Open door for second, break up or something else???

[mp3sgt]

This is in ref to a heterosexual relationship. I am 32, she is 28. She has more dating experience than I do. I should start from the past few months. We met early July and called exclusive in early August. However, the flags that I did not see was her insistence that she is open to but not really as ready for a relationship as I was. One factor is that we both work for the same public safety government agency and thus will inevitably work with one another in person or over another form of communication. We are both deep intellectuals with analytical minds that could go in thinking over-analytical circles for days. She is a self described hermit and social interaction wears her down. Now for the problem:

 

The female part of whatever this is now has previously stated that in her opinion, the spark of the mental connection was a structure fire with the same for the physical connection. She says, however, that the emotional connection was not where she felt it should be. So this went one for a while, me just thinking she was just mentioning but gladly working the issue. She would bring up the emotional connection issue about once a week. I again would hear but would really not listen to this as a true issue, instead thinking that as we dated and progressed that the emotional connection would light. So time went on. I was always the pushy persistent one and was able to get her to conduct some activities, everything short of sex. She never voiced regret or conflict at our activities but said many times how the emotional connection is not matching the physical connection. Yet we went on dates, hung out, talked, etc. But I did notice that the past month or so, she seemed a bit more distant. I met her sister, who lives 5 hours away, during a trip we took together, 2 weeks ago. I just figured it was because of all the extra social interaction from her job, shiftmates, few friends and the female roommate moving in as well as a PS4 game (also a serious gamer).

 

Come Friday of last week. She is off work and made plans to come to my house (we have never cohabitated). Part of her personality is her need to please everyone. So, the plan was for her to spend time playing games with some (married) shiftmates and then come to my place for dinner and a movie. Around 430pm, I get a text with her saying she is intoxicated and may not make it up. Well, part of her whole personality was keeping plans and she has gotten angry if plans were not kept. She asked if I would be angry if she did not come up. I was honest (but at the same time unconsciously manipulative) and said yes I would be angry. She asked me to give her a half hour to see if she would be good enough to drive or she would have me pick her up. 45 minutes later, she calls me and tells me she is on the way. She gets to my place and I put in the movie but because of my earlier anger, I become distant to her and make it obvious (yet another unconscious manipulation). The evening continues, we sit together for the movie and we start play wrestling and making out. That continues to "activities" and we end up at "3rd base" which is a bit farther than previous "activities". We finish that and the finish the movie together. She left for home later.

 

So comes Sunday of this week, 4 days ago. I suggested we get lunch. She gave me a time and I chose a place. We met with time limited by me having to go to work. I felt that something was lingering under the skin and I opened my mouth to ask about it. We talked and barely ate. She explained in great detail how she has an expectation of a certain amount of emotional spark by now and how she believed it was not there. She used past relationships for examples to illustrate her point. She would never attribute Friday's activities directly to her feelings but that was and is still my thought. So we ended the lunch date with a hug and quick kiss but an awkward one. We still talked daily but not as deeply. I called her Tuesday evening to suggest a meeting before my workday on Wednesday to talk. She suggested her place and a time, which worked for both of us. Due to who I am and my past, I spent the rest of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning thinking and analyzing while having no appetite. Now to the talk.

 

I came over on time and with a heavy feeling. Her demeanor matched mine in heaviness. I am very much man enough to admit that I broke down during the talk. I drew tears. She broke down even further. I don't want to specify her occupation but it involves a hard shell and a need to impress as it is not a woman heavy occupation. So her breaking down so deeply did not help my emotional condition. I arrived there at 1230p. I ended up calling into work and not going due to my incapacity to do the work needed due to my emotional condition. Thus, my whole afternoon was freed up. We both cried, we both feared what would happen. We voiced EVERYTHING. I voiced how the smallest but most satisfying thing she did in earlier times was send a little text or video chat while I slept (her dayshift, me evenings). She voiced how she liked the goofy me, the funny not so serious me. Her biggest fear was me completely leaving her without any contact or friendship after the talk. My biggest fear was the loss of a close relationship and knowing how easily women have finding a guy in my area. Also, the possibility of losing what we call our "routine" of communication caused an extremely tearful reaction especially from her. Our jobs are within the same scope at the same agency so we communicate extremely often about things both work and personal. Basically, we talk about the interesting and routine tidbits of our days (what keeps fostering that mental connection). So, she came up with the "second chance with an open door" for the future as an idea. It was either completely break off everything and awkwardly deal with work required communication or go for the second chance thing. The second chance thing is rooted in her history since she says 2 of her past relationships better developed during the second chance thing. We both spent about 4 hours completely in tears and never answered a phone or text or moved from the same room. Then, an optimist's sign happened. Her dog (who would not even get close to me in the 6 months I have been present) walked up to me, nudged my hand and made me pet her before she laid down on me. This part was just weird. But I digress.

 

The conversation could have easily ended with me leaving after losing tears. But it did not. We both somehow worked on, what I believe, fostering a new connection that day. We rode the roller coaster of emotions within a single 10 hour timeframe. We were able to even joke about things and just talk like after we first met with light humor and smiles. We both agreed that we have become so rooted in our "routine" communication that it would hurt us both to cease that. I was the typical pursuer so I told her that the ball is in her field. By the end of the night when she was too tired to stay awake, we agreed it was time for me to head home. For unknown reason, she insisted that we talk on the phone on my way home. I told her, call me then. She did and we joked on my way home and had a good conversation.

 

Today, I awoke to 3 texts and a video chat from her. We chatted back and forth about things but did not bring up the subject at hand. I believe it will need to be brought up but right now, she wants to do the step back and work on the emotional spark with a friendship base.

 

After all of this, it feels more like a course correction of the relationship done quite a bit harshly than a breakup with second chance. But I write because I want opinions. What do you all think? I know this was a lot to read, but I do really appreciate it!!!!

[mp3sgt]

Not trying to push this post, but cannot find an edit button! I want to add that today, it seemed like every day. Attentive, talked about things like family and just talked about the day. Makes my optimistic side ask if this is some period of time where she wants to get out of the "pressure" of a relationship and feeling obligated to do be the "girlfriend" but still keep my companionship. The realist and pessimistic says this is a sham yet benefiting both of us...at least until she finds someone. I have seen both. Sorry again to post, but wanted to provide the whole background. Thanks!

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she just doesn't have the right feelings for you to continue.

 

She has been saying from the beginning that she doesn't feel emotionally connected. That is significant. It's not something that can be manufactured after many months together and her still having doubts. I believe she likes you to an extent and cares, but she knows it's not right to string you along when her heart isn't in it for the same reasons yours is.

 

Also, if all her relationships included breaks and second chances - that is a red flag. It's indicative of someone who is either getting into relationships for the wrong reasons and with the wrong people (and thus always looking for an exit) or someone who isn't able to sustain emotional intimacy.

 

I would let this one go and focus on finding someone who is a better match.

[Sweetfish]

This post indeed caught my attention. I find there are little clues that you give us that I don't think the average person would give when asking questions and i want to lend my perspective and I guess from there you can decided what you want to believe.

 

I want to point out something that you may not like. I believe your gf seeks many male attention (maybe she is insecure inside) and your oblivious to it or know this... but it contradicts your data. (Everything you know about her) what you should also noted is that you say your girlfriend is a serious gamer.. are you sure? Or is is it her platform to get attention? Are the games she play mostly online platform or games that she exclusively uses the multiplayer function and not the 1P function. What im getting at is its can be no different than facebook... actually worse because you can "talk" to other people in video games... female players can often become a "queen bee" with many people following her no different than social media sharing her "handle" with a 90% all male market.

 

Other people here may tell you "whats the big deal..many male and females play videogames" in this situation its a big deal because you brought it up and something tells me in hindsight you believe she uses video games to connect with other males and it slightly brothers you. But, how can you express that on a forum without looking insecure. Lets add to the fact that she had game night with a bunch of guys and drinking.... but the same night it progressed into sex with you later.

 

So lets review...

She was drinking and gaming with a bunch of men.

The night ends with you guys watching a movie and having sex.

 

This is why she says is not EMOTIONALLY connected.

She is supplying her emotional needs from other men and getting the touchy feelly and mental feelings from you. She is looking for the who package deal.

 

She is getting sexual charged by other men and those desires get shifted to you. No different than a man going to a strip club and going home and unloading on his wife the sexual urges.

 

For women, the emotional connection is king and "routines" are one way of killing the emotional connection.

I will miss our "routine" talks is friend-zone talk. This is not something females think of when the relationship is at risk..."oooh, i think ill miss the talks" no it sounds more like "I loooove him so much...what do I do?"

 

She says after her "talks" the relationships get better... well obviously they don't because they are exes now.. I think her talks just creates urgency in these men and they start to give her "More" attention... but the faith of these men end the same.

 

Personally, I think she is conflicted. I think she likes introverted men as she has a comfort-zone with them... but she wants the connection that you get from extroverts.

I could be wrong and making assumptions. You would know that answer better. I believe your introverted, but now she wants more and you may not be able to give that to her because it doesn't fit your personality...

 

 

Where were you when she had her game night anf drinking with these other guys?

 

To be honest this has to be reversed. Who wants to be at a job and told they are not performing? They can be axe'd at any minute..

 

Well this is where your balls have to grow sir." I'd perform better if we had more supplies, if I was paid fairly, and I got better hours."

 

You need to address the problems you see in the relationship just like the example above. Show some balls and you will get respect and the emotional connection. If you don't get the respect YOU HAVE to be the one to walk as much as it will kill you, its you that has to deliever her the second chance. Why? Because if she is putting an effort to impress some men... don't you deserve equal or better?

 

You need to point out her behavior. The things you don't like and dont br passive. You also need to kill that movie B.S. and do other things and don't get caught up in the she doesn't like social interaction... thats introvert talk for I like to party and do stuff... just not every night and not with 50 people I don't know. Read between the lines!

 

There are many sites like social living that will email you local events in your area like every week. I HAVE NOT meet one women who doesn't like a resturant venue with live music or salsa class. Even if its once.

 

 

 

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