Recurring theme of 'no spark'

[Xiomn]

Met a girl online.

- Been talking for a bit on SC.

-Told me how she finds me attractive on multiple occasion, impressions are she likes me a lot.

-Has said I should visit her city about twice now. (To meet). Impressions are she is eager to meet me ended up suggesting 2 days she was available. I suggested 1 of the two and it was set.

 

We met up, it was a pretty poor date to be honest. Basically she lives in Manchester and I don't know Manchester that well at all so didn't really know what to do or where to go. This I believe put her off because she said she dislikes having to make decisions like that. She obviously was looking to me on several occasions throughout the date (and before it) to take charge of the situation which I failed.

 

We ended up just casually walking around the shops talking to each other for a few hours before eventually we went to a bar. Originally that was my plan all along to go to a bar first and foremost for drinks but because she had been out the night before and was still a bit hungover on the day of the date that idea got shot. I ended up getting an alcoholic drink whereas naturally alcohol was the last thing on her mind as a result of the previous night so she got a soft drink.

 

We chatted for an hour or more then she had to go home because she had tons of university work to do before Monday coming up. She had told me about all of this a few days before the date and again at the start of the date itself when I started getting to know about her and the course she studies so I felt it was genuine and didn't just want to rush off.

 

All in all I appreciated the fact she took time to still go on the date despite not feeling 100% from the night before and having lots of work to do when she could have easily asked to reschedule.

 

The date lasted just under 5 hours in all. I was seconds away from missing my train back so it ended a bit abruptly with 2 quick kisses on her cheek and jumping on the train before the doors shut. I Tried to go in with a lips but I think she naturally turned to her cheeks not sure if deliberate or not.

 

As a consequence I didn't get time to ask if she was up for another date until I messaged her after I got home in reply to her saying she had a good time. Unfortunately she said she didn't feel that way towards me and didn't feel there was a spark with differences between us.

 

Part of this was probably my own fault for not touching her pretty much at all apart from a hug upon first sight and a very quick kiss on the cheek before leaving, no holding hands or anything. No physical contact in that way so maybe I came across as more a friend than someone with romantic intentions. Who knows. She gave impression she was really attracted to me before we met and i caught her twindling with her hair as girls do presumably when they see someone they like. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything and that would be the best way to look at it for my own peace of mind.

 

She told me she doesn't like the interview mature kind of dates like sitting across from a table and prefers the more fun date type activities. Only problem is she is unwilling to give it a second date a go in which I can now having this knowledge, take control of this situation as she would have wanted initially and play to her likes for a much better date overall.

 

Can't help but feel disappointed naturally. The last time I went on a date was around March/April 2016 and I've had no success for the 2 years or more I've been on online dating websites.

 

The last girl I dated for a month or so was soo head over heels with me and would constantly tell me how attracted to me she was, made me feel like no one had ever done before so appreciated but in the end it turned out the same way as this one did with her eventually saying she felt no spark and saw me more like a friend.

 

This seems to be a recurring theme with the people I date seeing me more as a friend and not getting that romantic spark with me.

 

One thing that bugs me though is that these two most recent girls that I have dated have literally no interests beyond your standard individual, so for instance likes shopping, eating out and watching TV/Netflix. Their life is just that, school or work then watch TV, nothing standing out from what most if not everybody does on a daily basis. Like my biggest interest is politics and I could talk watch and listen to and about it for endless periods, it's something specific, something im passionate about. Most people I date don't seem to have that one or two big things that really interests them.

 

How is it possible to create that spark with someone who has no real major interests or something they're passionate about?

 

I think I've identified my problem at least. Like I said earlier on, I pretty much hardly madd any physical contact whatsoever on the date with not even a single attempt to try and hold her hand. If I had a chance for a second date which she does not want now (albeit some will say its trying to force a spark) I would have realized this mistake as I have done and rectified it by being more touchy feel next time around in an attempt to possibly create that spark or romantic physical connection between us. I just feel let down by these people who want to feel a spark upon the very first meeting and don't give it anytime whatsoever to develop.

 

 

Anyway moved on now just putting my thoughts out there.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have long been dubious of this 'spark' thing. It is nothing more than ones's own pre-defined expectations coming to fruition. That's all. Nothing magical or intangible. People don't feel a spark b/c they don't find the person in front of them attractive enough, talktative enough, tall enough, smart enough, slim enough.....all tangible expectations.

 

The 'spark' thing is over-used and over-fantasized. Most of my dates have been great and one would characterize that there were sparks flying. Yup, a kiss, sex later, etc. Must be sparks, right? Whatever....just expectations being met until they're not....

[Erik30]

"No spark" often means their fantasy image they had of you didn't match up with reality. Seems to happen a lot, so it's best to meet in person as soon as possible.

[Tressugar]

The spark thing is very real, but not experienced by many. I believe that spark is based on chemistry... possibly physical, but maybe due to something else shared between the two individuals. It's something that you can't plan. It's intangible!

 

From my own experience it just happened... definitely not due to a person's external appearance, fantasy or expectation from another. It just happened organically. I didn't see it coming.

Edited January 28, 2017 by Tressugar

[Xiomn]

What is annoying me the most is that I think if we both wanted to we would both agree it was a pretty boring date activity wise. It was very poorly planned which was my fault. If I had a chance for a second date I'd be planning something fun like a trip to the zoo or this fun trampoline activity place near where I live which she would have liked a lot better than aimlessly wandering around not knowing what to do or where to go 99% of the time.

 

Instead it's just like nope, I didn't feel a spark, can continue speaking as friends though, bye.

 

Guess you just got to move on otherwise wondering what if will just tear at you.

[WaitingForBardot]

I need only a few minutes with someone to know whether or not I am interested in them romantically; I call this the spark. Feeling the spark doesn't mean they take my breath away nor that it's love at first sight nor any of the dozens of other narratives foisted on us in books, movies, and tv. It just means I see the possibility for romance.

 

This spark although necessary, is in and of itself an insufficient condition for romance. On the flip side however, if there is no spark, romance will never be on the table..., ever! So when someone tells me they don't feel it with me, I take it at face value and move on.

 

Only speaking for myself...

[phineas]

"No spark" often means their fantasy image they had of you didn't match up with reality. Seems to happen a lot, so it's best to meet in person as soon as possible.

 

Yup.

Spend as little time as possible communicating AFTER the date has been set.

 

also are your pics updated and at least one full body shot?

Are you honest about height?

You might be able to sneak a few inches past a short girl but a woman who is 5'6" or taller will know you are frauding if you are close to her height.

[biker23]

I also agree 'Spark' is generic. Basically someone doesnt feel that attracted to someone else and they cannot pinpoint it. Gut feeling. Its not a checklist that someone fails. It is very hard to be on the receiving end as you want to know why, and there isnt often a straight answer. Sometimes you are told something, but then you question or challenge it...when in reality its a gut feeling that is hard to explain.

[Satu]

Snip

What is annoying me the most is that I think if we both wanted to we would both agree it was a pretty boring date activity wise. It was very poorly planned which was my fault. .

 

When I read your first post I immediately that it was a very boring and wishy-washy date.

 

That might have made you look boring and wishy-washy.

 

Don't give up, but think of some more entertaining date ideas.

 

 

Take care.

[heavenonearth]

Met a girl online.

- Been talking for a bit on SC.

-Told me how she finds me attractive on multiple occasion, impressions are she likes me a lot.

-Has said I should visit her city about twice now. (To meet). Impressions are she is eager to meet me ended up suggesting 2 days she was available. I suggested 1 of the two and it was set.

 

We met up, it was a pretty poor date to be honest. Basically she lives in Manchester and I don't know Manchester that well at all so didn't really know what to do or where to go. This I believe put her off because she said she dislikes having to make decisions like that. She obviously was looking to me on several occasions throughout the date (and before it) to take charge of the situation which I failed.

 

We ended up just casually walking around the shops talking to each other for a few hours before eventually we went to a bar. Originally that was my plan all along to go to a bar first and foremost for drinks but because she had been out the night before and was still a bit hungover on the day of the date that idea got shot. I ended up getting an alcoholic drink whereas naturally alcohol was the last thing on her mind as a result of the previous night so she got a soft drink.

 

We chatted for an hour or more then she had to go home because she had tons of university work to do before Monday coming up. She had told me about all of this a few days before the date and again at the start of the date itself when I started getting to know about her and the course she studies so I felt it was genuine and didn't just want to rush off.

 

All in all I appreciated the fact she took time to still go on the date despite not feeling 100% from the night before and having lots of work to do when she could have easily asked to reschedule.

 

The date lasted just under 5 hours in all. I was seconds away from missing my train back so it ended a bit abruptly with 2 quick kisses on her cheek and jumping on the train before the doors shut. I Tried to go in with a lips but I think she naturally turned to her cheeks not sure if deliberate or not.

 

As a consequence I didn't get time to ask if she was up for another date until I messaged her after I got home in reply to her saying she had a good time. Unfortunately she said she didn't feel that way towards me and didn't feel there was a spark with differences between us.

 

Part of this was probably my own fault for not touching her pretty much at all apart from a hug upon first sight and a very quick kiss on the cheek before leaving, no holding hands or anything. No physical contact in that way so maybe I came across as more a friend than someone with romantic intentions. Who knows. She gave impression she was really attracted to me before we met and i caught her twindling with her hair as girls do presumably when they see someone they like. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything and that would be the best way to look at it for my own peace of mind.

 

She told me she doesn't like the interview mature kind of dates like sitting across from a table and prefers the more fun date type activities. Only problem is she is unwilling to give it a second date a go in which I can now having this knowledge, take control of this situation as she would have wanted initially and play to her likes for a much better date overall.

 

Can't help but feel disappointed naturally. The last time I went on a date was around March/April 2016 and I've had no success for the 2 years or more I've been on online dating websites.

 

The last girl I dated for a month or so was soo head over heels with me and would constantly tell me how attracted to me she was, made me feel like no one had ever done before so appreciated but in the end it turned out the same way as this one did with her eventually saying she felt no spark and saw me more like a friend.

 

This seems to be a recurring theme with the people I date seeing me more as a friend and not getting that romantic spark with me.

 

One thing that bugs me though is that these two most recent girls that I have dated have literally no interests beyond your standard individual, so for instance likes shopping, eating out and watching TV/Netflix. Their life is just that, school or work then watch TV, nothing standing out from what most if not everybody does on a daily basis. Like my biggest interest is politics and I could talk watch and listen to and about it for endless periods, it's something specific, something im passionate about. Most people I date don't seem to have that one or two big things that really interests them.

 

How is it possible to create that spark with someone who has no real major interests or something they're passionate about?

 

I think I've identified my problem at least. Like I said earlier on, I pretty much hardly madd any physical contact whatsoever on the date with not even a single attempt to try and hold her hand. If I had a chance for a second date which she does not want now (albeit some will say its trying to force a spark) I would have realized this mistake as I have done and rectified it by being more touchy feel next time around in an attempt to possibly create that spark or romantic physical connection between us. I just feel let down by these people who want to feel a spark upon the very first meeting and don't give it anytime whatsoever to develop.

 

 

Anyway moved on now just putting my thoughts out there.

 

 

 

Well, why don't you go out with a girl who studies political science, or something like that? I am also very interested in politics and I could never date someone who is not interested in what's happening in the world.

The guy I am currently dating studied PS as well, so I am lucky. But I never felt understood by someone who did not share that passion.

 

I don't think it should be that difficult to seek out such people on dating websites.

[Sweetfish]

The spark is real.

 

Its when you have a sense of codependance on the person you are with... however it fades.

 

In a healthy relationship this feeling will fade. Young, inexperience, and serial daters will chase this feeling and will destory a healthy relationship thinking the love has disspated. The spark can happen again when a woman gives birth. Other than that your a horse chasing a carrot.

[Xiomn]

Well, why don't you go out with a girl who studies political science, or something like that? I am also very interested in politics and I could never date someone who is not interested in what's happening in the world.

The guy I am currently dating studied PS as well, so I am lucky. But I never felt understood by someone who did not share that passion.

 

I don't think it should be that difficult to seek out such people on dating websites.

 

Been on dating websites for over 2 years with no luck. Never seen a profile of someone saying they're interested in politics ever apart from this one I came across on Tinder which just ignored me.

[basil67]

I think you're being too hard on yourself.....and accepting 'second best' from her.

 

While I understand the general expectation from some women for a man to plan the date, this wasn't your city! When person A comes to visit person B in their city, the onus should be on person B to show them around. I see your date as a self centred women who won't bother thinking about how difficult it is for you to plan something in a city which she knows far better than you. It's all about her.

 

I think you dodged a bullet.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Been on dating websites for over 2 years with no luck. Never seen a profile of someone saying they're interested in politics ever apart from this one I came across on Tinder which just ignored me.

 

I don't know what it's like in the UK, but people simply don't like to engage in politics and will not advertise that on profiles. I have seen some profiles mention wanting to meet people who keep up with current events, but that typically, for me, means that they want someone who isn't so provincial or disengaged in what is going on in the world.

 

You need to wait and find that someone who fills your needs. It wont be some magical thing.

 

Also, most men may advertise that they like to meet someone who is a little more enlightened, but that typically also involves that the woman of interest also share their views OR someone who isn't 'too' opinionated. :laugh:

[thecrucible]

Please don't feel bad about this date. Who's to say you would have lasted even if you had dated? I know everyone on here has suggested coming with more imaginative date ideas. You don't have to go overboard but you can just hook onto something you know she likes. This guy took me to an art gallery once because he figured out from talking to me that I like looking at paintings. However if I was meeting a guy for the first time, I'd be happy just going for coffee/drinks and getting to know him a bit. But the effort can be shown in picking a place with a good ambience rather than just a convenient local pub. So yes I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

 

It sounds like you are worried about this being a recurring theme. Personally I think as long as you are representing yourself well in the profile and photos, this is just something that happens in online dating because it's different to real life and you don't know how attracted you are and the overall vibe until you meet in person. You said you like Political Science. Personally I'm interested in politics too and it'd be nice to talk to more guys who were engaged with the world. The first date should be more light and fun though so serious verbal sparring would be a bit too much for me.

[heavenonearth]

Been on dating websites for over 2 years with no luck. Never seen a profile of someone saying they're interested in politics ever apart from this one I came across on Tinder which just ignored me.

 

 

Well, maybe it depends on where you live and what websites you use.

For example, if I use OKCupid and check big European cities where I currently live or my homecity, then I see plenty of interesting, educated people who are also cultured, good looking and into politics

[OatsAndHall]

A few things:

 

1. The OLD scene can be a pain in the a-- for the reasons you described. People read over someone's profile, chat with them for a bit feel a fake connection (it's the friggin' internet, people..) and their expectations are shot through the roof for the first date. There are many folks that look for the "spark" via the internet and that just isn't going to happen.

 

2. Don't be hard on yourself about the date. Some of the best dates I have been on were a hike or a few hours at a coffee shop. We could just chat and get to know one another. Walking around, drinking coffee, visiting shops and chatting could be a great first date if you're calm, collected and there to get to know the person. One of the worst first dates I was on was at a one of those "mystery" dinners where you basically shell over a ton of cash to role play "Clue". I had fun but I didn't get to know the woman at all.

 

3. The "spark" exists but it's simple biology. Your body dumps an enormous amount of "feel good" hormones into your system when you first meet someone and you're attracted to them. A stronger physical and intellectual attraction results in a bigger "spark". But, it fades over a pretty short period of time (they call it the "honeymoon period" for a reason) and far too many people grow disappointed when it dissipates.

 

4. I would be very wary of any woman who is looking for that "spark" in a first date. It's magical thinking that you're going to meet someone and have an "in love at first sight" situation going on. Sometimes a first date doesn't go well for various reasons so you need a few more to see if things click. Sometimes that first date is exceptional but that person is a fruit-loop. I met a woman via an OLD site and had the absolute best date of my entire life with her the first time we went out. We went for a hike, went to dinner, saw a movie and chatted for hours: it was awesome. I really thought there was something there: we're both physically active, we have similar interests, similar views on life, taste in music, etc..etc.. But, the next day, she said she just wanted a physical relationship with me. I'm not into that and it was disappointing.

[gaius]

These women are rejecting you because they can tell you don't want them. You don't seem to be able to tell but they can.

 

When I went out with my girlfriend for the first time I put a lot of work into it. Not because I'm particularly hard working or special (I am but that's besides the point), but because I wanted her intensely. I took every chance I could get to touch her because I wanted to touch her. It's what I wanted, what I needed, didn't even think about it.

 

You're doing everything you can to sabotage yourself and not go any further with these women so they're not what you want. Don't force yourself into something you don't want. Find what you do instead.

[Xiomn]

These women are rejecting you because they can tell you don't want them. You don't seem to be able to tell but they can.

 

When I went out with my girlfriend for the first time I put a lot of work into it. Not because I'm particularly hard working or special (I am but that's besides the point), but because I wanted her intensely. I took every chance I could get to touch her because I wanted to touch her. It's what I wanted, what I needed, didn't even think about it.

 

You're doing everything you can to sabotage yourself and not go any further with these women so they're not what you want. Don't force yourself into something you don't want. Find what you do instead.

 

Completely agree. I believe I didn't escalate at all. I'm not one for escalating on first date and usually only start doing that on the second. Only problem is she said theres no spark and thinks someone else would be better suited to me. All I gave her was a friendly quick hug upon first sight and a super rushed cheek kiss as I left as i was about to miss my train. Didn't even try to hold hands or touch her at all to establish a physical romantic connection of any kind. I honestly believe that's why she has concluded she didn't feel any spark.

 

Feel like maybe just after a week or two popping up in her messages and saying something like hey, our last date wasn't very planned out the way I should have done it, now I know what you like how do you fancy meeting up sometime and doing something more fun like (example)?

 

If she says no then that's it worth a try?

Edited January 29, 2017 by Xiomn

[Xiomn]

Well, maybe it depends on where you live and what websites you use.

For example, if I use OKCupid and check big European cities where I currently live or my homecity, then I see plenty of interesting, educated people who are also cultured, good looking and into politics

 

Yeah I live in a small city so hardly any people on OK CUPID, POF I've similarly been on for 2 years and I probably get about 1 profile view a month if I'm lucky and no one thst i'm nterested in replies back when I open a message talking about something they said in their profile etc.

[Xiomn]

Snip

 

 

When I read your first post I immediately that it was a very boring and wishy-washy date.

 

That might have made you look boring and wishy-washy.

 

Don't give up, but think of some more entertaining date ideas.

 

 

Take care.

 

Again completely agree so was thinking of just cutting communication for a week or two and messaging her asking if she is up for meeting up for a more fun activity orientated and better planned out meet up/date despite what she has said, figured it couldn't hurt to try to get a second chance and if she says no then that hits the nail in the coffin for good to me.

[thecrucible]

I would be very wary of any woman who is looking for that "spark" in a first date. It's magical thinking that you're going to meet someone and have an "in love at first sight" situation going on. Sometimes a first date doesn't go well for various reasons so you need a few more to see if things click. Sometimes that first date is exceptional but that person is a fruit-loop. I met a woman via an OLD site and had the absolute best date of my entire life with her the first time we went out. We went for a hike, went to dinner, saw a movie and chatted for hours: it was awesome. I really thought there was something there: we're both physically active, we have similar interests, similar views on life, taste in music, etc..etc.. But, the next day, she said she just wanted a physical relationship with me. I'm not into that and it was disappointing.

 

Not necessarily. To me a 'spark' just means the conversation is flowing, you have enough things in common to allow you to bond but enough differences to keep things interesting and is enough physical attraction to contemplate sexy time. When you don't get enough of those things in combination it can actually kill the relationship. You want to be excited about seeing them and wanting to be close to them as it feels natural to you. That's what differentiates romantic love from friendship. I've got male friends I get on very well with but I can't contemplate having sex with them. I'm sure they feel the exact same way about me.

[GeorgeWP93]

The spark definitely exists but I can say I've never had it on a first date from someone I've met online, I've had relationships that have worked from people online but most of the people I've been out with who I met on tinder or POF I've not wanted to see again, maybe if I had given it a chance it would have but if you're not feeling it on the first date, what's the point?

 

My last girlfriend I just met down the pub and the sparks were instantly, just an instant connection it was great, just couldn't help but touch her and flirt it was so natural, couldn't let her get away without getting her number. But when I think back for me even on the first date I wouldn't say there was a real spark like the first time I met her, it's just too high pressure. But I would definitely say the butterfly's were still there.

 

Needless to say after 6 months of a great relationship within a week it went from looking at holidays to 'the sparks not there anymore'. Was it for me? No. Did I still love her? Yes. The sparks don't last, doesn't mean a relationship is done.

 

But, if you get home from a date and don't lay in bed with a smile on your face, butterfly's in your stomach and can't wait to see them again, I wouldn't bother.

[phineas]

I don't know what it's like in the UK, but people simply don't like to engage in politics and will not advertise that on profiles. I have seen some profiles mention wanting to meet people who keep up with current events, but that typically, for me, means that they want someone who isn't so provincial or disengaged in what is going on in the world.

 

You need to wait and find that someone who fills your needs. It wont be some magical thing.

 

Also, most men may advertise that they like to meet someone who is a little more enlightened, but that typically also involves that the woman of interest also share their views OR someone who isn't 'too' opinionated. :laugh:

 

When Trump won the primary over the summer i think when i still had a profile I saw lots of profiles that said "don't message me if you support trump".

 

regardless of who i supported that kind of narrow-mindedness is a complete turn-off.

 

I should of changed my profile to read "if you have anything political in your profile i won't message you"

[Jj66]

She's not attracted to you in person and is trying to say it in a nice way.

 

If this is a recurring theme for you then you must seem more awesome "on paper" than in real life, leaving people disappointed after the meeting. This can happen easily if you spend too much time interacting virtually before actually meeting.

 

It's not possible to gauge attraction online, so try to meet someone as soon as you are confident he or she isn't a serial killer. It prevents letting unreasonable fantasies develop.

 

To me spark is nothing more than a strong mutual attraction.

Edited January 29, 2017 by Jj66