Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]

[whichwayisup]

I wish you strength and courage to end your A and never see/speak to MM again.

 

I agree with a few others who have suggested you go back home. This man has made a mess of his life/family life and you've gone along on that ride. Time for it all to stop. Please! You're making unhealthy choices and doing a lot of damage to yourself.

[MJJean]

I dont have to apologize for creating such a huge mess ? They might really be divorcing. I dont know. But i blow up his lies.....

 

If they divorce it is no one's fault but his. You owe him absolutely nothing, not even an apology.

[ice3784]

Dear all, im here reading all of ur comments and advise. I hav been staying in a backpackers for 2 nights now. After i wrote here should i apologize or not, i texted an apology to him. I confess that im upset and angry towards him and i also apology for the huge damage i have caused. Guess i should have read all of ur comments before i send it to him. He did read my whatsapp but he didnt reply anything. In ending i told him, im sorry this time i purposely hurt everyone , im ashamed to ask for your forgiveness and i dont dare to put any hope in this relationship anymore. And i said a goodbye then i blocked his whatsapp. I know im a fool for taking the blame im sorry everyone. But i wont unblock his wassap from now on. Hope im strong enough to go through a successful no contact period to end this once and for all.

[OWAmy]

Dear OP, hope that you are doing okay. Sounds like you're getting to rock bottom and sometimes that's the only way that a person can move on with their life and up.

 

How long will you be staying in the backpackers hostel? Are you off work right now? Have you vacated the house you share? What plan, if any, however vague do you have for a few days time?

 

If I was you I'd think realistically I'd allow myself the luxury of a few days wallowing in tears and upset until you are worn out by it all. This has usually worked for me in my very low points.

 

It doesn't matter that you tried to apologise against the advice of posters on here. It's done, but PLEASE make attempts not to reach out again to MM or his wife.

 

Do you still have financial ties with MM? Does he still owe you money or will you write this off?

 

Feel for you OP. Have had bad times in my life, but it's never too late to start anew and learn some painful lessons.

[ice3784]

Dear OP, hope that you are doing okay. Sounds like you're getting to rock bottom and sometimes that's the only way that a person can move on with their life and up.

 

How long will you be staying in the backpackers hostel? Are you off work right now? Have you vacated the house you share? What plan, if any, however vague do you have for a few days time?

 

If I was you I'd think realistically I'd allow myself the luxury of a few days wallowing in tears and upset until you are worn out by it all. This has usually worked for me in my very low points.

 

It doesn't matter that you tried to apologise against the advice of posters on here. It's done, but PLEASE make attempts not to reach out again to MM or his wife.

 

Do you still have financial ties with MM? Does he still owe you money or will you write this off?

 

Feel for you OP. Have had bad times in my life, but it's never too late to start anew and learn some painful lessons.

Yes. We are tied up financially for at least couple more years on the house that he bought. Its a huge sum of money that he owes me and he will paid me in installent over the years. He stil have my car key as of today. I have move some of my items as i ran away since 2 days ago when i found out the wife has recorded my confession to her and forwarded it to him. I know he would just leave me, since the incident that happen before had shown that he can just ditch me if i do slight damage to his reconciliation process. I just felt bad that i caused this chaos hence i feel there is a need to apologize. I dont understand why he dont felt sorry for what has happened to me ? But its ok. I dont need anything from him...right...

[OWAmy]

Yes - you don't need him in your life but obviously you need to square up the money situation and this rental house. Is he going to pay all the rent too?

 

Right now my cynical mind is thinking he'll maybe pay a couple of instalments (if that) and then stop paying so I'd bare that in mind next time the guilt washes over you; the likelihood is that he will not pay you. He says he will, but would you trust this man?

 

His wife deserved to know and was probably suspicious. If he had been more transparent with you - and a part of caring is telling a person the truth despite how painful it might be for them to hear it then I dare say you might not have made that call. His trying to please you both and desperate attempts to avoid conflict and gain sympathy is what led you to make that call. Hope his wife uses it as extra ammunication against him and life becomes more uncomfortable for him.

 

What will you do about this rental house and your job?

[OWAmy]

I would decide what is best for you - move back in the house and bar him entry or leave the house. What options do you have because you need to start formulating a plan. You've being in limbo a long time now but luckily that looks set to change.

 

Remove him from that equation!! Time to start getting selfish because I don't see this as a man who acknowledges or respects a woman who bends over backwards for him. He is much more likely to respond if you are firm and to the point - getting your money back should be high up there

 

All this time you have been posting on here he has been taking action. Scurrying back and forth. I bet his life is not spiralling out of control or at a standstill. Now is the time for you to become stronger and get angry about how you have been treated - the confusion he has caused.

 

Can I just ask you this - had he been willing to accept you and your daughter, would you have kept her with you?

[ice3784]

I would decide what is best for you - move back in the house and bar him entry or leave the house. What options do you have because you need to start formulating a plan. You've being in limbo a long time now but luckily that looks set to change.

 

Remove him from that equation!! Time to start getting selfish because I don't see this as a man who acknowledges or respects a woman who bends over backwards for him. He is much more likely to respond if you are firm and to the point - getting your money back should be high up there

 

All this time you have been posting on here he has been taking action. Scurrying back and forth. I bet his life is not spiralling out of control or at a standstill. Now is the time for you to become stronger and get angry about how you have been treated - the confusion he has caused.

 

Can I just ask you this - had he been willing to accept you and your daughter, would you have kept her with you?

yes, he does accept me and my daughter. its just that he can never let the wife knows about my existence. the wife did caught us once, and she left the house. now they are on reconciliation, based on the lies that he had left me, she believe it blindly. and i got hurt every single day seeing they get closer and closer. both of them uses the children as excuses. divorce or not, the children are always far from him. its ridiculous, and having the children in a broken marriage is absolutely pointless. they just cant admit that. i still hold the house key. i also unsure will he stop paying me the monies ? at the moment things are very sour between me and the rest of the family members, suddenly i was the one who destroy their marriage when all this while we lived together and they acknowledge my existence ?

[ice3784]

Yes - you don't need him in your life but obviously you need to square up the money situation and this rental house. Is he going to pay all the rent too?

 

Right now my cynical mind is thinking he'll maybe pay a couple of instalments (if that) and then stop paying so I'd bare that in mind next time the guilt washes over you; the likelihood is that he will not pay you. He says he will, but would you trust this man?

 

His wife deserved to know and was probably suspicious. If he had been more transparent with you - and a part of caring is telling a person the truth despite how painful it might be for them to hear it then I dare say you might not have made that call. His trying to please you both and desperate attempts to avoid conflict and gain sympathy is what led you to make that call. Hope his wife uses it as extra ammunication against him and life becomes more uncomfortable for him.

 

What will you do about this rental house and your job?

thank you for supporting my action, there are moments i regret why am i so stupid to contact the wife and breaks this relationship, there are moments i blame myself, if i can just suck it up, maybe i still can enjoy the crumbs in this relationship. i just so confuse of what is happening, im very scared they really went back together, she move into the house that i have prepared with him, all the furniture that i chooses with him, the kitchen where i use to cook for him, it was us to started that home from scratch, i know she wants to claim it..when she found out about our relationship, she didnt ask for divorce, instead she sue both of us, and demanded 5000 compensation for having relationship outside marriage, which the law insisted us to pay.

[ice3784]

Start to go crazy, even i had texted him to say im sorry, for my stupidity of calling the wife and blowing his cover up, he havent said a single word. he didnt block me on his wassap but i did becos i cant stand the pressure of wondering whats in his mind, is he angry or broken or what. i already tell him im sorry for creating such a big mess in his life and yet no respond. fine. I had to leave i know. but today i cant work. i start to stalk his fb, his email. im scared. if i lost his access, i will not know what he is doing. i dont want to lost him, i know he is bad for me, but im holding hope that he will take me back. i felt im shameless, worthless, and i want him to want me back. i want him to appreciate what i have done and i want him to forgive me. omg whats happening to me. i just want him to validate that all this while this is all real and he really want me no matter what has happen...struggling hard, so many things in my head. i didnt contacted him, only 1 apology last night before i block his wassap till now.....

[BTDT2012]

Start to go crazy, even i had texted him to say im sorry, for my stupidity of calling the wife and blowing his cover up, he havent said a single word. he didnt block me on his wassap but i did becos i cant stand the pressure of wondering whats in his mind, is he angry or broken or what. i already tell him im sorry for creating such a big mess in his life and yet no respond. fine. I had to leave i know. but today i cant work. i start to stalk his fb, his email. im scared. if i lost his access, i will not know what he is doing. i dont want to lost him, i know he is bad for me, but im holding hope that he will take me back. i felt im shameless, worthless, and i want him to want me back. i want him to appreciate what i have done and i want him to forgive me. omg whats happening to me. i just want him to validate that all this while this is all real and he really want me no matter what has happen...struggling hard, so many things in my head. i didnt contacted him, only 1 apology last night before i block his wassap till now.....

 

 

He is trying to convince his wife to stay with him. Please, please move on with your life. Look for a job close to your daughter. How many different ways does he have to tell you that you will never be first? With each new detail that you share it becomes more and more clear that being with him is detrimental to you. Please love yourself enough to put him firmly behind you and never look back.

[elaine567]

...I even apologize to him after the mess but he ignored. I force myself to leave. Today is day 3. I secrectly hope he will contact me and ask me to stay. I want him even he treat me bad. I dont know why. I just seems lost without him. I miss sleeping next to him. I keep stalking his social media. I know he is bad for me. I know this relationship is bad for his marriage.

I know he is fine with his wife and he act very well, telling her he loves her and the kids everyday.

I want that too.

I want him to love me.

Telling her was part of the plan to make sure she know im here.

I want to be acknowledge.

I dont want to be hidden.

I dont want to be dump either...

 

OK, I get why you did it, I get why you are hurting, I get you need to be acknowledged, but you now need to let it go.

Enough is enough.

This is a man who has kids who need him.

He can't be part of a game any longer.

This is real life here.

He can't have you AND his kids so he is letting you go, but again you have caused chaos and drama in his and his kids lives.

YES he may be a [insert derogatory word of choice], but his kids do not deserve to see their mother crying and upset and threatening divorce.

It has all boiled down to YOU vs his family and his family won.

The more you act crazy and cause drama the more you hurt innocent people.

Stop it for their sake and for your own sake too.

You need to be with a man who loves you and only you, not some guy who is cheating on his wife and "cheated" on you too with his OW#2, lest you forget.

Haven't you wasted enough of your life on this man?

[georgia girl]

I've,

 

Is there a woman's shelter near you or access to behavioral health treatment? Or can you take an emergency leave and go home to be with your family for a little bit?

 

The desperation in your posts is a bit alarming and I think you are waiting for your MM to come save you but a) I don't think he's going to this time and b) if he does it would be the worst thing in the world for you. You are on such a self-destructive path and you can't see it.

 

In every person's life there comes a seriously bad patch. It is the patch where we learn who we are and how tough we actually are, but only in hindsight. Going through it literally breaks us. You seem to be there and you seem painfully desperate. Please get help. Please don't rely on the MM to come rescue you. Please rescue yourself.

 

No recriminitations. Just please get help from someone else if you can't save yourself.

 

Hugs,

GG

[BaileyB]

The desperation in your posts is a bit alarming and I think you are waiting for your MM to come save you but a) I don't think he's going to this time and b) if he does it would be the worst thing in the world for you. You are on such a self-destructive path and you can't see it.

 

This is it. You are falling apart and you must pull yourself together.

Go to your family if you can or find some kind of support.

He is gone. It is over. You must move on.

Do this for yourself. Do it for your daughter.

This is your fork in the road... the rest of your life is dependent on the fact that you should leave this man behind and build a healthier future for yourself.

 

Take care.

[ice3784]

He called. 30 over missed call. We texted. Argued. He hate me so much for called his wife. He felt so betrayed. But he managed to pull it off. He manage to prove to his wife that he is staying on his own and all that i said is lies. He wanted me back. Continue what we hav. He forgive me for the attempt to blow his cover up that i have made. At 4 am. I met him. He just hug me and said lets rest we are both so tired. We had makeup sex. Im so confuse. Alone in home now.

[pheonixrisen]

He called. 30 over missed call. We texted. Argued. He hate me so much for called his wife. He felt so betrayed. But he managed to pull it off. He manage to prove to his wife that he is staying on his own and all that i said is lies. He wanted me back. Continue what we hav. He forgive me for the attempt to blow his cover up that i have made. At 4 am. I met him. He just hug me and said lets rest we are both so tired. We had makeup sex. Im so confuse. Alone in home now.

 

O.o I was going to give a different feedback .till I read your last .

 

This now what you are /what you are going through /and what you are about to go through is NOT HIS FAULT IT'S YOURS.

 

you could have moved state and put as much distance between you and him started a new life begin to heal ...but no instead you went right back to the situation ...and now the mm has bravely progressed to telling you exactly what your position is .you are the ow .wife is the primary relationship. You are a door mat with the way he has treated you.

 

So hence forth zip your mouth and start living your status quo. This pig is not leaving his marriage .you are going to be spending years in this trauma .till your daughter grows up .and by then you will be discarded and be right where you were right now (a few years later) how long do you really think this will go on for?

 

Letting him actually tell you I sorted it out with the wifey and now you can come back too.... this pig has his life made for him.he just easily waltzed back and put the whole blame on you .

 

You don't have anyone to blame but your self .you wished and hoped he would return you got your wish .welcome to the 100th chapter of the nightmare life that you are living .and you gave up your own child for this??? For this nightmare .

[imsosad]

Oh, Ice.

Your posts are painful to read.

You are making awful choices. Literally ruining your life for an obsession.

I am sure you've been asked this on this threaf but let me ask again:

Ten, fifteen, twenty years from now your daughter will ask you- Mom, where were you when I was growing up? Why didn't you raise me? Why were you not there to take care of me?

What are you going to day?

That you were busy chasing someone else's husband? That you cared more about a man than about her? That you can live without your daughter but not without him?

Don't go back for more humiliation. You have let him take advantage of you for long enough.

I am certain you have some resources. Family, friends, faith, wahtever. It is time to summon up all your strengh and change the course of your life.

Right now, this man is pushing you to disaster and you are helping him.

If you say you can not recieve couselling where you live, please know that some therapists are now working via skyp. Make sure you check out and verify certifications, but counselling is available anywhere. You need it urgently.

[BaileyB]

He called. 30 over missed call. We texted. Argued. He hate me so much for called his wife. He felt so betrayed. But he managed to pull it off. He manage to prove to his wife that he is staying on his own and all that i said is lies. He wanted me back. Continue what we hav. He forgive me for the attempt to blow his cover up that i have made. At 4 am. I met him. He just hug me and said lets rest we are both so tired. We had makeup sex. Im so confuse. Alone in home now.

 

Indeed. This is my last post to you. I'm done trying to convince you that it is in your best interest to leave this man.

 

You have chosen to stay in this horribly unhealthy relationship with this very abusive man. It is so true, every bit of pain that you have felt/will feel from this relationship is your fault, not his fault, because you have chosen this for yourself. You are making absolutely terrible decisions, but nothing will convince you otherwise.

 

Your daughter will absolutely hate you for this.

 

This man will come and go from your life, but your daughter is the relationship you will have forever. And, she will definitely hate you for choosing this abusive man over her. At least, you are not exposing her to this relationship and allowing her to grow up in what I would hope, is a healthy and stable home with your parents.

 

I wish you well.

[georgia girl]

He called. 30 over missed call. We texted. Argued. He hate me so much for called his wife. He felt so betrayed. But he managed to pull it off. He manage to prove to his wife that he is staying on his own and all that i said is lies. He wanted me back. Continue what we hav. He forgive me for the attempt to blow his cover up that i have made. At 4 am. I met him. He just hug me and said lets rest we are both so tired. We had makeup sex. Im so confuse. Alone in home now.

 

This made me ill. Ice, you are self-harming. I genuinely wish someone in your life would step forward and take control - and take you out of - this situation. I have to be done. I can't continue to try and help someone who is this hell-bent on self-destruction. This man is an obsession for you. This is clearly painfully unhealthy and yet you literally survive on this. Please take care. I do wish you well but I see that I cannot help.

[BTDT2012]

He called. 30 over missed call. We texted. Argued. He hate me so much for called his wife. He felt so betrayed. But he managed to pull it off. He manage to prove to his wife that he is staying on his own and all that i said is lies. He wanted me back. Continue what we hav. He forgive me for the attempt to blow his cover up that i have made. At 4 am. I met him. He just hug me and said lets rest we are both so tired. We had makeup sex. Im so confuse. Alone in home now.

 

This is the saddest thing I have read here.

From this point on, any misery that you experience rests squarely on your shoulders. He has shown you exactly who he is and what your place is. He will use you and your financial resources until you are bled dry.

[ice3784]

Sorry everyone if i annyoned or irritated u all.

We talked last night and he knows he is destroying me. He apologize for all he has done and we agree to split in good ways. He need time to move out so we are looking at another week together and he will leave. He should be with his wife and kids, regardless even after this if he is physically alone here, i shouldnt even go near him. He might get a new gf. I bet he would. But at least im free from waking up next to seeing my beloved man texting another women.

I understand now.

Becos during the conversation. He tear up. But he said he love both of us. And he want both of us to be happy. And if he with her, i cant be happy.

[pumpkinpie1]

Ice..I honestly think the help you need is far beyond what anyone on this website can give you. You are unhealthily obsessed with this man. To the point where you were willing to abandon your child, your own flesh and blood, to live with someone who is, at best, wishy washy about you.

 

Please get professional help - a message board cannot provide the level of help you need.

[adna89]

I feel sorry for your daughters,they ar with your parents while their mother is out after a married man .My ex boyfriends mom was the same,7 years after a married man ,,she was a widow but still it was crazy,he is now grown up but he never has forgiven her

[OWAmy]

I don't think anyone is annoyed with you ... we are just saddened that the situation continues. My fears for you will escalate later on in the week as the leaving date gets close and the situation gets more emotional.

 

I don't know what support symptoms are in place in Southern Asia. Do you have access to psychotherapists, support groups etc?

 

Ice, it doesn't sound as though you plan to stay in this rented house. Are you going to be the one to move out. Could be a good start for you at getting your life back on track ... or going in a completely different direction. Nothing worse than being surrounded by memories.

 

What has he said about repaying the money. It would be really good, if you haven't already, to get something solid put in place.

[OWAmy]

I feel sorry for your daughters,they ar with your parents while their mother is out after a married man .My ex boyfriends mom was the same,7 years after a married man ,,she was a widow but still it was crazy,he is now grown up but he never has forgiven her

 

This situation is not as clear cut - Ice was in a relationship with this man after he separated from his wife,m (so an affair and then a separation then reconciling with his wife) they had to pay his wife compensation for infidelity, they had a home together, but there was a lot of unfinished business, a lot of loose ends. Another thing - in parts of the world it is entirely normal for members of your family to raise your kids whilst you go off and work elsewhere. Some of these things we are judging by western standards. I know I was before Ice mentioned she lived in Southern Asia.