Am I jealous? Why do I feel like this? Psychiatrists will have fun with this one...

[JP1810]

Hi everyone, my first post on here, I joined to ask this.

I have a potential for a wonderful relationship with someone, loads in common, we both like similar things which no one else seems to, we really true do like eachother a lot. Unfortunately it's very long distance, but we're not worried about that at all. I have found myself getting... jealous? Insecure? I'm not sure, that's why I'm on here. Typing this I realise there are actually two things. Firstly, she's extremely intelligent, and I often find myself feeling depressed because I don't feel I'm good enough, I have an IQ of 138, tonne fair I am more intelligent in some ways, but when it comes to memory, and important things, I feel so inferior. It may be because I'm extremely competitive, and cannot, and will not lose any sort of game. Lol, especially not to someone I like (psychiatrists, please)

This is the main problem though. Her family is very wealthy. Wonderful luxury apartment, new cars, computers, games consoles. Everything you can think of. For as long as I can remember I've actually had a fear of millionaires (it's honestly true). My family has a comfortable amount, we aren't poor, but I've always been insecure when it comes to money situations, and I don't mind, but this is the one time it's really getting to me. I don't want to feel like this, but I'm genuinely depressed about this. It really does depress me that I'm here with a simple old car, yet she's out driving a brand new top of the range vehicle. My gosh. Someone help me PLEASE!! lol

 

If you managed to read all this congratulations by the way.

[ExpatInItaly]

You said you are very long-distance - how far are we talking? Have you met in person?

 

I think your problem is low self-worth. You feel inferior which also can fuel competitiveness, but it's how that manifests itself that could be problematic. I have a friend who sounds quite similar. She certainly doesn't need to be so down on herself, but she is very insecure. The way this comes out is her intense sense of competition, but not necessarily because she actually wants what she's "competing" for - she just can't handle feeling like second place. It's not about the prize, per se, but the fear of affirming what she believes about herself..which is that she isn't good enough.

 

This also often translates into disdain for those are somehow "better" or more fortunate than she is (in her mind, anyway) She can be quite dismissive of anyone she perceives as a threat to her self-worth, which seems to really come form a place of fear. She is afraid that others will agree with the negative view she has of herself. I think this is probably what's going on with you. You are afraid of those who might affirm your poor beliefs about yourself.

 

You will need to address those feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I don't think this is jealousy, but feelings of being "less than" someone else. This will require a lot of self-exploration as to what you think you are lacking, and which steps to take to overcome that.

[JP1810]

Thanks for your answer! I'm in England and she's in the US. We've been talking every day for about 2 and a bit years. We haven't actually met but we video call for hours every day, and we've grown to know everything about eachother, and have seen eachother at our best and worst. It is mainly a best friend level but we know we like eachother a lot. We're trying to save some money now to finally meet (she's trying to become a writer, so as of now she isn't making any money, but is getting a job to raise funds). She doesn't want to ask her parents for money you see, (she is in her 20's though if you're wondering)

I've only ever had one girlfriend before and I went into depression when she got better at me on a game, and I always felt I was seriously inferior (even though I know now how wrong I was). I believe I have issues from that experience still, I was relatively young, and my feelings changed, but I'm not sure if they changed because I did, or because she drove me away (she kept telling me she was being bullied and saying she was going to kill herself, she was even making people and said they were trying to beat her up) I'm slightly afraid that will repeat itself because it was a big point in my life that I was to try and forget. My dad has always unintentionally upset me by saying I'll never do anything any good, so may as well get a menial job and waste the rest of my life being absolutely miserable. Obviously he doesn't say that but that's what it seems like. It's not just me I'm thinking bad about, she watches a lot of movies, and I really have problems with the horror movie she watches and does in fact see (only because we're both religious and are told to avoid movies regarding paranormal and stuff like that.) we do make eachother very happy though, were always talking and always have something to talk about, so don't get me wrong in that aspect, but when it comes to money, intelligence, and other stuff like that, i just wish I could help myself and not worry at all about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your answer! I'm in England and she's in the US. We've been talking every day for about 2 and a bit years. We haven't actually met but we video call for hours every day, and we've grown to know everything about eachother, and have seen eachother at our best and worst. It is mainly a best friend level but we know we like eachother a lot. We're trying to save some money now to finally meet (she's trying to become a writer, so as of now she isn't making any money, but is getting a job to raise funds). She doesn't want to ask her parents for money you see, (she is in her 20's though if you're wondering)

I've only ever had one girlfriend before and I went into depression when she got better at me on a game, and I always felt I was seriously inferior (even though I know now how wrong I was). I believe I have issues from that experience still, I was relatively young, and my feelings changed, but I'm not sure if they changed because I did, or because she drove me away (she kept telling me she was being bullied and saying she was going to kill herself, she was even making people and said they were trying to beat her up) I'm slightly afraid that will repeat itself because it was a big point in my life that I was to try and forget. My dad has always unintentionally upset me by saying I'll never do anything any good, so may as well get a menial job and waste the rest of my life being absolutely miserable. Obviously he doesn't say that but that's what it seems like. It's not just me I'm thinking bad about, she watches a lot of movies, and I really have problems with the horror movie she watches and does in fact see (only because we're both religious and are told to avoid movies regarding paranormal and stuff like that.) we do make eachother very happy though, were always talking and always have something to talk about, so don't get me wrong in that aspect, but when it comes to money, intelligence, and other stuff like that, i just wish I could help myself and not worry at all about it.

 

I'm confused about this. What does your dad actually say to you?

 

I think I would deal with the underlying issues of not feeling good enough before considering dating. That inferiority will affect intimate relationships and it would be better to get yourself to a better emotional place so you can enjoy a healthy relationship.

 

In my opinion, your uneasiness of your friend's material wealth is really just a symptom of the bigger problem of your low self-esteem.

 

As for her watching horror movies - well, she's an adult. Even if your religion discourages this, she is demonstrating that she's not as devout as you might be.

 

I must admit, I don't quite understand how this friendship would be able to transition into something more. If she is living off her parents' money and has no steady income of her own, and you aren't in a financial position to afford airfare, the viability of a trans-Atlantic relationship is low. I get that she doesn't want to ask her parents for cold hard cash, but it's rather contradictory that she seems comfortable living off them otherwise, driving an expensive car, and the like. Does she still live in their home?

[JP1810]

My dad says things like this: you absolutely have to get all the exams you can or you won't be able to get a good job and I'll be doing something miserable. I'm actually starting a career in photography, but he doesn't seem to think I'll ever make anything of it even though I've already got a LOT of interest in my work. Also regarding that, I will in fact be making the money I need. I'll be doing other things in the meantime to make extra money, and I know what my costs are, and how much I need to cover them. Like I said, she's going to get a part time job to get the funds in order to visit, we've worked out exactly how much will be needed there too, and I can provide accommodation so that's not an added financial problem. Her parents aren't controlling shall we say, but but they wouldn't want her to go to the other side of the world without them, because of worry, and they'd also be offended. (This won't be a problem, there'll be a long discussion regarding the situation) so she wants to make her own money for the journey instead of asking them for money for something they don't really want to take place. At least if she has her OWN money, she has a certain amount of freedom, and yes, she is still living with them. Also, she's nearly completed a novel and a series of children's books, and she also has a high degree in writing, so she's just finishing them in order to get them published. Not only that, but she also has other ways to make money as she's skilled in art, singing, and stuff like that.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for your answer! I'm in England and she's in the US. We've been talking every day for about 2 and a bit years. We haven't actually met but we video call for hours every day, and we've grown to know everything about eachother, and have seen eachother at our best and worst.

 

This quote does not mix with someone having an IQ of 138.

 

This is not even common sense, it s nothing but a fantasy. If you have never been in someone's physical presence you can't come close to knowing everything about each other, 2 and a half years or not.

 

You have been infatuated and feeling jealous of a feeling someone you have allowed to instill these feelings in you via the internet.

 

It is a fantasy. You don't need a Shrink, you just need to get off your computer and go outside.

[ExpatInItaly]

Are there some cultural beliefs that affect her level of independence?

 

At her age, she seems awfully reliant on them. It's wonderful that she is a skilled writer, and speaking as the daughter of a professional photographer I can certainly attest to the career prospects in the arts...but unless she's got a book deal, her writing likely will not be very lucrative for a while. Does she have a publisher? And in the mean time, what is the reason she's only searching for part-time work, instead of a full-time position? She'd make money a heck of a lot faster, and thus this meeting would happen much sooner. Seems like a logical choice to me.

 

Do her parents know who you are? Perhaps they would be more comfortable with this idea if they had the chance to speak to you and get to you know a little bit. That might also help to ease your fears about people with money. Get to know them as people, and you might just find they're not as intimidating as you fear. I take it you two are friends on social media, so you can see the type of car she drives and so on, correct? If so, keep in mind that social media only ever presents a fraction of people's real life. They probably have their own issues and obstacles like any family does, and are just as human and flawed as anyone else.

 

I am not trying to rain on your parade, OP. Sincerely. I just see some issues that could very much hinder your ability to take this friendship further.

[JP1810]

No cultural beliefs, I think it's just that they provide everything, so they pretty much tell her what she can and can't do, although she doesn't really do much anyway, party, etc. She doesn't have a publisher as of yet because she's not quite finished, but I think she'll go self published, not entirely sure. I know that for what we both want to do, assuming you have the right mindset, a lot of money can be made. Part time work so she can focus on writing, household responsibilities, and she only needs to do it long enough to get the funds we need, as were splitting the cost. Her parents know me quite well, we spoke for a few hours, and they're just like my family lol, we got on very well, I'm not intimidated by them, although sometimes they can be mean haha. I know exactly what's going on too, with family problems and stuff. Fair enough there's a lot, but we video call all the time so we discuss these matters. But it's not just on occasion, I mean of course people only post the good on social media, but they seem to always have something excellent they're buying, never have financial worries, at all. I don't know why I feel like this, I spent a while just now thinking about it but couldn't think of any reason why really. I know they're just human, but some humans are just better I suppose.

[Space Ritual]

I mean of course people only post the good on social media, but they seem to always have something excellent they're buying, never have financial worries, at all.

 

You realize appearances can be deceptive.

 

If her family is so rich, you realize she could more than afford to have per parents float her money for some travel, right?

 

Please understand that people take great pains on social media to make their life seem so exciting and wonderful when in fact it is probably about as mundane as can be.

 

 

I would probably feel better about myself if I made some profile on Social media about how successful I was, but it would not take away the fact I am a recovering drug addict of 20+ years and a twice convicted felon. My life is not exciting at all. I sure could of course make that go away if I wanted to present myself as some kind of great personality on Social Media. I may even be able to convince somebody with Skype of Facetime I am actually in control of everything around me. I can Bullschnitt with the best of them. A couple of stretches behind bars and having to fudge a lot of creative writing skills to explain gaps in a Resume of 4 years here and 3 years there which sounded plausible to a potential employer. It is difficult but not impossible to do. I am living proof of it.

 

You have not seen this person in the flesh in all this time, right?

 

Look, I was actually a victim of Catfishing before I even knew there was a term for it. I drove half way across the country to New Hampshire to see my dream girl back in 2006. I got all the way there from Chicago and got the shock of my life when in fact I knocked on the door and her live in boyfriend of 4 years answered it holding a kid. LOL.

 

That was quite a Matzah Ball hanging out of my mouth. I'm just telling you anyone can put on an act on Social Media but the majority of the time is is just that...an act.

 

If you have not met her after all this time, you probably never will.

 

You just need to move on and date somebody local.

[ExpatInItaly]

No cultural beliefs, I think it's just that they provide everything, so they pretty much tell her what she can and can't do, although she doesn't really do much anyway, party, etc. She doesn't have a publisher as of yet because she's not quite finished, but I think she'll go self published, not entirely sure. I know that for what we both want to do, assuming you have the right mindset, a lot of money can be made. Part time work so she can focus on writing, household responsibilities, and she only needs to do it long enough to get the funds we need, as were splitting the cost. Her parents know me quite well, we spoke for a few hours, and they're just like my family lol, we got on very well, I'm not intimidated by them, although sometimes they can be mean haha. I know exactly what's going on too, with family problems and stuff. Fair enough there's a lot, but we video call all the time so we discuss these matters. But it's not just on occasion, I mean of course people only post the good on social media, but they seem to always have something excellent they're buying, never have financial worries, at all. I don't know why I feel like this, I spent a while just now thinking about it but couldn't think of any reason why really. I know they're just human, but some humans are just better I suppose.

 

This is what I find odd - if they've spoken to you and are like family, why would they be so offended if she travels to meet you? I understand why any parent would be concerned with their daughter going around the world to meet a guy, but you stated earlier she feels that even asking them for their blessing to do would offend them. What does that mean, exactly?

 

This might be an obvious question, but do you know if she's dating anyone? Has she told you she shares your feelings? I ask because I wonder how much of the difficulty in meeting is due to her parents' concern, and how much of it is hers. She might be putting up these roadblocks on her own.

[JP1810]

I think it's because there's a bit of an age difference, and they may be slightly worried (myself being younger by a few years), however, they genuinely do like me, but they wouldn't want her at all to go by herself to another country because they always think of the worst possible outcome. They could all go together as a family, but it's difficult what with getting everything arranged, work for an example, her dad works in a different state and comes home for a couple of weeks every month. They'd be offended because her mum would believe it was because she wouldn't want to spend time with her, and just be trying to get away from her for a bit (she has a form of depression)

She's actually never had a boyfriend or ever been kissed, difficult to believe indeed, but in our religion it's best to wait until 18, and since she's always been extremely mature for her age, she always wanted to wait until she found that one person, by building a friendship first without any relationship

[JP1810]

You realize appearances can be deceptive.

 

If her family is so rich, you realize she could more than afford to have per parents float her money for some travel, right?

 

Please understand that people take great pains on social media to make their life seem so exciting and wonderful when in fact it is probably about as mundane as can be.

 

 

I would probably feel better about myself if I made some profile on Social media about how successful I was, but it would not take away the fact I am a recovering drug addict of 20+ years and a twice convicted felon. My life is not exciting at all. I sure could of course make that go away if I wanted to present myself as some kind of great personality on Social Media. I may even be able to convince somebody with Skype of Facetime I am actually in control of everything around me. I can Bullschnitt with the best of them. A couple of stretches behind bars and having to fudge a lot of creative writing skills to explain gaps in a Resume of 4 years here and 3 years there which sounded plausible to a potential employer. It is difficult but not impossible to do. I am living proof of it.

 

You have not seen this person in the flesh in all this time, right?

 

Look, I was actually a victim of Catfishing before I even knew there was a term for it. I drove half way across the country to New Hampshire to see my dream girl back in 2006. I got all the way there from Chicago and got the shock of my life when in fact I knocked on the door and her live in boyfriend of 4 years answered it holding a kid. LOL.

 

That was quite a Matzah Ball hanging out of my mouth. I'm just telling you anyone can put on an act on Social Media but the majority of the time is is just that...an act.

 

If you have not met her after all this time, you probably never will.

 

You just need to move on and date somebody local.

 

I do understand that, but she never actually showed off intentionally, not once. It's just what comes up in conversation. Her family life is slightly complex so it's not as simple as just asking them for money (she isn't asking me to pay, she's getting a part time job to raise funds to visit at the end of the year)

We talk about 5 hours a day on video call, I've spoken to all members of her family, and I do know that this is a genuine person. After your experience I understand completely why you should be sceptical, but good things do occasionally happen after all. The reason she hasn't visited yet is because of family, college, and she never wanted any sort of relationship like that straight away, she only wanted to be friends first, we were friends for 2 years before we knew any feelings existed

[smackie9]

She can afford a top of the line vehicle but she can't take a plane to meet you with a family member as a chaperone....something is not right. I think with the 2 years of waiting and the possibility of waiting even longer would cause your angst. or is it the fact you feel as it gets closer you feel you will not be presentable financially, or fear rejection upon the time of meeting each other...

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's because there's a bit of an age difference, and they may be slightly worried (myself being younger by a few years), however, they genuinely do like me, but they wouldn't want her at all to go by herself to another country because they always think of the worst possible outcome. They could all go together as a family, but it's difficult what with getting everything arranged, work for an example, her dad works in a different state and comes home for a couple of weeks every month. They'd be offended because her mum would believe it was because she wouldn't want to spend time with her, and just be trying to get away from her for a bit (she has a form of depression)

She's actually never had a boyfriend or ever been kissed, difficult to believe indeed, but in our religion it's best to wait until 18, and since she's always been extremely mature for her age, she always wanted to wait until she found that one person, by building a friendship first without any relationship

 

How is that any of that going to change when she does manage to raise the funds? And sorry, but if she's only looking for part-time work, you're going to be waiting quite a while before she can afford airfare and book time off work.

 

OP, the more you write, the more I have to wonder if this girl has any sincere intention of actually meeting you. There are a few things that don't really add up, in my opinion.

[rushed]

I have a huge inferiority complex when it comes to intelligence and money. I do okay money-wise with my job, and I'm pretty smart in regards to a lot of things, but I am no where close to brainy. My worst nightmare is being in a room full of intelligent rich people, which has happened.

 

My boyfriend is one of them. Well, depending on what constitutes as rich, he does make almost three times what I do. He also graduated from an Ivy League school and I've had to tell him several times that I don't understand a lot of what he's saying (sometimes it's computer jargon, sometimes it's politics, sometimes it's science). I dreaded meeting his family. He comes from a family of professors, lawyers, doctors, scientists, historians, etc. Each person he would tell me about in his family was just incredibly impressive.

 

But then I met his family and they are the most nicest people ever, just like him - down to earth, sweet, and sincerely welcoming.

 

We've been together almost eight months now, and although his intelligence blows mine out of the water, there are still things that I'm better at. Like I kick his ass in Words with Friends. And I can outrun him in a race. Regardless, it's not a competition. We get along and complement each other nicely. I used to feel that I wasn't smart enough for him. But he has never made me feel like I was less than. And I think that's what is important.

[JP1810]

I have a huge inferiority complex when it comes to intelligence and money. I do okay money-wise with my job, and I'm pretty smart in regards to a lot of things, but I am no where close to brainy. My worst nightmare is being in a room full of intelligent rich people, which has happened.

 

My boyfriend is one of them. Well, depending on what constitutes as rich, he does make almost three times what I do. He also graduated from an Ivy League school and I've had to tell him several times that I don't understand a lot of what he's saying (sometimes it's computer jargon, sometimes it's politics, sometimes it's science). I dreaded meeting his family. He comes from a family of professors, lawyers, doctors, scientists, historians, etc. Each person he would tell me about in his family was just incredibly impressive.

 

But then I met his family and they are the most nicest people ever, just like him - down to earth, sweet, and sincerely welcoming.

 

We've been together almost eight months now, and although his intelligence blows mine out of the water, there are still things that I'm better at. Like I kick his ass in Words with Friends. And I can outrun him in a race. Regardless, it's not a competition. We get along and complement each other nicely. I used to feel that I wasn't smart enough for him. But he has never made me feel like I was less than. And I think that's what is important.

 

Nice to finally talk to someone who's so similar. My fear was millionaires, still kind of is. You're right, there are things I'm better at, and she's not once made me feel inferior. I've spoken to her family and they are very nice. That's not what I'm worried about however. I do think it's mainly jealousy that there are some people who can have whatever they feel like whenever they feel like, especially when they don't even need to work for it themselves, and just get it. And I'm talking 25k and 40k+ cars. Brand new, among other things. It's not all bad, I mean to be fair I do live in semi luxury, but it's when you come across people like that... You know?