Zobey Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Hi everyone, Just a bit of backstory - my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years (Oct 2017). We've been together for 10 years. I think we have a normal marriage like lots of other marriages. We have our ups and downs and we have a nice balance with our interests, personalities, and opinions. We love each other very much and we try our best to communicate our feelings as often as possible although sometimes that doesn't always work it out. I feel like sometimes my husband acts more like my parent in that he'll say that I'm not allowed to do something because it's not what he wants. I base a lot of what I do on emotion because I'm a very emotional and sensitive person. I got that trait from my mother! I also know that sometimes I can be insensitive and selfish and I am trying to change that because being raised by my mother that's how she treated me and I don't want to do that to my husband. I guess the most recent thing is last year I got my first tattoo. It's small and simple and meaningful to me. A little backstory on that is I have a blood clotting disease which I take blood thinners for and I have done my research, talked to people in my situation who have gotten tattoos, and spoken with my doctor. As long as I go about this a safe way and understand the risks (bleeding) getting a tattoo is not a problem. Here we are several months later and no complications! My husband was totally against it because he doesn't like tattoos and was concerned about my health. I totally understand about him being concerned, but at the same time no matter what research I showed him or told him what doctors said, none of it mattered. He was closed off to the idea. I told him I was doing it despite everything and I came home with it. He wasn't mad, but he was still skeptical about the healing. After a month it healed with no problems and no one had anything to say. I am planning on getting another small tattoo in May when my sister comes out. My husband and I made a deal. I lose 25 pound or more by May and I can get one. We've been in this situation before where we'll make a deal and the conversation is over. Then time will come for it to happen and it's like he's completely changed his mind and I can't do it. He actually says "no. You're not doing that." I get that marriage is a compromise, but he'll get mad if I change my hair color or cut it too short. Silly things. It's not like I'm getting major cosmetic surgey. Nothing life changing. The other thing is eventually he just caves and then says he has no say and I just do what I want regardless of his feelings, but I do compromise on many things. Does marriage mean I can no longer do what I want? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Does marriage mean I can no longer do what I want? I don't know that you're in a situation that that's drastic. In the principal example you gave, your first tattoo, he didn't say you couldn't do it, he just didn't like the idea. He didn't pretend to be supportive of something he didn't support, but I don't understand you to be saying that he flat out forbade the tattoo. Likewise, he didn't forbid you from cutting or coloring your hair, he just didn't like it. If I decided to shave my beard off, my wife would hate it and she wouldn't pretend otherwise. You may have an issue with him being supportive (although that's arguable), but I'm not seeing an issue with him being too controlling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Compromises are for things like who does the laundry or where you go on vacation When it comes to YOUR body, no one gets to tell you what you can or can't do with it. And you said you were an emotional person. Is that what he tells you? That you're overreacting because you're too emotional and sensitive? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zobey Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 I don't know that you're in a situation that that's drastic. In the principal example you gave, your first tattoo, he didn't say you couldn't do it, he just didn't like the idea. He didn't pretend to be supportive of something he didn't support, but I don't understand you to be saying that he flat out forbade the tattoo. Likewise, he didn't forbid you from cutting or coloring your hair, he just didn't like it. If I decided to shave my beard off, my wife would hate it and she wouldn't pretend otherwise. You may have an issue with him being supportive (although that's arguable), but I'm not seeing an issue with him being too controlling. I think it's just the words, "No, you're not doing that. " they really got to me and I feel like whenever I come to him with wanting to do something he's never in the right mind to have a real conversation or he doesn't take me seriously. I feel like sometimes he just comes up with these "deals" or says okay just so we can end the conversation. So to me it sounds like hey, it's not something that he wants me to do but he's not going to forbid me from doing it. Then the time comes to do it and all the sudden it's like we never had that conversation and he's totally against it and it turns into this argument. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Hi everyone, Just a bit of backstory - my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years (Oct 2017). We've been together for 10 years. I think we have a normal marriage like lots of other marriages. We have our ups and downs and we have a nice balance with our interests, personalities, and opinions. We love each other very much and we try our best to communicate our feelings as often as possible although sometimes that doesn't always work it out. I feel like sometimes my husband acts more like my parent in that he'll say that I'm not allowed to do something because it's not what he wants. I base a lot of what I do on emotion because I'm a very emotional and sensitive person. I got that trait from my mother! I also know that sometimes I can be insensitive and selfish and I am trying to change that because being raised by my mother that's how she treated me and I don't want to do that to my husband. I guess the most recent thing is last year I got my first tattoo. It's small and simple and meaningful to me. A little backstory on that is I have a blood clotting disease which I take blood thinners for and I have done my research, talked to people in my situation who have gotten tattoos, and spoken with my doctor. As long as I go about this a safe way and understand the risks (bleeding) getting a tattoo is not a problem. Here we are several months later and no complications! My husband was totally against it because he doesn't like tattoos and was concerned about my health. I totally understand about him being concerned, but at the same time no matter what research I showed him or told him what doctors said, none of it mattered. He was closed off to the idea. I told him I was doing it despite everything and I came home with it. He wasn't mad, but he was still skeptical about the healing. After a month it healed with no problems and no one had anything to say. I am planning on getting another small tattoo in May when my sister comes out. My husband and I made a deal. I lose 25 pound or more by May and I can get one. We've been in this situation before where we'll make a deal and the conversation is over. Then time will come for it to happen and it's like he's completely changed his mind and I can't do it. He actually says "no. You're not doing that." I get that marriage is a compromise, but he'll get mad if I change my hair color or cut it too short. Silly things. It's not like I'm getting major cosmetic surgey. Nothing life changing. The other thing is eventually he just caves and then says he has no say and I just do what I want regardless of his feelings, but I do compromise on many things. Does marriage mean I can no longer do what I want? Has he always been this way? I don't know if some of it's controlling or if he likes a certain look on you. Women do this all the time. Buy their H clothes, ask questions like "you aren't going to really wear that are you?"--and then practically dress them as if they're children. We like them to look certain ways. I don't think it's controlling but perhaps he just prefers certain looks on you. Some of his delivery seems wrong and clearly there are some communication issues. Tattoos are big deals for a lot of men and women. My husband hates them and thinks they're trashy and I've always known that is his stance and never gotten one. He also prefers my hair longer (not shorter than just below the shoulders) and I keep it long. I don't see that as controlling, I see that as maintaining a look he finds appealing. I also like my hair long. If I really wanted to it it super short, it wouldn't be a deal breaker, but he would make it known that he didn't like it. I don't like men with long/messy/unkept beards. I would never want my H to have that. Does that make me controlling? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Your husband doesn't want you to have tramp stamps because he finds tatoos unattractive and maybe repulsive. You got one, call, it a day before he quits having sex with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zobey Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Your husband doesn't want you to have tramp stamps because he finds tatoos unattractive and maybe repulsive. You got one, call, it a day before he quits having sex with you. Why is it a tramp stamp? We've had this conversation about him being attracted to me if I were to get a few tattoos. The only thing that he said is as long as I don't get a giant sleeve or anything on my neck it's not that big of a deal although he doesn't like tattoos in the first place. I do try to look a certain way for him but if I want to do something slightly different I don't see the big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Why is it a tramp stamp? We've had this conversation about him being attracted to me if I were to get a few tattoos. The only thing that he said is as long as I don't get a giant sleeve or anything on my neck it's not that big of a deal although he doesn't like tattoos in the first place. I do try to look a certain way for him but if I want to do something slightly different I don't see the big deal. A tramp stamp is the tattoo that many women get on their lower back. You've never heard that term? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zobey Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 A tramp stamp is the tattoo that many women get on their lower back. You've never heard that term? Why are you assuming it's on my lower back? I've heard the term, but only applied to a tattoo in that spot. My tattoo is on my inner wrist so not a tramp stamp then. I would never get a tattoo in a place where I couldn't see it everyday. My reason of getting one is so that I can see it and easily be able to take care of it. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I just find women to be so hypocritical at times. Can you imagine if you dressed up to go out on a date, came out thinking you look super cute and your husband asking you: Are you really going to wear that? Women do this All. The. Time. If a man said something like this, it would be "insensitive/rude/cruel/controlling/etc." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Why are you assuming it's on my lower back? I've heard the term, but only applied to a tattoo in that spot. My tattoo is on my inner wrist so not a tramp stamp then. I would never get a tattoo in a place where I couldn't see it everyday. My reason of getting one is so that I can see it and easily be able to take care of it. I didn't assume anything. I wasn't the one who mentioned the tramp stamp. I was under the impression you were asking what a tramp stamp was and was telling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zobey Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 I didn't assume anything. I wasn't the one who mentioned the tramp stamp. I was under the impression you were asking what a tramp stamp was and was telling you. Okay well I apologize for that. It's just that other person used "tramp stamp" in a derogatory manner to say that all tattoos are tramp stamps. So I got a little annoyed at that. Just because someone doesn't like something doesn't make it a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Okay well I apologize for that. It's just that other person used "tramp stamp" in a derogatory manner to say that all tattoos are tramp stamps. So I got a little annoyed at that. Just because someone doesn't like something doesn't make it a bad thing. No worries. I had wanted something small early on and he was adamant that I would regret it. I didn't get it because he was repulsed by them. I mean, kind of the whole compromise and picking your battles thing. I don't regret not getting one either. I'm glad I didn't. I think it's important to note that it doesn't matter what we think. Do you think he's controlling; if so, communicate that to him and go from there. What works for someone else might not work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Some of his delivery seems wrong and clearly there are some communication issues. Agreed, think he just has an unfortunate way of expressing what you both know to be his opinion. "Controlling" would be trying to keep you from leaving the house on "tattoo day". Or punishing you in some way for defying his wishes. Based on your description, he's never gone there. Having said that, why is something like a tattoo some important to you that you'd create this issue in the marriage over it? Seems a strange line in the sand to me when you can get the same saying/symbol on a t-shirt... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 He says that if you lose 25lbs or more you can have a tattoo. Yes, I would say this is controlling. Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 My husband and I made a deal. I lose 25 pound or more by May and I can get one. We've been in this situation before where we'll make a deal and the conversation is over. Then time will come for it to happen and it's like he's completely changed his mind and I can't do it. He actually says "no. You're not doing that." I get that marriage is a compromise, but he'll get mad if I change my hair color or cut it too short. Silly things. It's not like I'm getting major cosmetic surgey. Nothing life changing. Sounds controlling to me. He sounds like a major jerk actually. So he said you could get a tattoo if you lost weight? What kind of deal is that? He gets mad when you change your appearance to something he doesn't like. Sounds childish and unsupportive. I would never tell my signficant other what they can and can't do to their appearance, and I sure as hell wouldn't make them a deal like lose weight and you can do this. Nor would I let them dictate what I look like. Some people seem to be okay with it. That would be a deal-breaker with me. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Folks who make impulsive decisions based on emotions normally get the same reactions that a teenager would. There's a huge difference between being abusively controlling and protective. Sounds like with your blood condition he was seriously worried for you. Instead of seeing that as good, it appears you took it as controlling. Maybe context is in order. How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Have you tried talking to him about his word choice? My husband would never dream of telling me what I can't do. I'd go ballistic. However, he has offered me strongly worded opinions when appropriate. Him saying "I'd prefer you didn't" is vastly different than "you can't." For example, when we were remodeling the kitchen I wanted this one feature that alone was going to be $750. He didn't see the point & strongly expressed the idea that it wasn't worth the money but he also offered me a work around solution. We didn't get that feature. But on another note, DH prefers dark color clothes in solids -- black, grey & navy. My wardrobe is chock full of bright colors & prints. He often tells me he doesn't like certain pieces; I routinely ignore him. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with the quid pro quo of lose weight & you can have a tattoo unless you negotiated that. If he brought it up first, fine. Another example, I am trying to lose weight for our upcoming vacation. It was my idea. I'm 5 pounds away from goal & DH offered me a "surprise" as a reward / congratulations for achieving my goal. Had he tried to set my weight loss for me, I might have considered losing 175 pounds of him. Bottom line because you asked the Q, some part of you is concerned about what you perceive as a controlling nature. That you need to address calmly with him. best wishes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 The fact that you can get a tattoo if you lose 25 pounds... like its some kind of reward for good behavior, this is most disturbing to me. Obviously, if my husband was strongly opposed I would consider that when making a decision. But really, it's your body - if you want a tattoo, you should get a tattoo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Why is it a tramp stamp? We've had this conversation about him being attracted to me if I were to get a few tattoos. The only thing that he said is as long as I don't get a giant sleeve or anything on my neck it's not that big of a deal although he doesn't like tattoos in the first place. I do try to look a certain way for him but if I want to do something slightly different I don't see the big deal. Yes, he will still be attracted to you, but every tat you add he will be less attracted to you. Go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts