led to the affairs if you know what I mean.

 

 

I'm NOT looking for excuses. I've had plenty of time to process both times & I'm definitely not saying something ridiculous like, "antidepressants made him cheat & behave like a d**k!". I just wonder how/if they contributed to the situation.

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Do you feel that the altered brain chemistry contributes in ANY way to the withdrawal, dillusions, coldness of adultery?

 

The changes in my husband when he stopped taking the meds were very obvious.

 

 

I was Rxed Zoloft after the birth of my second child. Worst mistake of my life was taking those things. I strongly believe there should be a warning on SSRIs that says: WARNING: This drug may cause you to lose interest in anyone/anything you have ever loved. Your personality will change and you'll slowly lose the person you are.

 

I didn't have affairs or seek out other people, however I know this medication changed me in a way that is hard to explain to anyone. I wasn't living, I was existing.

 

My psych verified to me that this class of anti-depressants absolutely changes people and their chemistry to the point of falling out of love with their spouse.

 

Like your husband, I didn't really take them for depression, but for anxiety. I know for me that at times the medication made me feel depressed and I was told that was because I didn't need it for depression that it caused the opposite effect. Not uncommon.

 

You have my sympathy for what you're going through.

[wmacbride]

I can't speak to them and infidelity, but they can really change a person's personality, and not always for the better.

 

Both my husband and oldest child have used them. In their case, it was the lesser of two evils.

 

I do know that in both their cases. they were told that stopping them suddenly was not a good idea, and it can cause severely negative behavior.

[VeveCakes]

That is really interesting because my friend started an emotional affair when she had her meds changed.....she had them changed back and they worked through it.

 

Very interesting thought.

[ShatteredLady]

I'll be the first to put my hands-up & admit that I'm over sensitive. I'm different in the work place. I've always been shy so even the idea of making a presentation made my blood run cold & my hands shake. I treated my career like being an actress. High heels, black suits, hair dragged-up in a bun. I was a very successful faker.

 

I always needed my 'real life' to be very real. I never had high-maintenance friends. None of my girl friends were drama queens. I've always loved sitting up all night with bottles of wine talking about everything & nothing. I truly 'know' the people I'm close to in my life.

 

I lived with my H for over 6 years before we married. Another 9 before we started trying for a baby. I believed that I truly knew him, inside out. We shared all of our secrets. I'd known him in pleasure & pain. Celebrating & mourning. I'd known him under extreme pressure. I KNEW HIM!

 

He has stood over me curled in a little ball, naked & sobbing, totally vulnerable as he said the most awful, venomous things. Things that no decent person could ever say to anyone! The truly sick thing is, he had a sneer of pleasure on his face. For goodness sake! He referred to himself as "The Golden God!". That's humiliating to confess. I NEVER mixed with people like that in real life & suddenly I was married to one!!

 

He was a gentle hippy with long hair & a Bob Dylan tshirt! Suddenly he was this tanned, 6 pack, golden God bum hole!! The day I married I truly believed to the core that he was a man who could NEVER hurt me.

 

I'm very lucky. No-one has ever really been mean to me. I don't have any bad boyfriend stories. I'm the youngest of all my cousins, mostly boys. I have loads of uncles, big brother (who died), loyal, faithful, great father. As I said, I'm over-sensitive but I'm not naive, I'm street smart & educated. I COMPLETELY does my head-in!!!

 

How can I know someone so intimately & for so long & be completely blind-sided? It's NOT about the infidelity. It's the utter cruelty. I'm still shell shocked. He became a total stranger. He could look me in the eye & say the most cruel, mocking, heartless things & I was so shocked that I just couldn't stand-up for myself. I never shouted or screamed. I was simply in shock!

 

I'm married to a man who cries at movies with sick puppy dogs in for gods sake!! He was so numb & cold. I couldn't see 'him' in his eyes. The first time I truly believed that he was having a mental break. There is NOTHING that I would now put beyond him. That's terrifying!!

 

I have to search for other factors. I can't believe that you can be so incredibly close to someone for DECADES & still be blindsided by them. Even Dr Jeckyl had a reason to become Mr Hyde. Is getting the hots for the secretary with the "Great Bum" truly THAT powerful?

[Overtaxed]

I'm married to a man who cries at movies with sick puppy dogs in for gods sake!! He was so numb & cold. I couldn't see 'him' in his eyes. The first time I truly believed that he was having a mental break. There is NOTHING that I would now put beyond him. That's terrifying!!

 

I have to search for other factors. I can't believe that you can be so incredibly close to someone for DECADES & still be blindsided by them. Even Dr Jeckyl had a reason to become Mr Hyde. Is getting the hots for the secretary with the "Great Bum" truly THAT powerful?

 

I know you've been posting on my other thread (thank you!) but I thought I'd say, I feel exactly the same way. I've never seen this side of my partner before, she's very emotional and I expected a waterworks show when she came over on D-day. Instead she was detached. I too feel like she's had some sort of "break" with reality. I wouldn't put her into the "nothing I'd put past her", but, man, what a wake up call. It's shocking how quickly someone can hurt the one they love and not seem to feel any real remorse. I think, in my case, it's just too early, the reality of her situation hasn't sunk in; both what she did, and what she stands to lose if I decide to leave. But, still, what a shock. I picture myself in this situation (being the WH) and I just would expect my actions to be totally different. Promising never to do it again, telling her what a mistake it was, and being emotional at the thought of losing "us" for a night of fun. Maybe not, I don't know, but I wouldn't expect myself to act as my WW has.

 

To the other topic; yes, I am concerned that the removal of her medication has something to do with what's going on here. The timing is very coincident, and, because I have so much electronic evidence, I know that (not have to trust her, I saw the "initiation" of contact in text messages) the issue started very shortly after she came off anti-depressant medication. This, of course, is not an excuse, but it could be a reason for the totally out of character behavior. I've heard the same thing can happen when women stop taking birth control, they fall out of love with their spouse and wind up with another man. Messing with brain or hormonal chemistry has an impact, without a doubt (just like a man drinking too much and winding up in bed with a woman he doesn't find at all attractive, never would have happened absent the booze).

 

Also, as you know, the "cloud loopy" shrink started about the same time too (find yourself, go sit in the wood for a month, etc). So that probably didn't help matters at all.

[seren]

My H had PTSD and Combat Stress, I had lived with him for over 23 yrs when he had the A. I thought that space aliens had sucked his brains out when he was asleep and taken all the lovely things out and replaced them with nasty. I am super assertive, I really do not put up with crap from anyone, I am very gentle, but with a core of super steel, yet, I allowed him to say stuff that has me think I was losing the plot. I would doubt myself and I have an almost eidetic memory, I would go over things again and again and think I know it wasn't what he had said, yet let it go as I thought he was stressed. I was going through chemo and had been given my diagnosis of the chronic disease I have and usually he would have been by my side, he still held the bowl while I threw up after chemo, but he was so, so detached from me, our son even our dogs.

 

IDK if it is the depression and stress or the meds that cause this cold detachment, I know people on anti depressants who feel detached and flat, I also have seen H totally detach when going through PTSD, it is like the vulnerable side goes into a box and hides, leaving the cold machine to deal with life. When I was teenager I was raped, I went into a box and stayed there for many, many years, if anyone came to close to me I would put up the fences and push, push them away, I just couldn't let myself feel. I wonder if this is what happens when a person is depressed, they cannot deal with feelings, true feelings and so locks that bit away, I feel that H locked me, the loving him, us, our son in a box and was afraid for us all and so the alien him took over. His a was so far from what I would expect an A tone, it was cold, it was dark and so, so not what I had known him to be.

 

Only once he told me and once we began to work on what the root of it all was and he had proper support did I begin to see my H, the lovely man. It is all so very complex, some A's are, I am sure based on different things, but not all are the same. xx

[ShatteredLady]

They say that it takes 4-6 weeks for antidepressants to fully 'kick-in'. The OW sent a message, "Hey!" On his Linked-In account. He took a whole week to respond & when he did it was completely manipulative "please don't talk to me. I'm in such a mess at the moment. You hold such power over me..." twaddle.

 

She wrote back, he responded & a couple of messages later he was asking her to set-up a secret account so I couldn't see & "throw a hissy fit". Yep! That's me, hissy-fit girl!!! Ugh!!

 

How do you go from laying on the floor next to your wife's sick bed because "it's comforting just to listen to (her) breathe & to know there's no pain" & writing beautiful love letters because you were so terrified of loosing her....too asking your ex mistress to open a secret account in 8 WEEKS????

[ShatteredLady]

Yep! He was even cold & mean to our cats. We adopted 2 abused kittens. They're so affectionate it should be impossible to just push them away but he did.

 

It all started when my son (7) & daughter (4) were bickering (as they do) no big deal. Before I knew what was happening he had our son pinned to the ground by his throat screaming into his face! This is the ONLY time he's ever layed a hand on him in rage. It was so frightening.

 

It's terrible to look at someone who you believe you know so completely & see a cold, dark stranger staring back at you.

[JuneL]

They say that it takes 4-6 weeks for antidepressants to fully 'kick-in'. The OW sent a message, "Hey!" On his Linked-In account. He took a whole week to respond & when he did it was completely manipulative "please don't talk to me. I'm in such a mess at the moment. You hold such power over me..." twaddle.

 

She wrote back, he responded & a couple of messages later he was asking her to set-up a secret account so I couldn't see & "throw a hissy fit". Yep! That's me, hissy-fit girl!!! Ugh!!

 

How do you go from laying on the floor next to your wife's sick bed because "it's comforting just to listen to (her) breathe & to know there's no pain" & writing beautiful love letters because you were so terrified of loosing her....too asking your ex mistress to open a secret account in 8 WEEKS????

 

OP: Has your husband been back to his normal state since he's off anti-depressant? Has he shown true remorse for his infidelity since he has been back to his normal self? What type of cruel things did he say to you during his dark period?

[ShatteredLady]

He said that he was like a giant insect, just reacting in the moment, no thought, no feeling.

 

He can recall himself saying things but it was as if it was another person. He can't explain the things he said or did. I don't know if that's true or a cop-out. He gets angry & refuses to discuss it mostly. Basically he shuts me down. My feelings surrounding the subject irritate him.

 

I don't mention it very often because every time I do he ends-up saying something that deeply hurts & adds to the list of awful thoughts that circle my brain every single day. I'm sick & tired of crying. I just want him to hold me & say that he's sorry.

 

The last time I was crying & he asked, I ended-up saying that & his response was "I'm not sure it was a mistake" & that ended with a bitchy "so you want me to hold you now?". He's just too defensive. It breaks me more to talk but I desperately need to talk. Ugh!

[ShatteredLady]

OP: Has your husband been back to his normal state since he's off anti-depressant? Has he shown true remorse for his infidelity since he has been back to his normal self? What type of cruel things did he say to you during his dark period?

 

 

To be honest everything was such a mess that I don't know when he stopped taking them.

 

WARNING - Really long boring post for anyone who's been here a while. I'm sorry!

 

At the time, all I knew was he was being extremely distant, cold, grumpy. For example we went Christmas shopping for the kids. Usually we would be like big kids in a toy store. Playing with things & chatting, laughing, thinking about the kids. I picked something up, turned to talk to him & he was gone! I looked for him, continued shopping, still couldn't find him, got worried. Finally I found him in the back of the store playing a computer game! I said Hi! & watched him for a while. I asked if our son would like it & he said emotionlessly "What?". I replied "The game! Do you think he would like the game?". He responded "Hadn't thought. Do what you want. Ready to pay?". He wasn't even interested in what I bought that day.

 

Come New Years Day I checked on my pain forum & he had posted 'anonymously' a thread titled "My former Magical Life". I knew it was him immediately but prayed it wasn't. The post was basically asking if it would be selfish to leave his burden, cripple wife & kids to pursue Love, Romance & Adventure or if he should live a nothing, blah, meaningless life forever. It was NOT genuine. It was a passive aggressive dig at me. He had posted it & quietly waited over Christmas for me to read it.

 

I fell apart. I asked if there was another woman (I had never done that in over 25 years) he deserved an Oscar. He was so adamant that he cared for no-one, INCLUDING ME! Me asking was yet another example of how crap I am. He refused to tell me what I'd done wrong. He said that if he had to tell me what made me such a terrible wife & person I would only change because he told me to. If he had to tell me I wouldn't be doing the correct things because I love him. I had to prove my love for him.

 

If I did all the right things & became a 'good wife' I could save our marriage & our family. If I continued to do the wrong things I would loose everything. Everything was my fault. I was on trial & I had to prove myself worthy. I drove myself insane guessing what 'right things' I had to do.

 

I was recovering from surgery & a septic body. I was exhausted & heavily medicated. I was in agony. I just wanted to die. Living with chronic pain & being treated that way was way, way, way more than I could handle. I tied myself in knots. My daughter was still home all the time & my son was in school. Just dealing with my health & amusing a little one 24/7 was overwhelming with the insane stress.

 

I would do things like plan a date night, dress-up beautifully, make it all about him. We would have a lovely night & return home to 'romance' throughout the night. The next day he would be cold again & pull away if I tried to kiss him. When questioned he would always say that I'd created a spark but it just didn't catch. It was heart breaking!

 

I constantly questioned what was wrong with me? What had I done that was so bad that I could do this to him? I started to doubt my own sanity. When my pain is really intense I react by going white, sweating & then collapsing. When my back was bad & I tried to cuddle him he would push me away really forcefully, hurting me more, saying "errr disgusting! You're so sweaty. It's gross!".

 

I ended-up apologizing at the end of everything I said. My words were the most irritating sound known to man kind, based on his reactions. He spent every moment staring at his phone or tablet. If I tried to talk he would act engrossed & just shout "What are you drivelling on about now?". I pretty much stopped talking other than "what would you like to eat?" & "Do you want a drink?", "shall I run your shower now?" just basic stuff like that but even my breathing annoyed him. The kids just followed me everywhere. I felt so guilty. He criticized the way I mothered them. He even criticized the way we play.

 

He had written in his forum post that I was a failure of a mother. "Kids are adaptable. I guess they might grow-up with a few memories of doing crafts at the kitchen table with their mother!". He worked 12 hours a day & spent the rest of the time in the garage smoking with his phone & tablet.

 

To be honest it completely broke me. I grew to hate myself. I was completely isolated by then. He was the only adult I ever saw to talk to & he hated me with a vengeance.

 

Come Mothers Day he sent me delivery flowers!! I was over the moon with my little bunch of Lilly's. The card read "To Shattered. From husband & kids names. That made me cry. When I went onto the computer I saw several different emails from the florists. The invoice read, "Buy 2 get 1 of LESSER VALUE only 1/2 price!". I went into the other emails & saw the HUGE beautiful bouquet that was CHOICE 1. The card read "To the BEST MOTHER in the whole world. All of my LOVE ALWAYS shattered's husband AND CHILDREN!!

 

I recognized her name but begged myself to be wrong! I recognized her name as the woman he had an affair with 12 years before. The woman he was cheating on me with when he became an abusive monster. That time it got so bad that a complete stranger handed me the details to a secret woman's shelter after watching us for 5 minutes in the shop!!

 

That night when everyone was in bed I completely trashed the flowers. I blatantly lied to my children for the first time in my life & told them that the cats knocked them down & ate them. My son didn't believe me. I can't describe the pain.

 

When questioned he coldly said "Yes they were for her. I wrote "To the best mother in the world....." & had a sly look of pleasure on his face. He smiled & asked "Anything else?"....

 

I was finally completely shattered.

 

He tried to convince me that they were "Just good friends" & he needed her to talk to to make himself feel good because I was such a useless crippled burden. I just shut-down & died inside.

 

Months later I found a few of their messages back & forth. It was a relief to be honest. It explained so much. I told him to go & he broke down saying "Why don't I realize what I stand to loose until it's all gone too far!". He threatened suicide but that was just a way to shut me up because he knows how my brothers suicide hurt everyone.

 

I know he wasn't refilling his prescriptions at this point...

 

He told me when he planned to kill himself. He had been convincing me to take the children to visit my parents in England. He had searched flights & driving directions to be with her but no suicide information strangely!

 

Anyway....it's all over now. Everything's hunky dory! I've broken something inside of me & until I just get over it I will never be 'normal' again. Writing on forums just keeps it alive & I only do it to torture myself & not forget all about it. I'd be completely over-it if I didn't go on forums. "Why can't I just be happy & get on with things like normal people do after something like this?".

[aileD]

I'm reading yet another thread, "Low sex partner...D-day", where antidepressant medications are in play. This time the affair started after she stopped taking her meds & reached-out to her 'religious mentor' ftt! for support.

 

My H has cheated twice, 12 years apart & BOTH times he was taking antidepressants. These are the only times in his life he's taken them & he turned into a complete alien being.

 

The meds were NOT being taken for severe depression, meaning that it can't really be argued that the depression led to the affairs if you know what I mean.

 

 

I'm NOT looking for excuses. I've had plenty of time to process both times & I'm definitely not saying something ridiculous like, "antidepressants made him cheat & behave like a d**k!". I just wonder how/if they contributed to the situation.

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Do you feel that the altered brain chemistry contributes in ANY way to the withdrawal, dillusions, coldness of adultery?

 

The changes in my husband when he stopped taking the meds were very obvious.

 

 

The first time my husband had an affair, was right after he went on Prozac. It was night and day like I didn't know him anymore. It was so strange.

I can't say it was the reason, because this time antidepressants were not involved. But at the time we felt it was a contributing factor

[BaileyB]

Dear Shatteredlady,

 

I'm so sorry. Your story is really heartbreaking, both for your physical pain and suffering and because of your emotional pain and suffering.

 

With all due respect, its hard to read your description of your husbands behavior. Based on what you've shared, he has said and done some incredibly hurtful things. I won't tell you that you are wrong for staying and trying to work it out, especially with two small children. It's a very personal decision.

 

I will say, you are a stronger woman than me... I don't know that I could stay because I could never trust my husband again. And in that, I don't necessarily mean the cheating but I could never trust him not to hurt me again. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, because to move forward and find some peace of mind you have to find a way to forgive. But, I would never be able to forget that kind of behavior from the man I love. I could never really love a man who treated me so badly...

 

If you chose to stay, you will at some point have to stop torturing yourself if you ever want to move forward and find any kind of happiness. Perhaps you do this because you are afraid to let go - that would mean that you will have to trust again and move forward. I felt that way after I lost my mom, I wanted to hold onto the pain and sadness because when I let that go, it meant that I had to move forward. And, I just want ready to do that yet...

[Mind-Chants]

I'll be the first to put my hands-up & admit that I'm over sensitive. I'm different in the work place. I've always been shy so even the idea of making a presentation made my blood run cold & my hands shake. I treated my career like being an actress. High heels, black suits, hair dragged-up in a bun. I was a very successful faker.

 

I always needed my 'real life' to be very real. I never had high-maintenance friends. None of my girl friends were drama queens. I've always loved sitting up all night with bottles of wine talking about everything & nothing. I truly 'know' the people I'm close to in my life.

 

I lived with my H for over 6 years before we married. Another 9 before we started trying for a baby. I believed that I truly knew him, inside out. We shared all of our secrets. I'd known him in pleasure & pain. Celebrating & mourning. I'd known him under extreme pressure. I KNEW HIM!

 

He has stood over me curled in a little ball, naked & sobbing, totally vulnerable as he said the most awful, venomous things. Things that no decent person could ever say to anyone! The truly sick thing is, he had a sneer of pleasure on his face. For goodness sake! He referred to himself as "The Golden God!". That's humiliating to confess. I NEVER mixed with people like that in real life & suddenly I was married to one!!

 

He was a gentle hippy with long hair & a Bob Dylan tshirt! Suddenly he was this tanned, 6 pack, golden God bum hole!! The day I married I truly believed to the core that he was a man who could NEVER hurt me.

 

I'm very lucky. No-one has ever really been mean to me. I don't have any bad boyfriend stories. I'm the youngest of all my cousins, mostly boys. I have loads of uncles, big brother (who died), loyal, faithful, great father. As I said, I'm over-sensitive but I'm not naive, I'm street smart & educated. I COMPLETELY does my head-in!!!

 

How can I know someone so intimately & for so long & be completely blind-sided? It's NOT about the infidelity. It's the utter cruelty. I'm still shell shocked. He became a total stranger. He could look me in the eye & say the most cruel, mocking, heartless things & I was so shocked that I just couldn't stand-up for myself. I never shouted or screamed. I was simply in shock!

 

I'm married to a man who cries at movies with sick puppy dogs in for gods sake!! He was so numb & cold. I couldn't see 'him' in his eyes. The first time I truly believed that he was having a mental break. There is NOTHING that I would now put beyond him. That's terrifying!!

 

I have to search for other factors. I can't believe that you can be so incredibly close to someone for DECADES & still be blindsided by them. Even Dr Jeckyl had a reason to become Mr Hyde. Is getting the hots for the secretary with the "Great Bum" truly THAT powerful?

 

Regardless of all technicalities in Psychology, three things determine human behavior. His genetics load the gun, his psychology aims it, and the environment pulls the trigger.

[waterwoman]

I think it's dangerous to generalise. ADs can be a life-saver.

 

I am a chronic depressive. I began to get symptoms of what I later recognised as depression in my late teens. Since that time I cycled through anxiety and depression (different sides of the same coin) again and again, increasing in severity until after my DD was born 17 years ago. That was the point I was diagnosed and started to take citalopram. I will probably never be off them but I work very hard to maintain my mental health in other ways and keep my dosage the lowest possible. Believe me when I say I know a bit about depression and ADs.

 

ADs changed my personality. It changed it from a isolated, self-absorbed ultimately suicidal blob of greyness, with no self-worth, no energy, no motivation, stuck in a glass bubble of my own misery, to that of an entry-level functioning human being. Then the hard work started to mend my poor aching mind - exercise, activity, sleep ( depression makes you tired but can make you sleepless), better food, mindfulness. The ADs were the hammer I used to crack the walls of the bubble, I still had to do the work to get out.

 

It is depression that makes you selfish and heartless. it does so because you are utterly isolated with nothing to give because you have nothing. Some depressives are fighting to get the energy to simple keep living. I suspect the common factor in these stories is often the condition rather than the cure. H had his affair when I was at my lowest - I found out about when I had begun to heal. That didn't help!

 

The worst of it? My DD is showing the same symptoms right now If ADs can help her I wouldn't expect her to hesitate. Maybe taking them now will prevent it becoming a lifelong issue for her too.

 

SL - have you tried counselling?

[seren]

SL, there will come a time when you will have to start looking ahead, constantly looking into the abyss means you are just replaying the same feelings, the same dreadful stuff over and over. It serves no purpose other than to continue the torture that an A is. There needs to be a definite acknowledgement that that was then, this is now time, your posts bleed emotion, they speak of someone who was systematically broken by the lies, the move to the UK can be symbolic, if you let it, the move means that you can have a new beginning. Of course none of us ever forget, but keeping it at the forefront is wearing you down, time to step away from the pain.

 

I wonder if you have thought of IC, Relate are really good, writing down all that you are feeling can be cathartic, but once written you can go back and read how you feel, and it can reinforce all the negative things you feel, both about the A and yourself. Saying it out loud to someone will mean you still get it out, but you don't get to go back and read over how painful it was, is, it might allow you to heal better and maybe begin to pick up the shattered pieces and put yourself back together again.

 

I hope today is a little easier. xxxx

[CaliforniaGirl]

I commiserate with and feel horrible for those who have experienced these terrible stories.

 

But I have to agree with waterwoman. Honestly, I've known A LOT of people on ADs and have never met a single one who turned from a soft person to someone who would stand over a curled-up terrified naked person, jeering and mocking with laughter on his face or whatever...our any of the other horrors described here (and they really are horrific, I had tears in my eyes reading some of this stuff).

 

Something else is going on, IMO - either these ADs were the wrong ones (to understate things), or the "mild-mannered"ness was the fake persona and with the ADs these guys gave a big old "to hell with it" and the real them came out, OR there was something deeper and darker going on in there mental illness-wise.

 

I know I'm a sample size of exactly one and no more, but as I said, I have known so many people who needed chemical help for depression and/or anxiety over the past 30-ish (I think) years or so of ADs being around, and literally have never known one single person to undergo a frightening and dramatic personality change. I HAVE known people whose personalities seemed to change in happier ways OR somewhat more anxious ways (in that latter case they stopped the AD, or changed it...etc.). But not a Jeckyll and Hyde thing and definitely no sadism and love/enjoyment of harming and frightening anyone.

 

What I'm saying is, don't torture yourselves thinking that if not for the ADs, the spouses would never have turned sadistic and abusive. I don't think you can know that. Maybe that's the case - anything can happen. But there could be something a lot more "wrong" with these spouses, something that could not have been prevented by not taking the ADs (or perhaps could not have been prevented, period). My $.02 (and no, I'm not associated in any way with anything Big Pharma-ish).

[ShatteredLady]

The only place I discuss the whole thing is here. I don't even mention it to friends or family. Life is moving on. Of course it's always there but it's taking up a lot less head space day by day but sometimes I wonder if that's actually a good thing?

 

Am I rugsweeping? I think so & that concerns me because if I forget & reach the same place of calm & contentment I did before....?

 

As the days pass it's all to easy to put it behind me. I'm someone who does NOT agree that you never truly get over it. I did! I know a lot of huge things happened in our life making it easier for it to fade into the fog of history. Much bigger things (or so I thought) happened. I was completely & utterly blindsided.

 

It's hard to explain what it does to your everything when it happens AGAIN with the same person after 12 years. I'd forgotten that he could be 'that' man. I honestly didn't imagine for one moment that he could possibly even think of dragging that back into our lives.

 

Anyway, it's hard to answer questions without answering questions. It's how I truly feel when I think about it. I may think about it less often but nothing other than time has happened for me to think of it any differently.

 

I'm a shining example of what happens when an affair is not discussed. When a couple doesn't go through the necessary steps. I'm an insight into rugsweeping for any wayward who thinks because they've silenced their BS everything is hunky dory.

 

Maybe he's correct & going on forums only keeps it alive & I should "get over myself!". I clearly don't agree. I've made huge lifechanging steps that would be overwhelming at the best of times. I'm on a journey. I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was or who I was but my perception of the fundamental facts hasn't been given any reason to change at this point in time.

 

I hope that won't always be the truth....

[Mind-Chants]

He has stood over me curled in a little ball, naked & sobbing, totally vulnerable as he said the most awful, venomous things. Things that no decent person could ever say to anyone! The truly sick thing is, he had a sneer of pleasure on his face. For goodness sake! He referred to himself as "The Golden God!". That's humiliating to confess. I NEVER mixed with people like that in real life & suddenly I was married to one!!

 

WARNING ! GEEKY STUFF MENTIONED IN THIS POST. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

 

** I posted a detailed scientific perspective yesterday in my earlier post #15 but for some reason final post is showing just first two lines of it. So giving a toned down version again. Hope this helps you to find the answers you are looking for.

 

 

Human mood is regulated by a neurotransmitter called serotonin. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that enable neural transmission. During neural transmission, neurotransmitters are continuously produced and reabsorbed by the body. The process of re-absorption is called reuptake.

 

Depression is caused when the serotonin level is below normal. ADs like SSRI increase the serotonin level. How do they do it? SSRI stands for Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors. Like mentioned above, Serotonin is re-absorbed by the system (reuptake). ADs are designed to inhibit the reuptake process hence increasing the Serotonin content to elevate the mood.

 

Do they impact personality? Kind of yes. Actually they don’t directly impact but the mood changes impact the personality. Two aspects of personality that are impacted the most: - Introversion/Extraversion and Neuroticism/Stability. People are known to become more outgoing and more emotionally stable due to the changes.

 

BUT SSRIs can increase the Serotonin level above normal in some cases which depends on individual physiology. A very high level of serotonin causes a state of Maniac behaviour (Wiki Mania). This is kind of the mirror image of depression at the other extreme end. During mania, an individual behaves abnormally irritable. Individuals often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences.

 

Antidepressant-Induced Mania. This switching (Depression to Mania) is particularly prevalent among juveniles and young adults exposed to treatment with an antidepressant or stimulant for a depressive, anxiety, or attention disorder. Such pathological shifts of mood and behavior may represent adverse drug actions or a manifestation of undiagnosed bipolar disorder (“latent bipolar disorder”).

 

 

Now the mood elevation with antidepressants is justified as the diagnosis of bipolar disorder, whereas earlier it was considered a drug-induced reaction. (DSM 5)

[StreetLight]

Honestly ive tried a bunch of these meds and so far non of them do any good.

 

It takes the feeling out of your life.. its like your eating the most beautiful meal but you cannot taste it... so you try to do the most outrageous things to feel something..

 

It sucks feeling numb for yourself and the people around you.

 

Im sorry to hear what happened to you ShatteredLady just like you think you like to keep the pain going by going on forums and i do other things to keep the pain going cause at the end of the day... we are hurting ourselves in the process too. Im speaking from the cheaters point of view.

 

I dont think any of what happened with you actually had anything to do with you but more about him and him not having a relationship with himself... properly not loving himself. Its easy to "love" someone but its hard to show them love when you havent shown yourself love.

 

Like i know im hurting myself more by what ive done but yet i never could stay away from the sweet pain it caused i guess i was brought up loving pain because rarely anything good ever happened no one showed me how to love or i never felt good enough... there for i could never show anyone else that they were good enough even when they are the most wonderful person in the world.

 

Im not saying its an excuse... it sucks not feeling but feeling sometimes its like inside of theres 2 people one is the empathy which is way back there and only gets a voice sometimes that keeps a little hope that you can actually be a good person.. trick is to how bring them to the front.

 

I got off topic but anyway i think meds turn people into zombies most of the time.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

The only place I discuss the whole thing is here. I don't even mention it to friends or family. Life is moving on. Of course it's always there but it's taking up a lot less head space day by day but sometimes I wonder if that's actually a good thing?

 

Am I rugsweeping? I think so & that concerns me because if I forget & reach the same place of calm & contentment I did before....?

 

As the days pass it's all to easy to put it behind me. I'm someone who does NOT agree that you never truly get over it. I did! I know a lot of huge things happened in our life making it easier for it to fade into the fog of history. Much bigger things (or so I thought) happened. I was completely & utterly blindsided.

 

It's hard to explain what it does to your everything when it happens AGAIN with the same person after 12 years. I'd forgotten that he could be 'that' man. I honestly didn't imagine for one moment that he could possibly even think of dragging that back into our lives.

 

Anyway, it's hard to answer questions without answering questions. It's how I truly feel when I think about it. I may think about it less often but nothing other than time has happened for me to think of it any differently.

 

I'm a shining example of what happens when an affair is not discussed. When a couple doesn't go through the necessary steps. I'm an insight into rugsweeping for any wayward who thinks because they've silenced their BS everything is hunky dory.

 

Maybe he's correct & going on forums only keeps it alive & I should "get over myself!". I clearly don't agree. I've made huge lifechanging steps that would be overwhelming at the best of times. I'm on a journey. I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was or who I was but my perception of the fundamental facts hasn't been given any reason to change at this point in time.

 

I hope that won't always be the truth....

 

Gosh you are such a kind woman. I wrote on your other thread too. I have to agree with the other person who said to stop looking into the abyss. Life is moving on but it seems like you are not. I think your Husband doesn't deserve you and he appears to be a very manipulative person. And as far as your children, they have a good mother !

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Much appreciated

[ShatteredLady]

Please don't get me wrong. The last thing I would want is for someone who really needs these medications to not take them. I believe that they can be absolute life savers.

 

They alter brain chemistry. My concern is when antidepressants are prescribed to patients who don't need their brain chemistry altered in that way.

 

I do have another lurking worry. My brother took his own life. He was going through a terrible ordeal with infidelity & believed that he was loosing everything. He was prescribed antidepressants months before his suicide. Me & my Mum kept saying to him "Get ANGRY!! Why can't you get angry?".

 

I know that these medications do come with warnings & they have be proven to cause suicidal tendencies in teenagers. Is the human brain under extreme duress more like a teenagers brain? Does that make any sense?

 

I really don't know. Maybe he would have made different choices if he had MORE antidepressants? Would his choice of been the same unmedicated? We will never know.

 

I have MANY other thoughts on both of these situations. I'm NOT blaming the meds in either. I'm just interested in others experiences.

 

If you do need antidepressants for your medical condition PLEASE discuss this with your doctor before you stop taking your medications. These are just one persons experiences & I don't know if the antidepressants had ANYTHING to do with either.

[spanz1]

i do not have much personal experience with such meds, but I hear that aerobic exercise is supposed to have a BIG impact on depresion. DO your 15 minutes EVERY MORNING!

 

Exercise and Depression - Harvard Health