newborn baby and husband is at da club?

[girlwhohasaquestion]

my husband and I just had a baby 3 and a half months ago.

This weekend we are staying at his parents who live far from us as its his fathers 70th bday. well its also my single, girl crazy brother-in-law's 34th birthday.

 

so after a celebratory dinner, bro in law wanted to go to a club. I obv said no as I have a baby and really i just dont want to bother leaving him to go to a club.a month ago i left him with my mother (who also lives far) as my bro treated us to a hotel stay for Christmas and i thought it was a good idea for us as a couple and also i savoured the idea of sleeping in peace for a night.

 

because I left him with my mother, everyone thinks I should have gone clubbing tonight. I had zero desire and how irresponsible?

Idk maybe when he's older but even then...

so my husband goes, no question. its now 4:32 and they are still out.

am I insane for thinking my husband was wrong to go?

I get its your brother but you can sit one birthday out and stay with your wife and 3month old.

like WE should have said no as a couple. so i wrote him and i said i thought you were supposed to be back early (as he said) and he said "i cant just leave my brother" i said "oh but it was ok to leave us?" so this ended up as an argument with his argument that i should have come and i was wrong to leave him tonight.

 

am i missing sthn here? surely he could have decided to stay w his wife and child?

i feel like im living in an alternate universe here, even my mother in law was yelling at me to go that its not nice to miss birthdays.

my in laws are ten years older than my parents, they surely wouldnt enjoy waking up every hour as my son is currently doing. Thoughts?

ps im 31 hubz32

[basil67]

Assuming that your inlaws are perfectly capable of caring for your child and have plenty of milk on hand, it's not irresponsible to go out for a night.

 

Perhaps the two of you could have found compromise with you attending the club with him and both of you leaving early (say 1am) together?

[NTV]

Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on your husband to adhere to your idea of a responsible adult and he wanted a night off from that.

 

If you two haven't had a conversation about what being a responsible parent means then you should. (Course not when he's hungover lol). A lot of women jump into being parents with two feet and have 'my way or the highway' mentality.

 

My wife was so caught up in motherhood that she wouldn't let me hire a sitter. That kind of attitude showed me I wasn't important to her. And I wasn't asking for it every weekend.

[ASG]

It's not irresponsible to leave your child in the capable hands of grandparents. Why would you think that?

 

I mean, if you were leaving your baby EVERY NIGHT, that's one thing, but once in a while? You need to enjoy life with your husband.

 

So yes, I think you are missing something... You should have gone with your husband. Your in laws OFFERED to take care of your child. It's not your job to decide what is too much for them or not. They're adults. They can take care of a baby.

And no, your husband does not need to stay with you when it's his brother's birthday. It ONE NIGHT.

 

You need to loosen up.

[WaitingForBardot]

It's not irresponsible to leave your child in the capable hands of grandparents. Why would you think that?

 

I mean, if you were leaving your baby EVERY NIGHT, that's one thing, but once in a while? You need to enjoy life with your husband.

 

So yes, I think you are missing something... You should have gone with your husband. Your in laws OFFERED to take care of your child. It's not your job to decide what is too much for them or not. They're adults. They can take care of a baby.

And no, your husband does not need to stay with you when it's his brother's birthday. It ONE NIGHT.

 

You need to loosen up.

I strongly disagree with this idea. When my kids were young I absolutely made judgements about whether particular people were capable of taking care of my kids; they were my kids!

 

And while the OP may have missed a nice break, if she really was worried the inlaws were not up to the task she did the right thing.

[elaine567]

I totally get the need for you as a married couple to make couple decisions and if you felt uncomfortable with the inlaws taking care of your small baby then fair enough your husband should have backed you up and stayed at home. It is NOT solely YOUR baby, it is HIS baby too.

 

BUT your husband WAS put in a difficult position. He had the pressure of doing the "right" thing and staying at home with you and his child or tripping the light fantastic with his brother who no doubt also applied pressure on him to come with him.

Frankly his brother should have recognised the situation in advance and arranged to go to a club with his own mates and left his married brother at home with his new baby.

 

YOU will probably at some point need to leave your child with the inlaws, so you may need to get your head around that, but as the child is so young I can see that your reservations atm may be entirely valid

[ASG]

I strongly disagree with this idea. When my kids were young I absolutely made judgements about whether particular people were capable of taking care of my kids; they were my kids!

 

And while the OP may have missed a nice break, if she really was worried the inlaws were not up to the task she did the right thing.

 

I get what you're saying. However, what the OP said was "surely they wouldn't enjoy waking up every hour". Not that they wouldn't be able to care for the baby, but that they would find it less than agreeable.

And that is a kind of judgement that she has no place making.

 

Let them do it and them decide if they want to do it again or not. They offered. They clearly were happy to do it.

[anika99]

If your husband is going clubbing every weekend then that's a problem but I don't see going out one night with his brother who while visiting from out of town as a big deal. You were invited and made your choice not to go. If your husband is normally an attentive loving husband and father then it's not the end of the world that he took a night off and had some fun.

[sandylee1]

I think this shows that men are generally less considerate and think about themselves. You were thinking a 70 year old and wife of a similar age would find that too much, that thought didn't enter his head.

 

Reminds me of when my sisters and I had babies, our husbands were fine leaving my mum with 4 children under 2 years old. We felt it was too much, but my mum is so willing and said not to worry.

 

I wouldn't have left my baby with my MIL. I think I as the mother have the right to decide who looks after my child and I need to be comfortable with it.

 

Don't stress yourself, as it's not a habit.

[stillafool]

Perhaps since it was his brothers bd he knew he would be getting drunk and wanted to take care of him. I think your husband is right in what he did. You did have his parents there with you and the baby since you decided to stay in you weren't alone.

[Robert]

Here are links to the threadstarter's other threads for context. ~6

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/591172-8-9-mths-pregnant-husband-totally-insensitive

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/609491-how-deal-regret

[sandylee1]

I've just read your other threads, thanks to the Mods.

 

It seems your husband enjoys living like a single man at time and can be inconsiderate.

 

You need to get him to do more with the baby and actually leave the baby with him for a couple of hours to begin with, otherwise you'll get saddled with the baby all the time.

 

With reading your other threads, I can see you getting to the point of having enough and calling time on the marriage, if he doesn't step up a bit more than he's doing at the moment.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think this shows that men are generally less considerate and think about themselves.

 

Wow, broad brush.

 

so my husband goes, no question. its now 4:32 and they are still out.

am I insane for thinking my husband was wrong to go?

 

girlwhohasaquestion, not sure I understand what his going - or staying home - represents to you? Since thus sounds like a one-off occasion, seems you'd be happy for him to have some fun. As, one would hope, he'd be for you when you get a similar night out.

 

Kids are the most important thing when you have them in a marriage. They're just not the only thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noirek]

OP, you have some serious issues that need tobe worked on. Plenty of red flags in your own behaviour to work on. And it does make one wonder about the other side of the story. I have a friend who is moody/sensitive/cranky for one thing. And what she calls yelling is not at all what someone else may call yelling. Her overly sensitive nature makes her tend to exagerate things. Or at least that is how it seems but I actually honestly believe she precieves it as "yelling". Is this possibly you?

 

Plus there is no law you can't argue with a pregnant wife... in fact that smacks of entitlment. Going out when you have a three month old? Perfectly normal and actually petty to make a big deal about it.

 

But there is the problem. You are in love with another man. You are not giving this marriage your all because you wish you were with your ex. That sort of thinking builds resentment. It hinders your current relationship without any of the normal extra problems marriages face. You are not in with two feet.

 

Assess your own behaviour, seek proffesional help and really learn to see yourself clearly. When you are in a better place you will find you can see your husband's actions a little clearer. And ask for reasonable changes. Like more investment in you. You can't fairly ask for it now while you are mooning over the ex.

 

Also, ppd at 3 months is very likely still. It can start and build and last a very long time. I suffered from PPD with my son. I didn't even admit it to myself until 8 months.

[sandylee1]

Wow, broad brush.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I probably didn't explain myself properly.

 

I meant particularly in relation to the OPs situation, where babies and children are concerned.

 

They aren't as fussy as a new mother is and they're generally happy to leave a baby with anyone who is responsible, without actually thinking if they can cope.

 

Quite often, it's because they haven't ever spent time alone with the baby, so they don't know what's involved.

 

Most new mothers aren't going to want to leave a baby that young with anyone else during the night.