Dad passed away last week. Next steps?

[JuneL]

 

Perhaps, in the meantime, you can let her know that you appreciate all her kindness, but will she mind giving you some space and time for your 'personal and alone' grieving. (In this way, you are leaving it on very good terms for 'if ever, whatever' may happen in the future.)

 

Excellent suggestion! Honestly she went overboard with her "kindness", and I would be annoyed if I were in your shoes.

 

OP: I understand it must be really difficult to grieve both your dad's passing away and the ending of your relationship with your ex-gf. Please continue to take the time to heal.

[BC1980]

I think you are in a vulnerable place and are seeing what is not there. I don't see any reason to believe she wants to restart the relationship. I think she was being kind because you do share a history, and word got back to her about your father's death. Because the breakup was so recent, she probably felt like it was the right thing to do in acknowledging your father's death. She is also somewhat in your periphery because you work together, so she can't ignore what happened when word gets back to her.

 

My grandmother died a few months after my ex left me, and he did know her and had visited her a few months before she died. He sent a card and condolences, but that was shortly after we broke up. If I had a family member die today, he wouldn't even know about it or send me a card.

 

The point I'm making is that she didn't come to the wake and show interest/support in your father's passing because she has any intentions of getting back together. She only did so because, due to the breakup being recent, she still has familiarity with you, and the timing is still in a grey area. Her comment about catching up at some time is an offhand comment I would not at all take seriously. We all say that same phrase all the time with no urgency attached. I certainly wouldn't interpret it as her wanting a second chance.

 

My condolences regarding your father's passing. I think your time might be better spent working your way through the grieving process than by worrying about your ex. If she wants to get back together, she will let you know. It's not necessary for you to worry about it and initiated a meet up. Let her do that if she wants to.

[msportsfan25]

I think you are in a vulnerable place and are seeing what is not there. I don't see any reason to believe she wants to restart the relationship. I think she was being kind because you do share a history, and word got back to her about your father's death. Because the breakup was so recent, she probably felt like it was the right thing to do in acknowledging your father's death. She is also somewhat in your periphery because you work together, so she can't ignore what happened when word gets back to her.

 

My grandmother died a few months after my ex left me, and he did know her and had visited her a few months before she died. He sent a card and condolences, but that was shortly after we broke up. If I had a family member die today, he wouldn't even know about it or send me a card.

 

The point I'm making is that she didn't come to the wake and show interest/support in your father's passing because she has any intentions of getting back together. She only did so because, due to the breakup being recent, she still has familiarity with you, and the timing is still in a grey area. Her comment about catching up at some time is an offhand comment I would not at all take seriously. We all say that same phrase all the time with no urgency attached. I certainly wouldn't interpret it as her wanting a second chance.

 

My condolences regarding your father's passing. I think your time might be better spent working your way through the grieving process than by worrying about your ex. If she wants to get back together, she will let you know. It's not necessary for you to worry about it and initiated a meet up. Let her do that if she wants to.

 

Thanks for the feedback and do agree I am in not the right mindset right now to really be thinking about it one way or the other.

 

I have made it clear since the BU the whole friends thing isn't an option for me. She has tried to keep contact with me through text and social media. After I fell for the breadcrumb the first time, I ignored all the other things she has tried to do to keep my attention. I think the reason I am giving myself false hope is due to the fact the few people I have told about the things she has done isn't the norm in terms of post-breakup behavior.

 

And as you mentioned in your situation, you received a note from your S/O. I have gotten a few separate texts and she showed up at the wake. If the roles were reversed I would have sent her a text sending my condolences, but I probably wouldn't have gone as far as attending the wake. Not because I don't care about her, more so because it could send the wrong message to her at a vulnerable time and would want to give her space to grieve without me being a possible distraction. But it shows she made an extra effort which could mean something or not at all. But again, in your example, he had visited your grandmother. She never met my dad (or my mom) and was balling her eyes out as she approached me in the line.

 

I had all of these strong feelings yesterday and then today I saw her again at work and my reaction was more of a "meh" who cares type of feeling. It went even as far as reminding me about the things that made me happy about no longer dating her. So I know for a fact I am not in the right place to even be thinking about her. I need to focus on the more important loss in my life.

 

But like I said, her actions have been odd since the BU so it's lead me to maybe think she is still interested but again I am most likely wrong.

 

And you mentioned that if she wanted me back she would come to me. While I agree with that premise, that isn't always the case. A lot of people tend to try and test the waters or find ways other ways to see if a reconciliation is possible. Not saying this is the case here, but based on her interactions post-BU and her personality type, it wouldn't shock me if she was too nervous or shy to come right out and say it.

Edited February 2, 2017 by msportsfan25

[SevenCity]

Thanks for the feedback and do agree I am in not the right mindset right now to really be thinking about it one way or the other.

 

I have made it clear since the BU the whole friends thing isn't an option for me. She has tried to keep contact with me through text and social media. After I fell for the breadcrumb the first time, I ignored all the other things she has tried to do to keep my attention. I think the reason I am giving myself false hope is due to the fact the few people I have told about the things she has done isn't the norm in terms of post-breakup behavior.

 

And as you mentioned in your situation, you received a note from your S/O. I have gotten a few separate texts and she showed up at the wake. If the roles were reversed I would have sent her a text sending my condolences, but I probably wouldn't have gone as far as attending the wake. Not because I don't care about her, more so because it could send the wrong message to her at a vulnerable time and would want to give her space to grieve without me being a possible distraction. But it shows she made an extra effort which could mean something or not at all. But again, in your example, he had visited your grandmother. She never met my dad (or my mom) and was balling her eyes out as she approached me in the line.

 

I had all of these strong feelings yesterday and then today I saw her again at work and my reaction was more of a "meh" who cares type of feeling. It went even as far as reminding me about the things that made me happy about no longer dating her. So I know for a fact I am not in the right place to even be thinking about her. I need to focus on the more important loss in my life.

 

But like I said, her actions have been odd since the BU so it's lead me to maybe think she is still interested but again I am most likely wrong.

 

And you mentioned that if she wanted me back she would come to me. While I agree with that premise, that isn't always the case. A lot of people tend to try and test the waters or find ways other ways to see if a reconciliation is possible. Not saying this is the case here, but based on her interactions post-BU and her personality type, it wouldn't shock me if she was too nervous or shy to come right out and say it.

 

Although LS says that a dumper has to rent a sky writing plane spelling out their mistake in the clouds, it rarely happens that way.

 

Like you said they test the waters cautiously.

 

We are all guessing on her intentions. The only way to know for sure is invite her over and see if she wants to have sex.

[BC1980]

But like I said, her actions have been odd since the BU so it's lead me to maybe think she is still interested but again I am most likely wrong.

 

And you mentioned that if she wanted me back she would come to me. While I agree with that premise, that isn't always the case. A lot of people tend to try and test the waters or find ways other ways to see if a reconciliation is possible. Not saying this is the case here, but based on her interactions post-BU and her personality type, it wouldn't shock me if she was too nervous or shy to come right out and say it.

 

I think her behavior is just a reflection of something a lot of people stumble through when they break up. It's difficult to go from a relationship to nothing overnight. It's not uncommon to have some awkward attempts to remain in touch and starts/stops of NC. The fact that you work with her makes it difficult to have a clean break. If she wants to rekindle the relationship, she will let you know. Shyness won't be a problem because she already knows you.

[amaysngrace]

I am sorry for your loss. xo

 

I wouldn't give her too much more thought if I were you. She broke up with you when you were at a low point and could have really used her support.

 

She doesn't sound like a very nice person but maybe I'm wrong....did she reach out to you while you were broken up to see how you were doing and did she ask about your dad?

 

If not she's no good. Showing up late to the party and now messing you about makes it doubly so.

 

Find someone better. It shouldn't be too difficult.

[msportsfan25]

I am sorry for your loss. xo

 

I wouldn't give her too much more thought if I were you. She broke up with you when you were at a low point and could have really used her support.

 

She doesn't sound like a very nice person but maybe I'm wrong....did she reach out to you while you were broken up to see how you were doing and did she ask about your dad?

 

If not she's no good. Showing up late to the party and now messing you about makes it doubly so.

 

Find someone better. It shouldn't be too difficult.

 

She did do the check-in text about a week or two after she ended things. But then it was too early in terms of knowing how my dad was doing as he was just beginning treatment. She did ask, but like I said it was too early to know anything at that point.

 

But outside of that she never asked about him and instead did the breadcrumb text a month or two later. And at work I could tell she was uncomfortable having to pass me in the halls. But I just tried to make things at least cordial and said hello but nothing much else.

 

I think my mind is just so frazzled I'm letting something get to me that really shouldn't.

 

But you are right, I could have used her support through all of this and not just the past few weeks. My true friends were there to support me through it all with my dad as well as my breakup with her.

[amaysngrace]

I'm glad your friends were there for you at least. I think your feeling of "meh" about her sounds about right.

 

If she wants you in her life make her work for it. She owes you that much.

 

Just because you had the funeral doesn't mean things are all better. This year is going to be a really hard time too. Make sure she is worth being in your life because you really don't need the additional BS right now.

 

Be good to you.

[msportsfan25]

I

 

Just because you had the funeral doesn't mean things are all better. This year is going to be a really hard time too. Make sure she is worth being in your life because you really don't need the additional BS right now.

 

Be good to you.

 

Absolutely right, things aren't going to be all better over night. And I think it has caused me to overthink things, which is to be expected at this vulernable time.

 

But overall your posts are spot on. She has shown her true colors since ending things and if she is truly interested in me then I'll let her work for it but will make sure to tread lightly because chances are, it could create more pain for me in the long run.

[msportsfan25]

Well to update she texted me saying "let me know if and when you wanna catch up over a drink or two"

 

So I guess I can't take my time to decide if we should meet up if she's texting me to remind me she wants to catch up?

[Ronni_W]

So I guess I can't take my time to decide if we should meet up if she's texting me to remind me she wants to catch up?

I'm not sure why you're guessing that.

 

If you want to leave it open - and stay in control of it - text back something like, "Will do -- it'll probably be a few months -- thanks for understanding."

[msportsfan25]

I'm not sure why you're guessing that.

 

If you want to leave it open - and stay in control of it - text back something like, "Will do -- it'll probably be a few months -- thanks for understanding."

 

Well she said take time for yourself and to start the healing process around this time last week but now she is sending me texts reminding me about our meetup.

[Ronni_W]

Well she said take time for yourself and to start the healing process around this time last week but now she is sending me texts reminding me about our meetup.

That's because she doesn't understand - or has no clue - what you need.

Text back something like I suggested. YOU need to express what you need. If she ignores that, then you know that you're dealing with a basically selfish/inconsiderate person. But. FIRST, you need to express what you need.

[mightycpa]

I've posted a few times on this forum about my ex who I work in the same office with (different departments and don't work directly together day-to-day) and have gone NC outside of saying hello at work. Back in October she broke up with me a week after I found out my dad had cancer.

 

Here is the only time I made contact with her outside of work (the breadcrumb section of the thread is the part you should read. the second post.) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608851-after-four-months-still-feeling-unsure-my-progress#post7186253

 

Fast forward to the present and my dad passed away last week. Obviously I am devastated and trying to start the moving on/healing process.

 

2 weeks ago I was at the hospital all week and somehow my ex found out (we do have a few mutual office friends) and reached out.

 

She wrote "I don't want to overstep and you don't have to respond. Just want you to know I am here, thinking of you, if you need anything."

 

I responded "You're not overstepping at all. I appreciate the message and thoughts. Hope you're doing well.

 

She responded "Thanks (name). I'm so sorry about everythign you are going through. I'm here for you and sending love and healthy thoughts. Let me know what you need - even if its just someone to hang with a comedy movie or something."

 

I didn't respond to that due to being at the hospital and not really sure what to say.

 

Then a few days later word got out my dad passed and she simply wrote "I'm so sorry <3"

 

Then she showed up at the wake last week and was crying (she never met my dad). She said she had been thinking about me alot recently and very sorry for my loss. I tried to calm her down a bit and told her I was doing alright and I'll be okay. And tried to lighten things up by telling her to look at the collages that have pics of me as a baby/kid for a laugh.

 

Then the day after the funeral I sent her a message just thanking her for showing up to the wake and that I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing for her to do.

 

She responded "No need to thank me, There's no way I'd miss it. Like I've said before, and truly mean it, I'm always here for you. When you come back and if you're ready we should catch up. (She then responded to a joke I made in my message won't put it here). Looking forward to seeing you again soon, on happier occasions."

 

I did respond saying we should catch up at some point once I am back, which probably was a mistake. But when we originally split up she mentioned about talking soon and I always said "yeah at some point down the road."

 

My question is, should I catch up with her once I am ready and back at work? I am thinking I should just let her make the effort to actually go through with this catch up. Part of me still misses her and I don't want to be "friends" or friendzoned by her.

 

Obviously I am at a vulnerable position right now so I figured I would write here to see how I should move forward with this. I don't think she is trying to play with my emotions but again I could be wrong and am too involved in this to see it.

 

Thank you in advance for any feedback/advice.

No. She was being compassionate to someone she cared about. This was caring, not romance. Pay no mind to it.

 

Sorry for your loss.

Edited February 4, 2017 by mightycpa

[msportsfan25]

That's because she doesn't understand - or has no clue - what you need.

Text back something like I suggested. YOU need to express what you need. If she ignores that, then you know that you're dealing with a basically selfish/inconsiderate person. But. FIRST, you need to express what you need.

 

Again, I think this is showing some of what you're saying. Shouldn't be too difficult to understand when someone loses a parent they need some time to themselves (even if you yourself haven't dealt with it). But again I'm reading too much into it. I was guessing I wouldn't hear from her for at least another week or two.

 

I will just say it will probably be a couple of weeks. I'm in no mindset to deal with her and to be honest this isn't the distraction I need at the moment.

 

And part of me doesn't want to meet up with her if she is just wanting to be friends. I'm not going to settle just like how she didn't want to settle being in a relationship with me.

[Ronni_W]

I was guessing I wouldn't hear from her for at least another week or two.

It makes no sense - because it is futile - to ever try to guess or assume what someone else is going to do (or say, or think). Do yourself a favour for the rest of your life, and don't do that again.

And part of me doesn't want to meet up with her if she is just wanting to be friends.

Then why don't you just put the both of yourselves out of your individual miseries and just text back what you really want and need? -- "I don't want to meet at all unless it's to discuss getting back together."

 

If you don't want to just be honest and direct, then text back something like I suggested a couple of posts ago.

[msportsfan25]

It makes no sense - because it is futile - to ever try to guess or assume what someone else is going to do (or say, or think). Do yourself a favour for the rest of your life, and don't do that again.

 

You are right, I sort of misspoke. I was reflecting more on what I would have done if I was in her shoes in this situation. But again, you are right, I shouldn't be thinking that way because everyone is different.

 

I've been direct before when she sent me a breadcrumb text and she basically played it off (she sent me a photo of us and after i responded she sent me a heart emoji). I basically bluntly asked her if there is something she wanted to tell me. And she played it off saying she was just going through some old photos on her phone (at 1030-11 on a saturday night) and this was in December.

 

So I'm not sure if being blunt will get me at least an honest answer one way or the other from her.

[Ronni_W]

I basically bluntly asked her if there is something she wanted to tell me. And she played it off saying she was just going through some old photos on her phone

Again, that's only your guess/assumption that she didn't tell you the truth.

You were not honest and direct with what you actually wanted to know.

(I cannot tell if her 'heart emoji' was appropriate or coy, because you didn't say how you responded to the pic she sent you.)

[msportsfan25]

I just responded by saying haha we always knew how to take a good picture. It was a goofy photo we took one night. I tried to be indifferent but also a little light with my response since it was odd she was sending me a pic or even messaging me at all.

She did text me a week or two after the BU and I ended it saying I'll continue to give you your space. I've not once tried to reach out to her and it's not always been easy especially with my dad's health deteriorating. But that's what she asked of me. She has also tried sending me photos through IG and sent me some snaps but I never responded or even opened the snaps. I even went as far as unfollowing her on social sites. Sorry I'm rambling but trying to give you my side on the past times she's been reaching out to me.

[msportsfan25]

Again, that's only your guess/assumption that she didn't tell you the truth.

You were not honest and direct with what you actually wanted to know.

(I cannot tell if her 'heart emoji' was appropriate or coy, because you didn't say how you responded to the pic she sent you.)

 

I thought I was pretty direct and honest. She sent me a pic of us on a Saturday night. I basically said get to the point of this outreach and she gave me a non-answer. Why send an ex a pic of you two randomly on a Saturday night?

[Ronni_W]

Why send an ex a pic of you two randomly on a Saturday night?

THAT'S exactly what you should have responded with at the time!

 

In fact. You can do that with her most-recent text:

"Why do you keep reminding me to get in touch with you about meeting up? Are you interested in discussing getting back together?"

 

That'll actually be much better. She will have to give you a clear 'no' or 'yes'. And, if she doesn't, then just block her completely from all sites and devices so that there's no way for her to keep bothering you.

[msportsfan25]

THAT'S exactly what you should have responded with at the time!

 

In fact. You can do that with her most-recent text:

"Why do you keep reminding me to get in touch with you about meeting up? Are you interested in discussing getting back together?"

 

That'll actually be much better. She will have to give you a clear 'no' or 'yes'. And, if she doesn't, then just block her completely from all sites and devices so that there's no way for her to keep bothering you.

 

 

I sort of took that approach this morning when she followed up with a couple of more texts. I said I wasn't sure if/when the right time is just yet. What would help is if you told me what your intentions were for this meet up.

 

She said she thinks I'm a really great, amazing guy and would like to remain friends.

 

I responded saying "I appreciate you coming to the wake and offering support but I have been clear on the whole let's be friends thing. It's not because I am upset at you or how things ended between us, but because it doesn't work when there wasn't a strong friendship before the dating happened. I know from past experience. You asked me to give you space and when someone tells me that I have to take them at their word on that. Again, I do appreciate you trying to help me during this tough time and I do care about you even though you might think differently. If down the road you want to try again and the time is right feel free to reach out. I wish you nothing but the best."

 

She ended it saying "Ok that makes sense. I understand. Thank you for the nice note."

 

I think I handled it as well as I could. And more importantly I got her intentions.

 

To be honest, if she had said the opposite I still don't think I would be interested in rekindling things (at least right now). That is why I mentioned at the end sometime down the road might be better (not that I am expecting that to happen). She left me at a really low point of my life and throughout it all she hasn't really proven she can be someone I could rely on as a friend or even a possible gf.

 

I need to now focus on more important things that I should have been dealing with all along. appreciate the feedback.

[amaysngrace]

I think I handled it as well as I could.

 

I think so too. Good job!

[Ronni_W]

You did great, msportsfan25!

 

I do agree that you have more important grieving/healing work to do than focus any more of your Energy and attention on this now-done relationship.

Possibly check with the funeral home if there is a bereavement group or counselor?

 

Sending angels of Strength and Comfort.

[JuneL]

 

I responded saying "I appreciate you coming to the wake and offering support but I have been clear on the whole let's be friends thing. It's not because I am upset at you or how things ended between us, but because it doesn't work when there wasn't a strong friendship before the dating happened. I know from past experience. You asked me to give you space and when someone tells me that I have to take them at their word on that. Again, I do appreciate you trying to help me during this tough time and I do care about you even though you might think differently. If down the road you want to try again and the time is right feel free to reach out. I wish you nothing but the best."

 

 

That was an excellent response. I especially like how you pointed out that she was the one who asked for space, but didn't seem to respect others wish for space.