Husband doesn't give me butterflies anymore...

[Calliexx]

I wasn't exactly sure where to put this since it also has to do with our sexual relationship as well, but I figured I'd post it here.

 

This might be long, I'm not sure yet but please read. I'd love some insight/advice.

 

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5. He's 28 & I'm 25, a stay at home mom, and we have 2 kids together. I know they say that the "honeymoon" phase ends eventually but I feel like ours has been gone for a while and I'm not really sure what to do. We've talked about this and have tried to fix things, but it only lasts a short while and then goes back to how it was before. There isn't much "flirting" between us anymore. No random cute/sexy texts during the day, no romance really at all, no notes in the morning before he leaves for work, no hand holding when we're out, no random kisses throughout the day, always on his phone while we're watching tv together or even when we're out on a date, and I can't even remember the last time I hugged him, etc. He also doesn't help around the house much or when I ask him to do something there's a complaint as to why he can't do it now or tells me he'll get to it when he decides to do it. I will cook dinner for everyone, but I still end up doing all of the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen afterwards without him even offering to help. Is that asking too much? I feel selfish asking him to do something when he gets home that knowing he works all day.

 

These are all things that he USED to do and used to help out with around the house (obviously except for being on his phone all the time), but doesn't anymore. When we've talked about all of this stuff, I told him I miss it and would like it if he did these things again...so he does it for a week or two and then it's back to how it was before. Obviously I know it's not just him that's stopped doing these things but I feel like whenever I try to do something sweet or sexy to spice up the relationship, his reaction is just so...blah. Example: A few months ago I sent him a couple of sexy pictures while he was in class and the only comment I got from him when he got home was "Yeah, they looked good." They way he said it made me feel like he was talking about dinner or something. Nothing saying how much those made him want me, how sexy they were. It hurt me a lot.

 

Sex has been an issue for us too. Overtime, he's just kind of stopped giving me foreplay so I actually had to talk to him about it just recently and tell him what I needed from him in bed. Even still though he'll make jokes about getting out of giving me oral sex which makes me feel like he hates it and just wants a quickie. He always says he's just joking but it really bugs me. On the nights where I don't want oral, he seems to forget that there are other ways to give foreplay to a woman and just kisses my neck a few times and then is ready to go. I have to actually stop and tell him where to touch and kiss me and then that kills the mood for me. The frequency of sex has never been an issue, just the quality of it I guess is the problem.

 

I'm just so at a loss about what to do to help get us back to where we were before. Is that even possible? He used to be the complete opposite of everything I'm complaining about now, which is why I married him. I honestly feel no excitement, butterflies, or giddyness when I'm around him anymore. Should I still feel some of those things? Honestly because of all of these issues I've thought about an affair and I feel so absolutely horrible thinking about that but I just feel so unfulfilled in our marriage. I know I couldn't actually ever cheat on him...but I guess just the thought has crossed my mind often. I've asked him if he's still in love with me and if he genuinely still wants to stay married and he says that he does and he doesn't want to divorce. But yet nothing changes. I don't want to divorce either, we have 2 little kids and I would much rather try and fix this then to split up our family. We have looked into counseling but unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it and it's pretty expensive so we can't exactly do that at this moment.

 

Sorry for all of the rambling. I just have so much on my mind that I just typed it all out. Any advice is really appreciated..

Edited January 28, 2017 by Calliexx

[d0nnivain]

You have a normal stable marriage. All the stuff you claim you want that is missing is a fairy tale. You are believing a bunch of lies the romance industry fed you. Nobody gets the giddiness they had when they were dating. Things were simpler then. Now you have jobs & kids.

 

 

She's a pop psychologist but Dr. Laura wrote a book about the care & feeding of a marriage. It has some sexist garbage in it but at ground it's about appreciating your husband for being there, for putting food on the table, for being a good, honest, decent, hardworking man.

 

 

Wind yourself up if you have to but don't chuck your whole marriage because you don't get goosebumps anymore. All you will do is end up another single mom who can't find a decent man because you claim they all view your kids as baggage.

 

 

I believe in marriage & commitment. You took vows. Honor them. Find reasons to stay. What's out there isn't as good as what you have. The secret to happiness is appreciating what you have & stop looking for the next thing.

Edited January 28, 2017 by d0nnivain

[Mr. Lucky]

Find reasons to stay.

 

Bingo. You've written half a dozen paragraphs about what's missing, think about what's there. I also wonder if some of this has to do with a feeling that, married and kids since you were 20, you've missed out on some things. Glass half empty or half full, your choice.

 

We have looked into counseling but unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it and it's pretty expensive so we can't exactly do that at this moment.

 

I can tell you from personal experience, divorce is even more expensive. Since many of your issues relate to communication, counseling could provide some very valuable help. I'd find a way to get it done, much at stake here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

IMO, if no abuse or infidelity *and* you and he are both on the same page about the M, meaning you've each clearly communicated your perspectives and desire to 'make it work', then choose to engage a professional to assist. If only one or neither wishes to do the work or make the effort, it will fail. Marriages don't coast, rather are active partnerships where both partners make efforts to sustain and improve the M. If other, move on. One isn't enough. However, don't threaten. Make positive communications to recover and improve and, if no joy, execute termination. No middle ground.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Callie, I just wanted to ask what are the things that you and your husband would enjoy doing together while dating and in the early days of marriage? See if you can resurrect some of that. Marriages start getting stale pretty fast unless you keep refreshing them constantly. Do you take vacations regularly? If not why not? Children impose a heavy strain on marriages and since your children are small I can imagine they entails a lot of work and motherly involvement. Were your children a mutual choice or did one of you want them whereas the other would have preferred to defer them or possibly not have them at all? If the latter and your husband was the one not really wanting kids then his behaviour may be a reflection of his unhappiness with something which was forced on him. I would suggest that you break the routine of your daily life at home in small ways, when your husband comes home from work. Maybe change things around. Surprise him with some dish that he really likes. Engage him in a conversation about something going on in your town, city or the country and ask his opinion about it.

 

Usually what happens is that once a man is able to marry the woman he desired, he becomes complacent because he has her where he wants her. He knows that he does not have to hold your hand or write you love notes or whatever else he did during the courtship because he has been able to seal the deal. So you should think of ways to keep him engaged. One day you surprise him and tell him you want to go out and meet your GFs after he returns from work and request him to look after the kids. Of course this is assuming you have GFs that he knows of and you can actually fix up something like that. Leave it open ended so that if he has an unpleasant reaction, you can call it off. The idea is to see what his reaction is. If he is placid and accepting of your decision then I think there is something to worry about. It shows that he is losing interest in the relationship. If he reacts with a show of spirit then I would think he is still engaged. Anyway, you are the best person to think up ways to keep things interesting in your marriage. It seems both of you have fallen into a rut and you have to get out of it to keep the marriage alive and well. Maybe you can go away with the kids to visit your parents if they live in another city or some such thing. Your thoughts of an affair is the worst possible thing because thinking about it regularly will make it seem more and more attractive and one day lo and behold you will succumb to the temptation and nothing will ever be the same. Your marriage will be nuked as they say. Warm wishes.

[ShatteredLady]

Although your concerns are very common & 'normal' in a marriage with little kids is also very true to say that divorce & infidelity are common these days! Ugh!

 

Mobile phones, iPads, tablets, all death to intimacy if you let them. We've gone through the same thing. My husband was always half in any conversation & made the excuse that having worked in telecommunications he was used to 'muti tasking' ugh!!

 

It's ok to set a NO PHONE rule. Unless it's essential for work he doesn't need to be staring at his phone.

 

I had SAHM guilt. Why should I ask him to do anything, he works hard all day?! Let's be honest, I've had a very stressful career. It was a walk in the park compared to being a mother 24/7 to little kids.

 

I know that cooking & cleaning can be seen as 'just housework' but the truth is, doing all these little things TOGETHER offers another opportunity for intimacy. We used to talk & joke whilst doing those things. They say that if you want a young boy to open-up & share things with you, you should talk whist enjoying an activity. Marriage is much the same. Forced conversations can be taken as nag time!!

 

I hated the idea that marriage is work but at some point it really is. We were together for a very long time before we had children so we didn't reach that point for a while. Kids change EVERYTHING!! You have to choose to make time for each other. It's all too easy to let the resentments build. I would of been deeply hurt if my husband reacted that way to my photographs. I would have vowed NEVER to put the effort in again!! That's the death-nail of marriage!!

 

Sometimes you have to talk about it & then let it go. That was a one time thing. Please don't stop trying. You have a little family. I know it's exhausting & kids are all about routine. Routine is boring & depressing. You have to fight to keep things alive. Date night & romantic ideas (bath together, candle lit dinners with NO PHONE! Picnic infront of the fire once the kids are in bed. Whatever!) are essential to break the routine.

 

Best wishes. I know it's hard at times.

[BluesPower]

Your husband is in that phase...

 

Most men get into this, I however did not, but a ton of men do. He is comfortable.

 

You both take each other for granted and you both have to get out of it.

 

This is the subtle stuff that happens in marriage, but later it will lead to and affair for one or both of you and divorce.

 

So you will have to get him to wake up. But, you cant just bitch at him, you have to talk to him with clear needs based arguments. To get some men to wake up is so difficult but start looking for ways to explain it to him.

 

MC is a must, but you will have to "interview" several most likely, there are just a ton of horrible ones out there so you have to look hard.

 

That book that was mentioned is a good one to help with some of this, but there are several more that can help.

 

This is where you have to WORK for the marriage, and your first step is to wake hubby up or you are on your way to a divorce in the long run.

Edited January 29, 2017 by BluesPower

[Calliexx]

You have a normal stable marriage. All the stuff you claim you want that is missing is a fairy tale. You are believing a bunch of lies the romance industry fed you. Nobody gets the giddiness they had when they were dating. Things were simpler then. Now you have jobs & kids.

 

 

She's a pop psychologist but Dr. Laura wrote a book about the care & feeding of a marriage. It has some sexist garbage in it but at ground it's about appreciating your husband for being there, for putting food on the table, for being a good, honest, decent, hardworking man.

 

 

Wind yourself up if you have to but don't chuck your whole marriage because you don't get goosebumps anymore. All you will do is end up another single mom who can't find a decent man because you claim they all view your kids as baggage.

 

 

I believe in marriage & commitment. You took vows. Honor them. Find reasons to stay. What's out there isn't as good as what you have. The secret to happiness is appreciating what you have & stop looking for the next thing.

 

How is that a fairytale if those are all of the things he used to do? I'm not asking for roses everyday or long massages before bed each night. I'm just asking for the little things that he used to do, to still be done once in a while. I miss those little sweet gestures that showed he was thinking of me. I'm not asking to be swept off my feet...but the lack of absolutely anything romance wise is a turn off.

 

Bingo. You've written half a dozen paragraphs about what's missing, think about what's there. I also wonder if some of this has to do with a feeling that, married and kids since you were 20, you've missed out on some things. Glass half empty or half full, your choice.

 

 

 

I can tell you from personal experience, divorce is even more expensive. Since many of your issues relate to communication, counseling could provide some very valuable help. I'd find a way to get it done, much at stake here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Honestly maybe that's where it comes from. But I wouldn't jepordize my marriage because of that. I do think we married really young, but I do love him & we have a life together which is why I'm asking about what to do to try and get us back to somewhat how we were before.

 

Hi Callie, I just wanted to ask what are the things that you and your husband would enjoy doing together while dating and in the early days of marriage? See if you can resurrect some of that. Marriages start getting stale pretty fast unless you keep refreshing them constantly. Do you take vacations regularly? If not why not? Children impose a heavy strain on marriages and since your children are small I can imagine they entails a lot of work and motherly involvement. Were your children a mutual choice or did one of you want them whereas the other would have preferred to defer them or possibly not have them at all? If the latter and your husband was the one not really wanting kids then his behaviour may be a reflection of his unhappiness with something which was forced on him. I would suggest that you break the routine of your daily life at home in small ways, when your husband comes home from work. Maybe change things around. Surprise him with some dish that he really likes. Engage him in a conversation about something going on in your town, city or the country and ask his opinion about it.

 

Usually what happens is that once a man is able to marry the woman he desired, he becomes complacent because he has her where he wants her. He knows that he does not have to hold your hand or write you love notes or whatever else he did during the courtship because he has been able to seal the deal. So you should think of ways to keep him engaged. One day you surprise him and tell him you want to go out and meet your GFs after he returns from work and request him to look after the kids. Of course this is assuming you have GFs that he knows of and you can actually fix up something like that. Leave it open ended so that if he has an unpleasant reaction, you can call it off. The idea is to see what his reaction is. If he is placid and accepting of your decision then I think there is something to worry about. It shows that he is losing interest in the relationship. If he reacts with a show of spirit then I would think he is still engaged. Anyway, you are the best person to think up ways to keep things interesting in your marriage. It seems both of you have fallen into a rut and you have to get out of it to keep the marriage alive and well. Maybe you can go away with the kids to visit your parents if they live in another city or some such thing. Your thoughts of an affair is the worst possible thing because thinking about it regularly will make it seem more and more attractive and one day lo and behold you will succumb to the temptation and nothing will ever be the same. Your marriage will be nuked as they say. Warm wishes.

 

We definitely don't take vacations together now that we have kids. We try to do "day dates" or whatever but that's only for a few hours because the only sitter we have to watch our kids is my dad and he doesn't want to watch them that long. Our first was a surprise and our 2nd was planned. We were doing fine after we had our first, so that's why we decided to try for #2. But since then, that's when all of the issues have come up. We talk all the time about things like that. I'm a very talkative and open person, so I'm always trying to include him in conversations about stuff going on where we live, or what we saw on the news, I ask him about work, etc.

 

I know we both have fallen into a rut and I've told him many times that I want to try and get back to before. Obviously I know it's not going to be 100% like it used to be, but I would like at least some of the sweetness and romance back. I miss that.

 

Although your concerns are very common & 'normal' in a marriage with little kids is also very true to say that divorce & infidelity are common these days! Ugh!

 

Mobile phones, iPads, tablets, all death to intimacy if you let them. We've gone through the same thing. My husband was always half in any conversation & made the excuse that having worked in telecommunications he was used to 'muti tasking' ugh!!

 

It's ok to set a NO PHONE rule. Unless it's essential for work he doesn't need to be staring at his phone.

 

I had SAHM guilt. Why should I ask him to do anything, he works hard all day?! Let's be honest, I've had a very stressful career. It was a walk in the park compared to being a mother 24/7 to little kids.

 

I know that cooking & cleaning can be seen as 'just housework' but the truth is, doing all these little things TOGETHER offers another opportunity for intimacy. We used to talk & joke whilst doing those things. They say that if you want a young boy to open-up & share things with you, you should talk whist enjoying an activity. Marriage is much the same. Forced conversations can be taken as nag time!!

 

I hated the idea that marriage is work but at some point it really is. We were together for a very long time before we had children so we didn't reach that point for a while. Kids change EVERYTHING!! You have to choose to make time for each other. It's all too easy to let the resentments build. I would of been deeply hurt if my husband reacted that way to my photographs. I would have vowed NEVER to put the effort in again!! That's the death-nail of marriage!!

 

Sometimes you have to talk about it & then let it go. That was a one time thing. Please don't stop trying. You have a little family. I know it's exhausting & kids are all about routine. Routine is boring & depressing. You have to fight to keep things alive. Date night & romantic ideas (bath together, candle lit dinners with NO PHONE! Picnic infront of the fire once the kids are in bed. Whatever!) are essential to break the routine.

 

Best wishes. I know it's hard at times.

 

Thank you for your response. Adding kids has definitely been harder on us that we ever thought. I try to make dates and plan things that we can do without the kids around...but like I mentioned above we only have my dad who babysits so it's not very often that we get to out on our own. And my youngest is still too little to be left overnight without me there, so that's another reason why we haven't done any overnight dates recently.

 

I will suggest romantic dinners and a bath together and see what he says. I guess I just feel like I'm the one always suggesting things to do and putting in the work. Obviously he sees no issue with us if I keep having to bring up these problems I'm feeling so often. Maybe it's just an issue with myself that I need to work out then? I don't know.

 

You husband in in that phase...

 

Most men get into this, I however did not, but a ton of men do. He is comfortable.

 

You both take each other for granted and you both have to get out of it.

 

This is the subtle stuff that happens in marriage, but later it will lead to and affair for one or both of you and divorce.

 

So you will have to get him to wake up. But, you cant just bitch at him, you have to talk to him with clear needs based arguments. To get some men to wake up is so difficult but start looking for ways to explain it to him.

 

MC is a must, but you will have to "interview" several most likely, there are just a ton of horrible ones out there so you have to look hard.

 

That book that was mentioned is a good one to help with some of this, but there are several more that can help.

 

This is where you have to WORK for the marriage, and your first step is to wake hubby up or you are on your way to a divorce in the long run.

 

I honestly have no idea what else to say or do to wake him up. We have the same conversation about the same issues that I bring up all the time. It's so exhausting and it makes me feel like he doesn't really care enough to keep working on things. He'll do it for a few weeks, then something happens (we get into an argument, he gets sick, bad few days at work, etc) and then it all stops and he never picks it back up. I so badly do want to work for the marriage, I don't want to divorce which is why I keep trying to talk to him about fixing things, but I feel like it's just falling on deaf ears.

[niji]

@Calliexx: have you ever tried to not do things and just let them be a mess? I'm not married so I can't comment, but when I was growing up my mom at times would get tired of doing chores (she also worked) so at times she would just let the house get dirty, dishes undone, laundry untouched etc. My dad would be very annoyed (he's the clean/organized freak, just that he expects her to do these things), but as both of them are fairly progressive, he couldn't raise his voice to say, "Why don't you do these things?" (because then my mom would say back, You do them then), so he ended up doing them by himself. Annoyed, sure, but he ended up appreciating her more as he realized chores take time and are a pain in the behind.

 

If you work and bring home an income directly, it's easier to do said thing. However, even if you don't work, he doesn't have any rights to not help out with household stuff - it is a symbolic action, that we're in this TOGETHER. I know plenty of women out there who either bring home the only incomes, or bring home more income than their husbands. They do not sit around on the couch playing with their phones while the men do housework. Why is there double standards, and why do we allow them to perpetuate?

 

Some men say it's because they don't "do it as well". Cooking, maybe... I give them a pass. But putting clothes into a machine and press the button, or pushing the vacuum cleaner around on the carpet? If you don't know how to load clothes into a machine/which button to push, or push an automated machine around on the carpet and let it do all the work, you may not want to be married.

Edited January 29, 2017 by niji

[BluesPower]

Well you could try this...

 

You could tell him that if he does not get his head out you will go out and get laid by someone that want to take care of business...

 

No really, he is too comfortable. Will he go to MC?

 

You have to date each other in a marriage even though your married. Their has to be some spice. Some passion.

 

Keep working. It is hard but you have to keep trying.

[whichwayisup]

 

I honestly have no idea what else to say or do to wake him up. We have the same conversation about the same issues that I bring up all the time. It's so exhausting and it makes me feel like he doesn't really care enough to keep working on things. He'll do it for a few weeks, then something happens (we get into an argument, he gets sick, bad few days at work, etc) and then it all stops and he never picks it back up. I so badly do want to work for the marriage, I don't want to divorce which is why I keep trying to talk to him about fixing things, but I feel like it's just falling on deaf ears.

 

Tell him how you feel, from the heart. Tell him that you love him but you don't feel loved by him. Tell him you want a husband, not a roommate. Tell him that you want and need intimacy not just a quick bang, rollover and go to sleep. Ask him if he's happy, truly happy and ask him what you can do to meet his needs too. This is a two way street. If being honest and having a real heart to heart doesn't wake him up, I'm not sure what will. You can't threaten and divorce but you can put your foot down and encourage him to meet you half way and put more effort in and if need be, do marriage counseling.

 

Try getting a sitter other than a parent. I'm sure you have friends who use sitters, maybe find one that is highly recommended, invite her over to meet the kids a few times, go out for an hour or two and see how it goes. Then try a full evening out.

 

You and your husband have to remember what it was that made you two get married in the first place.

[Calliexx]

@Calliexx: have you ever tried to not do things and just let them be a mess? I'm not married so I can't comment, but when I was growing up my mom at times would get tired of doing chores (she also worked) so at times she would just let the house get dirty, dishes undone, laundry untouched etc. My dad would be very annoyed (he's the clean/organized freak, just that he expects her to do these things), but as both of them are fairly progressive, he couldn't raise his voice to say, "Why don't you do these things?" (because then my mom would say back, You do them then), so he ended up doing them by himself. Annoyed, sure, but he ended up appreciating her more as he realized chores take time and are a pain in the behind.

 

If you work and bring home an income directly, it's easier to do said thing. However, even if you don't work, he doesn't have any rights to not help out with household stuff - it is a symbolic action, that we're in this TOGETHER. I know plenty of women out there who either bring home the only incomes, or bring home more income than their husbands. They do not sit around on the couch playing with their phones while the men do housework. Why is there double standards, and why do we allow them to perpetuate?

 

Some men say it's because they don't "do it as well". Cooking, maybe... I give them a pass. But putting clothes into a machine and press the button, or pushing the vacuum cleaner around on the carpet? If you don't know how to load clothes into a machine/which button to push, or push an automated machine around on the carpet and let it do all the work, you may not want to be married.

 

Oh man, I'm so not that way, haha. I've tried to let the dishes sit in the sink or to let the dishwasher stay full, not do the laundry, complain I'm too tired to make dinner. But he doesn't act on any of those things. He'll let the dishes sit in the sink until they pile up and then I end up having to do them because I can't make food for the kids with dishes piled up so high. He wont put the clean dishes from the dishwasher away. He knows they're clean, but doesn't make the effort to help me and put them away. When he needs laundry done, he'll remind me to do it at like 10pm but won't do it himself during the day. I can't remember the last time he cooked something for me. I honestly try my hardest to let that stuff go...yes I'm the stay at home mom and it should be a lot of my responsibility to do those things BUT when he also doesn't show much interest in pretty much every other aspect of our marriage, that's when I'm starting to get frustrated with all of this.

 

Well you could try this...

 

You could tell him that if he does not get his head out you will go out and get laid by someone that want to take care of business...

 

No really, he is too comfortable. Will he go to MC?

 

You have to date each other in a marriage even though your married. Their has to be some spice. Some passion.

 

Keep working. It is hard but you have to keep trying.

 

I have suggested MC before, and he doesn't want to pay out of pocket for it so we haven't gone. I told him that we need to look into something because it's to help us and our marriage but he is very very uninterested in it and almost gets offended when I bring it up. He's said things like "Why are you bringing this up again? We don't need it" or "You always have to find something wrong, dont you?"

 

So I've dropped the subject.

 

Tell him how you feel, from the heart. Tell him that you love him but you don't feel loved by him. Tell him you want a husband, not a roommate. Tell him that you want and need intimacy not just a quick bang, rollover and go to sleep. Ask him if he's happy, truly happy and ask him what you can do to meet his needs too. This is a two way street. If being honest and having a real heart to heart doesn't wake him up, I'm not sure what will. You can't threaten and divorce but you can put your foot down and encourage him to meet you half way and put more effort in and if need be, do marriage counseling.

 

Try getting a sitter other than a parent. I'm sure you have friends who use sitters, maybe find one that is highly recommended, invite her over to meet the kids a few times, go out for an hour or two and see how it goes. Then try a full evening out.

 

You and your husband have to remember what it was that made you two get married in the first place.

 

I have said all of those things multiple times in many different conversations and it always leads to same thing. He apologizes for being that way, we both talk about doing better and working on things, but then after a few weeks it stops. And then we're back to square one again. I would like to get a sitter other than my dad, but I have a lot of anxiety about leaving them with someone who I've only met a few hours. That's very hard for me to do which is why we don't do many dinner dates or longer day dates.

 

I know why I married him, but after arguing about the same issues I feel like I got duped, for lack of a better word, into the marriage. I thought those things he showed me while we were dating and during the first year or so of our marriage was his true personality. That he genuinely wanted to do all of those things. Not that he did them to hook me and now he's done. Like I said, I'm not asking for anything crazy. I'm just asking for the simple little gestures that made me fall for him in the first place. A random kiss on my forehead, holding my hand while we're out. Just something to show he cared.

[NTV]

If every other time my wife and I had set she felt like she had to give me instructions then I wouldn't wanna bone her either. Your so caught up in the 'this is how to operate my body why aren't you learning? !?!' That he can't enjoy it. Stop trying to teach him. He already knows. The problem is not he doesn't know foreplay.

You think men don't enjoy and want foreplay? No kidding sending him pictures didn't work. That shows that you haven't even taken the time to ask him what his biggest sexual fantasy is. I can guarantee it isn't getting pics on the phone.

 

All these things you are complaining about.... can be lumped into the way you see it. Some where along the line here you started assuming that you know how he sees it. When that happens, you don't listen.

 

Just like you arguing with just about everyone who was responded. You don't think this has been part of every marriage? We still go through phases like this in mine.

 

So if you get one thing from my post it's to stop assuming that you know what he is thinking.

[darkmoon]

is hiss work life hell?

 

perhaps it is and he can not say, too embarassed

[Just a Guy]

Hi NTV, I guess Callie does have a problem if her husband does not pitch in and help with somethings that need doing around the house. He could help with washing dishes or with working the washing machine or with helping with the kids. I think he is expecting her to be a wife, house maid, Nanny and whatever else without lifting a little finger. Just because she stays at home and does not bring in some of the moolah does not mean he gets a free ride to do as he pleases. I guess if this continues long enough Callie just might build up enough resentment to go and have an affair. I am not saying that that would be right or justified but such an attitude on his part could lead to such a situation.

 

Callie, I wanted to ask you whether you worked before marriage and before the kids came along? If you did was your income sizeable? Is there a possibility that you can work part time and bring in some money at least for your self? I sincerely hope things ease off for you as it does seem that the current situation is untenable. The way things are going you may have to ask him for a separation to clear your head about your marriage. Warm wishes.

 

Quote

"Oh man, I'm so not that way, haha. I've tried to let the dishes sit in the sink or to let the dishwasher stay full, not do the laundry, complain I'm too tired to make dinner. But he doesn't act on any of those things. He'll let the dishes sit in the sink until they pile up and then I end up having to do them because I can't make food for the kids with dishes piled up so high. He wont put the clean dishes from the dishwasher away. He knows they're clean, but doesn't make the effort to help me and put them away. When he needs laundry done, he'll remind me to do it at like 10 pm but won't do it himself during the day. I can't remember the last time he cooked something for me. I honestly try my hardest to let that stuff go...yes I'm the stay at home mom and it should be a lot of my responsibility to do those things BUT when he also doesn't show much interest in pretty much every other aspect of our marriage, that's when I'm starting to get frustrated with all of this."

[Mr. Lucky]

I thought those things he showed me while we were dating and during the first year or so of our marriage was his true personality.

 

Chris Rock has a funny bit that says, when you're dating someone you're not dating them, you're dating their representative. I'd guess he's gotten a little too comfortable.

 

I'd be tempted to make a MC appointment and tell him "if you want to stay married, we're going". Doesn't sound like he's hearing how frustrated you are...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Calliexx]

If every other time my wife and I had set she felt like she had to give me instructions then I wouldn't wanna bone her either. Your so caught up in the 'this is how to operate my body why aren't you learning? !?!' That he can't enjoy it. Stop trying to teach him. He already knows. The problem is not he doesn't know foreplay.

You think men don't enjoy and want foreplay? No kidding sending him pictures didn't work. That shows that you haven't even taken the time to ask him what his biggest sexual fantasy is. I can guarantee it isn't getting pics on the phone.

 

All these things you are complaining about.... can be lumped into the way you see it. Some where along the line here you started assuming that you know how he sees it. When that happens, you don't listen.

 

Just like you arguing with just about everyone who was responded. You don't think this has been part of every marriage? We still go through phases like this in mine.

 

So if you get one thing from my post it's to stop assuming that you know what he is thinking.

 

I don't give him instructions every time we have sex. If he knows how to operate my body, then why hasn't he done it? Your response is assuming you know what he's thinking. You don't either. I have asked and talk to him about his sexual fantasies. Ive asked what he wants, what he likes, what he needs. He tells me nothing and says everything is perfect how it is right now! I can't do anything when I get no response. And I'm not arguing with anyone who has responded. I've answered their questions and that's all. Your post however, yes I going to argue because you're basically putting the blame on me when I've been the one TRYING to talk to him and engage with him, ask him about counseling. So I don't appreciate you placing the blame on me. I can only do so much on my end. But marriage shouldn't be a one way street. I know all marriages go through this, but it's been a few years now and I'm getting frustrated.

 

 

is hiss work life hell?

 

perhaps it is and he can not say, too embarassed

 

I don't believe so. He will vent to me and tell me about any problems he has if there are any.

 

Hi NTV, I guess Callie does have a problem if her husband does not pitch in and help with somethings that need doing around the house. He could help with washing dishes or with working the washing machine or with helping with the kids. I think he is expecting her to be a wife, house maid, Nanny and whatever else without lifting a little finger. Just because she stays at home and does not bring in some of the moolah does not mean he gets a free ride to do as he pleases. I guess if this continues long enough Callie just might build up enough resentment to go and have an affair. I am not saying that that would be right or justified but such an attitude on his part could lead to such a situation.

 

Callie, I wanted to ask you whether you worked before marriage and before the kids came along? If you did was your income sizeable? Is there a possibility that you can work part time and bring in some money at least for your self? I sincerely hope things ease off for you as it does seem that the current situation is untenable. The way things are going you may have to ask him for a separation to clear your head about your marriage. Warm wishes.

 

I think my frustration comes from everything really. A lack of help around the house and a lack of anything romantic or sweet. I don't think I would be as irritated with the situation if one of those boxes were checked. But he ignores both of those and it causes me to feel like he doesn't give a **** about anything. We're married, we have sex, have kids and that's it.

 

Chris Rock has a funny bit that says, when you're dating someone you're not dating them, you're dating their representative. I'd guess he's gotten a little too comfortable.

 

I'd be tempted to make a MC appointment and tell him "if you want to stay married, we're going". Doesn't sound like he's hearing how frustrated you are...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you. I do think he's gotten to comfortable as well and I definitely want to make a MC appointment. I might just start looking for one and go from there.

[Calliexx]

I don't want to come off as the "bitchy" wife that only complains and nags. But I don't feel like it's fair for my emotional needs to be left completely ignored and then to expect me to be cheery and lovey dovey with him. I hate even coming on here and complaining about him but I needed some other advice. I love him and I love the life we've created together and YES I know all marriages go through things like this but I don't feel it should have been going on as long as it has been, especially since I've talked to him about these feelings often. I'm just at a loss of what else to do/say to him to let him know that I do feel neglected emotionally and I miss that emotional intimacy we had together before. Is that really too much I'm asking?

[Calliexx]

Just A Guy:

 

I'm sorry I totally didn't even answer your question. I did work when we were dating but quit after my mom got sick and I had to take care of her. I made decent money but I wouldn't want to go back to that. I have wanted to work part time, but daycare is incredibly expensive and most of my check would go to that. So I wouldn't really have any extra left over.

 

I've mentioned a separation before and he was so offended and defensive about it. He's afraid if I go, I doubt come back at all. Honestly, I don't really want to do that. I just want to work on things together

[niji]

I know all marriages go through things like this but I don't feel it should have been going on as long as it has been, especially since I've talked to him about these feelings often. I'm just at a loss of what else to do/say to him to let him know that I do feel neglected emotionally and I miss that emotional intimacy we had together before. Is that really too much I'm asking?

 

I agree with you 100% - I've been in LTRs before and while I know for a fact that you're not gonna be crazy about each other forever, being roommates is the fastest road to relationship destruction. We shouldn't expect honeymoon period to last forever, but we also must put in effort (read: both people) to feel like we're still dating the person we first got together with. That's my goal, anyway. So your concern is more than valid.

 

As for the part-time work, some women just aren't meant to be SAHM - maybe you are, maybe you'll be happier working part-time. I know if I was one, I'd go crazy real fast - I need to be challenged professionally in order to feel like I didn't waste years of schooling and debt. Even if your money will go to daycare, if it helps you get out of the house, feel more confident about yourself, etc. I wouldn't rule it out. Maybe after your youngest is old enough... Plus, once they're much older you would have a much better chance at being able to work (either part-time or full-time) if you've kept up with the part-time jobs during the children rearing years.

 

Anyway, I don't know what I'm doing in a married person's thread, but I'm older than you and not married or have kids - I really admire that as a 25 year old, you're mature beyond your years. Hope you the best, and do update us.

[Calliexx]

I agree with you 100% - I've been in LTRs before and while I know for a fact that you're not gonna be crazy about each other forever, being roommates is the fastest road to relationship destruction. We shouldn't expect honeymoon period to last forever, but we also must put in effort (read: both people) to feel like we're still dating the person we first got together with. That's my goal, anyway. So your concern is more than valid.

 

As for the part-time work, some women just aren't meant to be SAHM - maybe you are, maybe you'll be happier working part-time. I know if I was one, I'd go crazy real fast - I need to be challenged professionally in order to feel like I didn't waste years of schooling and debt. Even if your money will go to daycare, if it helps you get out of the house, feel more confident about yourself, etc. I wouldn't rule it out. Maybe after your youngest is old enough... Plus, once they're much older you would have a much better chance at being able to work (either part-time or full-time) if you've kept up with the part-time jobs during the children rearing years.

 

Anyway, I don't know what I'm doing in a married person's thread, but I'm older than you and not married or have kids - I really admire that as a 25 year old, you're mature beyond your years. Hope you the best, and do update us.

 

Thank you for the compliment.

 

I don't mind being a SAHM, it's not awful. But yeah it does get a little tiresome at times. I wouldn't mind going to work part time, but it's hard here because child care is just so much compared to what I would make at a random part time job. I have thought about and we've talked about it but it's just really hard to do at this moment, especially because they're still pretty little. But once they're in school, like you said I wouldn't mind looking for a little something to do.

[Jump Through Loops]

I've mentioned a separation before and he was so offended and defensive about it. He's afraid if I go, I doubt come back at all. Honestly, I don't really want to do that. I just want to work on things together

 

When did you bring up separation and are you aware of how it affected him deep down. I mean, really deep down??

For some it's pretty hard to take when you're feeling comfortable and believe everything is all hunky dory in the relationship and then totally out of the blue your partner hits you with separation.Ouch!

 

 

I'm guessing your H started to knuckle under afterward, yes? But in a short while ended up retreating worse than before?

[sandylee1]

I agree that if he knew what gets you going in bed, he'd do it. I think it's laziness on his part and him being more focused on his own satisfaction.

 

Having young children is a very testing time in a marriage and the problem is that a great deal of men don't see that being a SAHM is hard work and is exhausting.

 

So the fact is, you've been doing a whole day's work with the kids and you continue with cooking and washing up when he gets home. Your day never ends. This is what makes a lot of women feel unappreciated.

 

My husband thought being at home with the kids was a doddle. I was called a lady of leisure. Said as a joke, but that's what he thought.

 

I recommend a book called the 5 love languages, so you can both understand each others love language.

 

The problem is that he doesn't see any issues in the marriage and this is one of the many reasons women stray from a marriage.

 

Can you and the kids get away for a week or so, to get a break from him? Stay with a relative maybe? He might just appreciate what you do when you aren't there.

[Henryboatsmith]

You have a normal stable marriage. All the stuff you claim you want that is missing is a fairy tale. You are believing a bunch of lies the romance industry fed you. Nobody gets the giddiness they had when they were dating. Things were simpler then. Now you have jobs & kids.

 

 

She's a pop psychologist but Dr. Laura wrote a book about the care & feeding of a marriage. It has some sexist garbage in it but at ground it's about appreciating your husband for being there, for putting food on the table, for being a good, honest, decent, hardworking man.

 

 

Wind yourself up if you have to but don't chuck your whole marriage because you don't get goosebumps anymore. All you will do is end up another single mom who can't find a decent man because you claim they all view your kids as baggage.

 

 

I believe in marriage & commitment. You took vows. Honor them. Find reasons to stay. What's out there isn't as good as what you have. The secret to happiness is appreciating what you have & stop looking for the next thing.

 

 

I've been married a long time 35 years next month. I can say that from an early age I was taught to never stop "courting" my woman. I work, she works, she cooks, I clean, I take care of the house and vehicles, she takes care of the bills etc. we have joint accounts, nothing separate. Every Wednesday I make sure to bring her fresh flowers and she appreciates my efforts. I listen and sometimes it's hard...same old-same old but it's a commitment and it goes both ways. There is something wrong in this relationship and from what I've read he has emotionally checked out. Be smart, check his social media...cell phone and Facebook etc. he has something distracting him. You are 25 and he shows you little if any affection. Red flag. He won't hold your hand, snuggle and is on his cell too often...red flag. You can easily get cell phone bills and check his texts and who he's been in contact with. I'm a realist, so you will hear from me brutal honesty. Prepare yourself for the worst but accuse him of nothing. Do not accept this as the norm. You are more deserving than what you've been given. Keep us informed. Don't let the fairy tale thing throw you. It's not normal. Lazy men will not agree with me but that's because they're lazy.

[Grumpybutfun]

I've been married a long time 35 years next month. I can say that from an early age I was taught to never stop "courting" my woman. I work, she works, she cooks, I clean, I take care of the house and vehicles, she takes care of the bills etc. we have joint accounts, nothing separate. Every Wednesday I make sure to bring her fresh flowers and she appreciates my efforts. I listen and sometimes it's hard...same old-same old but it's a commitment and it goes both ways. There is something wrong in this relationship and from what I've read he has emotionally checked out. Be smart, check his social media...cell phone and Facebook etc. he has something distracting him. You are 25 and he shows you little if any affection. Red flag. He won't hold your hand, snuggle and is on his cell too often...red flag. You can easily get cell phone bills and check his texts and who he's been in contact with. I'm a realist, so you will hear from me brutal honesty. Prepare yourself for the worst but accuse him of nothing. Do not accept this as the norm. You are more deserving than what you've been given. Keep us informed. Don't let the fairy tale thing throw you. It's not normal. Lazy men will not agree with me but that's because they're lazy.

 

Completely agree. Fairytale might not be the right term, but a healthy inclusive marriage built on small acts of kindness and care is definitely doable even with small children. We had three. Both worked. We both made a conscious effort to put our marriage and children first.

Do not let anyone tell you that kindness and a great sex life is something to not expect after the honeymoon period. We have been married for 23 years and it is just as flush as it was when we met, if not more so. You get what you expect in life so expect more. Go to PC by yourself, figure out what you need and ask for it. If he is invested in his family, his life with you, he will work on this marriage before it implodes and you wake up one day and feel nothing but numb, which is what happens to neglected marriages.

Good luck, this is not an unobtainable goal, nor is it wrong to want. Your marriage to be intimate and affectionate.

Grumps