I'm getting older - no dates - sister and friends all married [UPDATE: quit OLD]

[Chris2016]

To be honest, your not alone and I feel the same way you feel. I am a black woman and I have a hard time getting dates too (although, I haven't tried online dating).

 

Black women and Asian men really need to hook-up more. I don't know why they don't. Seeming how they're the groups that don't get chosen, at least according to some online dating site.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Chris2016

[HandsomeAndLonely]

It's not racism. Really. The reality is that we humans cannot control who we find sexually appealing. Racism is a choice. Sexual attraction is not.

 

Many men and women have found potential partners they very much liked the personality and appearance of, but did not go on a date with more than once or twice because there was simply no chemistry between them.

 

This probably explains your OLD experiences. Sexual attraction/chemistry can only be gauged in person. It's likely the women who met with you saw you as a potential partner, but simply didn't feel chemically sexually attracted to you when you met in real life.

 

Have you considered a professional matchmaker?

 

What about attending your local Catholic churches? In our area, there are many single Catholic women who attend Mass weekly and are looking for good, Christian, men to marry and have babies with. Most of the congregation at local Catholic churches is elderly married couples, elderly widows/widowers, a few kids/teens, and many single women in their late 20's to early 40's.

 

Have you checked the local Christian singles groups? Here, there are multi denominational singles groups for Christians who are looking for mates.

 

I have to disagree with you. The media is what fuels how people determine what beauty is. Here in the US, Asian males are emasculated and deemed un-dateable, nerds, or violent people. There are never any love roles for us in movies or TV dramas. You only see commercials with Asian females with white guys, because they are symbols of sexuality. etc.

 

This is one BIG FACTOR that has continued to make me a bachelor into my mid 30s. Guaranteed.

 

I have been to many churches in my area, ever since I have moved here to my new state and town.

 

Since I'm of Korean ancestry, I have been to many Korean churches in my area, only to find that ALL of the young people are married with kids, or simply married, or in a relationship. Some of the girls have boyfriends living in Korea, and the girl does not plan on staying in the US for long.

 

Catholic churches? Ummmm, no. I will probably get more stares from the church members being of different skin color, than get a girlfriend. It's sad.

 

Have I hired a professional match maker?

 

You're kidding me! When I was living in my former state, I paid $1000 for a one-year membership with a match-making company. All they did was pair me up with foreign exchange young girls from Japan who were in my former city, just there to learn "engrish" for 3-5 months. After five months was up, they would leave and go back to Japan. After communicating with these girl for up to two weeks after they left the US, they would cease communication with me. I was basically acting as a "tour guide" for these girls that I have met, and also financially burned badly, since in Japanese culture, it's the men who MOSTLY pay for all the meals.

And it was not just one girl this match-making agency was pairing me up with. After they introduced me to one girl, a week later, agency would call me up and give me the name, hometown, and contact information of another girl.

 

I don't know what kind of professional match-maker you have in mind. But after that one TERRIBLE experience, I never had any faith with match-making agencies.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

OK what about other stuff. I met my husband at a business event, not a dating thing.

 

What kind of business event are you talking about?

 

I don't work in the business field.

 

Try the off beat stuff. Join groups & attend things or volunteer somewhere because you are genuinely interested in the event / cause not only so you can meet people. I joined a thing called Leashes & Lovers because I felt more comfortable bringing my dog. I was about to sign up for something where you get matched with another single to play golf. I like golf. Even If the guy hadn't been a match I figured it wouldn't be a bust because at least I got in 9 holes.

 

I know there are hiking clubs in my area, and other meet up groups. But I find meet up events to be pointless. You just go there, meet and mingle with people, but come on. Most of the time, you see sally or jessica at one meet up event, but she doesn't show up to subsequent events, or I'm busy with work, so I cannot show up to other subsequent meet up events.

 

Where do you find out about these events?

 

 

There are groups for everything. Go protest something; it's not like there's a shortage of causes these days. Join a political campaign to advocate the candidate of your choice. Get involved in a book club. Join a running or cycling group; my friend met her husband through a ski group but in the years before she met her husband she enjoyed traveling around skiing. Take a cooking class. Volunteer somewhere -- raise money to cure a disease; become a docent at your local museum or cultural exhibit; clean cages at a local shelter.

 

volunteer somewhere. The kind of volunteer work I want to do is not in my area. I have to drive 34-36 miles from my little ugly town, in order to do volunteer work for homeless shelters, etc. Oh well, it's worth a try.

 

I'm also new to my current area, so I am still learning the nooks and crannies about the roadways, shopping areas, etc.

 

Hence, I have been using online dating for the last three months. Not really much success in terms of feeling any connections with the girls I have been meeting.

 

The first two girls were a bit overweight and they did not look attractive to me. The third girl was very pretty and I thought we connected. However, her clue to me was "I thought you were Chinese, but you're not that ethnicity" hence, she doesn't care for me. I still send her text messages on and off, but so far, no subsequent lunch or dinner meet up.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

Black women and Asian men really need to hook-up more. I don't know why they don't. Seeming how they're the groups that don't get chosen, at least according to some online dating site.

 

For me, quite honestly, I'm attracted to women first of my ethnic group, and then racial group. I think that this concept also mainly applies to people from other racial backgrounds.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think anyone who goes into dating this bitter and thinking they're getting the short end of the stick in the world is going to be very successful.

 

Read this forum for a bit, dating is crappy for everyone, even blue eyed blonde haired men, and beautiful women.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

I don't think anyone who goes into dating this bitter and thinking they're getting the short end of the stick in the world is going to be very successful.

 

Read this forum for a bit, dating is crappy for everyone, even blue eyed blonde haired men, and beautiful women.

 

Hey listen gunslinger. I don't show my bitterness when meeting up with a girl.

 

However, due to the odds stacked against me here in the US (when it comes to romance and dating), and having half of my life pass under my nose, and not have had a real/authentic girlfriend whom I can cuddle......I am very bitter and angry. Of course! THat's human nature!

 

Yes, I know dating is crappy for everyone. And yes, just because you're in a relationship, does not mean that life will be better.

 

However, for me, whenever I even had a platonic girlfriend in the past, I felt much better, less depressed, and my work performance improved.

That was the experience I've had.

 

Having a girlfriend makes things happier, much happier than just regular friends in one's social circle.

 

I don't know. I've tried online dating for the last four months, and no success. I've had match-making done for me (not the most-recent one that I've posted in another thread, but another one done back in July of last year) and no success. Back in my home state, I signed up for a match-making agency, and I literally squandered $1000 and MORe money to buy these girls meals and to drive them around. I felt like I was used.

 

I feel like leaving the US, but my current job.....there's no job opportunities for me in other countries.

 

I'm also getting older, just hit 35 last week, and this is not a great sign. I keep praying to the good Lord....I hope He listens to me.

[Lilyana76]

Maybe it's time to just work on you, spend some time figuring out what makes you happy (other than being in a relationship).

 

Going into a relationship and giving your partner the job of making you happy is going to be a huge weight on their shoulders.

 

You should be happy as you, alone, before entering into a relationship.

[d0nnivain]

FWIW I didn't meet my husband until I was 39. He was 35. It was a 1st marriage for both of us.

 

 

As long as your anger & bitterness is only showing here, you are probably OK. If it is apparent to the women you meet, that will be part of the problem.

 

 

Is there a niche OLD site for Korean people? Have you tried that?

[GunslingerRoland]

I honestly find it hard to believe that you can have this deep down negativity and be able to bottle it up in your interactions with women. Stuff like this shows through. Anger and fear in others affects us even if we don't consciously notice it.

 

So why do you not have any girls that you are friends with anymore? Finding a girlfriend is difficult obviously. But making friends should be fairly easy, right?

[RecentChange]

Your attitude is extremely unattractive. You sound like you dislike women and play the victim card.

 

I am in the CA bay area, my neighborhood is over 60% Asian, so I just do not see the race struggles you are dealing with - I will say that.

 

But I do not know of any single women who would entertain a guy who has poor social skills, never had normal bf/gf relationship and has a history of addiction to sex workers.

 

Before you go blaming women, society, etc - it would behoove you to do some introspection. You can't change women, you can't change society, but you can change yourself.

 

Attitude affects everything, and yours is piss poor.

[Moves Like Jagger]

I think that the importance of shared interests in getting a date is overrated. There is a lot of people who share my hobbies who want nothing to do with me. On the flip side, there were women who shared nothing in common with me who wanted to date me. All this talk about Meetup, church hopping, and matchmaking doesn't address the problem that a guy's looks and vibe are the primary reasons that a guy can get a date from a woman.

 

Your body type and hairstyle are much more important than your theological views on salvation and the role of the Church. Christian women care about looks just as much as non-religious women.

 

Now, I understand your concern about race. Asian guys have to work harder at getting a date than Caucasians because there are these negative stereotypes that Asian guys are asexual and effeminate. A Caucasian guy can get away with being geeky if he is social and knows how to connect with women. Asian guys can't get away with being geeky because of the negative stereotypes.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

Maybe it's time to just work on you, spend some time figuring out what makes you happy (other than being in a relationship).

 

Going into a relationship and giving your partner the job of making you happy is going to be a huge weight on their shoulders.

 

You should be happy as you, alone, before entering into a relationship.

 

I see what you're saying that I should be happy. However, half of my life has gone by, and with school, and graduate school having taken up a chunk of my life, and now, finally having and job and living on my own, I really do want to settle down with a real girlfriend and eventually get married.

 

The thing is, everybody else in my circle of friends are already married, and have kids. A good friend of mine is not helpful though, in helping me find a girlfriend.

 

Hence, I'm taking my own initiative by going online to date. However, due to discrimination against me, I'm getting few to no responses on a daily basis.

 

Hence, I'm not going to be happy, never, until I find a true girlfriend. None of this platonic garbage. I have already been in platonic relationship, and they don't appease me at all.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

Your attitude is extremely unattractive. You sound like you dislike women and play the victim card.

 

WTH? I dislike women? I LOVE women. It's just that I've been matched and paired up with girls of my own ethnic background, but usually after one or two dates, it becomes a dud.

 

I have also been doing OLD since October of last year, and while some of the ladies I've met face-to-face from online dating websites, there are two whom I still meet with.

 

No, I'm not playing the race/victim card. You're probably a non-Asian male, so you see things differently through a different perspective.

 

After dealing with rejections after rejection, how the hell do you expect me to be a happy guy?

Edited February 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory language

[HandsomeAndLonely]

I think that the importance of shared interests in getting a date is overrated. There is a lot of people who share my hobbies who want nothing to do with me. On the flip side, there were women who shared nothing in common with me who wanted to date me. All this talk about Meetup, church hopping, and matchmaking doesn't address the problem that a guy's looks and vibe are the primary reasons that a guy can get a date from a woman.

 

yeah, this is why I have been church shopping in my area, eversince moving to my new town/state. The first church I was attending didn't have single women my age or a little younger than me. I have also been to Meetup events. But seriously, most of them had more males than females who showed up. I also have attended Meetup groups for singles and most of the females were either older than me, or weren't that attractive for me.

 

Anyhow, I'm planning on attending another church next weekend....if I have the time to do so.

 

 

 

Your body type and hairstyle are much more important than your theological views on salvation and the role of the Church. Christian women care about looks just as much as non-religious women.

 

^^ Yup, so true! Although I'm not a fat guy, I still work out at the gym to improve my looks and body image.

 

Now, I understand your concern about race. Asian guys have to work harder at getting a date than Caucasians because there are these negative stereotypes that Asian guys are asexual and effeminate. A Caucasian guy can get away with being geeky if he is social and knows how to connect with women. Asian guys can't get away with being geeky because of the negative stereotypes.

 

^^ AMEN! Somebody finally understands the sh-t I have to deal with when it comes to dating.

[Robert]

*****Moderators Note****

 

Let's keep the posts civil and respectful or expect some infractions, thanks

[basil67]

A little more on the stereotyping of Asian males. I worked at a Japanese company for many years and the Japanese girls were marrying western guys. We talked about it.

 

They mentioned nothing about the men being asexual or effeminate. Instead, it was the behaviour stereotype which they were avoiding. That men would stay at work till the boss went home. Men were unable/unwilling to do housework (I saw a 30 something guy who had spilled milk all over the office kitchen floor and was completely clueless as to how to clean it up). Men's drunkenness. I worked in the accounting dept and would pay invoices for 'entertaining' of visiting clients (use your imagination). In short, it was the male-female dynamic which the women were wary of.

 

I'm not suggesting that you're the type of guy to stay at work for half the evening or that you can't keep house etc etc. However, the way to beat stereotypes is to make sure you understand them and can devise a work-around for it. For example, you could mention on your profile that you have a very western attitude to work and life.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

*****Moderators Note****

 

Let's keep the posts civil and respectful or expect some infractions, thanks

 

Will do, thanks.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

A little more on the stereotyping of Asian males. I worked at a Japanese company for many years and the Japanese girls were marrying western guys. We talked about it.

 

^^ This is why I tend to dislike j-girls. I've been with a match-making company back in my home-state where they paired me up with visiting japanese girls learning Engrish, only to have them go back home, and they stop responding to my Line app messages. But good to know what you've learned from them.

 

They mentioned nothing about the men being asexual or effeminate. Instead, it was the behaviour stereotype which they were avoiding. That men would stay at work till the boss went home. Men were unable/unwilling to do housework (I saw a 30 something guy who had spilled milk all over the office kitchen floor and was completely clueless as to how to clean it up). Men's drunkenness.

 

Men would stay at work until after closing time because Japanese culture is a terrible work-a-holic culture. My dad's side is 3rd-gen japanese, so I know a lot about the high rate of suicide there. It's crazy. Thank God I wasn't born there. LOL!

 

I worked in the accounting dept and would pay invoices for 'entertaining' of visiting clients (use your imagination). In short, it was the male-female dynamic which the women were wary of.

 

LOL! Wow, that's nuts, but an eye-opener to me.

 

I'm just curious. Did you work for this company IN Japan, or was this a Jpanese company based in Australia?

 

 

For example, you could mention on your profile that you have a very western attitude to work and life.

 

Sure can!

[basil67]

Japanese company based in Australia. A trading house. All the execs were Japanese male expats and the secretaries/admin staff were local girls

[HandsomeAndLonely]

Japanese company based in Australia. A trading house. All the execs were Japanese male expats and the secretaries/admin staff were local girls

 

 

Oh, I see. Cool job gig that you've had.

 

On another note aside from my thread, I've always had second thoughts of leaving the US to find my girlfriend. Time is ticking, I'm getting older, and the dating scene in the US is not working in favor of me.

 

How's Australia like? I've heard the people there are nice, but at the same time, I've heard news incidence from Australia that discourages me from wanting to even visit there for a vacation.

[bluefeather]

I think you could do better with an attitude adjustment. Even though you say that you play it cool when with women and only vent online, I don't think you can hide that much negativity or bitterness. On the other hand, if you really think it all has to do with your race, why don't you visit a country that has more of your race and see how that works out for you?

[HandsomeAndLonely]

I think you could do better with an attitude adjustment. Even though you say that you play it cool when with women and only vent online, I don't think you can hide that much negativity or bitterness. On the other hand, if you really think it all has to do with your race, why don't you visit a country that has more of your race and see how that works out for you?

 

LOL! I actually do hide my "Mr Hyde" part of me when going on face-to-face dates with ladies I meet online. I only do my venting online, which I think is a healthy medium to do so.

 

Why don't I visit country with my race? I am not fluent in Korean, and I even had potential girlfriends studying abroad here in the US who were introduced to me (and they're from S. Korea). However, my Korean language grammar sucks, and it was a big turn off to these girls. I had two potential girlfriends back in my home state, but they didn't like my grammar errors and spelling errors when writing to them via text message. I am also mixed with japanese ancestry with a surname, and Korean people don't like Japanese so I'm pretty screwed - maybe thinking of legal surname change some time in the near future.

 

I also don't see much job opportunities abroad with the profession job that I currently work in. The pay and work conditions in my profession are much better here. However, I am researching ways on working, maybe, in the US military in the near future, so that I can be stationed in S. Korea or Japan. Hopefully that way, I can find a future wife (although I may be an old fart by that time ).

[HandsomeAndLonely]

I just completed the cancellation process for my membership on Match.com.

 

While it is a decent online dating website or app, depending on what you use, I was hoping to find the right girlfriend for me. I have been a member of that website since early November.

 

I am happy though that I did get "some" but not a lot of responses out of the hundreds and thousands of email messages that I have sent out to women.

 

My success factor for online dating is first getting some kind of messages response, and the other factor is having those online messages or email messages lead up to exchanging our phone numbers and then a face-to-face date or meet-up with the girl.

 

I'm surprised that I had nine face-to-face coffee or lunch meetups with women I have been in contact with.

 

However, NONE of these led to romantic relationships.

 

Two of them led to "friendship"....basically I was friend zoned, and for me, it's okay, because I currently moved to my current location 10 months ago, and need to increase my friend network.

 

However, i was hoping to be in a romantic relationship by now.

 

But that plan has been derailed, and on Valentine's Day, I'm seated at home (Day off today!) moping and feeling depressed about life.

 

I'm in my mid 30s, and I feel that life has been passing me by.

 

My sister has been married for six years, and has two sons.

 

My friend bryce has been married for five years, and his wife gave birth to his baby daughter last year in June.

 

ALL, yes, ALL of my cousins in both my father and mother's side of the family are married.

 

I feel like the odd ball, which is why I did not attend a family re-union party/gathering last year.

 

Anyhow, I may try another dating website in the near future.

 

Right now, I guess I'm taking a break from OLD.

 

People keep feeding me this sh-t that "oh, you will find the right one when you least expect it."

 

I hate hearing that garbage. I heard that from my grandma 10 years ago before she passed away. I hear that from former friends, and look at me now, mid 30s, working, but still single.

[Shanex]

A number of people here will relate to your story.

 

Two questions that seems, to me relevant:

 

-How long have you been single?

-How long did you stay on match or other old sites?

 

See: I am about your age and still single and childless. Despite the occasional fling or FWB. Even older people struggle for marriage and commitment while some young folks can achieve it.

[normal person]

I'm in my mid 30s, and I feel that life has been passing me by.

 

I can understand the feeling. But I hesitate to agree with your indictment of online dating as it's really becoming the de facto way to meet people these days. Just because it hasn't workout for you, or hasn't worked out for you yet doesn't mean it's the website's fault. Plenty of people meet each other online these days, in fact if you look up the statistics about the percentage of new marriages that started online (around 30% the last time I checked), you'd be floored. If you whittle through 100 people and then find the one person you were looking for, would you not say it was worth it in the end?

 

If you're having trouble, I would suggest you give yourself an audit. You're handsome (you say), so you have an advantage there. You're in your mid 30s and single so most likely you're successful and have a lot of money saved up since you don't have a marriage and kids to siphon off your earnings. How have you invested your time up until this point? What is it about you, or what have you done that makes you such a catch that your single status is the fault of online dating technology and not your own shortcomings? What's so special about you that these women aren't seeing? And why haven't they noticed in person either, if it's just the fault of online dating? Food for thought.

 

 

 

People keep feeding me this sh-t that "oh, you will find the right one when you least expect it."

 

I hate hearing that garbage. I heard that from my grandma 10 years ago before she passed away. I hear that from former friends, and look at me now, mid 30s, working, but still single.

 

Yeah, I will agree with you here that that's a bs sentiment and anyone who says that really isn't thinking critically. You'll find the right one when you successfully cross paths with her and win her over, and you do that by being proactive, not inactive. Grandma's wrong here.

 

 

I'm surprised that I had nine face-to-face coffee or lunch meetups with women I have been in contact with.

 

I know this wasn't the point of your post, but coffee and lunch are really bad dates/first impressions in my opinion.

 

Best of luck.