Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]

[anika99]

This will never change until you grow a backbone and start having some self respect.

[BaileyB]

This is not the first time I've read someone posting a comment like, "Well, I've spent so much time invested in this relationship that I need to keep going..."

 

Um, no you don't. It's as if it fails, the time is wasted? The longer you keep staying in limbo like this is the longer you are wasting time. Use the time spent to learn a lesson from it and move on.

 

To quote the illustrious Dr Phil...

 

"The only thing worse than wasting two years of your life in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is to waste two years, and one day, of your life in an unhealthy or abusive relationship."

 

The longer you stay with this man, the more time you waste that could have been spent with your daughter.

[ice3784]

maybe this is the 2nd serious attempt to leave. the 1st time i attempt to leave, i got myself a new job, which i am working now. it hurts so much that time to know that they are reconciling. this time, i cant get a new job, cos its still less than a year. i had found a place, i can move in by next week. i went to arrange it last week. but im so confuse. if i leave, ,nothings good gonna happen. if i choose to stay at least there is a chance things gonna be better. at least at the meantime, we are still together. wasnt that so ? if i choose to leave, of course they will get together clearly, or someone else will come along into his life ? isnt this so ? i cant go back to live or work near my daughter, there isnt any job there, i am stuck here for work. please get this.... i cant quit my job, i have parents to support, a house and car on mortage...im thinking to call the wife, to tell here that we are still together, that she is being cheated again too, but im doing this so that i can cut off once and for all, he will be very angry with me im sure its cruel enough to break the ties between us....

[BTDT2012]

maybe this is the 2nd serious attempt to leave. the 1st time i attempt to leave, i got myself a new job, which i am working now. it hurts so much that time to know that they are reconciling. this time, i cant get a new job, cos its still less than a year. i had found a place, i can move in by next week. i went to arrange it last week. but im so confuse. if i leave, ,nothings good gonna happen. if i choose to stay at least there is a chance things gonna be better. at least at the meantime, we are still together. wasnt that so ? if i choose to leave, of course they will get together clearly, or someone else will come along into his life ? isnt this so ? i cant go back to live or work near my daughter, there isnt any job there, i am stuck here for work. please get this.... i cant quit my job, i have parents to support, a house and car on mortage...im thinking to call the wife, to tell here that we are still together, that she is being cheated again too, but im doing this so that i can cut off once and for all, he will be very angry with me im sure its cruel enough to break the ties between us....

 

If you stay, nothing good is going to happen for you.

 

You already told his wife once, what did that change for you? How many ways does he have to show you that your position is his life is sidechick. Have some love and respect for yourself. It's up to you to break the ties.

[ice3784]

thanks everyone for your response, regardless its negative or not, at least i know I'm not alone. When i found out that he cheated on me, my heart died and i wanted to leave. But he did put some effort to hold me back. due to insecure i crack his fb and sosial media to check if he has any other 'partners'. And he found out. never the less, the forgive me. yesterday something happened. Don't know how, his wife get one of our old picture, back in year 2015, without reasoning he texted me with words as harsh as possible saying that I'm doing nothing good but damage to his life. he told me to leave. its hurt me, it hurt everything. i told him if i really wanted to expose our picture, i should expose the ones where we are in bed to hurt the wife more. but he don't listen. he forgot how he needed me to help him during his rough times. i fight back, we had a very bad argument. I will keep posting here, as i know this time, i am leaving for sure, and i will be having a very rough time.

im seeking support for everyone.

4 years relationship.

i cant even breath normal today.

[wmacbride]

thanks everyone for your response, regardless its negative or not, at least i know I'm not alone. When i found out that he cheated on me, my heart died and i wanted to leave. But he did put some effort to hold me back. due to insecure i crack his fb and sosial media to check if he has any other 'partners'. And he found out. never the less, the forgive me. yesterday something happened. Don't know how, his wife get one of our old picture, back in year 2015, without reasoning he texted me with words as harsh as possible saying that I'm doing nothing good but damage to his life. he told me to leave. its hurt me, it hurt everything. i told him if i really wanted to expose our picture, i should expose the ones where we are in bed to hurt the wife more. but he don't listen. he forgot how he needed me to help him during his rough times. i fight back, we had a very bad argument. I will keep posting here, as i know this time, i am leaving for sure, and i will be having a very rough time.

im seeking support for everyone.

4 years relationship.

i cant even breath normal today.

 

OP,

This man is ABUSIVE to both you and his wife.

 

He may not be using his fists, but both you and his wife have become his emotional punching bags. He is treating you both like crap, and my dear, both of you deserve so much better than his abusive treatment.

 

If he was hitting you with his fists instead of words, would you stay? Would that be okay? I ope your answer is "no".

 

If you won't put up with him hurting you physically, why are you sticking around to let him abuse you emotionally and mentally? You and your daughter deserve so much better.

 

At my husband's last posting, I did a lot of work with women and men who were trying to get out of an abusive relationship. You sound just like them. Mental abuse can hurt even more than physical abuse. Abusers like this guy you are fretting over instinctively know how to keep their partner off kilter and hurting. It's the cycle of abuse. He'll hurt you and hurt you, until he sees he;s gone too far, then the love bombing begins. He'll promise you the world, he's so sorry, he'll never hurt you again, but you know, maybe if you didn't do x, y or z he wouldn't have to hurt you. Then, once he sees he's got you reeled back in, the cruel words ad treatment starts all over again. Sound familiar?

 

If you are really struggling, try contacting an organization that helps abused men and women find their way out.

 

Both you and his wife have wasted far too much time on this spoiled little brat of a man boy. I would tell her that if she were here, but she's not. You are. Do you really want to waste any more time on this jackass?

[ice3784]

Fake it till i make it. Im crying while packing. Not sure if there is anyone online right now. Im just sitting on the floor broken. Im scared. I felt like this is real. Im leaving him. He wil be alone. I will be alone. Why cant he come home and tell me he is sorry and fix this. Why is he so cruel he know i am leaving. I already pack half yesterday and he saw it. He write on my fb said good bye and take care. In case i need anything dont hesitate to look for him. He forgot he is all i had in this town. He ask me to come here with him. I even change my job so that i can work here near him. I know if i bring my daughter here she will end up spending the day in nursery as i am working so she is fine with her grandparents , please dont bash me about being cruel to my daughter. She is staying with my parents and my sister and my younger brother who isnt married yet and its a better home with more love for her. Im really so broken and he can just live his life so normal ? After all that he did ? Dont he felt sorry for what he have said and how unfair he was ? To take care of the wife feeling, 1 pic of us being seen is such a huge chaos ? While the whole world know we are together ?

[anika99]

You will be okay. You were okay before you met him and you will be okay again.

 

I understand that you are grieving and very hurt and that is normal but the pain that you are feeling now is the same pain that got heaped on his wife a couple of years ago when he left her for the woman he had been cheating with. Since it was fine for him to toss his wife aside as used goods and that was okay with you, why would expect anything different from him when it comes to you? You are not the first person he has hurt like this. He broke his wife's heart first and you didn't have a problem with that. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it so you can stop feeling like a victim and wallowing in victim hood because that won't help you move on.

 

I think you should consider going back home to your daughter and starting your life over being her mom. You left her to be with your MM but it's not too late to go back and make amends.

[ice3784]

Fake it till i make it. Im crying while packing. Not sure if there is anyone online right now. Im just sitting on the floor broken. Im scared. I felt like this is real. Im leaving him. He wil be alone. I will be alone. Why cant he come home and tell me he is sorry and fix this. Why is he so cruel he know i am leaving. I already pack half yesterday and he saw it. He write on my fb said good bye and take care. In case i need anything dont hesitate to look for him. He forgot he is all i had in this town. He ask me to come here with him. I even change my job so that i can work here near him. I know if i bring my daughter here she will end up spending the day in nursery as i am working so she is fine with her grandparents , please dont bash me about being cruel to my daughter. She is staying with my parents and my sister and my younger brother who isnt married yet and its a better home with more love for her. Im really so broken and he can just live his life so normal ? After all that he did ? Dont he felt sorry for what he have said and how unfair he was ? To take care of the wife feeling, 1 pic of us being seen is such a huge chaos ? While the whole world know we are together ?

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you are hurting...

 

But, let's not forget that you made these decisions. You made the decision to become involved with a married man. You made the decision to leave your daughter and get a new job - moving away from your family to be closer to this man. You made some very bad decisions and you got yourself into this mess... And now, you have to pull yourself out.

 

Don't worry about him. He already has another woman in his bed and he will probably soon have another woman on the side... He is not alone.

 

And, his life stayed the same because he set the rules in this relationship. He set the rules such that he could have a double life with you, and go back to his wife whenever he wanted. You signed onto this when you agreed to become the other woman... You just believed that he would leave her and want to be with you. You didn't accept the reality of the situation and kick his butt to the curb when it became obvious that this wasn't what was meant to happen. So yeah, he gets to go back to his wife and continue on with his life because it is exactly as he designed it to be...

 

You should be glad to be leaving this man because the way that he is behaving toward you is abusive. Find some support - go to a women's shelter and get yourself some counselling. I wish you good luck.

Edited August 31, 2017 by BaileyB

[wmacbride]

OP,

Look, you asked how he can do all this?

 

Do you really want to know why?

 

He can do it because he is one big ( expletive deleted) who has the moral compass of a slug.

 

Sorry, I tell a lie. Even a slug has a better sense of morality than he does.

 

He has hurt you like this because he is an abuser who really doesn't care about anyone other than himself.

 

This is what has allowed him to hurt you, know that he has, and not care.

 

It sounds like you are really hurting, and your life in spinning out of control. That's an awful place to be, but the good news is you have a lot more control than you realize...you've juts lost sight of that somehow.

 

Right now, close your eyes an take a deep breath. Try and clear your mind. Once you are feeling a bit more relaxed, think of one thing in your life you have control over. There are lots of them. Focus on that and let it build.

 

It really sounds to me like you have lost "you" in all of this. That's not good, but you can find your way back. It will take time, and if you can find support to help you, please take it.

 

I know it's hard to accept that someone you love can hurt you. This guy is toxic to everyone he touches.

[BTDT2012]

OP, I hope you will get some counseling. You have learned some hard lessons. Never put yourself in this position again. Make finding yourself your priority. All the best to you.

[ice3784]

I know im stupid doing this. i called the wife again. i dont know, i was just pissed of when i read his mother text to him, YES, i read his fb conversation becos i felt insecure after i saw him texting early in the morning, and i found out that the mother inform that the wife planned to file for divorce. the mother tried to stop him from divorce and told him that she dont want to be apart with the grandchild. then she start trashing me. i was so angry, why during all those time when i was staying with her, she happily accept me and such, told me bull**** and even use my money. i mean, i gave sincerely for her to spen on groceries, hair etc. but i never thought in the end she would said bad things behind me to her son. plus the anger that havent fully subside about finding out that he had another gf behind me, i called the wife and blow everything out. she was so cunning she recorded it and forwarded it to him. he has keep quite, he didnt come back to me, no anger, no blocking me in whatsapp, no nothing.

im scared as he can act violent before, i packed my stuff and leave a note to tell him that im sorry, i cannot take this anymore and i wanted to leave.

yes, for those who read my post, you might wonder why on earth i was still with him when i just posted that im leaving last week.

The reason is we both was so broken on the night before i move out, we cried hugging each other and we had a makeover sex.

and we agreed to hold on the relationship as long as possible, and we both agree that we will not have forever.

i dont know, i think i just blow everything up by calling his wife and telling her we are still together.

how stupid can i be.

[ice3784]

OP,

Look, you asked how he can do all this?

 

Do you really want to know why?

 

He can do it because he is one big ( expletive deleted) who has the moral compass of a slug.

 

Sorry, I tell a lie. Even a slug has a better sense of morality than he does.

 

He has hurt you like this because he is an abuser who really doesn't care about anyone other than himself.

 

This is what has allowed him to hurt you, know that he has, and not care.

 

It sounds like you are really hurting, and your life in spinning out of control. That's an awful place to be, but the good news is you have a lot more control than you realize...you've juts lost sight of that somehow.

 

Right now, close your eyes an take a deep breath. Try and clear your mind. Once you are feeling a bit more relaxed, think of one thing in your life you have control over. There are lots of them. Focus on that and let it build.

 

It really sounds to me like you have lost "you" in all of this. That's not good, but you can find your way back. It will take time, and if you can find support to help you, please take it.

 

I know it's hard to accept that someone you love can hurt you. This guy is toxic to everyone he touches.

i dont know why im so attached to him, even everyone that knows my story in reality can tell that he is using me, and do no good to me. i guess all his small effort from time to time makes me satisfy to validate that he was really care for me, for example, he bought me flowers and took me to nice dinner after we fight when i found out he has another girl outside. and i easily forgive him. i keep tell myself i love this guy and one day this will all be worthed. i dont know, part of me know we are going no where, but we just need each other.

[S2B]

Please get some professional help. You really need professional guidance dear. Hurry.

[ice3784]

i live in south east asia, i dont think there is any professional centre for this kind of problem...you all are the only people i can open up shameless and be honest with

[ice3784]

he didnt block me in his wassap. he didnt text me to curse or say harsh things to me. he didnt said anything to me. just complete silence. even i text him and said im sorry, i was too emotional. no reply. i dont know whats going on, but i know i had make him and his wife a big chaos. my friend told me that i should go back and apologize to him face to face, and sort it out in adult way.

But im scared he will abuse me like he once did if im back home to him.

should i ask him out and apologize to him ? he did apologize to me when i found out he was cheating on me. he did come home and volunteer to sleep on the other room.

but my mistake is huge. and i did it on purpose. well so was him when he cheated on me and watch me leave my family apart for him.

im confuse.

Any guy here ?

Whats on his mind ?

[pheonixrisen]

i dont know why im so attached to him, even everyone that knows my story in reality can tell that he is using me, and do no good to me. i guess all his small effort from time to time makes me satisfy to validate that he was really care for me, for example, he bought me flowers and took me to nice dinner after we fight when i found out he has another girl outside. and i easily forgive him. i keep tell myself i love this guy and one day this will all be worthed. i dont know, part of me know we are going no where, but we just need each other.

 

First you cannot buy his mother love and affection by giving money for grocery and hair .

And you cannot buy his love by letting him use you .

 

Sorry but from your whole thread this is not going to be worth it for you.

 

You are completely lost and attached to this man at very unhealthy level .even abandoning your own child .these are your choices and action and you may think he should appreciate what you are doing and done for him.but in this situation it's not going to happen .

 

You are his ow .you.his wife.or any other woman he has sex with is of no importance he is an ******* period who ever needs to be discarded at a particular time and place he will do that .all your crying /begging will not help .

 

Even now his silence is his way of controlling you and and this situation...while you are all over the place .

 

Get your self together.and force yourself to move away as far from him and this situation otherwise the only place you are going is rock bottom. Thier is no light or rainbow at the end of this tunnel.

 

Move away.he is an ******* of the worst kind

[ice3784]

I dont have to apologize for creating such a huge mess ? They might really be divorcing. I dont know. But i blow up his lies.....

[BaileyB]

He's abusive to you and violent?

 

You both are fighting over a man who is abusive to you?

 

You need to leave this man. Go to your parents.

[Veronica73]

I dont have to apologize for creating such a huge mess ? They might really be divorcing. I dont know. But i blow up his lies.....

 

No, you don't have to apologize to him. He made the mess.

[stillafool]

He's back with his wife because that is where he wants to be. It has nothing to do with his kids no matter what he has told you. He's been away from his kids for a long time so why now does he want to be with them? His mother was nice to you because she loves her son and will stick by him no matter what but she has always been loyal to his wife who gave her grand kids. His mother doesn't want her grand kids growing up in a broken home. It is time for you to stop putting so much love and attention towards someone else's husband and redirect that attention to your daughter. Work this hard to be in your daughter's life and creating a proper home for her to grow up in. It is not your other relatives responsibility to raise her while you chase a MM because your daughter needs you. A man is not that important to have in your life but your daughter is. She is the only one who will love you until the end if you treat her right. I will never understand why some women put men before their kids.

[GollumsNightmare]

Quote:

I had a devil inside me wanted to send our picture to the wife. To stir a chaos so that i felt better. To get some attention. Quote from you

 

Quote from me: It is so sad that it takes hurting someone else to make you feel better. Maybe that is something you need to talk about with a counselor. Let a counselor talk you through these feelings and help you find a more appropriate way to deal with them.

 

This relationship is toxic to everyone. It is not a great love affair. You deserve better. Everyone involved deserves better, especially your daughter.

 

My advice -from April- is the same. This circus just continues over and over. It is a sick, damaging cycle for all of you. Please get out.

[elaine567]

His mother was on board originally, not because she liked you in particular but because she needed to support her son. Now he is on the reconciliation path she supports him and his wife and trashes you. YOU are surplus to requirements as far as she is concerned, you cause trouble, you may lose her her grand kids, and she now wants you gone.

 

As for him, maybe this time you pushed it too far and if he does divorce and loses his wife and his kids, he may hate you.

Calling the wife again was a risky strategy on your part, but you knew that already but you were running out of any other ideas... You saw a weakness, a potential crack, and you were determined to open it wider.

 

How do you envisage this working out?

He divorces, he comes to you and everything is happy ever after?

Do you really think either of you can forgive and forget all that has gone before? The drama, the toxicity, the violence, the cheating...

His wife will not disappear either, she will always be the mother of his children and thus will always then be in your life.

Is this really what you want?

[OWAmy]

I didn't realise OP that you were in Southern Asia and I say that only because it helps me to see more of where you're coming from culturally.

 

For your sake I wish this MM would end it totally. It would be so much easier for you if you were the one to end it but it doesn't look as though you can take the reins and do it. I see the further phone call as an attempt to rile him up to get the truth from him. You know he's not been totally honest with you and his little words and actions no longer pacify you.

 

Please go home and be around your family.