Tossed to the trash bin again [UPDATE: How long for the obsessive thoughts to end?]

[escapefantasy]

Still strong on the NC with ExMM was out for lunch with a girlfriend saw him drive by the restaurant. Felt like I went into panic mood incognito. Then a few mins later saw him again drive by really slow looking in. I excused my self to the washroom gathered my self deep breaths and went on about the lunch social best I could. Wow that night and the next day was like day one NC again and I was doing so good. I then picked my self up after a day of pitying my self did self talk He is not good for me, He chose his wife with good right, and I am worth more then breadcrumbs. I keep telling my self when I fall in the pit of putting him on a pedestal in my head thinking Im loosing something I remember how he put his fun, partying. Transgressions of people disrespecting his wife child and him self aside to continue his night life basically with these same toxic people who disrespected. How He makes sure the attention is on him and as soon as someone calls him on any drama or wrong doing in his part he completely discards them no care at all. No taking responsibility for his wrong doing to others its always someone elses fault. Have seen this now with friends, family, me, work, and even strangers who dont regard him as someone they need to know he will put them down and remark how they are unimportant. He wont even know them. I now hear how other people view him as a person cause im sitting back listing to the drama I didnt even know about because of the rose coloured glasses I had on. Im really in shock to be honest how can someone be so cold to people? Im starting to learn I dont need that to make my life the best. I miss him yes I miss who I was believing he was but everyday I tell my self that is not who he was, At all times all he was is someone who needed the constant ego boost until he could get to a party, trip, drinking, the next escape from real life. Then back to me to fill the empty ego on reg boring days until the next weekend of the same. His W is the same they always have to be surrounded by others they never want to be alone just them never. I dont want a life like that, I did! wanted nothing more then all the excitement he described he has. But now I see it just wasnt true his life is running away and is nothing! boring! until the next fix comes. My life even with the issues between my H and me we could always be alone together and have fun just the 2 of us might of just felt like friends enjoying each others company when we do but I much rather have that then what ExMM lives.

Just needed to vent here so I dont break contact wanting to tell him all this because I so want too. But really he would prob just get satisfaction from the attention even if negative attention.

Im focusing on my M and family life fig out whats best for us. My H is being the complete opposite of anything I have ever known him to be. No anger no name calling no fighting just talking lots and lots of talking. We have agreed to separation and working through that. We are acting more adult more like friends with the children the main concern for both of us. Both want to show the children and teach them hate is not whats between us and they plus each of us must respect the others choices. I feel like we have relief the tention in the home is not a secret we must hide from the world role play the perfect family is no more. My H agreed on this feeling in MC. He is lost and sad It was me who said I wanted to separate he said he was hoping the issues between us would just go away and I would live as we were. I said I cant so now where fig it out from here.

 

So Im taking it day by day

I was upset exMM leaving suddenly

But hurt sad and guilt more my M wasn't a life time that's the true grieving.

I think I just avoided the truth for 5 years with the A.

Time to face the truth.

[escapefantasy]

I ended my M years of emotional abuse belittling, name calling, anger, hate. I finally put an end to it. I have been in NC with ExMM (4.5 year A) going on 8 weeks no D day just his W question him. He was gone after that.

 

I know exmm gone not contacting me is best I know ending my M is best but why after 8 weeks am I now crying uncontrollably full of anxiety, and feel like I physically hurt. I miss exmm so much. Im so sad my M is over even tho its what I want. I feel guilty I miss exmm more then my soon to be exH. I feel used by both and easily forgotten. Im mad at my self for loving 2 men dont judge me please who dont love me. I went to my Dr he gave me anxiety meds but said will be at least 2 weeks for the effect. Im so upset about this Iv always been a strong vibrant happy person. Im in IC for weeks now not helping. I want that vibrant smiling person back so bad.

 

Did any of you feel this going on the 2 month mark NC? Did anyone here go through losing both M and A at the same time? How did you over come this hurt and pain? Its so hard to even function right now.

[escapefantasy]

I ended my M years of emotional abuse belittling, name calling, anger, hate. I finally put an end to it. I have been in NC with ExMM (4.5 year A) going on 8 weeks no D day just his W question him. He was gone after that.

 

I know exmm gone not contacting me is best I know ending my M is best but why after 8 weeks am I now crying uncontrollably full of anxiety, and feel like I physically hurt. I miss exmm so much. Im so sad my M is over even tho its what I want. I feel guilty I miss exmm more then my soon to be exH. I feel used by both and easily forgotten. Im mad at my self for loving 2 men dont judge me please who dont love me. I went to my Dr he gave me anxiety meds but said will be at least 2 weeks for the effect. Im in IC for weeks now not helping.

 

Did any of you feel this going on the 2 month mark NC? Did anyone here go through losing both M and A at the same time? How did you over come this hurt and pain? Its so hard to even function right now.

[honestyisalwaysbest]

It's sad and you will suffer. It will hurt for a long time. you will have these two in your memories but not your real life, and the more you remember them, the more you will see the emptiness in your life.. The only thing I can suggest is to continue NC and move as far as you can without them.. Time is the only answer. A lot of time. It isn't happening over night! Yea, they didn't love you. The M probably didn't love his wife either but at the end of the day, he can and will love someone. It isn't you.. They did you a favor when they just left you

[BluesPower]

It just takes time...

 

And you have to realize that you just ended two long term relationships at about the same time. It is a lot to go through.

 

Just breath, take it one day at a time. Look for progress not perfection...

[Taxed]

I feel your pain, not that I have been in an abusive marriage, but I reckognize the despairing feeling of being let down and belittled by exMM. I could not stop crying for months since the breakup which has been a big problem for me.

 

When I got into IC, just had my first therapy session last week, the therapist tought me how to feel my feelings and not just talk about how I think I feel. I felt it in my body. I found out that the tears are a cover-up for anger. I was never really tought that it is ok to feel angry, so apparently, I cry. The therapist calls it "crying over anger". The realisation actually made me stop crying which is a big relief. Maybe you are very angry and rigthfully so, it seems.

[BluesPower]

I feel your pain, not that I have been in an abusive marriage, but I reckognize the despairing feeling of being let down and belittled by exMM. I could not stop crying for months since the breakup which has been a big problem for me.

 

When I got into IC, just had my first therapy session last week, the therapist tought me how to feel my feelings and not just talk about how I think I feel. I felt it in my body. I found out that the tears are a cover-up for anger. I was never really tought that it is ok to feel angry, so apparently, I cry. The therapist calls it "crying over anger". The realisation actually made me stop crying which is a big relief. Maybe you are very angry and rigthfully so, it seems.

 

Yeah, all that emotion stuff... Just sucks.

 

I had a woman therapist and she was really tricky when she got me to feel my feelings. I just hated it. Hated it a lot. As a guy it was just completely uncomfortable in every way. Yuck...

[ice3784]

i havent lose anyone but i can feel i might lose them both. My MM turning his back on me and started to reconcile with his separated wife while being with me. We are still together but relationship went plain, we are just 2 stranger staying in a similar house.

We fight most of the time, probably becos i want him and he wants her, and my anger that he lie and betray me for his own benefits. my Husband in the other hand has done waiting for me to return and he has not be in contact with me for more than a month. Life sucks, i wish MM can just die so that i can let him go and the wife cant get him. She text me and brag to me how MM goes back to her. i in the other hand cant do anything..

[bubbaganoosh]

I hit rock bottom when my first wife and I divorced. Not out of sorrow because she wasn't worth my tears but because she was so evil.

 

She made my life a living hell when she finally left and one night I got so bad that I remembered I had a 22 rifle in the closet and I kept thinking that with one well placed shot I can get peace of mind.

 

Then I thought about it and realized that I'm the one letting her get to me and be damned if I'm going to end my life. I grabbed the rifle, wen down stairs, stuck the barrel in a vice and bent it, then broke the stalk. I'm still here

[escapefantasy]

Exmm contacted a mutual friend who is one of my best friends for a favour. Not unusual for this but he then "wrong text" her his plans for an outing. He never wrong text people always was very careful not to do this. I'm so upset having a hard time moving on been 2 months complete no contact. I'm a mess still so hurt and crying so much and he acts like I was nothing just an object that could be forgotten. It just hurts all over the heartbreak is one sided meanig just me. I feel like he walked away no concern no emotions nothing. Having a bad emotional night again.

[FoundMyStrength]

Exmm contacted a mutual friend who is one of my best friends for a favour. Not unusual for this but he then "wrong text" her his plans for an outing. He never wrong text people always was very careful not to do this. I'm so upset having a hard time moving on been 2 months complete no contact. I'm a mess still so hurt and crying so much and he acts like I was nothing just an object that could be forgotten. It just hurts all over the heartbreak is one sided meanig just me. I feel like he walked away no concern no emotions nothing. Having a bad emotional night again.

 

This sounds like a smoke signal. It's just too convenient that he'd happen to wrong text your close friend and it would happen to give her info on where and when he'd be somewhere.

 

Sorry that he's messing with your head again. xMM have such a sense of entitlement. That they can just step back into our lives when they want to, after leaving us behind like so much trash in the street.

 

Take care of yourself tonight. Do something relaxing or special just for you. Or reach out to friends or family, try to connect with the people in your life who do care about you.

[whichwayisup]

You have to tell the mutual friend NOT to tell you anything about exMM.

[escapefantasy]

Thank you both. We use to run in the same social circle he and his w burnt a lot of this group with drama and have been out of contact with most of them for over a year. I social with these people have for most of my life very good friends. Now he's back trying to mend broken ties with people all around me. Just leave me alone. I feel like he needs to be validated by who ever he can. I always had to tell him what I liked about him how he made me feel etc. I see now the control he had of me. I just wish he would leave anything in my life alone. This is ripping me apart feel like I'm going nuts.

[GeekLover]

Wow! You won't believe this, but I am going through a similar situation. I thought it was impossible to find someone else who ended two long term significant relationships at the same time.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. If you want to chat, PM me.

[Ahurtgirl]

You are very much not alone with what you are going through. Love is such a very complicated part of life. Best thing to do is to let go of anyone in your life who you can no longer trust. Someone who doesn't pursue you anymore isn't worth the stress and hurt you feel. There is so much truth to the saying: once a cheater, always a cheater... let his wife have her cheater back. You deserve so much better. (He may have many characteristics that you loved about him but he is a cheater. That is a huge character flaw. If he wasn't pursuing his wife, in time, he would pursue yet another other women. He is manipulating her with his love and you are lucky enough to finally see him for the man he is... a cheater. Have no doubt he will cheat on her again.) There are better men out in the world. Just give yourself time to heal and learn from this experience. Never involve yourself with a married man again. I have been there and the drama from the experience lingers even though MM and I are no longer involved or in contact. Too many people end up hurt and the repair to family members, friendships, and reputation may take a life time and some relationships both business and personal may be permanently disolved.

Trust in your heart that once you cut contact 100% and once all the drama fades, if you make healthy and honorable decisions for yourself, good will come to you.

[escapefantasy]

First thank you to all who have been there offering your say I very much appreciate the comments and info you all give. This is the only place I find I can honest and let out the built up emotions.

 

I feel like I am in a boxing match and being knocked down repeatedly. The Last 10 weeks has been for me,

 

A family member suicide due to depression.

A sudden death of another close family member not expected at all.

Another death of a terminal ill close family member

(all within weeks of each other)

 

My in home separation last 6 weeks from my H. My asking for this cant take the anger and verbal abuse thats been in the M for many years. Among other things thats been ignored in our M for many years.

 

H was going to MC with me he now refuses says they just want his money.

 

Hate my job have for about a year but was tolerable no room for promotion and my boss is very self absorbed. Feel very used while he takes the credit for my year of targets met and beyond. Was a huge task that he didnt help with at all yet he claimed the credit for it all.

 

Looking hard and active for a new position in a different company but takes time.

 

Been 9 weeks NC from 4.5 year A (no D day exmm W had suspicion he disappeared after he called me to tell me their fight) He has not contacted me since and I have not him.

 

The A was a bandaid for me to stay in my M and made it tolerable very wrong I know No one has to tell me that. I should of left the M 6 years ago when I was originally going too but AP made my M seem I could live with it for my children.

 

Had a stress break 2 weeks ago went to my therapist I started with her about 5 months ago. now Im worse then I was then, filled with these feelings of loss, anxiety, sad, and on a rollercoster of emotions. She sent me to my Dr. and put me on Anxiety meds. Never have I ever had to do that I have always been so strong hold everyone up I cant even think right now.

 

Been trying to do self care gym, social events, reading, cooking, house spring cleaning. But nothing takes this sad and hurt away. I dont want to put my funeral clothes on again but have to in a few days yet again. I dont know how I feel about my M just numb grieve that it failed and I allowed my H to treat me the way he has. Want so bad to feel the enjoyment from my career that I had before this boss came. And in all that I want nothing more to talk and have my exmm back in my life but know this is not an option one were in complete NC even removed my self from social media and two I deserve more then being the other choice, and three the A was wrong from the start.

 

That said I cant stop the feeling of loving him, missing him the sad feeling I was left as nothing in the end. Even tho I always knew deep down this would be how it would end when it came time. I hate loving him who never loved me. I feel like a fool for allowing my self to be that vulnerable and addicted to breadcrumbs being attached to my phone waiting to hear from him and being made feel like im not worth of much by exmm and my H. That is my fault for allowing all that I know just how I feel.

 

I feel guilty I dont have the feeling of missing my H the same way I do my exmm but my IC says I mourned the loss of my H before the A even started. That is true was depressed over wight then I took a hold of me lost the wight and found the job I loved back then. Then my exmm came along I dont even know when it crossed from family friend to EA to AP just was a rollercoast the whole time.

 

So Now I feel broken and just exhausted no want to accomplish anything.

When will this its get better happen? feel your feelings well I dont want to feel the anger sad hate missing broken heart for so much any more.

 

I need me back I just cant seem to get there with news of another blow of sad that just keeps coming.

 

Thank you for letting me just put it out there and tell my last few weeks

[HappyAgain2014]

I was in this situation. Years later, I'm glad both relationships ended.

Letting go of toxic people makes room for healthy ones. It's the only way.

[BluesPower]

Had a stress break 2 weeks ago went to my therapist I started with her about 5 months ago. now Im worse then I was then, filled with these feelings of loss, anxiety, sad, and on a rollercoster of emotions. She sent me to my Dr. and put me on Anxiety meds. Never have I ever had to do that I have always been so strong hold everyone up I cant even think right now.

 

Let me tell you something about being strong and holding everyone up. IT DOES NOT WORK. I thought I could do it. I did it for about 23 years. Took care of wife (Drug addict), raised 3 kids alone (wife drug addict), Sole bread winner, and on and on.

 

You know what happened??? I had a stroke that is what happened.

 

Girlfriend, it is not worth it.

 

Keep moving forward. If your husband will not get into therapy of some type for his anger, divorce him.

 

I am now about to finish my divorce, and I have to say I have never been happier...

 

Keep it together and stay strong...

Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[escapefantasy]

Thank you I'm doing my best to stay positive. Going to an event this weekend that ex mm and his w might be at. I'm having anxiety about it but I know I will have more supportive people around me then they both will. That's what happens when you burn people with lies and deceive them like they both have. Why I get so mad at my self that I miss him so much his path of character is not a good one with other people. I'm learning and keep telling my self the man I knew him as is not the man other people know him. Did I know the fake guy or the real guy? That's what I'm playing with in my mind now. Again venting on a late night but I am enjoying the night distracting my self doing things I like on my own at home.

[escapefantasy]

Im doing everything I can to move on. Looking for a new job to start fresh more pay more hours. Put my gym routine back in order, turned the music back on just letting the trigger songs be there but I love music too much to lose that outlet, and keeping busy as best I can. Been on anxiety meds for a month now dont know if helping but at least not crying all the time just a few times during the day now and not as long. Have in home separated from my 18y M, emotional abusive H, this is hard but I have stood up and did what I was afraid of for so many years. Been total NC from Exmm for 10 weeks even took my self off all social media for now. I completely vanished from him everywhere. Only time he has seen me is driving out in our town in passing and this is only a couple of times.

 

My question is How long for the obsessive thoughts to stop about him? I cant stop the loop in my head. From anger to missing to love to pure hate. I see my H everyday still as he lives in our home still separate sleeping areas. I loop from all these emotions with my H then switch to Exmm then back again over and over. I just want to move on and build my life authentic and happy with just me and my children. Im in no way looking for love from a man not right now I need to get the 2 out of my head that are there focus on me make that loop of thoughts about me and my children.

 

How long before any of you came to that point of self content? Moved on from the heartache?

[Midlifecrisis1]

In my limited experience...the obsessive thoughts were all consuming for the first 3 months after we ended. i went into a deep depression and was in therapy 2x per week and finally after 3 months went on antidepressants. the crying stopped, but the thoughts remained. as time went on, the thoughts became less and less emotionally driven. they were more like a habit. i'm 9 months out from a brief but intense 4 month affair (we saw eachother somehow almost every day). I still think of him every day, sometimes with those annoying romantic notion thoughts. but those are fewer and fewer. things with my husband are better than they were (he does not know). But i long for the day that I go to sleep at night and realize that I didn't think of xMM at all that day. It may never happen.

[Patrice]

If you start to feel it, get out with other people. It's when it gets lonely that you rewrite the history of what happened. Mine still tries to get back after 3 plus years. I think he wants either an ego boost, or is too cowardly to deal with his own unhappiness. I realize that he is a flawed person, not the one I expected when the whole thing began. I got divorced 7 years ago, it drives him nuts to know that I can do what I want to do now. That's why I think he keeps trying to get a foot back in the door. You will come out of this stronger, if you accept that you were vulnerable and made a bad decision. Forgive yourself, love yourself and keep strong and healing

[road]

So still denying your BH the full truth.

Still crying poor me boo hoo.

[FoundMyStrength]

In my limited experience...the obsessive thoughts were all consuming for the first 3 months after we ended. i went into a deep depression and was in therapy 2x per week and finally after 3 months went on antidepressants. the crying stopped, but the thoughts remained. as time went on, the thoughts became less and less emotionally driven. they were more like a habit. i'm 9 months out from a brief but intense 4 month affair (we saw eachother somehow almost every day). I still think of him every day, sometimes with those annoying romantic notion thoughts. but those are fewer and fewer. things with my husband are better than they were (he does not know). But i long for the day that I go to sleep at night and realize that I didn't think of xMM at all that day. It may never happen.

 

Minus the husband, this as been almost the exact path for me as well. 3 months of obsessive thinking, including 2 months of clinical depression. Then another 4 months of thoughts that have become less frequent, less consuming, and less emotionally intense. It's like a bad habit that I can control now. I imagine similar to an ex smoker who gets urges to smoke. I'm also in pretty intense therapy which has helped me put it in perspective, stop hating myself, and put some of the blame on him. I view him neutrally now. I wish I could talk with him, to see he is well, but I wouldn't​ ever put myself in that position again. That keeps me in check, and I don't reach out. I've learned to love myself more than him.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for all your losses, that's a lot to cope and deal with especially with going through separation with your H and doing NC with your exMM.

 

Do counseling. Reach out to your women friends and rely on them to help you through this tough time. Do yoga, meditation, brisk walking, any type of exercise to keep your mind and body active and at peace at the same time (if that makes sense!).