Dating after A

[drypuddle]

We all know how being in the affair fog drastically impacts the experience... it's addicting! I recently started dating a single man, and it certainly lacks the excitement and thrills that came along with being involved with my exMM. I'm trying to figure out if what is lacking is due to lack of the affair fog, or if maybe this just isn't the guy for me.

 

I will say there's nothing I don't like about this guy. When we are physically together, there's attraction and good conversation. On paper and in person, everything seems good so far. When we are apart though, I really don't think about him much. Communication from both sides is pretty sporadic.

 

Why am I not so consumed by this man like I was by exMM? Is this how a normal healthy relationship begins? Like a slow burn?

[Cymbeline]

What were the 'thrills' specifically?

From seeing my WH's affair, I can see he went in hard - very romantic, because he said from the start there was no future. Neruda' poetry and expensive hotels from the very start. No single man would do that because of raising expectations unnecessarily. Hey would be much more cautious. He also had spare money to do exciting things while I was home with children.

 

You are also suffering from 'Las Vegas' effect: casinos are addicting because of intermittent reward. 'Winning' sometimes amid uncertainty sends dopamine levels through the roof. So do affairs. Listen to Stanford Neuro endocrinologist on YouTube to learn the chemistry of this.

 

Maybe you are replaying familiar patterns from the past too- from your family patterns and so you want patterns which are familiar to you. If you equate love with uncertainty or inconsistency or suffering or whatever, you may be acting out what feels familiar to your psyche. A dependable relationship might feel too bland.

 

Good luck.

[drypuddle]

Thanks for your response Cymbeline. I agree with everything you said and had an idea of that was what was happening here.

 

Thrills of the A that I'm not getting currently? Looking back, I think it's fair to say exMM lovedbombed me. I knew even then that if a single man was paying me that much attention and coming on so strong, I would've been freaked out and would've ran away fast. Having said that, I suppose I should be happy that this is a slow burn.

[BuddyX]

Question; if your current man ghosted you, how would you react?

Remember, the affair was forbidden, secretive, unpredictable. That kind of dopamine hit is difficult to recreate

[drypuddle]

Question; if your current man ghosted you, how would you react?

Remember, the affair was forbidden, secretive, unpredictable. That kind of dopamine hit is difficult to recreate

 

I would be disappointed but my heart wouldn't be broken. It's only been 3 dates and we haven't done anything physical.

[jennifernyc84]

Same here, drypuddle. I went out with a guy from work a couple weeks ago and we had fun. He's attractive, cute, funny, very nice. We text all the time and have great conversation. But it's not the same. I don't find myself drifting off during the day with him in my mind. I don't know. He doesn't give me those butterflies. XMM gave me a freaking herd of wild stampeding elephants!! Still does.

 

Like you said, maybe he just isn't the guy for me.

[sandylee1]

3 dates is early days and you haven't really formed a relationship as yet. It's the getting to know you and finding out more about each other.

 

The beginning of relationships would be quite exciting to me and I'd be looking forward to the next phone call, if you don't feel excited to see him or even imagine what it would be like to get closer/be intimate with him, maybe the chemistry isn't there... Or you're still hung up on the Xmm.

[starswewillnavigate]

I think it's different personalities and actions incite different reactions in us.

 

My xMM made me crazy, really flipped me. Maybe it's because he went in full pelt and then hit the brakes quickly and then we did the "we are friends, no we are lovers" dance for quite a while. Looking back, my first serious boyfriend did the same with me and there certainly was no excuse of affair fog there.

[drypuddle]

Given my dating patterns, I would've written this guy off after the first date when the chemistry wasn't already there. I'm taking my therapist's suggestion on actually giving a chance for the chemistry to develop instead of moving on to find someone else. My history shows that I'm not the greatest at picking partners and it might be that I'm not giving the good guys a chance to develop that chemistry.

[BuddyX]

With over 50 dates in 12 months I can tell you chemistry is Huge. You want the same feeling with your Date that you had with the MM. You know that feeling where you checked for a text message every 5min-hoping it was him. That feeling where you're in bed alone but had a deep conversation with him on the phone. Yeah, those feelings. Yes you can have'em with a single guy.

 

3 dates in and you're neutral? I say cut bait. Better to be happy alone then miserable with someone else.

[oceansaway]

It's not the same because your head and heart are elsewhere (MM). Until your completely over him...nobody will compare

[skywriter]

Given my dating patterns, I would've written this guy off after the first date when the chemistry wasn't already there. I'm taking my therapist's suggestion on actually giving a chance for the chemistry to develop instead of moving on to find someone else. My history shows that I'm not the greatest at picking partners and it might be that I'm not giving the good guys a chance to develop that chemistry.

 

Yes, I hope you will give it more time to create some experiences with your single man. I was in an affair from 2006 til 2012. One year after NC and one year out of the A, I started seeing a single guy. We're still going strong four years later.

[Poppy47]

With over 50 dates in 12 months I can tell you chemistry is Huge. You want the same feeling with your Date that you had with the MM. You know that feeling where you checked for a text message every 5min-hoping it was him. That feeling where you're in bed alone but had a deep conversation with him on the phone. Yeah, those feelings. Yes you can have'em with a single guy.

 

3 dates in and you're neutral? I say cut bait. Better to be happy alone then miserable with someone else.

 

I'm with Buddy.

If you don't feel it first up, then it ain't gonna happen.

POppy.

[Lady2163]

I just started the dating process again, all of mine come from online since I am retired and rarely meet men elsewhere. I'm a bit of a hermit.

 

It's hard to connect and it is WORK! I haven't had easy dates yet. This makes me miss the friendship and connection I had with MM. I haven't talked to (or texted) him in a few weeks and that is intentional. I don't want him on my mind while I'm at the date - and so far he hasn't been, it is after the dates that I get a little wistful.

 

You know, I'd give it a couple more dates before you move on. If you're not taking advantage of this man, if you're having a good time and you're not leading him on, go ahead and keep seeing him.

 

If you have no desire to have him touch you in anyway, then yes, move on.

[BluesPower]

As far as dating thing goes...

 

It is a chemistry thing and you and this new guy do not have it. Plus it is so hard to compare REAL dating with an affair because or the built-in excitement of the taboo affair.

 

So, when you meet a guy the you have chemistry with, you will know it.

 

BTW, I will say that now that I am divorcing that my original AP is my #1 GF and we have a great time together. I am not divorcing because of her, other issues.

 

I have been lucky to have pretty good chemistry with several new girls though, and dating is just a blast.

[drypuddle]

Thank you for all of your responses I appreciate everyone's input and hearing how dating for others has gone after being in an affair.

 

I think I'm going to give it a couple of more dates and see how it goes. We have chemistry when we are together, it's while we are apart is when it's been lacking. I think it may be a difference in communication styles.

[CuriousQD]

Please keep us updated. I am sorta in a similar position, and I'd like to know how it goes. Nothing seems to thrill like the MM, but like you I know intellectually I should override and give somebody a chance to build to that. It's a real struggle!

[Poppy47]

Curious and Puddle,

 

If you feel like you have to struggle to make a relationship work, then you are definitely not over the affair enough to start dating.

 

Poppy.

[HappyAgain2014]

Post affair, I didn't get the big highs but I also didn't get the huge lows from dating a single man. It was uncomplicated and sadly, that felt weird.

 

You need to deprogram yourself after an affair from the secrecy, rules, and constraints of being involved with an unavailable man. Single men don't feel the need to make wild proclamations. Typically, they just go with the flow and let things evolve.

 

That was odd to me. Thankfully, I allowed myself to stick through the odd feelings that came with full transparency ... I could call or see him whenever I wanted, his children and friends knew about me, I could go to his home, go on vacations, etc. All are perfectly normal in a typical relationship but felt so foreign to me post affair.

 

It was odd to have choices and to simply exist. No guilt or shame, and the possibilities were limitless. No one else had to be hurt for us to have a future.

 

Now I'm married to him.

[drypuddle]

Curious and Puddle,

 

If you feel like you have to struggle to make a relationship work, then you are definitely not over the affair enough to start dating.

 

Poppy.

 

For me it's more adjusting to dating normally again. following the advice of my therapist, I'm giving this a chance to develop over time instead of seeking out someone who I have immediate chemistry with (because that's always led to disaster for me).

[drypuddle]

Post affair, I didn't get the big highs but I also didn't get the huge lows from dating a single man. It was uncomplicated and sadly, that felt weird.

 

You need to deprogram yourself after an affair from the secrecy, rules, and constraints of being involved with an unavailable man. Single men don't feel the need to make wild proclamations. Typically, they just go with the flow and let things evolve.

 

That was odd to me. Thankfully, I allowed myself to stick through the odd feelings that came with full transparency ... I could call or see him whenever I wanted, his children and friends knew about me, I could go to his home, go on vacations, etc. All are perfectly normal in a typical relationship but felt so foreign to me post affair.

 

It was odd to have choices and to simply exist. No guilt or shame, and the possibilities were limitless. No one else had to be hurt for us to have a future.

 

Now I'm married to him.

 

Thank you! This was very insightful to me.

[CuriousQD]

For me it's more adjusting to dating normally again. following the advice of my therapist, I'm giving this a chance to develop over time instead of seeking out someone who I have immediate chemistry with (because that's always led to disaster for me).

 

Agree, plus it's never going to be the right time. A gradual boil with a new guy that ultimately blossoms into something is the only way I'll give up on the A.

[Grapesofwrath]

Is this the first guy you've dated since the A? I had to date a few people before I really felt ready. Maybe you're not ready yet for another serious relationship and/or he's not the guy for you.

 

It takes time. That's okay. It took me 6 months from ending the A to feel ready. Then I met someone incredible and he totally gives me butterflies. Did so from the first date. Still does.

 

Best part? Being with him never hurts. I feel wanted and included all the time.

[Broom]

Post affair, I didn't get the big highs but I also didn't get the huge lows from dating a single man. It was uncomplicated and sadly, that felt weird.

 

You need to deprogram yourself after an affair from the secrecy, rules, and constraints of being involved with an unavailable man. Single men don't feel the need to make wild proclamations. Typically, they just go with the flow and let things evolve.

 

That was odd to me. Thankfully, I allowed myself to stick through the odd feelings that came with full transparency ... I could call or see him whenever I wanted, his children and friends knew about me, I could go to his home, go on vacations, etc. All are perfectly normal in a typical relationship but felt so foreign to me post affair.

 

It was odd to have choices and to simply exist. No guilt or shame, and the possibilities were limitless. No one else had to be hurt for us to have a future.

 

Now I'm married to him.

 

Too true! We becoming hard wired and programmed due to our expectations being so managed down that we expect this is the standard, even when MM is long gone.

 

We deserve available men, but maybe don't know how to process it when we get one.

[drypuddle]

Is this the first guy you've dated since the A? I had to date a few people before I really felt ready. Maybe you're not ready yet for another serious relationship and/or he's not the guy for you.

 

It takes time. That's okay. It took me 6 months from ending the A to feel ready. Then I met someone incredible and he totally gives me butterflies. Did so from the first date. Still does.

 

Best part? Being with him never hurts. I feel wanted and included all the time.

 

I've been on dates with other guys, but this is the first one that I've continued to date. We saw each other again last night and had a nice evening together. It feels very calm, safe, and warm. It's something I really appreciate at the moment.