Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]

[ice3784]

Exactly! Well put! When someone is chasing the other that makes it so unattractive.

yes, i understand. but he is just a type of guy that if you leave he wont chase you back. thats what happened to his wife. she left him and took all the children. he didnt chase her back too. and now she has to return on her own. i'm scared if i leave he would just let me leave too. i just don't want to make the same mistake. i feel like i still want to be with him...

[BTDT2012]

yes, i understand. but he is just a type of guy that if you leave he wont chase you back. thats what happened to his wife. she left him and took all the children. he didnt chase her back too. and now she has to return on her own. i'm scared if i leave he would just let me leave too. i just don't want to make the same mistake. i feel like i still want to be with him...

Maybe he didn't 'chase her back' when she left with the children, but he certainly chased her back when she filed for divorce. You must accept the fact that you blew up your life to be with him, but he is unwilling to do the same for you.

[ice3784]

Finally, i called his wife. I dont know why. My desire to call her was so strong i finally dial the number. i know im taking a huge risk of losing my MM. i dont care. I had feelings too. She keep bugging me for the past 2 weeks, since Valentine, she send me her holiday pictures with my MM, braging to me telling me that, she has won his heart back, tell me to back off. I keep quite during that time. She keep on attacking me. Stalking my instagram, FB and posting comments to curse me. I keep quite and deleted her comments. but yesterday, i cant stand it anymore. i had to stand up for myself. I told my MM before that she is recently keep hurting me to brag about my MM are getting back with her. He said he is sorry, he have to protect his lies, for the sake of the children, he cant do anything to stand for me, he has to pretend he dont know anything, as he told her that we are no longer together.

I didnt tell her much, during the phone call, i just tell her dont disturb me, i dont want to know about your life and do not threaten me on my media !

Not long after that, MM called me, and ended up blaming me on his family chaos. He said she is threatening her again with the children. He said he will move out, he dont want to choose either me or her, he will live on his own.

I was so upset i said so be it. Move out and go.

Im now in delusion.

Part of me feel like this is the time to let everything shattered.

But last night we were sleeping together.

Not much words, just drink, sex and sleep.

I really confuse.

I hate the situation now...

Am i the one who ruin the calmness of the affair by calling the wife ?

She said they are reconciling - becos MM beg her back.

It hurt me, i left my family for him. And behind me, he chases her back.

I really need people who can see this from outside the box.

Im so so confuse, hurt, disappointment...ah...words cant explain

[BuddyX]

Couple posts above you mentioned how he's a guy who is passive and will not chase. Wrong. He will not chase after you. You are his sometimes.

 

Face it, you got thrown under the bus. It will happen again, again, and again.

 

Time to gain some self esteem and go NC. Are you that afraid to be alone that you put your kids wellbeing in jeopardy.

Edited March 8, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[stillafool]

Yes..looks likely i will become the other woman again..if they are together again. It feels so weird. How would the other family member perceive me...they already know me. He told me he have to do this for the sake of the children. He lied to her and flatter her with loving text...

 

What did he lie to her about?

[FoundMyStrength]

I really need people who can see this from outside the box.

Im so so confuse, hurt, disappointment...ah...words cant explain

 

I think you need people who can see things objectively, unclouded by all the emotions you're feeling. Here's how I see it. Your MM is the *ultimate* cake-eater. He not only wants a wife and a mistress, he wants a polygamous situation where he can *live* with his wife part-time and *live* with his mistress part-time. Of course he does. That means he gets twice as much love, attention, and sex. Plus, the ego boost of having two women fight over him.

 

You have to make a decision based on the facts, not on your feelings. Do you want to share this man? It sounds like you don't. Well, it's pretty clear from your description that he has no intention of being solely with you. He wants his wife back. So do you want to share him?

 

If not, you need to leave this man in the dust. You will never get what you want from him. At best, he will go back and forth between you and his wife like a ping pong match. At worst, you will be his permanent mistress. Are you really ready to give up years of your life and experience lots of pain in the process because of this man? No man is worth that.

 

And love? Well, that will come around again.

[BTDT2012]

Not much words, just drink, sex and sleep.

I really confuse.

 

This is what he wants from you. Aren't you worth more than that? Leave this mess. Don't let him continue to use you.

[ice3784]

He told her that he had left me.

He told her that he chooses the family instead of me.

She believes him and accepted him back.

But at the same time, he keep saying sorry to me, and ask me to understand he had to do that for the sake of the children, and says he need me in his life.

[ice3784]

What did he lie to her about?

He told her that he had left me.

He told her that he chooses the family instead of me.

She believes him and accepted him back.

But at the same time, he keep saying sorry to me, and ask me to understand he had to do that for the sake of the children, and says he need me in his life.

[ice3784]

Couple posts above you mentioned how he's a guy who is passive and will not chase. Wrong. He will not chase after you. You are his sometimes.

 

Face it, you got thrown under the bus. It will happen again, again, and again.

 

Time to gain some self esteem and go NC. Are you that afraid to be alone that you put your kids wellbeing in jeopardy.

Yes. im really very hurt with his action. He had a house, where i moved in after she left. He told me that he wanted to move the wife and the kids in after they had reconcile. I agreed. I understand, rather leave it empty, as me and MM are working in other city, just gave them the chance for a better life.

I do feel being used. i do. And he doesnt really justify much of his feelings towards me anymore.

How to leave. i meant, he is part of me !

[ice3784]

Yes i did.

Been in the affair for 3 years. She choose to leave. But recently choose to come back. He sort of pulled her back. He bring her and the kids to holidays.

It hurts me. Wasted 3 years of my time, effort and everything.

I choose not to let go. I told him i will stay. Part of me want to let go. I dont know. But the decision to call her, i never regret. Cos she hurt me, she purposely send me the pics of her during her holiday with him, she stalk me in my social media, post nonsense on my fb.

So i called her to talk. And of course she ranted on MM. Tell him and get all the attention she wanted. And definitely i get the whole blame.

I love him, but less now.

I guess, i will slowly willing to let him go, cos we are not the same anymore.

[Simple Logic]

Yes i did.

Been in the affair for 3 years. She choose to leave. But recently choose to come back. He sort of pulled her back. He bring her and the kids to holidays.

It hurts me. Wasted 3 years of my time, effort and everything.

I choose not to let go. I told him i will stay. Part of me want to let go. I dont know. But the decision to call her, i never regret. Cos she hurt me, she purposely send me the pics of her during her holiday with him, she stalk me in my social media, post nonsense on my fb.

So i called her to talk. And of course she ranted on MM. Tell him and get all the attention she wanted. And definitely i get the whole blame.

I love him, but less now.

I guess, i will slowly willing to let him go, cos we are not the same anymore.

 

Sounds like you and his wife are trying to outlast the other. Good luck with that.

[BettyDraper]

Yes i did.

Been in the affair for 3 years. She choose to leave. But recently choose to come back. He sort of pulled her back. He bring her and the kids to holidays.

It hurts me. Wasted 3 years of my time, effort and everything.

I choose not to let go. I told him i will stay. Part of me want to let go. I dont know. But the decision to call her, i never regret. Cos she hurt me, she purposely send me the pics of her during her holiday with him, she stalk me in my social media, post nonsense on my fb.

So i called her to talk. And of course she ranted on MM. Tell him and get all the attention she wanted. And definitely i get the whole blame.

I love him, but less now.

I guess, i will slowly willing to let him go, cos we are not the same anymore.

 

I'm not sure what kind of reaction you were expecting.

A wife is SUPPOSED to get all of her husband's attention and focus.

[Raena]

She hurt you? That's rich. I don't hear one ounce of regret on your part for the role you played in hurting her. Do I think it's childish and immature of her to purposely send you pictures and make comments on facebook? Yes, I do. But she probably feels she has every right to do so considering what you did to her.

 

Yes, it was 3 years wasted. Learn from it, let the cheating jerk go and move on to find your own happiness. Rest assured, just because they went on vacation together does not mean their marriage has fully recovered from his infidelities. But whether they are doing ok or not is not your concern. Focus on yourself, go NC and move on. In the end, that is what is best for your own personal sanity and happiness.

[S2B]

You inserted yourself into their marriage.

 

You aren't welcome in their marriage.

 

Stay away from him.

 

You want to be mad at someone? Be mad at yourself for trying to steal married man.

 

Whether they reconcile or not is none of your business!

 

Date single men.

[BuddyX]

What's your next move?

[mightycpa]

It hurts me. Wasted 3 years of my time, effort and everything.

Wasted? What was the end game?

 

Merged. Never mind.

Edited March 13, 2017 by mightycpa

[Tressugar]

OP,

 

I'm really sorry for the pain you are going through, but that's the consequence of playing with a married man. How old are you? I'm really surprised your family hasn't mentored/counseled you.

 

Please never put a man before your baby. She's two years old and needs her mother. Show up in life for her. You chose to bring her here and now it's time to put your selfish ways behind you. Chose your daughter.

[BaileyB]

I would argue that he's not much of a "catch" anyway.

 

If he wants to go back to his wife and children, let him. He was never really supposed to be yours anyway.

 

You learned a valuable lesson here, never trust someone who will lie and cheat.

[FoundMyStrength]

Please never put a man before your baby. She's two years old and needs her mother. Show up in life for her. You chose to bring her here and now it's time to put your selfish ways behind you. Chose your daughter.

 

OP, I didn't catch this before. You have a 2-year-old? But you were living with MM for 3 years -- is this his child?

 

Regardless, I know you're in pain right now, but you're ignoring clear signs that this man is never going to be with you full-time. For god's sake, he asked for his mom's approval of keeping you as a mistress in this town you two work in -- that's not a sign that he'll ever leave his wife to solely be with you. Why would you want to stay with a man that thinks that little of you, and treats you accordingly?

[Sastrugi]

Ice,

You need to get your priorities straight. why is your 2 year old living with your parents? I don't understand why she is not living with either you or your husband.

 

Who fathered the child? If it is MM, then you need to go after child support.

[anika99]

Yes i did.

Been in the affair for 3 years. She choose to leave. But recently choose to come back. He sort of pulled her back. He bring her and the kids to holidays.

It hurts me. Wasted 3 years of my time, effort and everything.

I choose not to let go. I told him i will stay. Part of me want to let go. I dont know. But the decision to call her, i never regret. Cos she hurt me, she purposely send me the pics of her during her holiday with him, she stalk me in my social media, post nonsense on my fb.

So i called her to talk. And of course she ranted on MM. Tell him and get all the attention she wanted. And definitely i get the whole blame.

I love him, but less now.

I guess, i will slowly willing to let him go, cos we are not the same anymore.

 

 

As long as you keep making poor decisions and then blaming other people for your choices you will never be happy. Relationships are a crap shoot no matter how they start but choosing a relationship with another person's spouse is usually a bad investment of ones time and emotion.

 

Let's compare the married man to a used car shall we? When I first got my license I was very poor but I wanted to drive so I would buy the cheapest cars I could find for sale. Ugly old pieces of crap that ended up causing me one problem after another. no sooner would I get one thing fixed when something else would need fixing. An oil leak, a timing chain, an old dead battery, it was always something. Worse I couldn't depend on these cars, they would fail me just when I needed them the most and I never felt proud of them the way some people feel pride in their cars. My cars were ugly, rusted, smelled like something was burning, lol, you name it.

 

Finally I got fed up. Realized that the cheap cars I was buying to save money were actually costing more money, time and grief in the long run. So I decided to save and sacrafice to get a new car. It took me three years to save up a large down payment. I did that because I knew when I got the car and had to pay gas and insurance and reg maintenance I wouldn't be able to afford large car payments. So spent 3 yrs and saved 10 thousand dollars and then I got my new car. Then I had to sacrafice to make payments and to pay higher insurance premiums and to maintain. It was worth it though cause I ended up with a pretty new car that I could depend on, that always started, even in freezing temperatures. A car with working heat and air conditioning, a car I could have passengers in and not feel embarrassed.

 

It's time for you to walk away from your old used and broken down car. Take the time and resources you need to invest in a decent relationship. That means being single, getting your daughter back and being a mom, learning independence and taking responsibility. Spend a few years saving up emotionally and mentally so that one day you will be ready to invest in a decent man.

 

Just as an aside, of course their are exceptions in my used car analogy. I once bought a 23yr old Camry for a thousand bucks and that car never gave me a moment of grief. It had one owner before me, had never been smoked in, only had 119 thousand k on it and no rust. People were always offering to buy it from me. I gave that car to my son and it's still running to this day. A real gem. You don't have an exception. You have a piece of crap that you need to get rid off before it completely robs you blind and leaves you with nothing.

[BettyDraper]

You inserted yourself into their marriage.

 

You aren't welcome in their marriage.

 

Stay away from him.

 

You want to be mad at someone? Be mad at yourself for trying to steal married man.

 

Whether they reconcile or not is none of your business!

 

Date single men.

 

The absurd sense of entitlement that many OW have is breathtaking.

[ice3784]

Few days had passed. Things started to calm down, every thing seems to back to normal, we are still staying together just less intimate.

We both leave our hometown, as i said earlier, and work in a new city. Guess we don't have anyone else but each other, that forces us to stay together no matter how bad our argument or how much anger we had to each other.

Im taking a 10 days off from him, bought a ticket back home, gonna have a break from work and him.

At this moment we are like 2 friends sharing a bed, no intimacy, just normal conversations and work life as usual.

We dont have each other passwords now, not on the phone nor laptop. He has his life now, i had my own. Guess this is meant to die slowly..

I invested in him financially too, i helped him to purchase a house back in his hometown. Since he is reconciling with his wife, i told him i will move my things out. i dont want to step my foot in his hometown anymore.

[BaileyB]

As long as you keep making poor decisions and then blaming other people for your choices you will never be happy. Relationships are a crap shoot no matter how they start but choosing a relationship with another person's spouse is usually a bad investment of ones time and emotion.

 

This is the truth. Time to cut your loses because you have invested more into this relationship than you should have... emotionally, financially, and with your relationship with your daughter. Is she really living with your parents?

 

Your responsibility is with your daughter.mit should always have been with your daughter, but you chose to selfishly follow another man and invest it with him. You've had a bad return on your investment. But, your daughter... She is only young once. You are wasting the time you have with her and you are standing your opportunity to be her mother. You are very lucky that she is young because if she was older, what you have done to her - choosing a man over your own daughter - would probably be unforgivable to her. You should thank your lucky stars that you still have the opportunity to build a relationship with your daughter!

 

This is your fork in the road... your opportunity to make a better decision and chose a new path. Chose wisely.