Stay or Leave [UPDATE: I called his wife]

[pheonixrisen]

This situation is not as clear cut - Ice was in a relationship with this man after he separated from his wife,m (so an affair and then a separation then reconciling with his wife) they had to pay his wife compensation for infidelity, they had a home together, but there was a lot of unfinished business, a lot of loose ends. Another thing - in parts of the world it is entirely normal for members of your family to raise your kids whilst you go off and work elsewhere. Some of these things we are judging by western standards. I know I was before Ice mentioned she lived in Southern Asia.

 

I am Asian And i agreee with your post as a lot of mothers do leave thier children in care of parents or nannies to earn a better living in another city or country so they can give thier their children a better quality of life .

 

But nobody here judged her based on that ...what most posters don't get and are providing feed back about is she left to be in another city with the married man who treats her like Doormat .not to provide a better living for her child but to be with the married man .she has a child and she let a man bleed her dry financially (still married guy) and what's worst is that after continuous bad treatment she still stays and would rather be away from the child for this pig of a man

 

Its a very long road from an affair to a separation in marriage to an actual divorce people change their mind all the time.whats the hurry to play house with a guy who has not filed for divorce or move city /give up your job /your child and try to buy his love by letting him bleed you dry .

 

He is still married .

Edited September 10, 2017 by pheonixrisen

[OWAmy]

My reply was to one poster.

 

I am with you Phoenix and agree with most of what you say.

 

Would love Ice to come to her senses - realise there is no future with this man and that this level of hurt is unsustainable and will only get worse until he is eliminated from her life. Whilst she's in this intense emotional situation I can't imagine that she can even think straight about anything else - no matter how important it is.

[adna89]

One thing,what was marriage with wife going to make better for the kids when he is not with them nor does the wife think he is away but still her real husband? she is aware of everything and yet he could see the kids ,so why would she stop him when divorced? i think he is afraid she will move on and find another man.maybe it made him find his old feelings for her again(jealousy does those kind of things)

Edited September 10, 2017 by adna89

[ice3784]

we finally admit we need to be apart for each other benefits.

He said he know he is bringing me down.

He keep texting me to tell me he is sorry.

Because we are staying together, one have to move out, and he volunteered.

He know he has to leave me, but he really want me to be around.

we are both so attached together actually, even i betrayed him, he still taking me back. even facing the threat that i might do that again.

he said one very valid thing. he can just leave and find someone new.

which i admit, he can.

he willing to leave, but he said he need time.

we will be in a same city, just separated.

Thank you to those who understand that i am here for work, apart from being with the married man. even if i leave my married man, i am here stuck with my work for another year.

i also understand i had to leave him, for a better me, to pick myself up.

im broken. very.

thank you all for your post and response.

its not all useless.

u all do helped me.

[BaileyB]

we finally admit we need to be apart for each other benefits.

He said he know he is bringing me down.

He keep texting me to tell me he is sorry.

Because we are staying together, one have to move out, and he volunteered.

He know he has to leave me, but he really want me to be around.

we are both so attached together actually, even i betrayed him, he still taking me back. even facing the threat that i might do that again.

he said one very valid thing. he can just leave and find someone new.

which i admit, he can.

he willing to leave, but he said he need time.

we will be in a same city, just separated.

Thank you to those who understand that i am here for work, apart from being with the married man. even if i leave my married man, i am here stuck with my work for another year.

i also understand i had to leave him, for a better me, to pick myself up.

im broken. very.

thank you all for your post and response.

its not all useless.

u all do helped me.

 

Good luck. I hope you are able to find your strength again.

[wmacbride]

He called. 30 over missed call. We texted. Argued. He hate me so much for called his wife. He felt so betrayed. But he managed to pull it off. He manage to prove to his wife that he is staying on his own and all that i said is lies. He wanted me back. Continue what we hav. He forgive me for the attempt to blow his cover up that i have made. At 4 am. I met him. He just hug me and said lets rest we are both so tired. We had makeup sex. Im so confuse. Alone in home now.

 

op...

 

I apologize now for being harsh, but you really need to smarten up or you are going to keep on getting hurt.

 

 

You have a whole board here of total strangers on here who actually care more about what happens to you than this man you says he loves you? Do you have any idea just how messed up that is?

 

What makes you so desperate? Why do you feel this is the type of treatment you deserve? You have seen for yourself how crappily he treats women. Not only does he treat you like garbage when you are anything but, he treats his wife the same way. He treats his kids the same way, and if you ever got together with him on a permanent basis, he will treat your daughter that way too.

 

You want to know why? The answer is simple. Some men really believe they have every right to treat women like crap. I don't know why. Maybe they were raised that way, maybe they get the message from pop culture it's okay or maybe they are just disordered in their thinking.

 

whatever, as it really doesn't matter. What does matter is you have a daughter, and unless you want to see her making the same mistakes you are and feeling worse and worse about her self, then you need to pull your head out of your rear end and smarten up.

 

You are an adult and a mother. You want to screw up your own life? It's sad that you are willing to do so, but you will do what you are going to do, as is your right. What you most certainly do not have the right to do is ask your daughter to pay the price for your issues...and that is just what you are doing.

 

In other words...smarten the heck up now,unless you want to see your daughter repeat your mistakes and end up just as heartbroken as you are. It's bad enough you allow him to hurt you like this, don't hurt her too.

[stillafool]

op...

 

What makes you so desperate? Why do you feel this is the type of treatment you deserve? You have seen for yourself how crappily he treats women. Not only does he treat you like garbage when you are anything but, he treats his wife the same way. He treats his kids the same way, and if you ever got together with him on a permanent basis, he will treat your daughter that way too.

 

 

I agree and my only hope is that OP will be as desperate for her child as she is for this MM. He didn't even respect OP enough to admit to his wife that she was telling the truth about him but more than likely called OP a 'bunny boiler' and psycho who he can't get to stop chasing him.

[BaileyB]

But now he says, he will just leave and find someone new...

 

No doubt, rather than recommitting to his wife this man will go out and find another woman with whom he can have sex and set up house... and he will destroy her emotionally and financially as he has done to OP.

 

This is the worst kind of man. I hope you have the strength to stay away...

[misspalmy]

run as fast as you can

[wmacbride]

op...

 

everyone on here, whether they are single, a married person, betrayed spouse or other man/other woman is telling you pretty much the same thing.

 

That's as rare as a unicorn. what does that tell you?

[georgia girl]

There comes a point in each person's life when what we so desperately want to do is in direct opposition to what we should do and what is best for us. OP, the hardest thing in the world is to practice self-denial and deprive yourself of the thing you so desperately want because it is so bad for you. That's why many people fail to walk away from bad situations until they are forced to. I fear you are not strong enough and this will end up destroying you. It's going to take every ounce of self preservation you have to tell yourself no and to walk away.

[pumpkinpie1]

op...

 

everyone on here, whether they are single, a married person, betrayed spouse or other man/other woman is telling you pretty much the same thing.

 

That's as rare as a unicorn. what does that tell you?

 

Sadly I don't think it tells her anything because I don't think she's hit rock bottom yet. I was the same..I refused to listen to anyone until things got so bad that I have seriously contemplated ending my life due to the pain and guilt of my affair.

 

Unfortunately I don't think Ice has hit rock bottom yet. She's got a lot more pain ahead of her and relatively little joy, and nothing anyone says will stop this train wreck. She is in the throes of her addiction.

[wmacbride]

Sadly I don't think it tells her anything because I don't think she's hit rock bottom yet. I was the same..I refused to listen to anyone until things got so bad that I have seriously contemplated ending my life due to the pain and guilt of my affair.

 

Unfortunately I don't think Ice has hit rock bottom yet. She's got a lot more pain ahead of her and relatively little joy, and nothing anyone says will stop this train wreck. She is in the throes of her addiction.

 

 

Sadly, it's a hard lesson to learn no matter who you might be.

 

You can love a person more than you love yourself, but that doesn't make it good for you. A person who loves you wouldn't ever treat you in a way that would make you feel that bad.

 

I do hope you have been able to find some healing and some happiness.

[ice3784]

the wife keep on telling everyone they had to be together for the sake of the children. and everyone believes the same including him. even though they just meet once every 2-3 months for few days. i dont understand. they had been apart for years. its so unhealthy but no one gets it. he was so into the idea that they had to remain married so the children wont face the same childhood as he was , as his parents werent together during his childhood. its not that i want them to divorce for my benefits, i mean divorce or not i get no difference, since i am already with him for the past few years. anyway, we are breaking apart now, i made my strength and able to tell him to leave...and he is begging to stay...

[wmacbride]

the wife keep on telling everyone they had to be together for the sake of the children. and everyone believes the same including him. even though they just meet once every 2-3 months for few days. i dont understand. they had been apart for years. its so unhealthy but no one gets it. he was so into the idea that they had to remain married so the children wont face the same childhood as he was , as his parents werent together during his childhood. its not that i want them to divorce for my benefits, i mean divorce or not i get no difference, since i am already with him for the past few years. anyway, we are breaking apart now, i made my strength and able to tell him to leave...and he is begging to stay...

 

Ever heard the saying about before removing the mote form your neighbor's eye, attend tot he beam in thine own...

 

In other words, stop worrying about what she is doing, and start looking after yourself.

 

Good for you for telling him to shove off.

[OWAmy]

the wife keep on telling everyone they had to be together for the sake of the children. and everyone believes the same including him. even though they just meet once every 2-3 months for few days. i dont understand. they had been apart for years. its so unhealthy but no one gets it. he was so into the idea that they had to remain married so the children wont face the same childhood as he was , as his parents werent together during his childhood. its not that i want them to divorce for my benefits, i mean divorce or not i get no difference, since i am already with him for the past few years. anyway, we are breaking apart now, i made my strength and able to tell him to leave...and he is begging to stay...

 

There's a lot of people living in unhealthy set-ups. Let them live that way but it is really all speculation on your part or questionable because a lot of that information is coming from MM and well, he's not exactly a reliable source of information. So, what is real? Well - your hurt and upset is very real. Please don't be fooled by this pitiful display he is giving you. Ask him when he is going to start paying you back what he owes you ... then you'll see him for what he really is. A real man wouldn't take money from you. Makes me wonder if he planned this house purchase and the subsequent moving of his wife into "your house".....?

Edited September 12, 2017 by OWAmy

[OWAmy]

Sadly I don't think it tells her anything because I don't think she's hit rock bottom yet. I was the same..I refused to listen to anyone until things got so bad that I have seriously contemplated ending my life due to the pain and guilt of my affair.

 

Unfortunately I don't think Ice has hit rock bottom yet. She's got a lot more pain ahead of her and relatively little joy, and nothing anyone says will stop this train wreck. She is in the throes of her addiction.

 

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the wake up call you need. Pumpkinpie- I had a relationship with a dreadful POS many years ago, had an abortion (because he wanted that...) so I know what you are going through. I'm finally at peace with it, but that was definitely my rock bottom. I've never been back there - was too traumatic - but you live and learn and I would never bend to the will of another person against my better judgement again.

[ice3784]

As per one of my previous post, my MM agrees that we are bad for each other and we need to be apart to fix both of our life.

Yesterday, after an argument ( i raise the issue that he had cheated on me ) i asked him about how is the celebration between him and the women that he cheated with, while im at home waiting for him to come back and celebrate his birthday. He got pissed off and said im living in the past, and i am only spoiling the mood.

Then we both we quiet and not a single word till dinner ended and once we reach home, he quickly packed as much clothes as he possibly into 2 backpacks and just leave without saying a word.

And for myself, i was doing my normal routine, removing my make up, cleansing my face and changes, and went to bed while he was still packing.

I am so half hearted to ask him what he was doing, i kindof letting him just pack and leave. i said not a single word.

I surprised by my action but im not sure it is right. im not yet feeling the pain without him, but tomorrow is his birthday.

If i can just ignore him for tonight and tomoro night, then i think more or less the relationship is really done.

I cried no tears last night when he left, i cried no tears today when i wake up.

it just feels ok...

[OWAmy]

I think your behaviour was actually normal. Eventually you get ground down by the situation and they end rather similar to regular relationships - picking fights and generally not caring.

 

Now is the time for you to get out there - call friends and family, pick up hobbies and interests that you may have put to one side. Or establish some new friendships and activities. These things will all make you feel better even if not to begin with. Start planning your future and have a good think about everything - your family, your daughter, work, home etc. How do you want it to look?

 

Please don't call, no birthday wishes. You will feel much stronger in yourself if you do not act in any way and maintain your current state of mind of not caring.

 

I'd say don't ever contact him again, but obviously you still have the financial ties and if I was you right now that would be my only concern and interest as far as communicating with him. Do you have any legal rights to reclaim this money? Could you have a lawyer deal with this for you? I've no idea whether this was an informal arrangement between you and him?

Edited September 17, 2017 by OWAmy

[HiCrunchy]

I am honestly a little confused on how someone could cheat if they are having an affair? They are actively cheating?? It just doesn't make any sense to me?

[elaine567]

I am honestly a little confused on how someone could cheat if they are having an affair? They are actively cheating?? It just doesn't make any sense to me?

To many OWs their relationship with the MM is kind of legit.

OK it is not as legit as the marriage in the eyes of society, but for some OWs they see their relationship as the primary one and the wife is a bit of an inconvenience, who will eventually be out of the picture completely...

BUT if the MM then manages to procure a third woman or even more other women, then he is "cheating" on the OW.

Here he had ICE, he had his wife and he decided to "cheat" with a third too...

[BTDT2012]

To many OWs their relationship with the MM is kind of legit.

OK it is not as legit as the marriage in the eyes of society, but for some OWs they see their relationship as the primary one and the wife is a bit of an inconvenience, who will eventually be out of the picture completely...

BUT if the MM then manages to procure a third woman or even more other women, then he is "cheating" on the OW.

Here he had ICE, he had his wife and he decided to "cheat" with a third too...

It really isn't uncommon. My WH's AP 'forgave' him for cheating on her with me.

[jah526]

I am honestly a little confused on how someone could cheat if they are having an affair? They are actively cheating?? It just doesn't make any sense to me?

 

You have to see it from the OW's perspective. The BS is already known about so she is kind of a non-factor, especially if you've never met her. The MM is supplementing his primary relationship. But if he's "cheating" on the OW, it is super threatening to her because she could actually be replaced.

 

I got very suspicious MM was at least attempting to hook up with someone else, and that's what finally caused me to go complete NC with him. It's bad when a wife finds out her husband is cheating, but he usually goes running back to her with his tail between his legs. Not so with an OW - she'll be relegated to the dust heap.

[OWAmy]

I am honestly a little confused on how someone could cheat if they are having an affair? They are actively cheating?? It just doesn't make any sense to me?

 

The OP and her MM were both married and had an affair. Both subsequently leave their partner's but neither get divorced. OP appears to have cut off all contact with her husband whilst the MM bought a house with OP; acted like a couple but MM kept his relationship with OP a secret from his wife after the affair was discovered - despite them both getting sued by the wife for infidelity. So.... it was basically two separated people having a relationship then MM appears to get back with his wife so officially it becomes an affair again. At some point when OP and MM living together he is unfaithful with another woman and now says he's just going to go and meet another woman.

Edited September 21, 2017 by OWAmy

[ice3784]

Dear all.

I admit in the beginning im the 3rd person and so was he in my marriage.

But we both made it clear and separated. As what i know.

Never did i expect he was a player..never enough with what he had.

Its ok.

It was all a lie. I see the truth now. Im letting this relationship go.