Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]

[ice3784]

It makes perfect sense. He didn't actually want a divorce. He wanted to play house with his sidepiece for a while. You know, simply enjoy the fantasy for a bit with no permanent damage done to his real life. Then his wife decided to file, sh*t got real, and he had to choose. So, he did.

I agree with you. He was fine with the arrangement and suddenly when she decided to change things around he cant take it. Well, the best excuse he gave is for the children sake which is a total BS. I also have a daughter i know what it takes for her best. Rather than put them growing in a dysfunctional family , i want her to grow up in a happy situation.

[MJJean]

I agree with you. He was fine with the arrangement and suddenly when she decided to change things around he cant take it. Well, the best excuse he gave is for the children sake which is a total BS. I also have a daughter i know what it takes for her best. Rather than put them growing in a dysfunctional family , i want her to grow up in a happy situation.

 

If I read your posts and properly understood the situation, you've left your daughter to be raised by your parents while you have been with the MM?

 

Personally, I think a child being raised by a single mother who has her life in order is much better than being raised by even the most loving grandparents. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can replace a mother's love and care.

 

Leave this man in your past and concentrate on taking care of your daughter. She will always love you and she will always be your family, come what may. Invest your time and love there. If you someday find a decent man, great. If not, you'll have your own little family. Someday there will be a son in law and maybe even grandchildren.

[stillafool]

He is doing fine, he moved on. We haven't divorce yet. Just separated. He lived 5 mintes away from my daughter. I see her once a month, i made a promise i will be home once a month even just for few days. Thank you for your reply..

 

If I were you I would stop worrying about this MM and work on getting a place where I could raise my daughter so I wouldn't just see her once a month.

[anika99]

He is doing fine, he moved on. We haven't divorce yet. Just separated. He lived 5 mintes away from my daughter. I see her once a month, i made a promise i will be home once a month even just for few days. Thank you for your reply..

 

This is the saddest part of the whole situation. That you abandoned your daughter so that you can live in another city with your MM. Also you say that you and your MM have been together for 3yrs but your daughter is 2. How did that happen? My guess is that you were pregnant when you left your husband and gave your baby to your parents so that your special MM wouldn't be inconvienced by your baby.

 

Want to know what the cruel joke of that decision is? It's that while your MM was probably thrilled that you got rid of your daughter so that she wouldn't be a problem in his life and so that you could be 100% available to him, he also likely lost a lot of respect for you when you made that choice. He would be horrified if his wife gave any of his children away. While he has enjoyed the benefits of having you at his beck and call, in his mind his wife is probably the better person.

 

I'm not saying this just to be harsh, I'm just telling you a fact. Men don't respect women who choose a man over their children. For that matter men don't respect women who are willing to sabatoge their own life for the sake of a man and a good man wouldn't ever ask a woman to hurt herself or her child just so he could reap the benefits.

 

Since your daughter has been with your parents since birth and you only see her once a month it's probably best to leave her there. It would be too traumatic to take her away from the people she considers her parents now. However that doesn't mean you can't move back to your city and start building a relationship so that maybe you can be her mom someday.

 

Your MM is not worth your time. Stop believing that he's only going back for the sake of the children. As others have pointed out that makes no sense. However I would say if you want to reveal your ongoing affair to his wife you should do so. He is making a fool of her and leading her into making a huge mistake. Telling her the truth would be a good thing.

[aileD]

Since your daughter has been with your parents since birth and you only see her once a month it's probably best to leave her there. It would be too traumatic to take her away from the people she considers her parents now. However that doesn't mean you can't move back to your city and start building a relationship so that maybe you can be her mom someday.

 

Wow. So true. Once a month to a two year old...,..you might as well be a stranger. You are a stranger.

 

So sad .

[BuddyX]

My own experience.

My mom left when I was little. She wanted to find herself. 30 years later, do I talk to her? Yes. Do I respect her. He'll no.

 

Let's just say if sh*t hits the fan in my life, she's not the top ten people I call for advice or help. I'm closer to my step dad. That is sad.

 

Don't be that mom.

[BTDT2012]

i have a bad intention want to expose all so that she will leave him, or if she still want to be with him, at least she will never trust him again.

 

How many times do you want to speak with her? She already knows about you. The person you should be having a conversation with is yourself. How did you justify leaving your baby for a life with another woman's husband?

[BaileyB]

i have a bad intention want to expose all so that she will leave him, or if she still want to be with him, at least she will never trust him again.

 

But, he should not be trusted, considering what he has already done. He should not be trusted by either of you...

 

And, she already knows about you. She knows, and she has still decided to take him back. Goodness knows why, but she has decided to take him back and he is indicated that he wants to go.

 

So, try to gather your dignity and let him go.

[georgia girl]

Ice,

 

I know you are fixated on MM right now, but I encourage you to also not make any rash moves when it comes to your daughter. Your parents are likely the most stable force in her life and as you say, your ex husband lives close and sees her often. Please do not disrupt her life unless you can be there with her in her environment with the people she knows and loves deeply. I am not implying that she doesn't know you and loves you as well, but stability is critical for a child.

 

As for MM, do what you will. Have some empathy for his wife if you choose to expose everything but if there is fallout for him, so be it. He is a grown man who made big boy choices. The consequences are his.

 

Now for you... I would seek counseling and the support of a trusted friend/advisor to begin unraveling this ball of yarn. Do you move home where you can parent your little girl? Can you get a job transfer? Do you sue to get back the financial investment you have made in real estate? Does the property get sold outright? Do you need an attorney? Is HR at work involved? Please don't wait for him to come back. Having someone at any cost is like not having them at all. Life is way too short for this tragedy you are scripting for yourself. Try to untangle it and find yourself. I wish you all of the best.

[ice3784]

Ice,

 

I know you are fixated on MM right now, but I encourage you to also not make any rash moves when it comes to your daughter. Your parents are likely the most stable force in her life and as you say, your ex husband lives close and sees her often. Please do not disrupt her life unless you can be there with her in her environment with the people she knows and loves deeply. I am not implying that she doesn't know you and loves you as well, but stability is critical for a child.

 

As for MM, do what you will. Have some empathy for his wife if you choose to expose everything but if there is fallout for him, so be it. He is a grown man who made big boy choices. The consequences are his.

 

Now for you... I would seek counseling and the support of a trusted friend/advisor to begin unraveling this ball of yarn. Do you move home where you can parent your little girl? Can you get a job transfer? Do you sue to get back the financial investment you have made in real estate? Does the property get sold outright? Do you need an attorney? Is HR at work involved? Please don't wait for him to come back. Having someone at any cost is like not having them at all. Life is way too short for this tragedy you are scripting for yourself. Try to untangle it and find yourself. I wish you all of the best.

Thank you for your response, very thoughtful from all aspect, i felt as if you understand me very well.

I agree with yo regarding my daughter, her life is well balanced at the moment. Basically, my MM's children life are also balance at the moment, its just her reconciliation with MM going to stir everything up as she might move back to him and stay at the house the me and MM bought together, well, he said he worked hard for the children sake so its best to give them to stay while we are in other city anyway.

I agree and will move my things in a near future.

I always felt sorry for the wife but over time, it turns to hatred as on and off she just tried to hurt me with harsh words, stalk my social media, which makes me defensive and also wants to hurt her back. I recently confronted MM that i want to leave and i ask him to stay somewhere else at the moment until i found a new place to move, and last night he came back and sleep on the floor next to the bed. It breaks me and i told him its fine, just forget the whole thing and sleep on the bed with me.

I really dont know what to do.

[OWAmy]

I have read your story and it is a sad one.

 

Where you are right now in limbo land is much worse than it will be when he is gone from your life. I would concentrate on you and you alone because you are the only person capable of getting you out of this mess. Strength is required here.

 

Yes you have made some grave errors but stagnating on these reflections will do you no good. You owe him nothing. You owe his wife nothing. It's done and time to look ahead. Counselling, therapy etc...that can all wait.

 

See how he is now trying to paint himself as "hard done by" "poor me" sleeping on the floor. If I were you, he would be really starting to go down in my estimation.

 

What are you going to do about your share in the property? Is he going to buy you out?

[ice3784]

I have read your story and it is a sad one.

 

Where you are right now in limbo land is much worse than it will be when he is gone from your life. I would concentrate on you and you alone because you are the only person capable of getting you out of this mess. Strength is required here.

 

Yes you have made some grave errors but stagnating on these reflections will do you no good. You owe him nothing. You owe his wife nothing. It's done and time to look ahead. Counselling, therapy etc...that can all wait.

 

See how he is now trying to paint himself as "hard done by" "poor me" sleeping on the floor. If I were you, he would be really starting to go down in my estimation.

 

What are you going to do about your share in the property? Is he going to buy you out?

i was so sad seeing him had to sleep on the floor as i told him i dont want to sleep with him anymore.I wake him up and bring him to the bed. he said he will pay me back the money, in installment. he make me breakfast this morning. what is he doing ?

[ice3784]

But, he should not be trusted, considering what he has already done. He should not be trusted by either of you...

 

And, she already knows about you. She knows, and she has still decided to take him back. Goodness knows why, but she has decided to take him back and he is indicated that he wants to go.

 

So, try to gather your dignity and let him go.

she had no choice but to take him back for the sake of the children i guess, their mindset is traditional, even the marriage doesn't work out, she thinks its better to have both parents intact. This is the reason MM gave me too..

[OWAmy]

i was so sad seeing him had to sleep on the floor as i told him i dont want to sleep with him anymore.I wake him up and bring him to the bed. he said he will pay me back the money, in installment. he make me breakfast this morning. what is he doing ?

 

It's time for you to get tough. He's taking you for a fool, gaining your sympathy.

 

Seriously sell the house and recoup your money in full. Make him pay rent on your portion. What's the benefit for you in him paying you back in instalments? Women can be so STUPID when it comes to money. Time to get those emotions in check and stop feeling sorry for him. Start feeling a little sorry for yourself and how your life has panned out ... this could give you the necessary ammunition to get angry at him.

[OWAmy]

she had no choice but to take him back for the sake of the children i guess, their mindset is traditional, even the marriage doesn't work out, she thinks its better to have both parents intact. This is the reason MM gave me too..

 

I wouldn't even concern yourself with the why's of his wife or him. Start looking at this all objectively now. The facts. He is trying to get the best deal for himself and you need to wake up to that. See beyond these little gestures and don't be "bought" over something so small as a breakfast. It didn't mean anything.It's no big deal.

[georgia girl]

Thank you for your response, very thoughtful from all aspect, i felt as if you understand me very well.

I agree with yo regarding my daughter, her life is well balanced at the moment. Basically, my MM's children life are also balance at the moment, its just her reconciliation with MM going to stir everything up as she might move back to him and stay at the house the me and MM bought together, well, he said he worked hard for the children sake so its best to give them to stay while we are in other city anyway.

I agree and will move my things in a near future.

I always felt sorry for the wife but over time, it turns to hatred as on and off she just tried to hurt me with harsh words, stalk my social media, which makes me defensive and also wants to hurt her back. I recently confronted MM that i want to leave and i ask him to stay somewhere else at the moment until i found a new place to move, and last night he came back and sleep on the floor next to the bed. It breaks me and i told him its fine, just forget the whole thing and sleep on the bed with me.

I really dont know what to do.

 

Ice, perhaps I wasn't very explicit in my post (which I'm glad you liked), and I think I should clarify since I am genuinely trying to be helpful. I think your job as a mother should be your number one priority in life and I believe you should do everything you can to get yourself home and gradually take over parenting of your daughter full-time. You are her mommy and (with apologies to all of the dads out there), the most important person in her life. I just don't want you to take her away from your parents and her dad, the second most important person in her life, or upset her routine. She's still so small and adaptable but she needs stability at all costs.

 

That means unequivocally giving up MM and whatever property, job, etc., you have away from your daughter. I know that sounds harsh but any man who asks you to give up your child or destabilize her life in any way by asking you to move her away from family and friends, is quite frankly, not a man. Particularly when he tells you he needs to reconcile with his wife for his own children. What a hypocrite.

 

I'm very sorry you let him back in your house and in your bedroom, let alone your bed. Sell the property and/or sue to get your investment back. Get the job transfer or find a new job close to home. And put your daughter at the very top of your list. We invest in many people in our lives. Our biggest, most worthy and greatest potential comes from investing in our children.

 

My best to you.

[oldlion]

An affair is always so heart-fluttering and exciting...........until it isn't.

[summerdowling87]

what is he doing ?

 

He's doing what he wants to do-(Play you) Why would he stop eating his cake? He knows that he can do whatever he wants to you and you'll-(& his W) will be their to feed him cake while feeding hie ego.

 

What I fail to understand is why you're so obsessed with getting back at his wife? She's only responding to her WH actions.

 

You're both being played just being played differently.

[ice3784]

Last night he ask me if im ok to move my things out from our home back in hometown. I said just take it and we are done. Its my home too and now i have to give way for her. I break down and cry. I said this is it. Im leaving. He accused me said im just upset for the house. He just dont get it. It was our home. Yes even though we work in another city now. I think he just want what he want..everyone here is right. I need to leave...

[Tressugar]

Op, it's obvious have a skewed perception here. The wife isn't the enemy. I'm not sure why you're so obsessed with her. This is all about you and your poor choices.

 

Please be kind to yourself. Your kids are looking up to you for guidance.

 

Get mental therapy asap!

Edited March 25, 2017 by Tressugar

[BaileyB]

Last night he ask me if im ok to move my things out from our home back in hometown. I said just take it and we are done. Its my home too and now i have to give way for her. I break down and cry. I said this is it. Im leaving. He accused me said im just upset for the house. He just dont get it. It was our home. Yes even though we work in another city now. I think he just want what he want..everyone here is right. I need to leave...

 

You are correct, he does want what he wants and you do need to leave. This man should never have been trusted in the first place. I'm sorry for your pain. But, it's time to move on and time to get some counselling for yourself.

[ice3784]

[]

 

im the other women. currently still staying together with the MM. You may read my post to understand more. But my point is, i do have anger and resentment towards the wife. I dont know why i become like this. In the earlier days, i told my MM to go home early, to take care of her when she is sick, etc. Now, i only have hatred. Maybe jealousy as she is now working herself up to win him back ? she even texted me she will revow with him in august. i confronted MM and he denied....

help me

Edited March 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
moved post from an another member's thread ~6

[Tressugar]

Op, get mad at yourself! You put yourself in this position as the other woman. The other woman will always be dealt the short end of the stick.

[OWAmy]

OP - PLEASE sort out your finances with this man.

 

Block his wife from your phone. Don't be in contact with her if you are not going to converse with her.

Focus on getting your money back NOW. See how he's moving your things out of your home to move his family in? He's got his head screwed on making plans that suit him financially whilst all the while you do nothing but feel strong emotions about being hard done.

 

Who's name is the property in and who's name is on the rental agreement?

[ice3784]

OP - PLEASE sort out your finances with this man.

 

Block his wife from your phone. Don't be in contact with her if you are not going to converse with her.

Focus on getting your money back NOW. See how he's moving your things out of your home to move his family in? He's got his head screwed on making plans that suit him financially whilst all the while you do nothing but feel strong emotions about being hard done.

 

Who's name is the property in and who's name is on the rental agreement?

The house was bought under his own name, while the furniture and electrical appliances are all under my name. Current rental agreement were on both of our name, thats one of the reason we are stuck together until the tenancy ends on August this year. But the house, he was going to move his family in..as it was vacant at the moment, we only went there if we back on vacation together...