After 12yrs she ended it I am the MM, filled with regret

[drichiards]

I post here cause I am in a world of pain which I only have myself to blame. I was in a relationship as the MM, with my partner for 12 years. This was more like a normal relationship that a secret affair, I spent 60% of my time with her doing all things a committed couple would do. I am still married, she did not give me an ultimatum. Right before the Holidays she dropped the bomb.

 

So its been 1.5 months since then and we have communicated and it was a clam parting but we have such a connection. We went with no contact through the holidays for about 2 weeks, When I reached out she was very excited. We meet up and talked and she insisted that we would not be getting back together but the evening was nice she was pushing for a platonic friends relationship, which I am working towards even though I have desires to move towards a future.

 

Fast forward to last week when on a lark I found her on match.com and well destroyed me. I get it yes I know she is single and she dumped me. Anyway I brought it to her attention and asked her how it was going and she joked it off. I told her I needed to see her one last time to get some remainder of things cause I couldn't stand front row and watch her move on. Well she went nuts, when I got to her place she was real nice crying and asked me to cuddle and watch TV (one of the things I miss most). She asked me what I wanted and if I really wanted never to see her again and I couldn't do it. She has texted me lil breadcrumb texts since then until this Thursday.

 

Is she playing games?

Do I owe it to her to try the friendship even though I get destroyed everytime I see and leave her.

Should I go no contact?

 

I want her back and to work towards a life together.

[whichwayisup]

You've given her breadcrumbs since you are married seems not planning on divorcing. This (single) woman wants a husband, a family of her own and so far you've not committed to her, only in an affair setting.

 

If you want her, divorce your wife. Otherwise, let her go. Go no contact because it's not fair to either of you to stay friends. All that does is prevent both of you from letting go and ridding of the feelings and it will be an emotional affair.

 

Decide what it is you want, divorce or fix your marriage. To continue to cheat on your wife and continue a friendship/affair with the OW is not fair to either woman.

[drichiards]

whichway I apprciate your response and my martial status is just that, she left me for a year and only returned for financial reasons. I posted on this side in hopes to gain the perspective of some OW who understand this non conventional relationship and how to go about healing and potentially getting her back. She is the love of my life and I am willing to move forth with a tiimed plan so that we can be together. I understand that I must be 100% prepared to act on it if she does entertain getting back. The connection was unreal and I truly believe we were meant for each other and the circumstance of life has gotten in the way. Please understand she is the one pushing for friendship, why I questions? and I think even though it hurts me I kinda owe it to her since the time she invested and didnt once push for a divorce.

[drypuddle]

whichway i apprciate your response and my martial status is just that, she left me for a year and only returned for financial reasons. I posted on this side in hopes to gain the perspective of some ow who understand this non conventional relationship and how to go about healing and potentially getting her back. She is the love of my life and i am willing to move forth with a tiimed plan so that we can be together. I understand that i must be 100% prepared to act on it if she does entertain getting back. The connection was unreal and i truly believe we were meant for each other and the circumstance of life has gotten in the way. Please understand she is the one pushing for friendship, why i questions? And i think even though it hurts me i kinda owe it to her since the time she invested and didnt once push for a divorce.

 

life is not a circumstance!

[drypuddle]

So let me see if I have this right ...

 

Your wife left you for a year, and supposedly during this year apart, you didn't make any moves to be with [her] permanently, but now that she's taken away the goods, you've seen the light! You want her all to yourself! Hallelujah!

 

Divorce or fix your marriage. Leave [her] until you're free and clear of the marriage.

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
berating language ~6

[JuneL]

whichway I apprciate your response and my martial status is just that, she left me for a year and only returned for financial reasons. I posted on this side in hopes to gain the perspective of some OW who understand this non conventional relationship and how to go about healing and potentially getting her back. She is the love of my life and I am willing to move forth with a tiimed plan so that we can be together. I understand that I must be 100% prepared to act on it if she does entertain getting back. The connection was unreal and I truly believe we were meant for each other and the circumstance of life has gotten in the way. Please understand she is the one pushing for friendship, why I questions? and I think even though it hurts me I kinda owe it to her since the time she invested and didnt once push for a divorce.

 

Maybe now that she's older and wiser, she thinks having someone who respects and loves her is much more important than money. And please don't tell us you respect and love her. 12 years is a long long time. If you still have some love and respect left for her, you should be happy that she's pursuing her own happiness finally, albeit a little late. If you are hurt that she's signed up for online dating, you should remind yourself how much hurt she had to endure when you had a wife during those 12 painful years.

[drichiards]

So what everyone is saying after the judgement which I expected. That I should not respect her wishes and just disappear, she is the one who wants me still in her life. I did not give her breadcrumbs I loved her and gave her everything. She is the one who is continuing contact perhaps to give me a soft landing, I dont know?

Edited January 29, 2017 by drichiards

[MissG]

I have to ask: after 12 years, there has not been one D day? How could you keep it from your wife for such a long time? I'm really curious. Other than that, if you want a life with her and if she's the love of your life, why have you not taken the necessary steps to change your life accordingly? What kept you from doing so? She's not in the drivers seat you know......And now you're saying that you're planning a life together and you're working on it - how exactly are you actually working towards that goal? I understand that this is what you want in your heart, but why so late? Is it because she's now dating?

[JuneL]

So what everyone is saying after the judgement which I expected. That I should not respect her wishes and just disappear, she is the one who wants me still in her life. I did not give her breadcrumbs I loved her and gave her everything. She is the one who is continuing contact perhaps to give me a soft landing, I dont know?

 

I don't think we told you not to be a platonic friend with you. Indeed, if it's fine with you seeing her with her future boyfriend, then why not.

 

You mentioned that your wife stayed with you for financial reasons. Why are you staying in your marriage?

[Midwestmissy]

Free your wife. Why in gods name are you married? Get a divorce and stop belly aching about losing the love of your life. Your wife might have an opinion on keeping this marriage alive. Her voice counts too.

[drichiards]

My wife has no desire to make this a marriage and we are merely roomates, As far as not moving forward, I guess I didnt what many might and took the easiest path, she wasn't pushing so I didnt. No D-day because since she returned it has beeen a dont ask type of arrangement. She I guess that no I fear I may have lost her that I need her. Old but true saying you dont know what you have until its gone. What I dont understand is her desire to remain friends, as many OW would have put it she escaped from this situation why continue so I can be a safety net? Plan B?

[BluesPower]

She has given you 12 years. Man, let her go already.

 

No judgment from me, I have been on both sides.

 

But her is the deal, either you want to divorce, no matter how much money it will cost or your don't. That is your answer.

 

If you don't have the balls to divorce, then let her go. If you do, then do it and start to live an authentic life.

 

She deserves that on way or another. Don't you think?

[Noideanow]

A woman Dont push you she wants you to want her, the moment you turn your back to her she knows she has to look for someone else, she is Alone with her unhappiness and all she can do is look for another man. Probably the same goes for a man if roles reversed

[drichiards]

ok so how to I proceed properly to express my desires to get her back and give her the option to truly move forward or move on.

[GoldenR]

My wife has no desire to make this a marriage and we are merely roomates

 

 

Then get divorced!!! Seems pretty simple to me.

[Noideanow]

Sign the papers now, tell her you told your wife, you have not a doubt in your mind what you feel and want, you regret wasting so much time, but will make it Right from now on, show her in actions if she doesnt believe you, But make sure you wont return to old ways before you do anything,

[TheWoman]

Poor girl, 12 years [] and now she is on match.com, her self esteem must be in the toilet.

 

I do feel judgmental towards you. That is entirely in appropriate behaviour. Have some moral fortitude and commit yourself in one direction or the other.

 

For the life of me I do not know why you would choose your wife who supposedly only returned for financial reasons. Are there children, other reasons?

 

Friendship is not an option. This is life destroying stuff, way past friends.

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
berating language ~6

[MissG]

My assumption is that after 12 years your girlfriend is also very emotionally invested. Hence, the friendship offer. She doesn't want to be stuck forever, and she has not seen any movement from you towards a divorce, so she has to date. She wants to find a boyfriend for herself. However, since she has been with you for 12 years – and that's a really long time – she can't just cut it Off like that. It's gonna be hard on her too......So that's why she's offering a friendship. Because going cold turkey with no contact right away would be too painful for her as well. 12 years is a long time

[waterwoman]

Get divorced then. Having an affair for 12 years - not surprised your wife let you, or your girlfriend. Take responsiblity and make an effing choice!

[Chica80]

She wants to stay friends because she loves you and wants you in her life. She didn't push or ask for a divorce because she wanted you to make that decision on your own without her influence.

 

To stand up and say what you finally want.

 

If you love her then make real plans with time lines to be with her.

[drichiards]

Thank you all for the commits and thank you MissG. I would like to hear more options on level of contact etc that might make sense. If this was a regular situation the advise would be more forthright I take it. But I want to make it right and do whats best for her, for me and for both of us. Please do remember the heart wants what it wants.

[BluesPower]

This is what is sounds like...

 

You want us to give you help in keeping her [your affair partner]. Buddy that is not going to happen.

 

Why can't you divorce your wife if you love this girl so much????

 

Because you don't. Listen I have been there and I have really hurt some women, and let me tell you that when you conscience actually pokes its head out you will start to feel like S***.

 

Listen if you love her, and I mean really love her, divorce or let her go.

 

It is the kindest thing you can do. It may feel like an ego boost when you can string a woman along because she loves you. But man, it is not right.

 

Let me tell you what is so much better. Being with a woman that loves you. I mean she really loves you. And when you are free to love her it just feels like heaven.

 

Think about that...Please.

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
berating language ~6

[drichiards]

Blues: I get you man and thats what I wish to do I dont want to string her along I want to get to that place of free love. This woman was the best and I never had love like this nor do I think I will again. I dont want to get her back [] but I want to build a future. As far as signing papers well what would be the point right now if she has no desire to accept this. My wife is fine with the situation as is. Am I making sense. And the one thing please all remember I did not hold her prisoner for 12 years. Part of this worked for her as well since she enjoys alone time as well.

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
berating language ~6

[sandylee1]

I don't understand what's stopping you from divorcing your wife.

 

It could well be that your OW, has reached a place of realisation, that you've no intention of making her your only woman.

 

That could have made her detach from you enough to be able to handle a friendship with you, as she seeks a relationship with an available man.

 

I guess you think she should have been satisfied with 60% of your time.

 

Why a woman would waste 12 years of her life being a mistress really beats me.

[BluesPower]

Listen you are a beginner at this even though you have been having an affair for 12 years.

 

As far as her not being a prisoner. Yes, I used to feel that way too. You see when certain women love, they love hard and deep, men too for that matter.

 

Listen, I was a real jerk at one time. I would let women fall for me and use them until I was ready to move on. I'm not proud of it in any way. I was just a horrible person at that point in my life.

 

Finally I woke up and I don't even date the ones that might fall too hard or get hurt. You don't want to be that type of person.

 

Listen, this girl want to BE WITH YOU FULL TIME. She wants to meet your kids and live with you full time. She want to meet your family and friends. She wants a real relationship, she does not want to be your mistress.

 

I know that you understand that.