Tossed to the trash bin again [UPDATE: How long for the obsessive thoughts to end?]

[escapefantasy]

Hi everyone

This is my first post but have read a lot of your posts. So heres my story not much different then the rest but still struggling.

Back ground info:

We were all family units happy and did a lot together. I started to have differences with the Wife catching her in lies, backstabbing, pitting other friends against each other in what use to be a very fun group. My H and I ended up leaving them behind moving on with friends who also dropped her from the drama. That said nothing was even thought of between me (the OW later in story) and my MM. They were married we were married all was good. Then my self and MM are accused of an A by her. NO we were not at the time nor entertained such thoughts to be honest. We fixed that problem and were nice when in mutual events.

Then it happened a year later my MM had a few drinks when at a function and when no one was looking pulled me in and laid the most amazing kiss on me I have ever had. when leaving and in a cab I told my H what had happen we laughed it off went home happy. Little did I know I was being prepped I guess you could say. Little by little friendly text more and more over time. Until talking everyday. Then moved into more sexual until 4.5 years later its a full blowen A with many ups and downs highs and lows over those years.

 

fast forward to 3 months ago

Im now married 17 years as well as MM

Im tired of the pumping up I have to give MM all the time none in return, the silence on nights and weekends, on text call basically. Im tired of my H depressed and not respecting me married very young says he doesnt know how to show love never did and that is true We were so young married.

I voice this to my H he says dont know what you want me to do. Voice this to my MM Im a toy/board filler to him he says if you were just that I wouldnt have to talk to you everyday. 4 years has to mean something, and on and on for months how its more to him he cares. MM and I have never in those years said I love you but always things like you home safe now, dont text and drive wait till you get there,go to sleep you will be tired little things that you say if you cared. I was actually happy very happy this is wrong I know but honest I was happy. Then 2 weeks ago she found a text in his phone one text thats it. He said was to wrong person. But results were as expected. He called me from an outside phone said what happen basically a Dday now hes under watch and wouldnt put it past her to tail him. Told me stay away from him so I dont get any bounce back I promptly said thats it its over he said no very fast and just have to lay low for a while if we can, he will call with an update. Then he had to go. I waited a week felt like a sitting duck with a gun to my head worst feeling ever yes deserve it yes. I couldnt handle it tracked him down on a street he said couldnt call shes on him none stop now. We arranged a call that night.

The last Call

yes he called didnt think he would but yes. During that call he was all over the place I said its over think of how you felt this week that guilt to her not the loss of me. Then he got mad its about survival right now or she will leave, Might even be in separate beds on trip dont know till there. I said I know im not your priority nor ever will be so its time to stop (hardest thing for me to ever get out) he backed down said no again just lay low for a bit. I then confronted the truth you cant text your phone is on watch cant see you prob being tailed, what do I do? He says I dont know what the future holds we have called off before and cant, I will get ahold of you some how I always do. I then told him Im NOT a call girl never will be not fare to me every corner every parking lot wondering waiting days weeks months? He said I cant say what the future is I just have to stay in my home his kids only thing saving marriage right now as it is. Shes not acting diff or even fighting with him since confronting about that one text. I was tied of talking about it he was leaving but wouldnt admit it I knew as well. So with long you hang up a cant over and over we finally hung up. That was a week ago.

 

Today

Im a mess miss him so much hate cry hate fog miss Wont text him or contact he always started it and Im sure shes blocked my number on his phone not even trying to find out. But I feel like a death has come and cant cope.

During this time my H being him decided we have to go to couples counselling been begging him to go for years then this month he says yes. Ok yes great MM gone focus on H see if can save my own marriage I know but so hard grieving the lose of one man I love same time trying to save it with another and I dont know if I even want too.

 

OM is now jetting off with friends and his W for a week trip on the beach all happy happy prob in the same bed I might add just bugged me he said that to me. Me left a mess feeling dropped/forgotten/last 4.5 years meant nothing.

 

My MM gone its so hard I dont even know if he thinks its over or Im waiting or hes calling it off no balls to tell me He left it so open we dont know what the future holds hes just thinking the right now WTH. One thing I wish to know but prob never will does he hurt miss and feel cut off too. prob not when hes off on the beach last thing on his mind prob just when board at work the reg day. Just wish I know he is hurting like me selfish yes prob.

 

So going to do my best no contact booked my own trip on the beach with my H in a couple weeks as well both our trips booked before Dday. That will put a month NC when I return. couples councilor giving us "homework" for there great another thing to think about. I dont know if he will contact me or what I will do if he does but I will run into both him and her at an event eventually and will have to deal with that when it comes I guess.

 

Sorry for long post but telling my story after so long silent just came out.

 

Hope he misses me sad but true need that little bit I wasn't just trash wasted 4.5 years nothing more to him for some reason to have closer. I dont usually need validation like that either both MM and H are enough work making feel validated to be honest. Just tired and sad, tossed asside now.

 

Thanks for reading

[anika99]

How was the MM supposed to make you a priority when you are also married? You didn't say anywhere in your post that you were planning to divorce so what were your expectations of the MM regarding making you a priority? This confuses me.

[Lady2163]

Yes, you probably were being groomed by him.

 

You probably need some IC as well as MC. If you really plan to devote yourself to your husband, you need to decide whether or not to tell him. A counselor can help you see your options.

 

I'm very rarely in favor of telling the BS.

 

Your emotions and thought process will be all over the map. I think you might be on the right track.

 

As Annika said, you were married as well. What did you expect? It sounds like you were friends with benefits. That pretty much means no strings attached. Having sex does not automatically mean a connection that is anything more than superficial. There may be some sweet talk, but that is mainly to keep you circling.

[escapefantasy]

We were more emotional then sexual. Sexual was not often. we talked everyday multi times a day. we listened to each other laughed fought teased even fantasy sexual and non sexual dreaming together, had our little teasers jokes to each other lots of stuff. Yes we love each other but never said it was like if either of us did would be admitting we wanted more. both said cant leave marriages for the kids but he did often say when we can be free its such a nice thought all the time. we were comfortable with how things were in the now I guess. Now hes gone poof one day there next my best friend lover gone. I miss him so much NC has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I have had some big challenges I over come strong take on full out but this has got to be the worst feeling any one can have.

 

I told him im not a priority and never will be because I wanted him to make the right choice his family. But those words hurt so much to say I even choked on them when I did.

 

I just want to know if he is feeling the same or can a MM just up and forget walk away good ride while it lasted on to the next new friend. Thats what I feel like he did

[winterkeep]

He's been given an out with her finding out and didn't take it, that tells you everything you need to know.

 

You're obviously very invested emotionally, he isn't but he won't let you go either - keep reading here as it's a very common mindset and has the danger of keeping you stuck for years in a go nowhere situation.

 

Your initial post and username suggest that you're very quick to categorise yourself as an option, this needs to be your focus. Walk away from MM, he's only reinforcing your low self value (which can be addictive in itself). If things are that bad w your husband you do not have to stay with him but an affair will not give you the direction you need either. Find a good IC with whom you connect and find YOUR direction, you deserve to be happy.

[NTV]

If you don't want to feel like trash after 4.5 years with this guy

.... what is that make your husband?

[freengreen]

4.5 yrs is enough time already?

[BTDT2012]

Stop wasting your husband's time in counseling. Get IC for yourself.

 

No, you are not a priority for your MM. He's showed you that pretty clearly by his actions.

[FoundMyStrength]

You're obviously very invested emotionally, he isn't but he won't let you go either - keep reading here as it's a very common mindset and has the danger of keeping you stuck for years in a go nowhere situation.

 

Yes, this. Please seek out IC and try to develop the inner resources to stay NC from this man. They really will never let you go -- you have to be the one to call it off. The way I've come to think of it is that most MM see the OW as some combo of indulgence and distraction (even if they love you to bits). An OW adds that special something to their boring, humdrum, day-to-day lives. And now that your MM has found someone who will do that at his beck and call, he sure as hell isn't giving you up. Like most MM, he is selfish. And, if he's like my xMM, he is incapable of cutting it off simply because he knows you are in pain. My xMM told me point blank he would stay away if I said I was hurting, and he simply couldn't.

 

So that puts it all on us OW's. We have to be the strong ones. We have to decide that we're worth more than crumbs and go NC.

[sandylee1]

I'm a bit confused. Are you having an affair with the husband of the woman who you was backstabbing people?

 

Your husband's reaction to the kiss isn't what I'd expect from most husbands. Is he not bothered about you with other men?

 

His reaction is that of man who is scared of losing his wife and family. I'm not sure what you really expect from him at the moment.

 

Even if there was no dday, do you want this affair to last forever?

 

And I have to ask why you bother with it if all you do is "pump him up" with nothing in return.

[escapefantasy]

Cant find my first thread but run down is-

 

Both married, A was 4.5 years to D Day scare (his W found one text just blocked my number on his phone they had a fight so he says? not sure). D day was 17 days ago last contact was 14 days ago. I hurt miss him so much more the everyday talking not the sex as that was not often. My emotions are all over the place. Trying to fix things with my H but thats been an on going thing for 10 years.

 

MM last told me lay low then, he has to try with W, then he doesnt know what future holds he couldnt stay away any other time from me but he has to try. All that in a 20 min convo left me really confused. I didnt beg or cry or fight on that last call just numb saying its over him saying we dont know that he might find me again he doesnt know. Im trying my best no contact knowing my number is blocked on his phone helps no sense trying knowing he wont get, face book I limit hes always on I know he uses to track when I was on line and not when we couldnt chat by little things he would say. Hes constantly on for a min then off all day and night now. Blocked any posts on my Facebook to be approved by me before posting. Im trying to vanish from him all together. Hes out of the country on vacation this week and still been on facebook a few times wth checking my page? Or am I just being nuts with my mind wondering?

 

That said Im a mess all I can think about is him min to min day after day night wake up crying or in sweats. I feel like a zombie all day everyday and I was such a smiling happy fun woman up until D day. I miss him so much and know we have to stop. I dont know if or when he will contact me again so scared what I will do if he does. Thats how he left it and told him thats not fare to me. So mad him leaving me hanging like that. He wants to go then let me go already. I just want to forget him move on but I cant. Does he hurt NC?????? Is it painful for him not to text or call? Was I really just that easy to throw away? Does he even realize Im doing my best NC to him? Does he care or think wow that was easy shes staying quit so I can lovebomb my W and play with her? I swear hes a narcisissts but dont we all think that of our xxAP?

 

Worst feeling ever to love someone who never prob loved you at all. I feel like something in me was stolen and I will never get it back.

Sad hard days please end soon Feel like a sitting duck on opening day of the hunt, When will my hunter show up or not at all ever again.

[Midwestmissy]

Why are you still married? You seem more concerned with mm's marriage than your own. Show your husband this post and see what he thinks.

 

I agree that it sounds like you got played. Too bad those 4.5 years weren't spent on your marriage. You'd be in a much better spot right now. Good luck.

[freengreen]

Affair is the most draining relationship ever and most of the time you are left with bruises at the end( was in a draining EA). Why go into one of these when there are lots of other relations where you can truly be happy.

 

Snap out. It isnt worth.

[malvern99]

Worst feeling ever to love someone who never prob loved you at all. I feel like something in me was stolen and I will never get it back.

Sad hard days please end soon Feel like a sitting duck on opening day of the hunt, When will my hunter show up or not at all ever again.

 

I chuckled a little when I read that. Surely I can't be the only person to see the irony in that statement. OP's betrayed spouse could probably say the exact same thing if only he were fortunate enough to know the truth about his life.

[What_Did_I_Do]

He wants to go then let me go already.

 

Sorry OP, he did let you go. You have no choice but to do the same. He's trying to make his marriage work and that means no contact with you. His 20 minute convo to you was an attempt to let you down gently so you don't further blow up his world.

[Bittersweetie]

Escape,

 

I was a wayward wife. So I've been there. I'm still married, my H and I had a d-day and reconciled.

 

I have to say, you are way too focused on MM and his marriage. I know it hurts. But after 4.5 years of an A, and you talking all about your MM and almost nothing about your H, you need to put your big girl pants on and look at WHY you've had an affair and HOW to move forward from that.

 

My A wasn't as long as yours, but it was crystal clear to me later that my xMM couldn't have cared two farts about me. I projected everything onto him and rewrote history to make my H more of a bad guy. Everything to justify my actions and choices.

 

Take a deep breath and look at YOU. Why did you do this? What did you tell yourself that make it okay to be with someone not your husband? What action can you do today to start working toward being a person who lives authentically and with integrity? Exercise. Schedule a counseling appointment. Journal. Think about if you want to be married. Etc.

 

Because the A and all this that you're going through now is about YOU. Not xMM. I know you had feelings for him and were hurt. I get that; I was hurt too. But now that it is over, you have the chance to make healthy choices for yourself. Please read my signature below.

 

Good luck.

[BTDT2012]

Worst feeling ever to love someone who never prob loved you at all. I feel like something in me was stolen and I will never get it back.

Sad hard days please end soon Feel like a sitting duck on opening day of the hunt, When will my hunter show up or not at all ever again.

First, you must accept that nothing was stolen, you gave it away willingly.

Second, the duck ends up dead. You are married, why in the world would you think your MM would up and leave his marriage for another man's wife? You have already shown him that you aren't trustworthy, not that he is any paragon of virtue. Fix your marriage or end it. And pray that His BS doesn't decide to inform your betrayed husband.

[escapefantasy]

D Day was just over 3 weeks ago, NC has been exactly 3 weeks today. was in A with MM for over 4 years.

 

Before D day I enrolled my self in personal counseling been very confused with my self and knew this. My H and our M has been on a downward trail for many years even before the A. He is a very angry man fights depression and anger that gets worse as he ages. Our children are at an age now its affecting their views of the world. For many years I have tried to be his crutch. Help him doctors, medications, natural paths, begged for years for him to do personal council and marriage (he always refused to go in my past asking of this) . He is a hard working man for his family provides well we dont need for anything. But emotionally I wonder if he even feels at all always has been like that but I thought I could bring that out of him when we married I was 20 and thought in love didnt know in love and loving someone was two diff things then.

 

I got tired exhausted and life builds up aging parents on my side kids growing and social lives school, I Work in high demand job in and out of the office, and a H who I felt I needed and still need to be 4 steps ahead of to avoid verbal lashes, anger or watch him recluse for days. I was tired and lonely.

 

Thats when MM came into my life yes a fantasy yes someone who wanted to just see how my day was yes an escape I see that now. But none the less I fell in love with and felt like I had a best friend we cared for each other and showed it in little ways did you get home safe? Did you eat before that meeting so you dont feel sick? Have a hot shower to relax your sore back. That kind of caring. We knew we could never be together I was trying to hold my family together. Him the same I believe he loves his wife more then me yes and we never once said I love you to each other. It was a full out A but the sex was not often for those that will ask. He was my escape as I was his this I fully understand.

 

So D Day I will call it, his W caught suspension blocked my number only way we communicated was on text nothing else. He called me as soon as he could inform me why sudden silence we said our goodbyes him saying lay low dont know what future holds me saying has to end.

 

3 weeks later NC at all by me or him. I want to try to fix my marriage assume he does too not sure NC.

 

NC is giving me serious withdrawl I just want to chat with him like we did for 4 years almost everyday. This has to be the end even if he contacts me I hope to have the strength to not respond I have had panic attackes worrying if and when we run into each other what to do or what will happen that moment. I have never felt a panic attack before the last 3 weeks.

 

I have since then been going to my personal counsel, have informed my H we are going to marriage counsel have gone twice so far since he agreed. Bought and reading a book on how to let go after a break up and live happy after, exercise everyday, with my children all I can always was actually, and trying to find new music and things that interest me.

 

My H wont even try what the councilor suggest 2 day after hes right back to his anger and sharp words etc, I want to give it time for him you cant change old habbits over night as I well know miss my everyday chats with MM. Im trying turn my life for the better for myself and my children.

 

My question is no matter how hard I try my MM is there in my heart and mind 24 hours no matter how hard I try to clear him out of both hes there. I miss him very much but If I want to give my marriage a true shot I have to get over this grief I feel of losing MM. Im obsessed with question wondering how he feels, with anger then un controlling crying, I distract myself to no avail, thoughts is he missing me then doesnt matter now have to move on then back to does he feel like me right now?

 

I just need to know how long before you move on? I cry saying stop hurting over and over and over. Im trying to focus on my H and our M but he takes so much energy to motivate as well my daughter is starting to lash back at him shes a young teen. Adds to the stress in the house.

 

Please I need help to forget my MM move on and get my "house/home in order" whatever that will be. I need some advice on how to leave MM behind out of my mind and not hurt my heart so much, and start the next chapter. Maybe with a healthy happy H if we can work towards that I hope so. Or single mom by my self happy to watch a movie on a fri night in my own home. What ever that chapter is I just need to let this pain go some how to truly focus.

[d0nnivain]

Make some lists. Write down the pros & cons of each man. Make sure your list about your husband is weightier than the list about the MM. After you create it, don't leave it lying around. Your husband may not understand. He doesn't want to know that MM had any good points.

 

 

Do make a point every day to tell your husband how much you love & appreciate him. Do something nice for him every day.

[eye of the storm]

Escape, You have to be realistic. You had a 4 year habit that helped you ignore and deal with the stress you have at home. You are not going to just wake up and be over it ending. Time. Let time work.

 

You have 2 issues. You miss your pressure relief valve (your A) and you are dealing with a spouse that demands you both try to fix him and refuses to be fixed.

 

I think if you focus on your spouse and deal with the mess at home, you won't need your MM as much. Sit your spouse down and say you are at the end. If he doesn't get on board and stay on board with creating a better marriage, then you and he need to separate.

 

This is not all your husband's fault. You helped create the dynamic in your house. I was told by my therapist, if in the beginning I had put my foot down and demanded to be treated better I would have paved the way for a respectful marriage or I would have been divorced much sooner. Either way, I would not have had to repair the decades of damage I am still working on. I helped create the negative energy in my home by allowing, excusing, and ignoring his behavior. It hurt me, it hurt my kids. It even hurt my xH by allowing him to believe his behavior was acceptable.

 

Good luck.

[aileD]

The above poster said an important word: HABIT

 

You had a habit of texting with him, checking your phone..whatever.....a routine.

 

now it's gone. And not having that habit and routine is making you all out of sorts...it's not so much about HIM.

 

You need to make new habits. Start texting your H instead. Or a friend..or go to the gym when you'd normally meet up.

 

it takes 21 days to form a habit. Make new habits and a month later it will be easier.

[BluesPower]

It was an affair and an escape Like everyone says.

 

It hurts when a love affair is over, I have had several women that I had to let go and I still think about them.

 

The things you have to remember is: 1) No matter how strong your feeling were in the affair, it was an affair. It is easy for a man to be caring and seem like he is the best thing since sliced bread. Because you two are not picking up the kids toys and running to an fro and all the things you do in a marriage, because it is an affair.

 

2) Unfortunately, the only way for you to get over him is NC. Stay in therapy work on yourself. Work on your marriage.

 

3) Your MM probably has strong feelings for you, I am not saying that he is in love but he has feelings. If you both loved each other enough, you would be together and working out your divorces so you could be together. As you know, that is not about to happen for a lot of reasons, mainly because it was an affair.

 

Stay no contact. I won't lie to you, it will hurt for a while.

 

Now, what about your husband and your marriage. How do you feel about your husband, do you love him. Do you want to be with him? I know he has hurt you and you have hurt him, so what do you want to do.

 

Does your H know about the affair, I am guessing by your post that he does not. The OM's wife, may tell him in the future, and you need to be prepared for that.

 

You and your husband have a great deal of resentment built up against each other. Both of you will have to work on this.

 

Your H has anger issues, and I guarantee that he feels unappreciated by you. He feels like all he does is work and nothing he ever does is good enough. Just like most husbands.

 

He needs to be in IC for himself. He probably needs to be on meds for the anger and the depression.

 

You cannot fix your H. Not in a million years. You can set your boundaries and not engage with him but you cannot fix him.

 

What you can do, as someone said, it talk to him. I mean really talk with him. Explain to him IN CONCRETE EXAMPLES how his anger makes you feel. How you feel in general. But you can't use a bunch of "Girl Words" and have is just be about all of your feelings. He will not understand it, MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND EMOTIONAL TALK, they understand clear, logical arguments.

 

Now for the hard part, if your husband does not know, sooner or later he will find out. What are you going to do in that situation?

 

Gook luck and keep posting...

[escapefantasy]

 

Now, what about your husband and your marriage. How do you feel about your husband, do you love him. Do you want to be with him? I know he has hurt you and you have hurt him, so what do you want to do.

 

I will try to answer all your questions sorry if I get off topic

 

UPDATE (sorry long post again)

So was gone for a couple weeks did another session of MC with my H. 2 days after session we were enjoying making dinner as a family H and I doing our "home work" from counselling he suddenly turned angry. I didnt see it coming I let my guard down kids heard his tone left room we fought loud and hard I didnt want to take it anymore. After we calmed I went to my room to change then heard him speak very degrading to our daughter. I instantly ran to the kitchen and demanded he leave and with one big step backwards to clear the way out the door to the exit. He told me I leave I wont be back I said you treat us like that your right you wont be back. After our children begging him not to leave he tried to turn it on me your mother tells me to go I will its her choice. I didnt want that as there memory later when dealing with a divorce. Have been reading about children and divorce a lot and ways a spouse can set the tone of your single home before they even leave the home. So I said if you leave its on your own choice. He promised the kids he was staying until counselling and our couples trip is done at least to try to fix our family. How nice of him after the last hour of the house in complete kaos, I went with it. After He was on best behavior leading up to our trip as usual. I have only ever told him to leave twice before but not with such strong demand. Then we Took off on a week vacation off the grid no phone social media no internet at all no children. It was like going on vac with a friend with benefits to be honest how bad is that? Only a couple arguments but the trip I planned for us (he didnt care where or put any effort into picking or planning) was relaxing with daily things to do as we wanted during the days and evening. He slept most of the time if we were just relaxing some times sex not always. This gave me lots of free honestly unwanted but free time to think. I was trying to keep my mind off exMM so did my best to make my thoughts about what I want. I feel numb love my husband but not in love with him I dont know if I ever was, We were young horny fun and thought I knew best at 20 like most of us were at that age. I had thoughts that we could separate and over time become good friends I know we would be as he had said the same. Trip was good but no responsibility no kids no time frame or schedule any one can get a along in that. I laughed to my self a few times it was like the escape of my affair we fantasized about just not with the intense passion and sex, And still H was sleeping in the room not a care. Even when I tried to wake him even went to dinner by my self twice.

 

Get home and bam anxiety back.

 

My thoughts are obsessive between my H and MM. Friends in same social group as MM want to plan a party, want me to help first text when my phone turns on. Asked me to do the invites I said no dont have time to help plan sorry but now anxiety party for best friend and MM will be there. NC 5 weeks now was hoping into spring before this came up. Give me more time to distance. Put me right back into the withdrawal same as those first few days. Im trying so hard not to think of him, not to see him, strict NC. I miss him so much no closure I know will never get that, feel abandon, forgotten, used for his best interest but then when not needed or I got in the way of his easy street ride tossed. I know most of you will say what you expect and yes 2 to tango my own fault I crossed the line as much as MM. But we did now I have to deal with this loss/hurt/grief inside me no matter what anyone says silently. I feel it hate it but its my feelings.

 

I want so bad for my H to love me and not be so angry but I have started to take the steps to make sure if he leaves I can be ready financially, council for the children and how to help them cope, and secretly put out word I might be interested new employment different companys in my area to see the pay raise and hours for kids.

 

Its a lot to take in.

Only been 5 weeks since my life has been turned up side down. or forced me to face my fears more appropriate to say probably

I plan on finishing the 12 week MC classes I want to be able to say I tried dont know maybe it will turn my M around?

I want the A fog to lift

I want to stop missing and obsessing over exMM

I want my marriage to be better like some people say happens after an A (is that really true?)

I feel guilty will till the day I die for what I did to my H and he might never know this or about A, But I also get so mad and hurt for the way he treats us his family. Over many years.

 

I want 2017 over already

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I just need to vent and here seems to be where I go to do that.

[anika99]

I think marriages become better after an affair only when the affair is discovered and then the shock and pain of that discovery force both the betrayed and the wandering spouse to face the problems in their marriage for real, to be authentic and radically honest with each other and to do the work it takes to repair a broken marriage.

 

Even if your husband changes and becomes a model spouse I don't think you will have a truly happy marriage as long as you can't be honest with him. You can't experience true intimacy with someone while continuing to have secrets and dishonesty.

[somanymistakes]

Sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

Sometimes an affair can be a wake-up call that helps a marriage, when the real problem in the marriage has just been a slow drift-apart of people taking each other for granted and not recognising each other's needs. However, if your description is accurate, your husband has his own problems that really need dealing with. The affair (or him finding out about it, if he ever does) is not likely to make HIM change and suddenly be a better husband. It might, at best, make YOU change. If the end of the affair makes you realise that you absolutely cannot go on like you were and that you need to focus all of your attention on your marriage, make or break, it could change your life.

 

That doesn't mean it will actually fix your marriage. It will take both of you being willing to work hard, make yourselves vulnerable, and reach out to each other on a deeper level than you have fallen into over the years. You'll have to be able to face the risk of truly breaking up and being alone.

 

And unfortunately it's probably hard for you to judge the true depth of your feelings for your H right now because you're still reeling from the affair breakup, which can cloud your mind as far as whether you ever 'really loved' someone.

 

Don't give up yet, but DO take care of yourself.