Husband doesn't give me butterflies anymore...

[Grumpybutfun]

I've been married a long time 35 years next month. I can say that from an early age I was taught to never stop "courting" my woman. I work, she works, she cooks, I clean, I take care of the house and vehicles, she takes care of the bills etc. we have joint accounts, nothing separate. Every Wednesday I make sure to bring her fresh flowers and she appreciates my efforts. I listen and sometimes it's hard...same old-same old but it's a commitment and it goes both ways. There is something wrong in this relationship and from what I've read he has emotionally checked out. Be smart, check his social media...cell phone and Facebook etc. he has something distracting him. You are 25 and he shows you little if any affection. Red flag. He won't hold your hand, snuggle and is on his cell too often...red flag. You can easily get cell phone bills and check his texts and who he's been in contact with. I'm a realist, so you will hear from me brutal honesty. Prepare yourself for the worst but accuse him of nothing. Do not accept this as the norm. You are more deserving than what you've been given. Keep us informed. Don't let the fairy tale thing throw you. It's not normal. Lazy men will not agree with me but that's because they're lazy.

 

Completely agree. Fairytale might not be the right term, but a healthy inclusive marriage built on small acts of kindness and care is definitely doable even with small children. We had three. Both worked. We both made a conscious effort to put our marriage and children first.

Do not let anyone tell you that kindness and a great sex life is something to not expect after the honeymoon period. We have been married for 23 years and it is just as flush as it was when we met, if not more so. You get what you expect in life so expect more. Go to PC by yourself, figure out what you need and ask for it. If he is invested in his family, his life with you, he will work on this marriage before it implodes and you wake up one day and feel nothing but numb, which is what happens to neglected marriages.

Good luck, this is not an unobtainable goal, nor is it wrong to want. Your marriage to be intimate and affectionate.

Grumps

[Mr. Lucky]

You get what you expect in life so expect more. Go to PC by yourself, figure out what you need and ask for it. If he is invested in his family, his life with you, he will work on this marriage before it implodes and you wake up one day and feel nothing but numb, which is what happens to neglected marriages.

Good luck, this is not an unobtainable goal, nor is it wrong to want. Your marriage to be intimate and affectionate.

 

Amen. I'll just add, along with expecting more, be prepared to give more. Best investment you can make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

Everything in life changes & adapts...marriage & relationships are absolutely no different. It's peaks & valleys & right now you're in a valley. You can separate but you'll find you're going to go through valleys with another partner, then what are you going to do? Separate every time you stop feeling butterflies for your partner?

 

You're both young, have a young kid & it's a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner. Should he help, yes, should be a little more into you, yes but a marriage isn't going to be happy, everyday, all day forever. I've yet to meet the couple (I come from a huge family with no divorce) that's in "love" everyday. They love each other but that I love feeling, comes & goes through the years.

 

My H & I were extremely young when we had a baby & married...when my oldest was 3 months old, I became so fed up that one day, I handed him the baby & left for the weekend. Told him "don't call me unless it's life or death" & went to visit my friends in college. Best decision I ever made...he has been the best dad since that weekend. He told me he needed that, to know how it is to what I did for her & at home....maybe that's the jolt your H needs, to see what your life is like. Leave him the kid & go have a fun weekend & recharge yourself, good luck:)

[Calliexx]

When did you bring up separation and are you aware of how it affected him deep down. I mean, really deep down??

For some it's pretty hard to take when you're feeling comfortable and believe everything is all hunky dory in the relationship and then totally out of the blue your partner hits you with separation.Ouch!

 

 

I'm guessing your H started to knuckle under afterward, yes? But in a short while ended up retreating worse than before?

 

I brought it up a while ago but that was already when we were having issues with stuff. He didnt get worse after that, he started to work on things but then after a little bit went back to how things have been.

 

I agree that if he knew what gets you going in bed, he'd do it. I think it's laziness on his part and him being more focused on his own satisfaction.

 

Having young children is a very testing time in a marriage and the problem is that a great deal of men don't see that being a SAHM is hard work and is exhausting.

 

So the fact is, you've been doing a whole day's work with the kids and you continue with cooking and washing up when he gets home. Your day never ends. This is what makes a lot of women feel unappreciated.

 

My husband thought being at home with the kids was a doddle. I was called a lady of leisure. Said as a joke, but that's what he thought.

 

I recommend a book called the 5 love languages, so you can both understand each others love language.

 

The problem is that he doesn't see any issues in the marriage and this is one of the many reasons women stray from a marriage.

 

Can you and the kids get away for a week or so, to get a break from him? Stay with a relative maybe? He might just appreciate what you do when you aren't there.

 

Thank you! We've read the book before and actually went to a couples retreat that talked about the book when I was pregnant with our daughter, but I'm sure we've forgotten a lot about it by now. I'll have to start having us read it again.

 

The frustrating part to me is that whenever we do have talks about the issues, he says he knows there are problems and he knows he's been lazy. He always promises to work on stuff and fix it but it never lasts. We do SO well when we're both putting in the effort and I can see a huge difference in the way we act towards each other...but something happens and it just stops. I hate having to have these talks about the same things over and over and over.

 

The kids definitely have made it harder to get away for dates, but they both sleep well at night. My youngest wakes usually once a night so we have the whole beginning portion of the night to be romantic together. But it never happens.

 

I don't think we can. Only place is my dads house but my brother lives there and there isn't room for me and 2 kids plus my brother. When I brought up separation a few months ago, I had asked him if HE could stay with a friend for a week or so but he refused to leave. I hate uprooting the kids.

 

I've been married a long time 35 years next month. I can say that from an early age I was taught to never stop "courting" my woman. I work, she works, she cooks, I clean, I take care of the house and vehicles, she takes care of the bills etc. we have joint accounts, nothing separate. Every Wednesday I make sure to bring her fresh flowers and she appreciates my efforts. I listen and sometimes it's hard...same old-same old but it's a commitment and it goes both ways. There is something wrong in this relationship and from what I've read he has emotionally checked out. Be smart, check his social media...cell phone and Facebook etc. he has something distracting him. You are 25 and he shows you little if any affection. Red flag. He won't hold your hand, snuggle and is on his cell too often...red flag. You can easily get cell phone bills and check his texts and who he's been in contact with. I'm a realist, so you will hear from me brutal honesty. Prepare yourself for the worst but accuse him of nothing. Do not accept this as the norm. You are more deserving than what you've been given. Keep us informed. Don't let the fairy tale thing throw you. It's not normal. Lazy men will not agree with me but that's because they're lazy.

 

That's so sweet. He used to be so good with "courting" me when we first got married. But after kids it just kind of stopped. We're both busy and tired, and I understand that part but I still miss all of those little things he used to do.

 

I have checked his phone, email, texts, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. A few years ago he did have some issues with texting and talk to other women but I caught him and he hasn't done it since.

 

Completely agree. Fairytale might not be the right term, but a healthy inclusive marriage built on small acts of kindness and care is definitely doable even with small children. We had three. Both worked. We both made a conscious effort to put our marriage and children first.

Do not let anyone tell you that kindness and a great sex life is something to not expect after the honeymoon period. We have been married for 23 years and it is just as flush as it was when we met, if not more so. You get what you expect in life so expect more. Go to PC by yourself, figure out what you need and ask for it. If he is invested in his family, his life with you, he will work on this marriage before it implodes and you wake up one day and feel nothing but numb, which is what happens to neglected marriages.

Good luck, this is not an unobtainable goal, nor is it wrong to want. Your marriage to be intimate and affectionate.

Grumps

 

I totally am not expecting or wanting a fairytale. I know that is unrealistic. But just like you said, there really is no excuse to not make an effort to keep working on the marriage and keep things "fresh", for lack of a better word. I just don't want to feel like an after thought. I hate having to remind my HUSBAND to be sweet to me. It hurts that I even have to do that.

 

Amen. I'll just add, along with expecting more, be prepared to give more. Best investment you can make...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree 100%

[niji]

I have checked his phone, email, texts, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. A few years ago he did have some issues with texting and talk to other women but I caught him and he hasn't done it since.

 

More than one woman? This is alarming. Were the conversations inappropriate? Who are these women? How did he know them? This part is alarming.

[Calliexx]

Everything in life changes & adapts...marriage & relationships are absolutely no different. It's peaks & valleys & right now you're in a valley. You can separate but you'll find you're going to go through valleys with another partner, then what are you going to do? Separate every time you stop feeling butterflies for your partner?

 

You're both young, have a young kid & it's a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner. Should he help, yes, should be a little more into you, yes but a marriage isn't going to be happy, everyday, all day forever. I've yet to meet the couple (I come from a huge family with no divorce) that's in "love" everyday. They love each other but that I love feeling, comes & goes through the years.

 

My H & I were extremely young when we had a baby & married...when my oldest was 3 months old, I became so fed up that one day, I handed him the baby & left for the weekend. Told him "don't call me unless it's life or death" & went to visit my friends in college. Best decision I ever made...he has been the best dad since that weekend. He told me he needed that, to know how it is to what I did for her & at home....maybe that's the jolt your H needs, to see what your life is like. Leave him the kid & go have a fun weekend & recharge yourself, good luck:)

 

Thank you for that new perspective. I know I don't want to separate/divorce him. I really do love him...he's a great father and he CAN be a great husband when we really works on things. I know it's not going to be a perfect marriage 24/7 but I feel like we've been in the valley for a while now. I would love to get away for a little bit to maybe try and shock him a little bit, but I have no idea where I'd go or what I'd do. I also feel like he'd freak out and go crazy worrying what I'm doing or where I am.

[Calliexx]

More than one woman? This is alarming. Were the conversations inappropriate? Who are these women? How did he know them? This part is alarming.

 

Yeah. A few months after my daughter was born I caught him texting another woman. He was calling her 'baby', 'babe', she had no idea he was married. He was asking for photos of her. I had also found on his phone a kik account where he was also talking to people on there. I don't remember if that was before or after the texting with the other woman. Anyways, I caught him and basically was going to take my daughter and go stay with my dad. He apologized, cried, and swore to never do it again. I told him if I ever caught him talking to another woman I would up and leave. No questions. He hasn't done anything since. At least nothing from when I've searched through his phone and emails

[Calliexx]

I have no idea how he knew them. But he said he did it because we were going through pretty much the same issues we are now. He wasn't getting sex often (my daughter was only 3months at the time and slept horribly so of course sex wasn't often), he said he felt neglected basically

[BettyDraper]

I think you need to end your marriage. Your husband has shown that he has no intention of staying faithful to you.

Based on his offer to leave, it seems like he wants you to catch him cheating so that he has an excuse to walk away.

 

Your husband talks to other women in an inappropriate manner, he kissed your sister and he offered to divorce you.

I'm not sure what else needs to occur to make you realize that marrying your husband was a big mistake.

[Henryboatsmith]

Ok. Can I suggest that you completely stop him in his tracks. Don't give him an out. If you have to physically hold his hands do so. And have the most important talk with him. Tell him how you feel, how his actions and lack of actions are tearing the two of you apart. Tell him you fear but would count out a divorce. Do not suggest a separation because that is an excuse to stray. Sit him down and ask him straight forward if he wants to end the relationship. Do use the d word. Use relationship. Explain how alone you feel and how neglected, and taken for granted you feel. Don't get really confrontational because his defense will go up. Say "I feel" not "you make me feel". Think about what you want to ask, and more importantly what you want. Then start a plan that could get you from where you are now to where you want not be. Baby steps. Perhaps sleeping in different rooms. Make him desire you. Make him long for you. But talk to him. You deserve this. Give it everything youve got and make sure he recognizes how desperate you are

[Calliexx]

I think you need to end your marriage. Your husband has shown that he has no intention of staying faithful to you.

Based on his offer to leave, it seems like he wants you to catch him cheating so that he has an excuse to walk away.

 

Your husband talks to other women in an inappropriate manner, he kissed your sister and he offered to divorce you.

I'm not sure what else needs to occur to make you realize that marrying your husband was a big mistake.

 

 

I think you might have posted in the wrong thread since I don't have a sister

 

Ok. Can I suggest that you completely stop him in his tracks. Don't give him an out. If you have to physically hold his hands do so. And have the most important talk with him. Tell him how you feel, how his actions and lack of actions are tearing the two of you apart. Tell him you fear but would count out a divorce. Do not suggest a separation because that is an excuse to stray. Sit him down and ask him straight forward if he wants to end the relationship. Do use the d word. Use relationship. Explain how alone you feel and how neglected, and taken for granted you feel. Don't get really confrontational because his defense will go up. Say "I feel" not "you make me feel". Think about what you want to ask, and more importantly what you want. Then start a plan that could get you from where you are now to where you want not be. Baby steps. Perhaps sleeping in different rooms. Make him desire you. Make him long for you. But talk to him. You deserve this. Give it everything youve got and make sure he recognizes how desperate you are

 

Thank you. If it continues I will have a serious sit down with him and talk about everything.

[BettyDraper]

I think you might have posted in the wrong thread since I don't have a sister

 

 

 

Thank you. If it continues I will have a serious sit down with him and talk about everything.

 

Wow...you're right. I'm so sorry.

[GunslingerRoland]

It seems like your expectations probably aren't realistic, but what he's giving you isn't reasonable either. You guys should have times of the day where you are able to talk without him being on his phone. But at the same time, if you are just watching TV, I'm not sure I see the big deal. (I almost always am doing something on my phone while I watch TV, otherwise I will fall asleep)

 

You guys should still be going on dates, and holding hands, kissing is important. But at the same time, it sounds like you are looking for sweep you off your feet romance all the time... that sounds emotionally exhausting, having to keep win you over all of the time.

[Lilyana76]

Ok, I've been thinking of this post for a long time. Love is an ever changing emotion, people think that you will have "butterflies" forever. In reality, that never happens.

 

When you first fall in love, you can’t take your eyes off each other. New love is raw and fiery and thrilling. It is all-consuming. You gleefully spend all your time discovering everything you can about each other—your favorite books, how you like your eggs, memories of childhood, your most embarrassing moment.

 

And then, without even realizing it, you move on to the real unknowns: what kind of life you want to live, how you want to raise children (or if you even want to have them), how you communicate, how you show your love, how you say I’m sorry. Because if you agree on the Big Stuff, then everything else is just gravy.

 

As time passes, love becomes softer. You sink into its comfort, its constancy. You know each other’s fears. You know each other’s faults and you forgive them. You know each other’s weaknesses and you give them safe harbor.

 

It’s true—you don’t get butterflies in your stomach every time you see each other. But those butterflies have been replaced by a warmth that is so much better, so much more fulfilling, so much bigger.

 

Somewhere along the way, the idea of a softer, gentler love became synonymous with boring. It became the punchline of cocktail party jokes and New Yorker cartoons. But the truth is, there’s nothing boring about it. Because when you think about it—when you really think about it—that’s the kind of love that we all crave.

 

Sure, the butterflies are kinda fun and you still have them from time to time. But guess what, you don’t care about when your kid is throwing up at 3:00 am. Whether the guy who’s holding your baby over the toilet makes your stomach do flip-flops every time you look at him. Trust me, your stomach is already flip-flopping enough at that point. What makes your heart swell is that he picked up a bottle of Clorox and started scrubbing the tiles while you changed the sheets for the fifth time.

 

Real love—seasoned love—isn’t the excitement that you feel on a third date. It isn’t the fire that keeps you awake at night counting the minutes until you see each other again. And it surely isn’t butterflies in your stomach. Don’t get me wrong – those are all great things. But they aren’t love.

 

And we have to stop thinking they are.

[Whoknew30]

Thank you for that new perspective. I know I don't want to separate/divorce him. I really do love him...he's a great father and he CAN be a great husband when we really works on things. I know it's not going to be a perfect marriage 24/7 but I feel like we've been in the valley for a while now. I would love to get away for a little bit to maybe try and shock him a little bit, but I have no idea where I'd go or what I'd do. I also feel like he'd freak out and go crazy worrying what I'm doing or where I am.

 

Let him freak out a bit! That's how men sometimes learn,by actions not words...sometimes men need that. Go see family, book a spa weekend, whatever it is! Even if it's for a night.

[aileD]

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=SFHWn46LRio

 

This helped me understand how butterfly is different from mature love

[aileD]

Let him freak out a bit! That's how men sometimes learn,by actions not words...sometimes men need that. Go see family, book a spa weekend, whatever it is! Even if it's for a night.

 

I'd advise against manipulative behavior. It causes resentments

[NTV]

Alright so I did speak. .. err write. .. A little harsh on my first response.

 

There is one thing I'd like to point out as you're figuring all this out: no emotion is permanent.

 

Also, based on your description of him it kinda sounds like he's fighting depression. For folks in your and his situation it's really easy to get bogged down with the 'this is my life now 《sigh》' thinking.

 

Do you keep a journal? It might help, especially if you can look back and figure out what happens right before the days he treats you how you want. Dumb example, but... what if he brings flowers the day after you cook his favorite meal?

 

Also, for me specifically, when I do the stuff like you're talking about with/for my wife, it's because I feel Inspired to do it. Sometimes I can link it to specific times of the year or the passing impact of a new song or movie or sometimes it's reaction to stuff she does... sometimes something as simple as her being happy I came home (and I don't mean 'thank god you're here! Here hold the baby. ' happy lol.) More over my wife could talk and talk and talk about it all day long but if I don't feel inspired then it ain't happening.

 

As far as the non grand romantic gestures, I do also see that the more consideration she gives me the more I give her.

 

Idk. Hope that helps.

[Whoknew30]

I'd advise against manipulative behavior. It causes resentments

 

It's not manipulative for a woman to go away for a night to teach her husband a lesson...not by any means!!! It will show him what she does all day with no help & how lonely it can be.

 

If he resents being at home with his kid & seeing how it really is, than that's a man (in general, not this husband) that one shouldn't be married to.

[Calliexx]

It seems like your expectations probably aren't realistic, but what he's giving you isn't reasonable either. You guys should have times of the day where you are able to talk without him being on his phone. But at the same time, if you are just watching TV, I'm not sure I see the big deal. (I almost always am doing something on my phone while I watch TV, otherwise I will fall asleep)

 

You guys should still be going on dates, and holding hands, kissing is important. But at the same time, it sounds like you are looking for sweep you off your feet romance all the time... that sounds emotionally exhausting, having to keep win you over all of the time.

 

I'm fine with being on the phone while watching tv, but while we're on dates, if I'm talking to him about the kids, our days, etc he shouldn't be on his phone. I don't want him to win me over 24/7, but I also don't like feeling ignored. Like I said before I don't want to be a baggy wife, so I haven't brought this up in a while to him. I'm just kind of letting it be for right now.

 

Ok, I've been thinking of this post for a long time. Love is an ever changing emotion, people think that you will have "butterflies" forever. In reality, that never happens.

 

When you first fall in love, you can’t take your eyes off each other. New love is raw and fiery and thrilling. It is all-consuming. You gleefully spend all your time discovering everything you can about each other—your favorite books, how you like your eggs, memories of childhood, your most embarrassing moment.

 

And then, without even realizing it, you move on to the real unknowns: what kind of life you want to live, how you want to raise children (or if you even want to have them), how you communicate, how you show your love, how you say I’m sorry. Because if you agree on the Big Stuff, then everything else is just gravy.

 

As time passes, love becomes softer. You sink into its comfort, its constancy. You know each other’s fears. You know each other’s faults and you forgive them. You know each other’s weaknesses and you give them safe harbor.

 

It’s true—you don’t get butterflies in your stomach every time you see each other. But those butterflies have been replaced by a warmth that is so much better, so much more fulfilling, so much bigger.

 

Somewhere along the way, the idea of a softer, gentler love became synonymous with boring. It became the punchline of cocktail party jokes and New Yorker cartoons. But the truth is, there’s nothing boring about it. Because when you think about it—when you really think about it—that’s the kind of love that we all crave.

 

Sure, the butterflies are kinda fun and you still have them from time to time. But guess what, you don’t care about when your kid is throwing up at 3:00 am. Whether the guy who’s holding your baby over the toilet makes your stomach do flip-flops every time you look at him. Trust me, your stomach is already flip-flopping enough at that point. What makes your heart swell is that he picked up a bottle of Clorox and started scrubbing the tiles while you changed the sheets for the fifth time.

 

Real love—seasoned love—isn’t the excitement that you feel on a third date. It isn’t the fire that keeps you awake at night counting the minutes until you see each other again. And it surely isn’t butterflies in your stomach. Don’t get me wrong – those are all great things. But they aren’t love.

 

And we have to stop thinking they are.

 

I love that, thank you. I agree with you 100%. I love that he's an amazing father and he does help with all of those things. Those things make me feel lucky to have married him. Compared to my other girlfriends, he's a way more involved dad than any of their husbands and for that I feel really happy to be with him.

 

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=SFHWn46LRio

 

This helped me understand how butterfly is different from mature love

 

Thank you! I'll watch that later

[Calliexx]

Alright so I did speak. .. err write. .. A little harsh on my first response.

 

There is one thing I'd like to point out as you're figuring all this out: no emotion is permanent.

 

Also, based on your description of him it kinda sounds like he's fighting depression. For folks in your and his situation it's really easy to get bogged down with the 'this is my life now 《sigh》' thinking.

 

Do you keep a journal? It might help, especially if you can look back and figure out what happens right before the days he treats you how you want. Dumb example, but... what if he brings flowers the day after you cook his favorite meal?

 

Also, for me specifically, when I do the stuff like you're talking about with/for my wife, it's because I feel Inspired to do it. Sometimes I can link it to specific times of the year or the passing impact of a new song or movie or sometimes it's reaction to stuff she does... sometimes something as simple as her being happy I came home (and I don't mean 'thank god you're here! Here hold the baby. ' happy lol.) More over my wife could talk and talk and talk about it all day long but if I don't feel inspired then it ain't happening.

 

As far as the non grand romantic gestures, I do also see that the more consideration she gives me the more I give her.

 

Idk. Hope that helps.

 

 

Thanks for re explaining. Sorry if I was snippy in my response to your last comment but I just don't want it to seem like I'm nagging him and begging for unattainable marriage goals. I'm really just asking for the littlest things "I'm thinking of you things".

 

I'm not really sure if he has depression. He doesn't act like it at home, at least to me. He's generally happy and content with where we are in our life. At least that's the impression I get from him.

 

He does get me flowers occasionally. MOST of the time it's after a fight or whatever. But occasionally it's because he wanted to and I appreciate that a lot.

 

I've been trying to make more of his favorite meals, I leave him notes on his lunches that he takes to work, I ask him what he wants more of in bed, I have been trying to get into more of his favorite TV shows, etc. I am trying to do what I can on my part.

[aileD]

It's not manipulative for a woman to go away for a night to teach her husband a lesson...not by any means!!! It will show him what she does all day with no help & how lonely it can be.

 

If he resents being at home with his kid & seeing how it really is, than that's a man (in general, not this husband) that one shouldn't be married to.

 

 

Of course it's ok to go away for a night, I thought you meant to leave for a night and not tell him where you went to make him worry about you and freak out. That would be manipulative