ice3784 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 (edited) Hello everyone...my story is a bit complicated. Its an affair with my colleague. We are both married. And affair was in full bloom. And in the end. We kindof purposely let both our spouse know about this. His wife leave him. And i leave my husband. We were together for real. He brings me in and stay with his family. Met his parents and siblings. Non of us got divorced yet..we just separated from both of our spouse since then and our affair seems to be accepted...after a year staying together..we both decided to quit our job and move to another city...life is great. All friends and new colleagues identify us as husband and wife. Occasionally we back hometown to visit our family on our own. Fast forward 3rd year...his wife suddenly wanted a divorce. He panicked and want to kept her. I understand. It was for the sake of his children. But in a quick time. Suddenly he run out of love for me. He quickly changed and wanted privacy from me. He was texting with her and calling her every day and night, trying to convince her back that he wanted the family and lied to her that we are no more together. I felt crushed. Everything shattered. I dont know should i stay or leave. Everytime i talk with him. He would say he love me. He said he still love me. He said life isnt the same without me. He wanted to stil be with me. He is a very passive guy. When she ran away. He didnt chase her back. When she wanted to come back. He didnt do much either. I scared i made the wrong decision. I still in love with him. And we both move into this city with a hope. To rebuild our life together... Edited January 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Fast forward 3rd year...his wife suddenly wanted a divorce. He panicked and want to kept her. I understand. It was for the sake of his children. But he had left and was with you for three years. Why is it for the sake of the children all of a sudden? He was texting with her and calling her every day and night, trying to convince her back that he wanted the family and lied to her that we are no more together. I think this is the point you should have made plans to leave. In front of your face he was begging her. Do you think it's because he's scared she has found someone else and wants to get married? What has her response been? I felt crushed. Everything shattered. I dont know should i stay or leave. Everytime i talk with him. He would say he love me. He said he still love me. He said life isnt the same without me. He wanted to stil be with me. He is a very passive guy. When she ran away. He didnt chase her back. When she wanted to come back. He didnt do much either. I scared i made the wrong decision. I still in love with him. And we both move into this city with a hope. To rebuild our life together... So he wants her back? Where does that leave you? I'm a bit confused about what's going on. If she's prepared to have him back after 3 years, does that mean he'll move back to her in the other city and you go back to being the OW? If he's wanting her back and doesn't really love her, but simply wants to stop her from moving on, doesn't that tell you what a selfish person he is? If his wife doesn't want him back, does he expect you to stay with him? Knowing he's only there because she said no. What a crazy situation. I'd leave if I were you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I'd leave if I were you. I second this. This is a man who is calling his wife and telling her that he's not with you WHILE YOU ARE LIVING TOGETHER. He is a selfish, confused narcissist. You may love him, but there is no point or value being with this man. If he can't make a decision after 3 years of being with you, he won't ever make that decision. Let him go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Leave. He was using you as short term entertainment because his wife allowed it. Now that she wants to cut off their future with a divorce, playtime is over. Affairs suck. Finalize your divorce and find a nice single guy. Lesson learned 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grammie Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 so you two moved away - and he left kids? He goes back to visit how often? Are the kids young? Do you have kids? Yikes, I'm not understanding why you are asking do you stay or leave....he is trying to win his wife back...that would be the big red flashing flag that would tell me to leave him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blunana81 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 gawd this is exactly my situation, pretty much, except our history is a little longer and probably slightly more complicated, but the jist is pretty much the same. MY MM moved out of the wife's home back in august and moved in with me, then at the beginning of January has a change of heart and he wants to go back because he realized he eff'd up. He is already telling her we broke up months ago ( yet his ass was still living with me). Told her that he realized he made a huge mistake the moment he left ( yet stayed for 6 months with me). Told her actually BOTH of us realized we made a mistake.. wait a minute.. I NEVER SAID THAT. So he had been texting her all sort of apologies and admitting to regretting leaving.. how she and their son was the best thing that ever happened to them and that he would neve forgive himself for the pain he caused them both. I found all the messages on his iPad. We had shared pretty much everything, even each other passwords..but apparently one of us was NOT sharing what he felt..so..yeah..... He's moved back over to his mothers house and I'm looking for a place with a woman i work with. It's not an ideal situation....but it is what it is. I want him to be happy, and i want me to be happy, even if we are not together. just my opinion, but i think you should do the same. Look out for yourself, because if you don't,....who will? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 Yes..looks likely i will become the other woman again..if they are together again. It feels so weird. How would the other family member perceive me...they already know me. He told me he have to do this for the sake of the children. He lied to her and flatter her with loving text... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 gawd this is exactly my situation, pretty much, except our history is a little longer and probably slightly more complicated, but the jist is pretty much the same. MY MM moved out of the wife's home back in august and moved in with me, then at the beginning of January has a change of heart and he wants to go back because he realized he eff'd up. He is already telling her we broke up months ago ( yet his ass was still living with me). Told her that he realized he made a huge mistake the moment he left ( yet stayed for 6 months with me). Told her actually BOTH of us realized we made a mistake.. wait a minute.. I NEVER SAID THAT. So he had been texting her all sort of apologies and admitting to regretting leaving.. how she and their son was the best thing that ever happened to them and that he would neve forgive himself for the pain he caused them both. I found all the messages on his iPad. We had shared pretty much everything, even each other passwords..but apparently one of us was NOT sharing what he felt..so..yeah..... He's moved back over to his mothers house and I'm looking for a place with a woman i work with. It's not an ideal situation....but it is what it is. I want him to be happy, and i want me to be happy, even if we are not together. just my opinion, but i think you should do the same. Look out for yourself, because if you don't,....who will? Thank you...looks like it was pretty similar..i hate this feeling..i dont know what to do...i really went through hell being the other women and once i get through the end of the tunnel...life gets better this happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 so you two moved away - and he left kids? He goes back to visit how often? Are the kids young? Do you have kids? Yikes, I'm not understanding why you are asking do you stay or leave....he is trying to win his wife back...that would be the big red flashing flag that would tell me to leave him. Yes we both had kids. The youngest was 2. He is trying to win his wife back cos she wants to divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 I second this. This is a man who is calling his wife and telling her that he's not with you WHILE YOU ARE LIVING TOGETHER. He is a selfish, confused narcissist. You may love him, but there is no point or value being with this man. If he can't make a decision after 3 years of being with you, he won't ever make that decision. Let him go. Im in doubt to leave him. I dont know why im holding on hope...perhaps im still in denial.. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Happens all the time. The fun is over and he's going back to the real world. Not complicate at all. Pretty typical for the most part. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Yes..looks likely i will become the other woman again..if they are together again. It feels so weird. How would the other family member perceive me...they already know me. He told me he have to do this for the sake of the children. He lied to her and flatter her with loving text... He's not lying to her-he's lying to you 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 I will never really understand why a woman would trust a man who has proven to a lying cheat... He cheated on his wife with you, but now he's decided to go back to his family. I'm sorry for your pain, but there's not really much you can do. For your own best interest, leave him and find someone who will love and commit to you, because this man can not do this when he has a family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Hello everyone...my story is a bit complicated. Its an affair with my colleague. We are both married. And affair was in full bloom. And in the end. We kindof purposely let both our spouse know about this. His wife leave him. And i leave my husband. We were together for real. He brings me in and stay with his family. Met his parents and siblings. Non of us got divorced yet..we just separated from both of our spouse since then and our affair seems to be accepted...after a year staying together..we both decided to quit our job and move to another city...life is great. All friends and new colleagues identify us as husband and wife. Occasionally we back hometown to visit our family on our own. Fast forward 3rd year...his wife suddenly wanted a divorce. He panicked and want to kept her. I understand. It was for the sake of his children. But in a quick time. Suddenly he run out of love for me. He quickly changed and wanted privacy from me. He was texting with her and calling her every day and night, trying to convince her back that he wanted the family and lied to her that we are no more together. I felt crushed. Everything shattered. I dont know should i stay or leave. Everytime i talk with him. He would say he love me. He said he still love me. He said life isnt the same without me. He wanted to stil be with me. He is a very passive guy. When she ran away. He didnt chase her back. When she wanted to come back. He didnt do much either. I scared i made the wrong decision. I still in love with him. And we both move into this city with a hope. To rebuild our life together... I would definitely leave this guy, and start over fresh without any guy in your life, because you don't love your husband. It will hurt, but this guy sounds like a jerk who wants to have two women in his life. Don't be that other woman, and I feel sorry for his wife, too. Hugs and be strong. I'd end this, and go no contact with him. No texting, block his number, etc. He isn't worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Im in doubt to leave him. I dont know why im holding on hope...perhaps im still in denial.. Most likely, because you're afraid of the unknown. The unknown will be better than being treated badly by him. He will only ever see you as a side thing, never someone he will commit to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 I would definitely leave this guy, and start over fresh without any guy in your life, because you don't love your husband. It will hurt, but this guy sounds like a jerk who wants to have two women in his life. Don't be that other woman, and I feel sorry for his wife, too. Hugs and be strong. I'd end this, and go no contact with him. No texting, block his number, etc. He isn't worth it. You are right..i dont really have any feeling left for my husband. He turn back to his wife. I dont even have the feeling want to be with my husband anymore. Its just terrible..i wanted to leave this MM, but the 3 years relationship is so real..with the bond with his family...i just so heartbroken... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 I second this. This is a man who is calling his wife and telling her that he's not with you WHILE YOU ARE LIVING TOGETHER. He is a selfish, confused narcissist. You may love him, but there is no point or value being with this man. If he can't make a decision after 3 years of being with you, he won't ever make that decision. Let him go. I know what you are saying is the fact. I lied to myself and believe what he said, its for the sake of the kids. I just dont know how to leave without hoping to save this relationship. We both put a lot of effort on this. He did let his wife left and didnt chase her back... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 Happens all the time. The fun is over and he's going back to the real world. Not complicate at all. Pretty typical for the most part. This is my first time facing this kind of situation. I thought the affair is real. Thats why i allow my self to separate from my husband to he with him. He allow his wife to leave the house with the children. Then he brought me in. It was so real. He could have leave me and chase her back that time but he didnt. Am i just a fool for him..im confused what he wants..and im even more confused how fast he changed recently...we are still staying together but we arent intimate anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 You may want to get some plans in place for your future or you may be left out in the cold very quickly and unfortunately by the sounds of it easily too. Don't allow someone to leave you hanging in the air like this, quite selfish on their part IMO. This really hurts I know. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 I bet your husband was just as confused. Have you considered counseling? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CuriousQD Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 You've gotten good advice here. Believe his actions, not his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 You've gotten good advice here. Believe his actions, not his words. Will i ever regret leaving him ? Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Will i ever regret leaving him ? Nope. But you will regret all the energy you've expended on him (IMHO). Take care of you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Will i ever regret leaving him ? Yes, at times. I have moments where I regret every major decision I've ever made, where I wonder if another choice might have been better. But you can only go with the evidence you have at the moment, and his actions tell you that you should run for the hills. I have been lucky in having 2 major loves in my life, both of whom are still friends. xMM was my 3rd, and unfortunately he and I will never be friends. Love will come around again. It is not a once-in-a-lifetime thing. It's hard to see it now, but your MM is not the only one out there for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ice3784 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Share Posted February 4, 2017 Hello everyone, another update after the turmoil..after many arguements and bad days, im still here staying with him. We are living in a very weird and awkard situation. Sometimes before sleep or before dinner he will text his 'wife' then he will then act as if nothing and continue his moments with me. He said he wants to be with me, and will lost his direction without me. Im confuse and of course partially my heart wants me to stay. I had invested a lot in this man and he did acknowledge me by bringing me to met his parents and family during the moment when she was separated from him. Buy it doesnt change the fact that she is coming back. And he accepted her for the sake of the children. He changed his phone password so that i wont looked into their conversations, he said it was to protect my feelings. He make it clear that he can be irresponsible and just leave me like that. But he didnt. Despite me and him has no ties. Thats his arguement point to make me stay in his life. I dont know. I scare the day will come that he will b sleeping with her again. I have been through those dark days earlier and i dont want to become the other women again. And she..she believe him the second time. She really thought im no longer with MM. She will be hurt if she found out again. Small voice inside my heart told me that i should call her...im not sure...what will happen. If i call her... Link to post Share on other sites
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