Joining the 'wife cheated' group

[Jersey born raised]

Your wife has put herself in a situation where there is every reason not to believe her. The nature of her job even works against her ontop of the fact she refused to come clean up front instead kept lying. Yet there is a shred of hope, but there is not enough to let it go.

 

The timeline she wrote, your idea or her's? Very important: how much was revealed that you didn't know?

 

I get the 80K concern. If you divorce forty of it is yours. If you live where I suspect you live that is a huge amount of money. I lived in that area perhaps 6 years ago. 160,000 bought you a cape cod, four bedroom with a huge add on along the entire back, brick, close to 120X120 lot, backed up against a nice park, 20 minutes from downtown with no traffic.

 

For now put aside the adultery issue. Instead plan a divorce and child care options. Accept (in your mind) that this is what will happen. Some basic questions, fault or no fault, asset division, etc

 

There are a number of good web sites that provide info, even most states. Just entire your state and divorce laws.

 

Finally read up on "not just friends". It will explain a lot to you.

[bubbaganoosh]

Yes, bluntly, she has been all over my penis. Twice a day sometimes. That area of the dept has been really good since. She also notes I get angry and goes into a bad state on the days I don't have sex.

 

See this above?^^^^^^^^. That should tell you that she has the idea that the way to a mans heart is through his penis. Now she already ad sex with the guy when you were apart the first time and now it's happening again but this time it's another guy in another situation.

 

So let me ask you how many times does she have to screw another guy for you to wake up, smell the roses and get it through your head that she can't be trusted?

 

Make matters worse you having sex with her so she already has the upper hand on you. If you were smart, you should have told her to remove herself from the house.............alone, and ended it.

 

There comes a point in your life when you have to finally say to yourself and her..............enough. Maybe that's what you should. I would let the other guys wife know ASAP. I would let your loser brother in law know about the conversation your wife and sister had and let her family know too.

 

Honestly if you keep letting this go on, she's going to have you believe that it was all your fault and your going to believe her so wise up and point to the door.

[Marc878]

I think most of the posters are spot on. OP has gotten a side he's apparently not thought out. Thats why he's here.

 

It's a confusing hurtful situation and he's in a bit of shock like most.

 

A hope and a prayer aren't going to fix this.

[Friskyone4u]

Taterhouse,

 

You said it yourself. She has the perfect set up to cheat. Can work late and nothing you can do.

 

Understand this. After NO CONTACT ( which seems impossible in your situation since you do not want to endure financial hardship), the next step all the literature says is one of them has to leave the job. So you strike out twice there.

 

Your wife is a proven liar and there is only one way you are going to know if she has or is still in an affair with him. AND THAT IS WITH A POLYGRAPH TEST. read that again.

 

A few others have alluded to that and I will expoand on it

(1) you do not give a **** what her reactions is. If you are thatr scared of her reaction then accept that you may be in an open marriage and accept it.

(2) her reaction will tell you a lot. She has lied multiple times. If she is now telling the truth ( do not bet your 401K on it) , she should be loving the opportunity to prove it to you. If she resembles Casper the Ghost when you demand it ( yes demand), then there is more you do not know. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

(3) ignore all the chirping you will get here on the reliability of polygraph tests. Nothing is 100% but your odds of the truth are greatly improved versus relying on your wifes word. Take that to the bank.

(4) schedule the test, and go through with it no matter what she admits beforehand. Many times they will give you some more information hoping you will then cancel the test.

(5) be prepared on what you course of action is going to be if she passes, or if she fails. If she is banging him and is still at it, are you going to stay married.????

 

Next, your wifes sister is toxic to your marriage. She is cheating on her husband, and is an enabler for your wife, and basically an advisor on helping your wife keep you in the dark. So now you wife gets to keep her job, her toxic enabling partner, and you just suck it up?? Where are the consequences here for what she has done?????

 

And lastly, you are being manipulated into playing ostrich and rugsweeping bby letting your brain below your waist do the thinking. The sex you are having, all of it, isd called hysterical bonding, and will do nothing to stop the affair if it is still going on.

 

I would wait to tell the other spouse until you get the reaction on the polygraph test. If she takes it and passes , then you have a major decision to make. But you are not there yet.

 

DEMAND THE POLYGRAPH TEST. You are going to remain in limbo if you refuse to do that since she is still working with OM and you have no way to be there. You also might want to consider a VAR in her car and a GPS on the car.

 

You have tools at your disposal. Don't be one of those men who can't get out of denial and stay unable to take any action.

[road]

Divorce is the only option.

Why?

Because the OP and his WW will not do the required steps to

end the affair and prevent future affairs. Not enough time to go

into the facts now.

[Chaparral]

Your sister implied that they stay after work to be together. Of course it wasn't really staying at work was it? Have you checked credit card accts? What is she telling her sister now? Google how to recover Facebook chats, you used to be able to recover them.

 

Whether you can wait that long or not for her to get her stock, the affair cannot be broken while they still have contact.

 

Check with a local police dept to see who they use for polygraphs.

 

His wife needs to know. Tell her and ask her to see if she can get any evidence. Store she confronts him.

 

It's impossible to motivate all the damage she has done. You simply have to do what's necessary or this will just be another false reconciliation.

[eric1]

Here are some tough truths for you

 

1. If you want to end the affair then you need to expose it to her boyfriends wife. DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS.

2.If you want the affair to end then they cannot work together. You'll have to make a decision if 80k is worth more than your marriage. As to her career, this is a consequence of what she did. She clearly doesn't value her career or she would not have risked (and lost) it. If she plays her cards right she can leave and start another job somewhere else. It will not be the same job, but that's on her.

3. You need to stop making excuses. If your marriage is worth it to you you'll make these few hard decisions easy.

[crushinit]

I have been cheated on and recently put to a test myself but luckily I was able to see clearly and distance myself from the person.

 

I have to say I do not agree with many of the above posters. I am not as judgmental nor do I have the angry and hostile feel towards a person for making these bad choices. I have had friends who cheated and I understand both sides very clearly (but that doesn't mean I agree with it).

 

I think many are missing the point here. The affair, while terrible and selfish, is not the issue. The issue is the WHY. Before everyone jumps all over me, understand, I am saying this only because I believe they need to go to counseling and figure this out IF they want to make it work. Does it really matter if she slept with him or not? The point is she wanted to. After my husband cheated I tried to understand why. Sure you can all paint it with an abstract brush and lump every cheater together, say they are selfish, once a cheater always a cheater blah blah blah but there is so much more to it.

 

While my husband absolutely made the very selfish decision to cheat, I had to take responsibility for my part in him wanting to. I am in no way blaming myself but there are sometimes deep rooted issues within a person. Again, I am not giving a cheater a pass nor am I trying to place blame elsewhere. I am saying she needs therapy to figure it out. There is something missing and she used the affair to fulfill it. If she does not figure this out and get help I can promise you it will happen again. What many do not understand is the affair is a symptom. Cheaters use the FEELING an affair gives them, the fantasy, to fulfill something. It is like a drug, an addiction they find themselves so engrossed in they cannot stop. Yeah, yeah I know they are making these decision and no one has a gun to their head but it does become like an addiction. The high they receive from the feelings is just like the high of a drug or alcohol.

I have studied this extensively. I cannot tell you the hours I have read up on this subject as well as long discussions with our therapist.

 

I am not giving a pass, making excuses or saying in any way, shape or form that a cheater does not have a choice. I am saying that choice becomes clouded and very difficult to walk away from once the addiction to it sets in. This is why they chance the destruction of everything for it.

 

All of you telling him to get a polygraph and tell the OM's wife are not focusing on the important matter. Look, you need to figure out what is going on and if she is still seeing the guy and communicating. Instead of giving a polygraph (stupid idea), put a keylogger on the home computer. Anyone can use incognito and FB now has a secret chat on messenger you can use on any device and it will not show up on messenger on FB. If someone wants to communicate with someone secretly there are many ways to do it.

 

To the OP, no one knows your situation, no one knows what your needs and wants are for this marriage to work. Only you do. My friends all told me to leave my husband. I hated him for a while and was very hurt and angry but I chose to stay and get help. I believe in till death do us part and for better or worse. We all sin, we all make mistakes. No one is perfect.

 

Years later, he is a very good and loving husband. We are happy and doing well and had a year of therapy that did wonders for opening up communication. I didn't ask him details nor did I need to know how many women. it didn't matter and wasn't what was important. Too many get caught up in this. She isn't telling you because she doesn't want to hurt you and is mostlikely afraid of losing you.

I am not being naive here. She very well could be involved still but I tend to doubt it. She knows her job, her marriage are on the line.

It is your business to decide what is best for YOU. I have known people who had affairs (read on ending an affair board when obsessively reading up on affairs( after catching H) and had to still work with ex ap. They were able to do so and put as much distance as possible between them. it can be done but she will need therapy and support to be able to do it.

 

I find many of the posters are angry and hostile. I will never tell someone who has a cheating spouse to leave and that it is not repairable. I have lived it and seen they can change if they want to with help and support. Yes there are some who will not. You wont know that till further down the road.

 

My point is, do what you feel is best but keep her accountable. Have good communication and please go to therapy!

P.S. Not sure of the twin sister as influence.

P.P.S Do not tell her you snooped!

[lolablue17]

I have been cheated on and recently put to a test myself but luckily I was able to see clearly and distance myself from the person.

 

I have to say I do not agree with many of the above posters. I am not as judgmental nor do I have the angry and hostile feel towards a person for making these bad choices. I have had friends who cheated and I understand both sides very clearly (but that doesn't mean I agree with it).

 

I think many are missing the point here. The affair, while terrible and selfish, is not the issue. The issue is the WHY. Before everyone jumps all over me, understand, I am saying this only because I believe they need to go to counseling and figure this out IF they want to make it work. Does it really matter if she slept with him or not? The point is she wanted to. After my husband cheated I tried to understand why. Sure you can all paint it with an abstract brush and lump every cheater together, say they are selfish, once a cheater always a cheater blah blah blah but there is so much more to it.

 

While my husband absolutely made the very selfish decision to cheat, I had to take responsibility for my part in him wanting to. I am in no way blaming myself but there are sometimes deep rooted issues within a person. Again, I am not giving a cheater a pass nor am I trying to place blame elsewhere. I am saying she needs therapy to figure it out. There is something missing and she used the affair to fulfill it. If she does not figure this out and get help I can promise you it will happen again. What many do not understand is the affair is a symptom. Cheaters use the FEELING an affair gives them, the fantasy, to fulfill something. It is like a drug, an addiction they find themselves so engrossed in they cannot stop. Yeah, yeah I know they are making these decision and no one has a gun to their head but it does become like an addiction. The high they receive from the feelings is just like the high of a drug or alcohol.

I have studied this extensively. I cannot tell you the hours I have read up on this subject as well as long discussions with our therapist.

 

I am not giving a pass, making excuses or saying in any way, shape or form that a cheater does not have a choice. I am saying that choice becomes clouded and very difficult to walk away from once the addiction to it sets in. This is why they chance the destruction of everything for it.

 

All of you telling him to get a polygraph and tell the OM's wife are not focusing on the important matter. Look, you need to figure out what is going on and if she is still seeing the guy and communicating. Instead of giving a polygraph (stupid idea), put a keylogger on the home computer. Anyone can use incognito and FB now has a secret chat on messenger you can use on any device and it will not show up on messenger on FB. If someone wants to communicate with someone secretly there are many ways to do it.

 

To the OP, no one knows your situation, no one knows what your needs and wants are for this marriage to work. Only you do. My friends all told me to leave my husband. I hated him for a while and was very hurt and angry but I chose to stay and get help. I believe in till death do us part and for better or worse. We all sin, we all make mistakes. No one is perfect.

 

Years later, he is a very good and loving husband. We are happy and doing well and had a year of therapy that did wonders for opening up communication. I didn't ask him details nor did I need to know how many women. it didn't matter and wasn't what was important. Too many get caught up in this. She isn't telling you because she doesn't want to hurt you and is mostlikely afraid of losing you.

I am not being naive here. She very well could be involved still but I tend to doubt it. She knows her job, her marriage are on the line.

It is your business to decide what is best for YOU. I have known people who had affairs (read on ending an affair board when obsessively reading up on affairs( after catching H) and had to still work with ex ap. They were able to do so and put as much distance as possible between them. it can be done but she will need therapy and support to be able to do it.

 

I find many of the posters are angry and hostile. I will never tell someone who has a cheating spouse to leave and that it is not repairable. I have lived it and seen they can change if they want to with help and support. Yes there are some who will not. You wont know that till further down the road.

 

My point is, do what you feel is best but keep her accountable. Have good communication and please go to therapy!

P.S. Not sure of the twin sister as influence.

P.P.S Do not tell her you snooped!

 

I agree with you almost everything! Good points!

 

Let me ask you something and please try to be honest and accurate:

 

1. When you had your Dday and confronted your H, did he look into your eyes and lied to you with cold stone face?

2. Did you get the trickle truth?

[BluesPower]

crushinit...

 

Very sound and well thought out post. But as both a BS and a WS I just could not disagree more.

 

Their are always problems in a marriage, always, but you did not decide to cheat, now did you?

 

I think you are trying to look at the reasons for the cheating, but that comes at a later date than OP is at right not. He does not realize it now what but he does not actually know what he is dealing with.

 

People like me get criticized sometimes because we tell it like it is. For example, when they had a short separation she went out and slept with the first guy or several guys she could find. OP believe that it was "Not really cheating". However, odds are that she was having an affair with that guy and it did not work out when she was close to being free.

 

I may not have happened like that, could have just be a ONS, just saying that the odds are against that.

 

In OP's case, she is not acting right. He needs a poly to find out the depth of her multiple affairs. And yes I am officially saying multiple affairs.

 

He has to know what he is working with and he has to know the truth to understand if he really wants to save the marriage or not.

 

She has lied several times, just like every WS does when they get caught and the are not ready to divorce. They all want to eat cake...

[Mr. Lucky]

My point is, do what you feel is best but keep her accountable. Have good communication and please go to therapy!

 

So many contradictions in your post I'm not going to address them one-by-one. But let's look at the definition of accountable:

 

"required or expected to justify actions or decisions; responsible"

 

Describing a cheater as helpless in the face of the emotional high provided by the affair is the opposite of accountability. And it leaves the BS with this unanswerable question - what happens next time?

 

Glad it worked for you. It wouldn't for me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Taterhouse]

Wait.....let me get this straight...

 

After being busted, she invited him to go camping? And OM, knowing that you know, wanted to go?

 

Do I have this correct?

No. There was a period of two weeks where she called it off, told him no more, and deleted snap chat. During that time is when I brought up the camping trip. She said she was just trying to get back to normalcy and how it used to be. I told her she was crazy if she truly believed that and all she was doing was leaving the door wide open to happen again. She also said she didn't want to raise anything suspicius. I told her there was a billion different ways she could have handled it and not have been suspicious. She could have told me she contacted them and they both declined and never actually did....

[Taterhouse]

Look, I get it. There are some very alarming flags in my story that I don't have the full truth. I get that. I also get that I'm being a spineless worm and seem to be more focused on money than justice. I'mean obviously on here because I still distrust the story myself. I think it could be the full story, but I don't know yet.

 

I have been listening and I have already started taking some action. I told her yesterday I'm thinking about asking for a polygraph. Got an immediate absolutely never. She went on to say she doesn't trust it and isn't letting our marriage choice be solely based off one test. I basically got up and walked and said goodbye to my son. She called me back 5 mins later and said she would do it, but she doesn't trust it. We both have a criminal justice background and shes taken one before. She gets veery nervous. I told her she seems to trust it on the crime shows we watch and if the CIA trusts it, so do i. She has agreed, but I can't say I liked her initial response.

 

She has no contact with her sister other than what's required. She's met that condition weeks ago.

 

She wants to quit her job. It's me that's stopping her. I wouldn't live with myself if I had her quit, than divorced her next week. There is a promotional transfer she might be able to take immediately that'll put her In a different building. Much longer commute though. She also might be out of town for many weeks at a time. No contact with the offender though.

 

Obviously I have financial concerns holding me back. I guess I need to sort out where my priorities lie. I guess I'm still questioning if i should be even fighting for this or if I should just accept this f'ed up marriage and move on.

 

I also find it surprisingly no one has expressed concern for our safety if i tell the offenders wife and he shows up at my doorstep with an ar15. Is this just an excuse I'm making for not being a spineless worm and taking action? I feel like I've been pushed around a lot in my life and I need to start standing up for myself. Im in good shape, I lift heavy, i guess I'm not ugly, I make a good salary but I always find myself backing down from confrontation. My wife always claims to view me as a manly man. But does she really? Idk. Being the youngest of 4 brothers never helped how I turned out to be.

 

As far as knowing any couples that just kiss and hold hands. Man, that struck hard to home. I know they were sexting and crap, but you're right. If i was a married man, a couple sexting incidents over 1.5 months probably wouldnt be enough for me.

 

The thong thing, she claims she just wanted to feel sexy. She just got out of baby mode. Do I believe she hoped he would be able to take sneek peeks at it while at work? Absolutely. Does that mean it went further? Not necessarily.

 

Trying to work up some good poly questions. Not as easy as I thought. Thanks for listening everyone.

[BTDT2012]

I am going with the group that says she had sex with him. Has she scheduled IC for herself? Is she seriously looking for another job? Insist that she get tested for STD's. Better safe than sorry. And schedule a meeting with an attorney. It's always best to know your options.

[Midlifecrisis1]

As a married other woman, who had an affair with a married man, the first few weeks were a lot of kissing and body rubbing. By the 4 th week, so much sex. At 1.5 months, could go either way depending on how much alone time they had. If meeting up in a car to fool around, maybe no sex. If going to a hotel, well. ..

[BuddyX]

You tipped your hand early on the paly test. That being said, Remember when you said it (time and date). Check if she went on "how to beat the test" sites in the browser history (pc, laptops, phone, etc).

 

If she cleared the history, then you have your answer.

[Taterhouse]

As a married other woman, who had an affair with a married man, the first few weeks were a lot of kissing and body rubbing. By the 4 th week, so much sex. At 1.5 months, could go either way depending on how much alone time they had. If meeting up in a car to fool around, maybe no sex. If going to a hotel, well. ..

 

She claimed only went on work lunch dates. Thats where he tried to hold her hand and he kissed her. Oct to dec, when it happened, is the busiest time of amazon. They go from 3k to 10k employees. So I woukd definitely say they're crazy busy, yea.

[BluesPower]

You tipped your hand early on the paly test. That being said, Remember when you said it (time and date). Check if she went on "how to beat the test" sites in the browser history (pc, laptops, phone, etc).

 

If she cleared the history, then you have your answer.

 

Tater, I want you to know that none of us are trying to give a hard time. We have all been there at different times and believe me we know what you are going through.

 

We also, for the most part, know what we are talking about. So what buddy was saying about beating the poly, you need to pay attentions to.

 

Also, by now, based on her reaction, you know what you need to know. She has a lot to hide and we know that she slept with him. What you have to find out is how many affairs and how long.

 

So let me tell you what will happen between now and the test.

 

1) FIRST AND FORMOST, DO NOT TELL HER WHEN THE TEST IS SCHEDULED IN ANY WAY. YOU HAVE TO SPING IT ON HER THE MORNING OF THE TEST. THE HOUR BEFORE IF POSSIBLE. ARE YOU HEARING ME BECAUSE I AM SHOUTING OVER THE INTERNET IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!

 

If she says that she has an important meeting that she cannot miss. You tell her she goes now or you file for divorce that day. He decision will tell you what to do.

 

2) Between now and the test, she will try to sex you, bully you, cajole you into not going through with it. She may try to confess something like " OK he fingered me and made me cum", or "OK, I gave him a blow job".

 

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. ARE YOU HEARING ME, I AM STILL SCREAMING OVER THE INTERNET!!!!!

 

3) It could get really bad before the test, but you have to be strong.

 

4) She will confess to something more serious in the waiting room or the parking lot. Do not let this sway you. YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG.

 

5) She will at some point contact the other man about what is fixing to happen. Be watching and ready for that.

 

OK, so we go that out of the way.

 

So, Tater, yes, you are being a spineless worm. I am not trying to be hard on you but you are. Youngest of 4 brother, you got the crap beat out of you all the time, I get that. But you have to overcome this yesterday.

 

You are a non-confrontational personality. This is something that you have to change in YOUR life for YOU and you need to do it ASAP.

 

You cannot go on living like this man. You have to BE A MAN. I am not saying for you to be violent, no, I am saying that you have to start standing up for yourself.

 

I am not saying for you to go down and beat the OM up, but tell his wife, absolutely and positively. Keep your pistol handy if he comes over, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Starting now.

 

Lets start working on the poly questions. BTW, the poly company will rework the questions so that they work with the polygraph so you don't have to worry about that. Do not show the questions to your wife at all.

 

Guys lets help Tater get a list of questions together, I will start.

 

1) During the course of your marriage, how many affairs with men or women have you had.

 

2) If above is not 1 then - How many time have you had sex with any man or woman besides your husband?

 

3) How long has the most recent affair be going?

 

4) When did it start?

 

5) When did it end?

 

6) Have you contacted the "OM Name" since your husband found out about your affair?

 

7) How many times did you have sex with "OM Name"?

 

8) Do you romantically love your husband?

 

9) During your first separation, had you already had an affair with "Previous OM Name" before the separation was in effect?

 

10) Do you respect your husband?

 

Those are just some basic questions to get started with. Again the poly company will fix them so that they are appropriate for the exam.

 

Listen Tater, you are going to need therapy about the non-confrontational issues that you have, but for now you have got to stand up for yourself and your marriage. Even if it scares you to death.

 

Please keep posting and let us know any questions that you have...

[lolablue17]

Trying to work up some good poly questions. Not as easy as I thought.

 

Go talk to an expert. Usualy the company who does that can advice you with the questions. Don't you dare to compose the questions only by yourself. It demands some expertise.

 

For example, you should ask only 2-3 question, more than that might be unreliable. And the fact that she knows the questions in advance doesn't damage the reliability of the result... So you have to be very accurate with the questions. like others said - you might get some interesting confessions 1-2 days before the test.

 

By the way - If you go to a proven experts, who know their job, there is almost no chance of mistakes. The only very very small chance of bungling is if they say "we didn't get inconclusive result".

[Chaparral]

Start going to the shooting range as part of your fitness routine. Since they work together they're still talking. If he does come around which I seriously doubt, dial 911 and keep your weapon handy. Do not answer the door till the cops get there. Do not hesitate to protect yourself.

 

Tell his wife.

 

I have never seen a reconciliation where the cheating couple continued to work together.

 

You actually have no idea when and where the may have met up. People go to work early. They stay late. They go to lunch together eating and working aren't really what they are doing. Also they both may take a sick day or just take a day off together but pretend they went to work. Very common. Where there is a will there is a way. Was she wearing her things for you? Did you check to see if there was new underwear you had never seen? Toys?

[Marc878]

This type of thing is shocking. You and no one else is prepared to deal with this.

 

Cheaters lie a lot. Your reaction is normal. Most don't want to believe because to not is inconceivable. Hence, the denial.

 

The thing is you thought she'd never do anything like this either right?

 

Most here can see right through these things and most of the time they are correct.

 

They are messing with your family and future.

 

I wouldn't be afraid of the OM. Once his wife finds out he'll have enough to worry about.

 

Lack of exposure leaves the door open to it firing back up. You wouldn't be the first this happened to.

 

I went up against a cop once. He tried to get out of the way but couldn't. I went

Right down to the police station and picked him out. Your strength is key.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi tater,

 

You heard, that is all that counts. You heard, the descion is yours your's. If the VA did what it should do, they would have an outreach programs for vets like MOM that you could give a heads up to. But realistically your best bet is to follow gun safety rules and keep your gun close if you feel that hearten.

 

You do need to step back and examine your marriage. When your wife brings up quiting tell her not now, I doubt want you unemployed if we divorce.

 

MC is a must but find one that is fimilar with the books "his needs her needs" "5 love languages" "divorce busters" to name a few. Ask what there strengths and weakness are. Then the big question: issues are issues, adultery is adultery" true or false followed by start first by addressing the adultery; true or false. Any answer to both other then true move on.

 

I have a thought about your suggestion about her "type" but could you address the above first please.

[Friskyone4u]

Look, I get it. There are some very alarming flags in my story that I don't have the full truth. I get that. I also get that I'm being a spineless worm and seem to be more focused on money than justice. I'mean obviously on here because I still distrust the story myself. I think it could be the full story, but I don't know yet.

 

I have been listening and I have already started taking some action. I told her yesterday I'm thinking about asking for a polygraph. Got an immediate absolutely never. She went on to say she doesn't trust it and isn't letting our marriage choice be solely based off one test. I basically got up and walked and said goodbye to my son. She called me back 5 mins later and said she would do it, but she doesn't trust it. We both have a criminal justice background and shes taken one before. She gets veery nervous. I told her she seems to trust it on the crime shows we watch and if the CIA trusts it, so do i. She has agreed, but I can't say I liked her initial response.

 

She has no contact with her sister other than what's required. She's met that condition weeks ago.

 

She wants to quit her job. It's me that's stopping her. I wouldn't live with myself if I had her quit, than divorced her next week. There is a promotional transfer she might be able to take immediately that'll put her In a different building. Much longer commute though. She also might be out of town for many weeks at a time. No contact with the offender though.

 

Obviously I have financial concerns holding me back. I guess I need to sort out where my priorities lie. I guess I'm still questioning if i should be even fighting for this or if I should just accept this f'ed up marriage and move on.

 

I also find it surprisingly no one has expressed concern for our safety if i tell the offenders wife and he shows up at my doorstep with an ar15. Is this just an excuse I'm making for not being a spineless worm and taking action? I feel like I've been pushed around a lot in my life and I need to start standing up for myself. Im in good shape, I lift heavy, i guess I'm not ugly, I make a good salary but I always find myself backing down from confrontation. My wife always claims to view me as a manly man. But does she really? Idk. Being the youngest of 4 brothers never helped how I turned out to be.

 

As far as knowing any couples that just kiss and hold hands. Man, that struck hard to home. I know they were sexting and crap, but you're right. If i was a married man, a couple sexting incidents over 1.5 months probably wouldnt be enough for me.

 

The thong thing, she claims she just wanted to feel sexy. She just got out of baby mode. Do I believe she hoped he would be able to take sneek peeks at it while at work? Absolutely. Does that mean it went further? Not necessarily.

 

Trying to work up some good poly questions. Not as easy as I thought. Thanks for listening everyone.

 

Tater,

 

No one, at least not me is calling you spineless or weak. What you are being told is that unless you make decisions on the truth, they are risky decisions. You want to play Russian roulette.

 

if you are familiar with polygraphs, you know that many of the most security of government agencies require them for employment and other things, and many of the largest corporations in the Us use them at the recommendation of very high priced consulting firms that evaluate the results. your wife would not be in this position if she was not a constant liar and that is called a consequence.

 

She is giving you the typical reactions of someone who has something to hide.

(1) you never said you would divorce her if she failed, did you?? You just asked her to take the test. her initial reaction was excuses and blabber until you walked out. That is NOT a good sign.

(2) you never said if she fasiled that she could take another one from a different examiner.

 

So as far as the polygraph test is concerned, you either TRUST her words or you do not. What most are telling you is that the polygraph is more reliable than her words right now, and the geniuses that are calling that stupid have nothing but their own opinion and no facts to back that up. They are not only calling those that recommend it stupid but they are calling some very credentialed agencies and corporations stupid also. You make the call on that one.

 

No relationship can be repaired without the truth or you are just kicking the can down the road. And any MC will not take money from someone actively still cheating if the have any conscience, and you do not have the answer to that one.

 

As far as her job is concerned, again immediately is not the time to quit IF you do the polygraph. if she fails that and is still in the affair, then your financial decision gets much harder if you want to stay.

 

No one is rushing you to divorce, but are rushing you not to rugsweep.

 

if you read a book called "Not Just Friends", which is a very well read book on infidelity written by a woman, you will read the following

 

(1) affairs where the woman is the cheater are harder to reconcile because women are generally more emotionally checked out before the sex starts. These affairs have a lower reconciliation rate

(2) NO CONTACT IS A MUST, AS IS NOT WORKING TOGETHER. You have relented on these two. That is why a [polygraph is being recommended.

(3) most women are more devastated if their WH tells his OW that he loves her. That is worse to most women than the sex. IT IS JUST THE OPPOSITE FOR MEN.

 

And as far as questions. You are normally allowed four or somewhere in that area.

(1) have you had sex with any other men except OM and your husband since you have been married.

(2) do you have any electronic accounts ( a mail, apps, etc0 that husband is not aware of or does not have passwords for

(3) are you in contact with any men on any apps that your husband is not aware of

(4) have you been alone out of work with OM since d Day.

 

the examiner can refine the questions.

 

based on your wifes reaction, do not be surprised if you get some further admission. if you book the test, then DO IT no matter what else dhe does or does not tell you.

 

You alternative is to believe what she tells you. How has that worked out????

[Darren Steez]

I have guns, and have been trained to use them myself, so I'm not defensiveless in the situation either. Being proteced w/ a house, and having the right to shoot b/c he's on our property would put the law behind me to do whatever I need to do.

 

I don't get it. So your wife can't quit her job but if OM comes to your house you will shoot him thus ending your freedom, sending you to jail or worse?

 

A lot of bravado. Pretty meaningless but hey..

[Lady2163]

I wouldn't stake your marriage on a polygraph. They are unreliable and can be thrown off kilter by strange things. There's a proven science to reading body language, more specifically eye movement when someone is lying while answering questions. However, if the person has an abnormalities in their occipital lobe or any optical hiccups, they can throw the proven science out of whack. I have an eye that wanders, when I look at someone straight on, it will slide off to the side.

 

You should both get started in counseling. Individual and marriage. Counselors will do a much better job than strangers on the Internet.

 

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. I spent most of my 30s and part of my 40s working my butt off to pay for the mistakes of my 20s. Having your wife unemployed or taking a pay cut is NOT going to make your marriage or the life of your child BETTER if you choose to divorce.

 

And since it is in your best interest and the interest of your child, don't be quick to out Doug to his wife. Don't do anything that could damage your future/your wife's future and your child's future.

 

She has the option of working in a different location and away from him. It may mean more travel, but that is a healthy consequence rather than eliminating her salary and benefits.

 

Again - counseling is where you need to start.