What does a "normal" or healthy reconciliation look like?

[AnneP]

Edited: I hadn't realized how long this is; any advice welcomed (if you're able to make it through this)

 

New here and looking for advice from others who are going/have gone through separation and divorce.

 

History: My husband and I dated for 4.5 years and have been married for 10.5 years, so we have been in each other's lives for 15 years. We have two children (7 and 9) together. We are both in our mid-late 30's.

 

Our relationship started off rocky because of issues with his family, well, mostly his mother. She caused a lot of major problems and my husband's failure to see it and do something about it caused even more. We did go to counseling (my husband chose the counselor) and he was told that he needed to consider the possibility of cutting his mother completely out of his life. We eventually did that.

 

Things got better and we had a wonderful marriage. We hardly argued or bickered, shared the same interests, and enjoyed spending time together.

 

After the birth of my second child, I was having baby blues and stupidly agreed to take an anti-depressant. In hindsight this was the worst decision I could have made as it completely changed who I was.

 

My husband and I were still happy, still spending time together, but our sex life started to fade. I know the anti-depressant was the cause of that as I was still very much in love with him. Without going into too much details, we also learned that our oldest child had a learning disability that was once labeled as autism, but we found out a year later that wasn't the case. The stress that came with that was one of the contributing factors to our growing apart. The fact that my child might never function in a normal and meaningful way consumed me. I was extremely anxious and depressed all the time.

 

We find out that our child has a learning delay, but nothing earth shattering and that everything will be okay. We are doing better as a couple, but because we had not ever spent alone time as a couple (since the kids were born) our marriage was suffering. Part of the reason for not spending time alone was because we moved across country for 18 months and didn't have any friends or family around.

 

We moved back to our home state and rented an apartment while looking for a home. We bought a home 4 years ago. Things were good for a year (not great, but not bad) and then we just grew more and more apart. I was still taking an anti-depressant (SSRI) which was mainly to help with my anxiety. My husband tried to tell me that this medicine was the cause of my "love lost" for him as he had spent the time researching this drug and saw that SSRIs are responsible for killing the love in many marriages. I didn't listen and continued taking it.

 

We decide to separate in 2013 and he got an apartment. In fact, I pretty much asked him to leave so I could sort out my feelings and decide what I wanted. He moved back in less than 4 months later and we decided to try again. I was still taking the anti-depressant. Nothing changed because we didn't go to counseling, didn't spend time alone, and made no attempt to work on our marriage. He did repeatedly say we needed to spend alone time together and I never made the effort. In hindsight, I believe the medicine was helping my anxiety, but it was also causing me to be depressed. I didn't need it for depression so it had the opposite effect on me. I spoke with a psychiatrist about this and he agreed. After speaking with him about what all had occurred with my husband and his mother and the impact it had on our marriage, he also told me that my husband didn't deserve me. At this point my mother-in-law had re-entered the picture but wasn't as bad as she had been in the past.

 

In May of 2015 my husband and I talk, cried, and decided that we both needed to move. We both loved each other but had fallen out of love. It was extremely painful to make the decision to move on. He buys a house in the Fall and lives in the same neighborhood as me. He chose to do this because he is a wonderful dad and wanted to be close to the kids. We also agreed that we would split custody 50/50, and I encouraged him to buy a home that was in the same price range as mine so that our kids would have the same quality of life in both homes. We have both put our kids first through all of this. They see their dad nearly every day and spend 2-4 nights a week in his home. Our kids have transitioned extremely well as we eased them into things. When he first bought his home, he would spend every other night in our home for the first month, then a few nights a week, and eventually he was staying only in his home.

 

I pushed for the divorce and kept asking him what was taking so long. He wanted to use a friend of his to handle it because it would save us money. We were in agreement about everything. I told him that he didn't have to pay me what the law required because again, I wanted our kids to have the same quality of life in both homes.

 

We have been separated now since May of 2015 and still haven't divorced. I got off the medicine about a year ago and for the past 3-4 months, normal emotions have returned. Things I haven't felt in years. It is like I was living in a fog for years and can only now see it.

 

I've been seeing someone (long distance) for about a year. He recently went through a divorce as well. I have been honest with my husband about that relationship. We would only see each other once every 4-6 weeks and only for a few days.

 

With the return of my feelings and feeling like my old self again, I've realized the damage I've done to our marriage and to my husband. I ended it with the man I was seeing. He asked me if I was considering reconciling my marriage and I told him that I absolutely was.

 

My husband picks the kids up Tuesday night and I have their things together and he says goodbye and leaves. He's usually only at my home for 10-15 minutes because he wants to get them home and settled before bed.

 

I send him a message asking him to check his email after the kids are in bed and that he doesn't need to reply, but to just let me know he read it.

 

I sent him a long email apologizing, explaining, and telling him that I have been regretting this for months but was too ashamed, embarrassed, and felt selfish for even asking him for another chance. I told him I didn't expect an answer right away, and wanted him to take time to think about it, but said that I wasn't ready to call it quits without seeking marital counseling. He did say that he needed time to think and I told him I completely understand.

 

He comes to my house last night to pick up the kids and spends 1.5 hours at my home watching TV with me and the kids. They didn't even leave until after it was their bedtime. This has never happened since we separated. I don't know if he was just feeling it out or if it was just coincidence but I didn't want him to leave when he did. I didn't ask him to stay because I feel it's not fair to put that kind of pressure on him.

 

Everyone who knows us has said they don't understand how our marriage fell apart. They never saw it coming. We never fight and through all of this we have remained good friends. We message each other frequently about things that have nothing to do with our kids. Things like: Hey, there is this new show on Netflix that you should check out. You'll be hooked immediately.

 

We didn't fight when we were happily married and we don't fight now. I realize that our relationship isn't the norm when a separation (with a divorce on the way) occurs. I've had friends tell me that our separation is more amicable than most marriages.

 

In my email to him, I did say that I would respect whatever he decided and would not hold it against him. I suggest marriage counseling and date nights. I also said that if we were for reconcile that I felt it shouldn't occur quickly and we should spend time going on dates and getting to know each other again. I also said I knew the fact that I had dated someone would cause issues in our marriage. I dated one person and that was it, but I know that would cause trust issues, insecurity, and pain. To my knowledge, he never dated anyone. I stopped asking him if he was seeing someone over 6 months ago.

 

My sister is the only person I've talked to about my desire to reconcile my marriage and she said she never thought our issues were divorce worthy and couldn't understand why we didn't try harder. I showed her the email I sent my husband. She has a good idea of how our relationship was because she lived with us for the first 5 years of our relationship. She always thought we had a great marriage. And we did, but we grew apart.

 

I've had plans since last week to take my kids to do something fun today and planned to take them after school. My husband works about 30 minutes from where we live and the place I'm taking the kids is about halfway between his office and our homes. He messaged me a little while ago asking what time I had planned to bring them and I said I wasn't sure yet. I had considered taking them around 5:00 so that we don't hit traffic going either way. He then said he was thinking of meeting us there after work depending on timing (he had a tennis match this evening). I don't know what to make of this. Last night he spent more time at my home than usual and today he says he might meet us after work.

 

On one hand, I do not see this as highly unusual as we do sometimes all do things together. We have rode in the same car for our children's soccer practice/games. In the Fall we went to a pumpkin farm together and most recently we went to see "Santa" together for photos. I want to believe that he's making an effort but I just don't know. I also don't want to ask "have you thought about things?" I feel so much guilt for pushing him away and feel like I have no right to pressure him into to anything.

 

I miss my marriage. I miss our time together and I miss us being a family.

 

I guess I'm looking for advice as to what to do next.

 

Is it possible for us to rekindle our love? Will he be able to forgive me? I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work.

Edited January 19, 2017 by AnneP

[Simple Logic]

You ask him to consider it and you would take it slow. He did not respond, so assume he is considering it and taking it slow. Perhaps you should ask him to attend an event together such as a movie or concert without the kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

To me, the scary thing about your post is the lack of effort on both sides throughout your marriage. You use a lot of vague terms - "fallen out of love", "started to fade", "things got rocky" as though the relationship had some life of its own. In reality, the emotional health of your marriage reflects both partner's interest in making in strong.

 

So while I understand your nostalgia and longing for the old days, I don't see what would keep the same bad habits and lazy dynamic from making you both unhappy again.

 

What's the plan?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lovingladyo4]

In answer to your question, yes, I believe it is very possible to rekindle your love. When you consider the fact that love is an action more than a feeling, the action leads to emotional responses, such as you are now feeling. Marriage is like that; it evolves into deeper layers of commitment when you put the other person's needs in front of your own. There is verse in the Bible that says, "No greater love has any man than he lay down his life for his friend." That is the ultimate expression of love.

 

It looks to me like he is ready to move forward with you, as seen by his actions. You may be closer to reconciliation than you think. Forgiveness is powerful, and sets people free. If you have confessed your affair to your husband, and he is willing to forgive you, then accept it and put the past behind you.

 

Continue to have meaningful conversation and put words to your feelings so there is no mistaking what his intentions are.

 

Pray about this too. God is in the business of restoring people and with God all things are possible.

[AnneP]

You ask him to consider it and you would take it slow. He did not respond, so assume he is considering it and taking it slow. Perhaps you should ask him to attend an event together such as a movie or concert without the kids.

 

Thank you. I had considered asking him to do something alone, but didn't want to pressure him. Thursday he did meet me and the kids and spent 1.5 hours with us. We all arrived at about the same time and left at the same time. He then had a tennis match. After his match it was getting pretty late in the evening, but he messaged me asking if I wanted anything to eat because he was going to grab some food. We both hadn't eaten dinner because of the place we had gone with the kids. I told him that would be good and asked if he wanted to watch a show together (one that we both watch and are at the same point in the series).

He said that sounded good to him. He came over and spent about 3 hours at my house. Yesterday, we saw each other only briefly because he is sick and chose to work from home. He came by a couple of times to see the kids (who were also home sick)

 

I've considered asking him if he wants to go to dinner this weekend. I just don't want to pressure him, but also feel like because he did all the asking and trying before, maybe he wants to see me make the effort so he knows I'm serious. Not quite sure.

[AnneP]

To me, the scary thing about your post is the lack of effort on both sides throughout your marriage. You use a lot of vague terms - "fallen out of love", "started to fade", "things got rocky" as though the relationship had some life of its own. In reality, the emotional health of your marriage reflects both partner's interest in making in strong.

 

So while I understand your nostalgia and longing for the old days, I don't see what would keep the same bad habits and lazy dynamic from making you both unhappy again.

 

What's the plan?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I understand what you're saying about bad habits. That is what was experienced after our first separation. We jumped right back into our marriage and routine and nothing had changed. He did try. He did suggest things that would help our marriage and I didn't listen. Our marriage was wonderful before I started taking an anti-depressant. I am positive that is what caused me to change in every area of my life. It was not just him, but I lost interest in everything in my life. For example: Prior to starting this medicine, I would spend 1.5-2 hours x 6 days a week working out. I did this even into my 8th month of pregnancy and for the last month just walked an hour a day. Once I started the medicine, I didn't want to do ANYTHING.

 

I used "vague" terms because my original post was so long that I didn't want to add even more detail.

 

You asked what the plan was. I included that in my original post. My plan is to: Attend marriage counseling, go on date nights and spend time alone together. We both own our own homes, so clearly it's easy to take it slow at this point.

[AnneP]

In answer to your question, yes, I believe it is very possible to rekindle your love. When you consider the fact that love is an action more than a feeling, the action leads to emotional responses, such as you are now feeling. Marriage is like that; it evolves into deeper layers of commitment when you put the other person's needs in front of your own. There is verse in the Bible that says, "No greater love has any man than he lay down his life for his friend." That is the ultimate expression of love.

 

It looks to me like he is ready to move forward with you, as seen by his actions. You may be closer to reconciliation than you think. Forgiveness is powerful, and sets people free. If you have confessed your affair to your husband, and he is willing to forgive you, then accept it and put the past behind you.

 

Continue to have meaningful conversation and put words to your feelings so there is no mistaking what his intentions are.

 

Pray about this too. God is in the business of restoring people and with God all things are possible.

 

Thank you. We are both Christians and I have been praying about this and will continue to do so.

 

Neither he or I considered the other relationship an affair as we weren't living together and were separated. I asked him how he felt about me seeing someone else before I even did it. I do understand that in my religion, it's an affair and that's something that we would need counseling to overcome. I am thinking a Christian therapist would be best for us.

[Simple Logic]

Thank you. I had considered asking him to do something alone, but didn't want to pressure him. Thursday he did meet me and the kids and spent 1.5 hours with us. We all arrived at about the same time and left at the same time. He then had a tennis match. After his match it was getting pretty late in the evening, but he messaged me asking if I wanted anything to eat because he was going to grab some food. We both hadn't eaten dinner because of the place we had gone with the kids. I told him that would be good and asked if he wanted to watch a show together (one that we both watch and are at the same point in the series).

He said that sounded good to him. He came over and spent about 3 hours at my house. Yesterday, we saw each other only briefly because he is sick and chose to work from home. He came by a couple of times to see the kids (who were also home sick)

 

I've considered asking him if he wants to go to dinner this weekend. I just don't want to pressure him, but also feel like because he did all the asking and trying before, maybe he wants to see me make the effort so he knows I'm serious. Not quite sure.

 

No one knows what the best plan or speed is, but I encourage you to do something envolving some short light entertainment rather than just dinner. At least during or after you have something to discuss other than work or the kids.

[AnneP]

No one knows what the best plan or speed is, but I encourage you to do something envolving some short light entertainment rather than just dinner. At least during or after you have something to discuss other than work or the kids.

 

I think you make a great point. All 4 of us are sick and running fevers so not likely we would even have the opportunity or desire to do much today. My sister and her husband already have plans to go to my husband's home tomorrow to watch a movie with him. I'll go (if he invites) and do that with them. Thought about cooking a meal for everyone and bringing it over. I have continued to cook meals for him on occasion so that's not out of the ordinary. Guess I'll see how things go tomorrow and decide how to proceed from there. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist for individual counseling.

[EZNona]

I think you make a great point. All 4 of us are sick and running fevers so not likely we would even have the opportunity or desire to do much today. My sister and her husband already have plans to go to my husband's home tomorrow to watch a movie with him. I'll go (if he invites) and do that with them. Thought about cooking a meal for everyone and bringing it over. I have continued to cook meals for him on occasion so that's not out of the ordinary. Guess I'll see how things go tomorrow and decide how to proceed from there. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist for individual counseling.

 

Until that man says no, reconciliation is definitely possible....You've set up the invitation to a reconciliation and he has responded (action-wise) positively thus far, so there is definitely hope.

 

If your 'man' is sick, you need to do something for him to show you care and are trying. Bring him some soup, vapor rub,etc...something girl!!!

 

Next week when you guys are feeling better, invite him out to do something light together like see a movie (comedy or thriller). No sad movies. Something that will lighten the atmosphere and bring in an element of fun.

 

Yes girl, Anne, go get your man!!! But don't fall in the trap of over-analyzing every thing along the way. I'll be praying for you guys!

[AnneP]

Until that man says no, reconciliation is definitely possible....You've set up the invitation to a reconciliation and he has responded (action-wise) positively thus far, so there is definitely hope.

 

If your 'man' is sick, you need to do something for him to show you care and are trying. Bring him some soup, vapor rub,etc...something girl!!!

 

Next week when you guys are feeling better, invite him out to do something light together like see a movie (comedy or thriller). No sad movies. Something that will lighten the atmosphere and bring in an element of fun.

 

Yes girl, Anne, go get your man!!! But don't fall in the trap of over-analyzing every thing along the way. I'll be praying for you guys!

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I went grocery shopping this morning and called to see what he needed. I also picked up pizza for him and the kids. I spent about a half hour at his house talking. He's really not feeling well and hates homemade chicken soup. He wanted pizza so that's what he got. Pretty sure he took some NyQuil and went back to bed. I'm going to message him later to check on how they're all feeling.

[DKT3]

If this other guy wasn't in the picture as your marriage was falling apart, and didnt play a role I would say go for it. However, if he was then leave the man alone. I'm not say you cheated or anything, but if you were dating someone a year during a year and a half seperation those questions will at least be asked, at least to himself.

[AnneP]

If this other guy wasn't in the picture as your marriage was falling apart, and didnt play a role I would say go for it. However, if he was then leave the man alone. I'm not say you cheated or anything, but if you were dating someone a year during a year and a half seperation those questions will at least be asked, at least to himself.

 

The other guy wasn't in the picture until after my husband moved out and into his own home. The other man has also always told me that he would understand if I chose to reconcile my marriage. I thought he was crazy when he said that as I never thought it would happen. Seems like he knew I wasn't over my husband when I didn't realize it.

 

We were separated under the same roof from April/May 2015-September 2015. We have been living apart since September 2015.

Edited January 21, 2017 by AnneP

[AnneP]

Last week I made a post about reconciling with my H. We have been physically separated and living in our own homes for 1.5 years.

 

I'll keep it short. He and I talked and decided we would give our marriage another shot. He agreed to MC. We had sex over the weekend. We've spent a few nights during the week spending time alone, nothing heavy just watching TV.

 

We aren't holding hands, cuddling, etc., just spending time alone, but we had sex. I'm kind of confused. It's a little awkward for me and I imagine it is for him as well.

 

Is reconciliation much like starting a new relationship? That's certainly what it feels like in the sense of not knowing what to do/say, over thinking everything, etc. I do know it's healthy that we haven't jumped back in to things or our old habits.

 

Any advice on what I should be doing?

[Mr. Lucky]

What does a "normal" or healthy reconciliation look like?

 

Would have to ask "reconciliation" from what?

 

Were cheating involved, recovery would have to include NC, transparency and remorse from spouse. If just a general disconnect, reconciliation would have to involve MC and IC to address the issues.

 

What I wouldn't do is get back together and hope things somehow magically would get better.

 

And on that basis, I'd want this connection:

 

We aren't holding hands, cuddling, etc.,

 

Before this connection:

 

We had sex over the weekend.

 

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. What my ex and I proved during several attempted reconciliations was, while we could certainly successfully sleep together, we couldn't live together.

 

Hope you have a more positive result...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AnneP]

Would have to ask "reconciliation" from what?

 

Were cheating involved, recovery would have to include NC, transparency and remorse from spouse. If just a general disconnect, reconciliation would have to involve MC and IC to address the issues.

 

What I wouldn't do is get back together and hope things somehow magically would get better.

 

And on that basis, I'd want this connection:

 

 

 

Before this connection:

 

 

 

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. What my ex and I proved during several attempted reconciliations was, while we could certainly successfully sleep together, we couldn't live together.

 

Hope you have a more positive result...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was a general disconnect. No cheating. And I agree with what you said about IC and MC and I'm working on that. Also agree that sex shouldn't have happened but it just kind of happened.

 

We never had a problem living together. Ever. The problem was we grew apart and became roommates. I feel he gave up on our marriage and stopped trying because I left him with no hope. I was in a fog from taking anti-depressants that I shouldn't have been taking.

Edited January 27, 2017 by AnneP

[Mr. Lucky]

Now that mods have merged your threads, makes more sense. I'd guess much in your case would be based on your state of mind and understanding/avoiding the drugs that had such a negative effect.

 

Just be careful you're not taking a dip in the nostalgia pool. That pull can be strong and our minds tend to selectively edit out the worst parts of past history.

 

Do you feel one of you is pushing for this more than the other?

 

Mr. Lucky

[AnneP]

Now that mods have merged your threads, makes more sense. I'd guess much in your case would be based on your state of mind and understanding/avoiding the drugs that had such a negative effect.

 

Just be careful you're not taking a dip in the nostalgia pool. That pull can be strong and our minds tend to selectively edit out the worst parts of past history.

 

Do you feel one of you is pushing for this more than the other?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Totally agree. We really never had much "bad." We did MC early

On because of his mother. The woman is insane. We were always best friends and got along so well. I guess the bad is that I wasn't really "living" but was "existing." The only thing we really argued about was sex and my lost interest. Even then, it wasn't much of an argument because he was right. I couldn't argue.

 

No. Doesn't seem like either of us are pushing it. Guess that's why it feels so weird because we are moving so slowly and learning who the other is again and that is weird when you've been married over 10 years.

 

It was also weird waking up at 5:00 in the morning to get out before our kids woke up. Me to H: I better leave before they wake up and wonder what I'm doing here. That just felt so weird. I know it's the right thing. They don't need to see us together like that. Not now anyway.