Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]

[Rebelnoir]

Thank you for your post...i read it just after another attempt to break up. Im alone in my room crying while reading hoping to get strength to insist on the break up. I had no idea what else to do. I told him since he was reconciling with his wife , l dont want to be in anymore and thats the best for everyone. I dont know what to believe anymore he asking me to say by saying. What we had in the past and what we had now is the reason i will not let u go.

Our affair did went through some struggle as normal affair does the hardship of sneaking around , and the wife threathening us, and took the children away which is now her major comeback excuse...always always and forever always..i manage only to break just a while...the longest period...1 week...and it was only 4 days NC...and he was waiting for me at the airport when i returned...there is once...we break up...was about 4 days..but only 2 days NC, he waited 5 buses at the station..so that he wont missed catching me to reinstate the affair...i am confused and drawn back...i called the wife twice this year..not mentioning i met her once , i drove to her home 2 years ago as she just found out about the affair and i want to end it by confessing to her

I always create mess for him and ruin his chance with her multiple times..its just...he always sticks around..and so is the wife...well...they are separated but...i think she did it for the kids..i dont know..its too many things and just so so complicated.....

 

I hope you're feeling ok. Is there anywhere you can go just to get out of your room? Maybe take a book to a coffee shop or park? Or meet a friend? It might just take your mind off this for a little while.

 

You're clearly struggling with deciding to end this and going NC. I understand how hard it is when you really love somebody. I think, if I were you, I would remove myself from the situation and have some time to myself to think about what I really want. Can you book a trip a way? Just a nice hotel somewhere you can stay for a couple of nights on your own and so some soul searching?

 

If it makes it easier don't have any big discussions with MM before you go. Just tell him nicely you're going away and will see him/speak to him when you get back. You don't need to tell him why you're going away. You don't need to think of it as NC, just 3 days away where you're not speaking to anyone. That way you take the pressure off. But be prepared to do some serious thinking and stick to your decisions. Decide what is best for you, what you want, what your life will look like if you continue down this path. You need to think about you because right now every though you have appears to be about MM and what he wants

 

I think some others are right and you're in the grips of an obsession right now. At the times I felt most out of control during my A I had moments like that. I couldn't think or see straight and I just wanted to see him...I would have done anything to see him. The only thing that has helped is being away from him.

 

And honestly, I feel better right now in the early days of NC (no matter how hard it is) than I have in the last two months when the A was carrying on and MM was hurting me and sending mixed messages. You might just find that you do too if you allow yourself to think about yourself rather than him.

[ice3784]

I hope you're feeling ok. Is there anywhere you can go just to get out of your room? Maybe take a book to a coffee shop or park? Or meet a friend? It might just take your mind off this for a little while.

 

You're clearly struggling with deciding to end this and going NC. I understand how hard it is when you really love somebody. I think, if I were you, I would remove myself from the situation and have some time to myself to think about what I really want. Can you book a trip a way? Just a nice hotel somewhere you can stay for a couple of nights on your own and so some soul searching?

 

If it makes it easier don't have any big discussions with MM before you go. Just tell him nicely you're going away and will see him/speak to him when you get back. You don't need to tell him why you're going away. You don't need to think of it as NC, just 3 days away where you're not speaking to anyone. That way you take the pressure off. But be prepared to do some serious thinking and stick to your decisions. Decide what is best for you, what you want, what your life will look like if you continue down this path. You need to think about you because right now every though you have appears to be about MM and what he wants

 

I think some others are right and you're in the grips of an obsession right now. At the times I felt most out of control during my A I had moments like that. I couldn't think or see straight and I just wanted to see him...I would have done anything to see him. The only thing that has helped is being away from him.

 

And honestly, I feel better right now in the early days of NC (no matter how hard it is) than I have in the last two months when the A was carrying on and MM was hurting me and sending mixed messages. You might just find that you do too if you allow yourself to think about yourself rather than him.

Thank you for your reply. Yes...i agree too...perhaps i am obsessed about him...i am aware that i need to let him go. He cant and will never leave her. Thank you for your long reply. It felt comforting as if i had a friend who understand my situation very well....

[BTDT2012]

Thank you for your reply. Yes...i agree too...perhaps i am obsessed about him...i am aware that i need to let him go. He cant and will never leave her. Thank you for your long reply. It felt comforting as if i had a friend who understand my situation very well....

 

It's not that he can't leave her, its that he chooses to stay with her. Please stop torturing yourself.

[ice3784]

I hope you're feeling ok. Is there anywhere you can go just to get out of your room? Maybe take a book to a coffee shop or park? Or meet a friend? It might just take your mind off this for a little while.

 

You're clearly struggling with deciding to end this and going NC. I understand how hard it is when you really love somebody. I think, if I were you, I would remove myself from the situation and have some time to myself to think about what I really want. Can you book a trip a way? Just a nice hotel somewhere you can stay for a couple of nights on your own and so some soul searching?

 

If it makes it easier don't have any big discussions with MM before you go. Just tell him nicely you're going away and will see him/speak to him when you get back. You don't need to tell him why you're going away. You don't need to think of it as NC, just 3 days away where you're not speaking to anyone. That way you take the pressure off. But be prepared to do some serious thinking and stick to your decisions. Decide what is best for you, what you want, what your life will look like if you continue down this path. You need to think about you because right now every though you have appears to be about MM and what he wants

 

I think some others are right and you're in the grips of an obsession right now. At the times I felt most out of control during my A I had moments like that. I couldn't think or see straight and I just wanted to see him...I would have done anything to see him. The only thing that has helped is being away from him.

 

And honestly, I feel better right now in the early days of NC (no matter how hard it is) than I have in the last two months when the A was carrying on and MM was hurting me and sending mixed messages. You might just find that you do too if you allow yourself to think about yourself rather than him.

hi, im fine at the moment.

I still wake up with lots of thoughts about the relationship.

The fact that we are living together makes me hard to run away from this.

I had bought another tickets for a week runaway, my leave has been approved. I will be away longer this time.

We are still together, and..im not sure where this is heading.

He sense it now, and the my message very clear that i want to end this and i am ready to end this.

He cared for me more, but still, steal some time to text his wife. I know he want her back. He wants the children back. It will be a perfect family. A happy family. A complete one, without me in the picture.

Then what the hell am i doing here ?

He just want me around, as he is alone in this city.

Or perhaps, he sympathize on what he has done to me.

Not sure.

But, its really getting sour, and its ending badly and slowly...

[HeartbrokenDec29]

i just read your post..you really managed to leave your MM ? How long was your relationship with him ? And they are really happily reconcile ? My relationship with my MM is 3 years plus now. We are at the stage that we are still together while he was lying to the wife that we are no more together. I am willingly co-operate to that and he was still around even though i had made 2 confession to the wife that we are still together. I really confused. He said no matter what i did, and no matter how screwed up he was,he will never leave me. and i did screwed up his reconciliation by confessing to his wife. He was mad at me, but he really didnt leave me. I did help him financially before, when he was earning less then me but at the moment, he is contributing equally to our living expenses. I dont know why seems like i am trying to find whatever reason why he was still with me while he got her back in his hand and still let me ruin every opportunity. But he did block me from our FB account access, as i did offer the wife if she wants evidence,i can add her into our FB account to view everything. He said he will keep it to himself as he don't want it to hurt anyone worse. Both his parents know me. the only reason i may give excuse why he wanted to be with me is he scared to live on his own ?

Yes i cut the ties completely for my own sake and started building my self respect and dignity from there! Iv blocked his numbers and dont care less if he's mad at me! You should reach that point as well! Its empowering to know you closed a door finally.

 

If you are telling the wife, you should be telling her with apologies knowing the fact that you are enabled him and it has hurt her and not for you to go back. Sweetie, hes not going to leave his wife, even if he does, you will always have it at the back of your mind he will do the same to you.

 

My xMMs wife was his xOW, i bet after i apologized to her she will also recall she enabled him in his first marriage. Its a cycle dear. better to start on a clean slate than deal with the guilt she has to deal with.

 

His parents knowing you doesnt mean a thing. Quite frankly i doubt they will have any respect for you if eventually you get married to him.You seem to have a good heart and i just want it to be in a healthy place. Cut ties with this man, with time you will be happier! He doesnt deserve a presence in your life!

[ice3784]

For those who read my thread and knows what happening to me, im still here.

Still with him. Yes, things got worse.

I got a new job. According to the plan to move on.

But i didn't got a new place to stay nor i had move away from him.

He told me he love me. When i was asleep. I pretended to be asleep cos i was upset most of the time. Many nights i just sleep before he does.

He sleep with his wife when he went back for holiday. They are in contact every single day when he was here with me.

I'm back being the other woman. Not really being loved the way it was. But more to the well known and entitled other woman.

I am entitled to had mothers' day brunch with him and his parents. I am entitled to drive his car and stays in his home at the moment. I'm the person seen as his wife, at everywhere, that she isn't aware. I am to walk beside him and meet his friends and colleagues, who don't know who his real wife is. I am the one that had dinner with him everyday, and sleep next to him.

I do not understand this relationship anymore.

Neither i was a secret, neither i was a legit.

But i am entitle, and valid.

There are times when i will broke down, crying in the shower, or just crying in the car. When i dont understand anything at all.

They are time i just enjoy the dates, we hold hands and watch movies on weekend.

And there are time, once every few months, im invisible and does not exist, when he was back in his hometown with her and his kids.

His answer when i wanted to quit, why i am pushing for this. He has no choice. He has to keep his family in tact for the sake of the children.

I had no choice but to accept this.

Am i ?

As leaving does no one good, both me and him will be alone.

But to be honest, love died.

I dont felt much pain in a long run.

At least, not much today.

Or yesterday.

[jenkins95]

For those who read my thread and knows what happening to me, im still here.

Still with him. Yes, things got worse.

I got a new job. According to the plan to move on.

But i didn't got a new place to stay nor i had move away from him.

He told me he love me. When i was asleep. I pretended to be asleep cos i was upset most of the time. Many nights i just sleep before he does.

He sleep with his wife when he went back for holiday. They are in contact every single day when he was here with me.

I'm back being the other woman. Not really being loved the way it was. But more to the well known and entitled other woman.

I am entitled to had mothers' day brunch with him and his parents. I am entitled to drive his car and stays in his home at the moment. I'm the person seen as his wife, at everywhere, that she isn't aware. I am to walk beside him and meet his friends and colleagues, who don't know who his real wife is. I am the one that had dinner with him everyday, and sleep next to him.

I do not understand this relationship anymore.

Neither i was a secret, neither i was a legit.

But i am entitle, and valid.

There are times when i will broke down, crying in the shower, or just crying in the car. When i dont understand anything at all.

They are time i just enjoy the dates, we hold hands and watch movies on weekend.

And there are time, once every few months, im invisible and does not exist, when he was back in his hometown with her and his kids.

His answer when i wanted to quit, why i am pushing for this. He has no choice. He has to keep his family in tact for the sake of the children.

I had no choice but to accept this.

Am i ?

As leaving does no one good, both me and him will be alone.

But to be honest, love died.

I dont felt much pain in a long run.

At least, not much today.

Or yesterday.

 

(((Ice)))

 

Your pain is palpable - we are here for you. Stay with us and keep posting.

 

I think you have two choices: -

 

1. Live on in this awful limbo for the rest of your life (or until things are taken out of your control).

 

2. Do the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life and end it now completely, finally, definitively, once and for all.

 

If you choose option 2, your pain for the next year will be even worse than option 1. You will feel empty, lost and alone.

 

But here's the thing. Get through that year...and you will start to feel better, become reborn.......free. And you will look back at this awful situation and be so glad that you got out. You will have claimed your life back and will be able to experience genuine happinness.

 

If you choose option 1, then yes, you will have your comfort blanket to cling onto, but at the cost of being imprisoned in this situation indefinitely, a slave to your addiction and your circumstances. Your actions dictated by his schedule - forever in limbo. On top of this, you are indirectly helping to hurt his family.

 

I plead with you - please, please, please go for option 2. Be strong. Accept that you will be a mess for months, but that in investing in your future, you will eventually be free.

 

YOU CAN DO IT!

 

Sometimes we get ourselves into these situations and wonder how on earth we ever got there and how on earth we are ever going to be happy again. I know - I was an MM in an A. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting.

Edited May 16, 2017 by jenkins95

[BaileyB]

You really need to move on.

He wants to have you both, he doesn't see a problem with this.

Have some self respect, and tell him that you deserve more.

Your relationship with this man was never meant to be - he has a family.

I'm sorry, this pain will only continue for you if you stay.

[mrs rubble]

I've read your entire thread and my heart goes out to your daughter. She is the biggest victim in your sad sorid story, nobody replaces your mum. I note that you have avoided answering whether she is your AP's daughter, the timeframe would suggest she is. No man is worth more than a relationship with your child.

Your OM is selfish, deceitful, untrustworthy and irresponsible.

 

What is the attraction? Why have you abandoned yours (& his child???) to live a deceitful life without her?? I just don't get it. You need to see a professional to work out where you're headed with all this.

[BTDT2012]

OP, I hope you rec.onsider your decision to live in hell.

[whichwayisup]

OP, I hope you rec.onsider your decision to live in hell.

 

I second this.

 

Please get some counseling to help you get strong so you can end this. It's no way to live life.

[stillafool]

I've read your entire thread and my heart goes out to your daughter. She is the biggest victim in your sad sorid story, nobody replaces your mum. I note that you have avoided answering whether she is your AP's daughter, the timeframe would suggest she is. No man is worth more than a relationship with your child.

Your OM is selfish, deceitful, untrustworthy and irresponsible.

 

What is the attraction? Why have you abandoned yours (& his child???) to live a deceitful life without her?? I just don't get it. You need to see a professional to work out where you're headed with all this.

 

I completely agree with you Mrs. Rubble. OP you would be so much better off if you invested the time and love you give to someone else's husband on your child. She will always be your child he will not always be with you. When you are lonely he is not because he has a family. Your daughter is your family and she needs you so much more than MM ever will.

Edited May 16, 2017 by stillafool

[ice3784]

Im the OW. He is a MM. Our affair - 4 years now. 2 years in the dark, 2 years in the light...walking as the 'wife' staying together with the family.4th year...he and his wife are getting back together now. For those who have read my thread before, no..the revow doesnt happened. He kind of unsure himself. I found out that he cheated on me to. But that was 1 year ago. Want to leave him but our relationship bond is strong that we both understand we should be together as long as we can. We still stay together, but cheating on his wife who is 700 miles away...

[aileD]

Go read your other posts and all the advice others gave. You will always feel like you do if YOU don't do something to rid yourself of this man

[sandylee1]

Your actions or inactions

are what gives him the audacity to treat you like this. He's like the sailor with a woman in every port and you allow it, by not removing removing yourself from the situation.

 

If you continue as you are, it's no surprise that your hurt and pain will also continue.

 

It hurts you, because you care. He doesn't care.

 

Put bluntly, you are accepting the sharing of this man's hopping from her vj to yours. That's the reality of it. What's so special about him that you would torture yourself like this.

 

Dedicate your focus to your daughter, otherwise the abandonment will cause issues in her and the cycle repeats.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. Sadly, he treats you badly because you allow him to do so.

 

You have stayed with this man, while he has flip-flopped from woman to woman... even when you thought you "had" him, he was cheating on you. No man is worth that kind of pain.

 

Take care of your daughter. There is no future for you with this man, just more pain...

[Poppy47]

Can't you think for yourself?

 

He has brainwashed you into believing you have to stay with him.

 

You will regret the years lost to your child one day.

 

Poppy

[ice3784]

I dont know why. It just feels like being with each otheŕ is better then being alone..and leaving him alone...i know he wants her. I know he wants them. For the sake of the children he says. And i hate the most he just texted with his wife every single day no matter lies or anyyhing. She just keep on believing. Im stuck here for work. So was he as we move to this city with a new job. I can move out. But i jusy dont want to regret. Invested so many time and emotion on him. Other then he keep texting with his wife. We livin quite good actually now...and...except for the fact he cheated on me that i found out...what happened to me...why i keep giving myself excure for what he had done

[BaileyB]

I dont know why. It just feels like being with each otheŕ is better then being alone..and leaving him alone...i know he wants her. I know he wants them. For the sake of the children he says. And i hate the most he just texted with his wife every single day no matter lies or anyyhing. She just keep on believing. Im stuck here for work. So was he as we move to this city with a new job. I can move out. But i jusy dont want to regret. Invested so many time and emotion on him. Other then he keep texting with his wife. We livin quite good actually now...and...except for the fact he cheated on me that i found out...what happened to me...why i keep giving myself excure for what he had done

 

I can't imagine being so invested in a relationship that I would feel this way... Like staying with this serial cheater is better than being alone and raising your daughter.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about him... I can't imagine that he will be alone for too long. Which is exactly your problem... He doesn't know who's bed he wants to be in most of the time.

 

You talk of regret... Someday, you will regret that you wasted the best years of your life with this man. You will regret the time that you have missed with your daughter. And when she is grown, she will be so angry that you put yourself and this cheating excuse a man before her... I can't imagine.

Edited August 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[Deidre]

It's hard to tell who the ''ow'' is at this point.

 

I'd end this, and go no contact. He doesn't want one woman, he wants women fighting over him. Get away from this jerk. That's all he'll ever be.

[elaine567]

It's hard to tell who the ''ow'' is at this point.

 

I'd end this, and go no contact. He doesn't want one woman, he wants women fighting over him. Get away from this jerk. That's all he'll ever be.

 

Ice3784 is the OW and always has been, he never got divorced, he merely set Ice up in another city, played the "we are a couple" game for a while then he got bored of that and has gone back to his wife and kids.

 

Ice is desperately trying to hold onto her dream, but she is #2 and will continue to be so as long as she lets him stay in her life.

She has done her best to split him and his wife up but they stick together like glue.

 

Now it appears he acquired a #3 a year ago, so she may find someday that she loses her #2 status in favour of another...

 

This man is not worth wasting her life over but as long as she holds on and accepts the situation then no-one can help her.

It is obvious her child is no longer part of her life, the child lives with her parents, so trying to get her to leave him for the child I guess is a fruitless task...

 

She has 4 years invested in this relationship, yes but she is a spent force.

Any power she may have had over this situation is gone.

She either accepts her role as OW, is grateful and learns how to live with it or she walks away.

OR she can drive her self literally mad by banging her head up against a brick wall, as that is essentially what is happening now.

Edited August 27, 2017 by elaine567

[whichwayisup]

This MM is living a double life, not just an affair on the side. He is actually creating this and it's very sad for his wife and for Ice.

[wmacbride]

op,

you have a daughter. would you permit any man to hurt her the way this man is hurting you?

 

If you wouldn't allow you daughter to be hurt like this, why do you allow it for yourself?

 

Remember...she's watching all the time, and you are teaching her about what sort of treatment is acceptable in a relationship.

[BaileyB]

This MM is living a double life, not just an affair on the side. He is actually creating this and it's very sad for his wife and for Ice.

 

 

Very true. What I find really sad is that both women are allowing him to continue with this lifestyle... I would like to think that any woman with any kind of self respect would have kicked this guy to the curb! What an unhealthy way to live for these women and their respective children.

Edited August 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[deadsoul]

This is not the first time I've read someone posting a comment like, "Well, I've spent so much time invested in this relationship that I need to keep going..."

 

Um, no you don't. It's as if it fails, the time is wasted? The longer you keep staying in limbo like this is the longer you are wasting time. Use the time spent to learn a lesson from it and move on.

 

I hope you learn that you deserve better and this guy is treating you this way because you let him.

 

I get all the emotions involved, really I do. Because it's so easy for me to spout this stuff because I don't have the emotions toward this guy that you do...

 

Remember your actions are modeling to your daughter of how she should be treated in a relationship. That was a hard lesson for me. If you can't think about your well-being, think of hers. By the way, I'm still not clear: is the kid his?