leyateresa Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I went out with a guy for coffee through work, and he never wore a wedding ring or mentioned a wife, yet even a girlfriend. So, I assumed he must have been single, was flirting with him through email/smiling at him etc. Then I noticed after around a month that he was married on his facebook and had a wedding ring on... His wife lives in a different city, and he's moving to the same city I am in 4-5 months. I mentioned to him that we should celebrate his new job before he leaves (when I didn't know he was married) Then I mentioned to him I noticed he was married and didn't realize before.. when I asked him to celebrate.. he said we can still celebrate before he leaves and also when we both get to the new city in 4-5 months time and that we can be friends there.. Is this kind of thing common? I feel like he is flirting but also might just be a very friendly person. am i over reacting? for some reason i feel weird about it.. and i mentioned to him that maybe I could meet his wife when we get there at some point (to try and make it more acceptable!, esp since she isn't even going to be living there... ) any thoughts?! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 If you don't feel that he can be a friend without wanting more, then don't be a friend. If you want to be more than a friend, then stay away. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I can't tell if you're bothered or curious. Regardless, I think JamesM nailed it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leyateresa Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Haha, it started off curious because it was one of those coffees where i left thinking ****! we really hit it off and i was so excited! but then so bummed when i saw he was married... so i was just ruminating about this 'friendship' i somehow got myself into. But, its fine the girl always gets the blame Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Haha, it started off curious because it was one of those coffees where i left thinking ****! we really hit it off and i was so excited! but then so bummed when i saw he was married... so i was just ruminating about this 'friendship' i somehow got myself into. But, its fine the girl always gets the blame I'm not blaming you for anything. You haven't done anything (yet) to be blamed for, have you? If you want my advice, don't bother trying to decipher this guy. It's a waste of your time and energy and dignity. Nothing good can come of this 'relationship' especially if you saw him as someone you might like to date before you knew he was actually married. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 YOu cannot be blamed for the initial attraction you felt. However, now you know he is married, you can start blaming yourself for any further contact with him Whatever makes you think you can be friends with a married man? Tell him you would love to meet his wife as well and the three of you can be friends. See what he does. OH, I wouldn't be celebrating ANYTHING alone with this guy. It's simply not right. How do you think his wife would regard it? Poppy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Pretty slimy to not wear his ring or mention his wife. I'd stay well clear of him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 However, now you know he is married, you can start blaming yourself for any further contact with him Whatever makes you think you can be friends with a married man? Tell him you would love to meet his wife as well and the three of you can be friends. Oh, so true. My xMM and I played the "of course we can be friends one day" game until the day I realized that I would *always* be the friend he could only talk with via a secret email or by hiding me in his contact list as some random guy friend named "Jake" or "Bill" or "Bob". Not the life for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 (edited) So if you try to stay friends with him it will go like this: You have fun times. You are flirty with each other. He starts to confide in you that his wife: -ignores him -withholds sex -only loves him for his money -marriage has been dead for years -doesn't underwent him (Pick one or two or more--- doesn't matter because they are all lies) Then you'll feel bad for him. Because YOU understand him!!! You could have sex with the poor deprived guy! Then you'll have sex and it won't be the best you ever had but you will THINK it's the best you ever had because of the situation. You'll sneak around together, you'll fall deep in love and feel like he's your soulmate and you are the only two people in the world who love like you do. Then you'll ask about a future and he'll talk of leaving his wife. But he wont. He'll drag it out using these excuses: -my kids are too young -she's pregnant -her birthday / Christmas/ anniversary is coming up -can't afford it right now -when the kids are a little older Then his wife will somehow find out. Text message seen, someone sees you and her husband together, she reads an email...... Then you'll get a phone call or text or email from him stating that he's going to work on his marriage and to please not contact him anymore. He'll tell her you pursued him, that you pushed for this. You're crazy and a stalker and won't leave him alone. Then he will ignore you. But you'll still see each other at work. So after things calm down at home.....he'll reach out to you....you'll think it's harmless and sure we can be friends..... Then basically just start from the top and read down a few times ^^^^. Repeat repeat repeat Then you'll be here crying about it for a year until you get over it. Basically you'll waste years of your life on ^^^^^^^thst scenario. Oh and somehow you'll be the villain in the story. You're the girl that slept with a married guy! People at your job will find out and people will lose all respect for you. Edited January 28, 2017 by aileD 6 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Oh and somehow you'll be the villain in the story. You're the girl that slept with a married guy! People at your job will find out and people will lose all respect for you. Yes, this will happen. My brief EA/one-time PA with xMM never was discovered, but people saw us spending way too much intense conversation time together. There were looks, whispers, rumors. It then spread to another organization I worked for via a shared colleague. Everytime my job at Organization A came up, I saw discomfort and disgust in the faces of my colleagues at Organization B. It was terrible. And I feel very lucky it didn't become disclosed/discovered b/c it would have been 1000% worse. Affairs have consequences that are easy to ignore when you're in the fog of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Haha, it started off curious because it was one of those coffees where i left thinking ****! we really hit it off and i was so excited! but then so bummed when i saw he was married... so i was just ruminating about this 'friendship' i somehow got myself into. But, its fine the girl always gets the blame He didn't tell you he was married, he is to blame for that, getting your hopes up a bit. You WILL be to blame if you spend more time with him knowing now he's married. (unless you ask to meet his wife and become friends with both of them, this way it's an out in the open and honest friendship) You'll only be wasting your time and energy/investing in someone who isn't available. I wouldn't even bother with friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I am not casting blame on you either. Since you asked the question, then I am answering it with you in mind. Personally, I was irritated with the guy for playing with your emotions. I would be quicker to say that you are a victim or possible victim and certainly not to blame for what all happened thus far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Listen to everyone here! Something is off with this guy and the fact that you sought advice on a forum for people in affairs is something you should pay attention to as well. Read here and in the infidelity forum, you'll see the pain that characterises affairs. Nothing is worth it! You can walk away now after some (on your behalf) innocent flirting with no damage done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 The fact that he doesn't wear a ring and neglected to mention that he is married is a red flag. Skip the celebration and tell him that you look forward to meeting his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 The fact that he doesn't wear a ring and neglected to mention that he is married is a red flag. Skip the celebration and tell him that you look forward to meeting his wife. Agreed. Of all the many posts on this forum, this one seems so very straightforward. This man is a player. He kept his ring off to deceive you and get you hooked. His celebration will undoubtedly involve some things that friends don't traditionally engage in together. Link to post Share on other sites
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