Ruffian1 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 You won't tell her the truth because you are scared he will leave you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 You are right. I want to tell her. So that she will leave us alone. I dont know. What am i doing. I know he is a type that will just take whatever given. Thats why he is fine when she decided to leave nor she decided to come back. Thats why im afraid to leave too. He will just let me leave....what should i do... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 You are right. I want to tell her. So that she will leave us alone. I dont know. What am i doing. I know he is a type that will just take whatever given. Thats why he is fine when she decided to leave nor she decided to come back. Thats why im afraid to leave too. He will just let me leave....what should i do... He is dicking you both you around. Partial truths, omitting truths and a bit of lying too. Does he truly make you happy? From what you've said so far and the feeling I get from your posts is, you're miserable. Scared to let go, scared of the unknown, scared of being on your own without a man. I say END it with him and walk away. Rely on your friends and trusted family members to help you through this. And get counseling. This guy is selfish and if he could continue having two women meet all his needs, that's the road he's going to take. He isn't committed to you at all and he's not committed to his wife either. They have kids together so they are tied to another on some level for life, you don't have kids with him, you aren't his wife therefore there's no reason for you to hang onto him. Cut your losses, grieve and cry it out. If you stay, you lose. He'll hurt you and you'll be in a constant state of anxiety and wondering if you can trust him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 He is dicking you both you around. Partial truths, omitting truths and a bit of lying too. Does he truly make you happy? From what you've said so far and the feeling I get from your posts is, you're miserable. Scared to let go, scared of the unknown, scared of being on your own without a man. I say END it with him and walk away. Rely on your friends and trusted family members to help you through this. And get counseling. This guy is selfish and if he could continue having two women meet all his needs, that's the road he's going to take. He isn't committed to you at all and he's not committed to his wife either. They have kids together so they are tied to another on some level for life, you don't have kids with him, you aren't his wife therefore there's no reason for you to hang onto him. Cut your losses, grieve and cry it out. If you stay, you lose. He'll hurt you and you'll be in a constant state of anxiety and wondering if you can trust him. Thank you...i have to admit the truth of your words. Everyday im stuck reading my own post waiting for more comments telling me what i should do. Yes. At the moment my life is miserable. I fell like i am defending a stupid relationship. Im hurthing myself and the wife too. I know she had no choice to accept him back, truly, for the sake of the kids. I just felt like i had commited a lot and i shouldnt let go. I started as a secret. And if this continues..he gonna fix his relationship with his wife and i will again be a secret as he told her i am no longer with him...it does feel miserable..to see someone u love giving u up... Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 You've had a lot of history with this man ice, but he has had more with his wife. It's highly unlikely if you tell that she will give him the boot once and for all. If she's willing to reconcile after 3 years, he will go back. Or worse, play you both. Well, kind of like what he's doing now. You may not be strong enough to walk away now (I so get that) but there will a day where one player in this card game throws in their hand....and it won't be him. You know what you have to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 (edited) Why don't you re-read that part where He keeps his conversations with her private so he won't hurt you. SMH. if your daughter came to you with the story, what would you tell her? You invested a lot in this relationship. Not him. Yes he left his wife, but wanted to get back with her as soon as possible. He knows you're expandable. You'll always come back. "Many a false step was made by standing still." Edited February 8, 2017 by BuddyX Grammar 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Hello everyone..its me again..just to update...im still hanging on with him..he hurt me bad this time..we were at the point where he willing to let me go..he said he loves me but he has to do what he needs to. He need to make sure his kids grow up properly. I said i understand and agree to leave. Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone.. And in the end...we decided to be together in this city and he can resume to his fixed family in hometown...his mother give her consent too...she said if we really cant be apart...then do it carefully...they are planning for wedding re-vow, she purposely text me to invite me to the church...little did she knows we are still together. She insulted me in her text. I cried at night and he found out about what she had texted me. He hug me and keep saying sorry..he cant fight for me. But he cried too...its just bad and confusing..he loves me and his children so he is stuck with her and me...and i couldnt move on..cos i dont know how to.... Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 He made his choice and it was not you OP, sorry. This is disturbing on many levels. He is renewing his vows it doesn't get more obvious than that IMO. Play that over in your mind. You are in a worse position than being alone, you are the other women. This is selfish and downright cruel on his part to still attempt to keep you in his life. Again, he made his choice, you are worth much more than this and he is no partner to you, take your power back, move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Stay for what?.. leave already. Rinse repeat is what you will get if you stay. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 they are planning for wedding re-vow, she purposely text me to invite me to the church...little did she knows we are still together. She insulted me in her text. I cried at night and he found out about what she had texted me. He hug me and keep saying sorry..he cant fight for me. But he cried too...its just bad and confusing..he loves me and his children so he is stuck with her and me...and i couldnt move on..cos i dont know how to.... I can't even imagine the pain you must have felt from this. I'm saying this as a fOW, but also just as a human being: you need to pull away from this man. I don't know what he feels for you. Maybe love. But I think it's unspeakably cruel and selfish for someone to say they love you and then ask you to permanently be their mistress. And don't kid yourself, that is what he wants. He is renewing his vows with his wife, he's gotten his mother's approval. You are to be, permanently, an other woman. To me, this isn't, can't be, love. If you love someone, you want them to be happy. You want them to have self-confidence and self-esteem, and find a person who can love them fully and completely. You don't ask them to put their life on hold and go through cycle after cycle of pain simply because you are too selfish to let go. I have been lucky in my life to have felt real love. Real love doesn't always work out (I'm close friends with both of my ex LT partners), but we let each other go when we needed to *because* we loved each other. Because it would have too selfish to do otherwise. That is what your xMM should be doing. And if he can't, you must do it yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Hello everyone..its me again..just to update...im still hanging on with him..he hurt me bad this time..we were at the point where he willing to let me go..he said he loves me but he has to do what he needs to. He need to make sure his kids grow up properly. I said i understand and agree to leave. Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone.. Re-read the part that I bolded. It is beyond insulting. It's all about him. You are essentially an unpaid maid and bed partner. You deserve better, you owe yourself more than this. I don't know how much clearer he could be about his priorities. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone.. ------ And honestly, I think the above gets at why MOST xMM don't leave their wife, but don't want to let the OW go either. They aren't entirely happy, don't really know how to fix it, sometimes even would like to leave their marriage. But, no matter what, they are terrified of being alone. So stay in a sort of no-man's land, trying to fill the gaps with OW while not having to face any loneliness at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Serendipity55 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone.. ------ And honestly, I think the above gets at why MOST xMM don't leave their wife, but don't want to let the OW go either. They aren't entirely happy, don't really know how to fix it, sometimes even would like to leave their marriage. But, no matter what, they are terrified of being alone. So stay in a sort of no-man's land, trying to fill the gaps with OW while not having to face any loneliness at all. @FoundMyStrength - you're very perceptive and sound very strong...reading your words is so helpful. How did you move on from the cycle you describe if you don't mind me asking? Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Please clarify: did you divorce your husband? Has he moved on with his life? Finally do you have children? Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone.. ------ I read this differently, that he was concerned she'd be alone. Why would he be alone? Presumably he was going to go back to his family. Could be wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Thank you...i have to admit the truth of your words. Everyday im stuck reading my own post waiting for more comments telling me what i should do. Yes. At the moment my life is miserable. I fell like i am defending a stupid relationship. Im hurthing myself and the wife too. I know she had no choice to accept him back, truly, for the sake of the kids. I just felt like i had commited a lot and i shouldnt let go. I started as a secret. And if this continues..he gonna fix his relationship with his wife and i will again be a secret as he told her i am no longer with him...it does feel miserable..to see someone u love giving u up... Would you "stay"' with him if he went back to his wife? You can do better. You deserve better. Be strong on your own... this guy is a douche and the women in his life let him do it. I would rather be alone than with a guy like him. Yet, I know those stupid things called feelings get in the way. Counseling an option? I think when we have love for ourselves, these types of men become unworthy of us (I'm working on that too). Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Then halfway he texted no, if u leave who will take care of me..i will be eating alone sleeping alone doing everything alone.. Ok If he meant He will be alone in this sentence, then you should charge him for this arrangement, because that is all it is , a hidden arrangement. If he meant You would be alone, are you that desperate? Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I read this differently, that he was concerned she'd be alone. Why would he be alone? Presumably he was going to go back to his family. Could be wrong... I think the OP and MM both got jobs in another city and lived together there for a while (year-plus). I got the impression from the update that MM wants to live with OP in the new city while still being back with his family part-time in the old city. So he'd be alone in new city without her. But I'm not really sure, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Please clarify: did you divorce your husband? Has he moved on with his life? Finally do you have children? I havent divorce too. Seeing his action im scared if i divorce before him, im making myself a fool. I has a daughter of 2. He met her before and he likes her. But today his decision of reconcile with his wife and want me to accept the situation, push me to no where to go but to accept and live it. Lucky we are 3 hours flight apart so my life with him is consider fine and the wife is taking care of his children so he is living with me but only occassionaly with her during holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 I think the OP and MM both got jobs in another city and lived together there for a while (year-plus). I got the impression from the update that MM wants to live with OP in the new city while still being back with his family part-time in the old city. So he'd be alone in new city without her. But I'm not really sure, honestly. Yes. You are right. We both moved to a new city and lived together. The wife is 3 hours flight apart. He told me he wants to be with me and he loves me. The only reason he needs to be with her is to protect the kids... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eight Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Yes. You are right. We both moved to a new city and lived together. The wife is 3 hours flight apart. He told me he wants to be with me and he loves me. The only reason he needs to be with her is to protect the kids... Oldest line in the book. He is where he wants to be and with who he wants to be with. Please take time to do a lot of self-reflection. Figure out why you value yourself so little. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your story is very sad and you need to treat yourself better than you are now. Until that time, you will continue to be treated like a doormat because for some reason, deep inside, you think this is the type of "love" you deserve. This guy doesn't love anyone except himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Hello everyone...my story is a bit complicated. Its an affair with my colleague. We are both married. And affair was in full bloom. And in the end. We kindof purposely let both our spouse know about this. His wife leave him. And i leave my husband. We were together for real. He brings me in and stay with his family. Met his parents and siblings. Non of us got divorced yet..we just separated from both of our spouse since then and our affair seems to be accepted...after a year staying together..we both decided to quit our job and move to another city...life is great. All friends and new colleagues identify us as husband and wife. Occasionally we back hometown to visit our family on our own. Fast forward 3rd year...his wife suddenly wanted a divorce. He panicked and want to kept her. I understand. It was for the sake of his children. But in a quick time. Suddenly he run out of love for me. He quickly changed and wanted privacy from me. He was texting with her and calling her every day and night, trying to convince her back that he wanted the family and lied to her that we are no more together. I felt crushed. Everything shattered. I dont know should i stay or leave. Everytime i talk with him. He would say he love me. He said he still love me. He said life isnt the same without me. He wanted to stil be with me. He is a very passive guy. When she ran away. He didnt chase her back. When she wanted to come back. He didnt do much either. I scared i made the wrong decision. I still in love with him. And we both move into this city with a hope. To rebuild our life together... Personally I'd say leave. Sounds like Karmas caught up to you. A lot of time they say A's don't last simply because there's so many lies and so much deception during the A. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Why don't you re-read that part where He keeps his conversations with her private so he won't hurt you. SMH. if your daughter came to you with the story, what would you tell her? You invested a lot in this relationship. Not him. Yes he left his wife, but wanted to get back with her as soon as possible. He knows you're expandable. You'll always come back. "Many a false step was made by standing still." Exactly! Well put! When someone is chasing the other that makes it so unattractive. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Am I reading this correctly? Did YOU leave your baby/toddler to be with him? Where does your child live? Why has he only met her once if you live together? OMG! It sounds like you have given EVERYTHING for a passive man who gives you nothing but heartache!! PLEASE WAKE-UP!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Am I reading this correctly? Did YOU leave your baby/toddler to be with him? Where does your child live? Why has he only met her once if you live together? OMG! It sounds like you have given EVERYTHING for a passive man who gives you nothing but heartache!! PLEASE WAKE-UP!! my daughter are staying with my parents... Link to post Share on other sites
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