Author drichiards Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 BLUES but she dumped my ass and I tolf her I was ready to make those changes and she wanted NO PART. Some say if I push now she may be burden that she was the one who caused the divorce. I need to get her back to loving me with out pushing her further away. I know what I have to do and I love deep and hard as well that is why I hurt so much. It wasnt about the sex or filling a void it was the real deal!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 I am just going to guess. You have never divorced your wife solely because of financial reasons. Right or wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) I dont want to get her back [] but I want to build a future. Can you clarify exactly what kind of future you have in mind? As far as signing [divorce] papers well what would be the point right now if [ex-OW] has no desire to accept this [relationship {I guess? ed.}] The point of divorcing would be to end a marriage that is just an empty roommate relationship AND be free to offer a durable, 1:1 r/s with the ex-OW which she will find more acceptable AND enable yourself to align your actions with your values. My wife is fine with the situation as is.Can you clarify how you know that your wife is fully apprised of the current situation and thinks it's fine? Also, come to think of it, why you fall back on your WIFE'S feelings when you attempt to justify continuation of the marriage? Should it not be your feelings and goals for your life that are primary? Do you take your wife's feelings in all areas as your primary guide? Please give examples. Am I making sense.Not yet. Please answer the questions above. Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauracake Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 BLUES but she dumped my ass and I tolf her I was ready to make those changes and she wanted NO PART. Some say if I push now she may be burden that she was the one who caused the divorce. I need to get her back to loving me with out pushing her further away. I know what I have to do and I love deep and hard as well that is why I hurt so much. It wasnt about the sex or filling a void it was the real deal!!!! Your post makes me so sad...... that poor women and for 12 years! From my perspective as a former OW I completely get what she has done. Self preservation is key here for here survival. I loved my xmm like nothing I've ever felt before, we were absolute magic and not just in the bedroom but the one thing I would never ever do was ask him to leave his wife......ever. I would never put myself on the line like that, if he wanted to leave his marriage he would and just like you he didn't. We had a d-day and he said he was relieved that we could be together now but I said no! I actually said no to who I thought was my one, my soulmate the love of my life and why???? Simply because it was never his choice. So you see how can she believe you love her if your actions don't match your words. You would rather stay in a marriage for financial reasons than put yourself on the line for her. I think if you had truly loved her you would have got a divorce and proved yourself to her. In all honesty she had no options left. Your actions are what she needs to see and nothing less. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 As far as signing papers well what would be the point right now if she has no desire to accept this. To get you out of an unsatisfying marriage with someone you see only as a roommate. Not sure which is more manipulative - stringing the OW along for 12 years or keeping the wife as Plan B in case the "love of your life" moves on. Let's call it a tie. Fast forward to last week when on a lark I found her on match.com and well destroyed me. So the OW is on match.com looking to move on. And you're on there because...??? Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 You do not want to jump out of your marriage in case your OW decides to keep walking away from you, and so you will then have lost both women. It is really too late to express your desires to this woman, she is done with talking, she will need action from you if she indeed really wants this to continue. She has told you she doesn't want any "action" from you so you have just got to believe her here. She is done. She gave no ultimatum but has still left you, you have to accept she is most likely done. She will not be the first woman to walk away from a man after 12 years. Even an OW has a limit to what she will tolerate. There does sometimes seem to be an assumption that affair "love" lasts forever, that the OW remains besotted and that it is only circumstances that ultimately split people up. However an affair is just a relationship after all, and a relationship tends to have a beginning, a middle, and an end, so why would an affair be any different? She has ended it here, she has told you she wants no part of any changes you would want to make to keep her, so I don't think you can assume she wants you back. I think you have to come to terms with the fact it is over, she is moving on and you need to do that too. Being friends with an ex is almost impossible if you still have feelings for them. Do not put yourself in that position is my advice. She will grow to resent and get annoyed with your continued attempts to get her back and it will be pure hell for you too. Best to cut off all contact. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 To get you out of an unsatisfying marriage with someone you see only as a roommate. Not sure which is more manipulative - stringing the OW along for 12 years or keeping the wife as Plan B in case the "love of your life" moves on. Let's call it a tie. So the OW is on match.com looking to move on. And you're on there because...??? Mr. Lucky Insightful post! OP, you want to be sure she will take you back if you go ahead with the divorce. There is no such guarantee in life, even if you sign a contract with her. So assuming she's firm about not taking you back: 1. why would you want to stay married to your roommate wife? 2. Do you plan to keep finding other women on the side while staying married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author drichiards Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 Elaine and others thank you. I thank you Elaine cause you seem to understand that this chance meeting tight or wrong did evolve into a regular relationship. In regards to the not being friends part well I kinda feel that I owe it to her to respect her wishes. I know it will be painful and I know it will reduce our chances of getting back together. I am not a big fan of the whole no-contact thing but many a woman have insisted that If I did that she would come back. I respect her strength just wish we had better communication towards the end game. All I say to anyone out there man or woman is if you love someone but avoid conflict please communicate before you let it build and fester. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drichiards Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 I have no desire to have any other woman on the side. And as far as the repeat question why not just leave. Well finance yes, comfort of kids yes, wife is ok with current arraingment, Im miserable but rather not upset 3 additional peoples world just so I can try to be happy should she not want me back. SOMEONE must get that?? In regards to match a friend told me. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 You already have your answer OP....you did nothing for 12 years except cake-eat and enjoy the best of both worlds...and now that your xOW has moved on you are saddened and suddenly she's the best thing that ever happened to you. What to do, what to do... leave her be!! You still have no intention of divorcing your poor W. Unfortunately you follow in the footsteps of many MM before you where the decision is made by others if you wait long enough. xOW left you out of heartbreak and frustration. Do not try to be her 'friend'. It's too late for that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Elaine and others thank you. I thank you Elaine cause you seem to understand that this chance meeting tight or wrong did evolve into a regular relationship. In regards to the not being friends part well I kinda feel that I owe it to her to respect her wishes. I know it will be painful and I know it will reduce our chances of getting back together. I am not a big fan of the whole no-contact thing but many a woman have insisted that If I did that she would come back. I respect her strength just wish we had better communication towards the end game. All I say to anyone out there man or woman is if you love someone but avoid conflict please communicate before you let it build and fester. YOU say you feel you "owe it to her" to remain friends, but that is not entirely true is it? YOU do not want to let her go, YOU think that being "friends" with her will end up with you in the same place as you have always been, ie you spend 60% of your time with her. BUT if I am guessing right and she IS done and she genuinely wants to remain "friends" with you, then before you know it she will be telling you all about her dates and asking your advice about the men she is seeing and crying on your shoulder about some or other guy, as that is what "best friends" are for... Do not go there. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 op, In my honest opinion, I think you have way more invested in this relationship that your ow does. Reading between the lines I don't think she cares as much as you think, and she's trying to placate you and let you down easy with an offer of friendship. If you were always honest with hr, and told her you weren't getting a D, she likely never have you all of her heart, She left a door closed to protect herself. As time went by, that door opened wider and wider, and now, she's not emotionally invested in you. She's moving on to find a new man in her life. If you love her like you say you do, let her go. Love doesn't always mean you have to be together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EZNona Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 As far as signing papers well what would be the point right now if she has no desire to accept this. My wife is fine with the situation as is. Am I making sense. This right here is why she left and won't take you seriously. You're all talk, but no action. She knows you won't leave and got tired of waiting around for you to decide to pick her. Breaking up with you hasn't even pushed you to into action, so why should you expect anything less than what has transpired? She wants to keep you as a friend because that makes moving on a little bit easier for herself while in the back of her mind and in her heart, she still longs for you to take care of the divorce and pick her. But you won't...and she would be smart not to believe you will until you can prove it to her with no uncertainty. So it's easier and better for her to try dating and move on from you. Not going completely NC with you makes the transition not so emotionally hard for her. She stuck around 12 years for you and it's pretty shameful and selfish that you never once made any attempt to either cut her out of your life so she can have a real and full relationship with someone else; or finally man up and divorce your wife and commit 100% to the OW. You and your wife don't seem to care one bit about each other, so what is the point of it all this affair drama?? All you had to do was make a decision instead of string the OW along for all these years. Did you think she would want to continue like this for another 12 years?? She finally got a clue and took her life into her own hands and made a decision. I think it would benefit you to do the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Hold on, let's go back a little here. And make sure you say the following aloud "I'm a married man on March.com". Make sure you repeat that. Because That speaks volume of your character. But let me break it down for you. You hate being alone. As stated above, you're worried that if you divorce (gasp) you'll end up with paying $$, spending time with your kids, and no a$$. Odds are, your OW got some good advice from someone who said "Drop this guy and start dating real single men" Best bet. NC and start working on your marriage. For a married man, you sure do spend a lot of energy on [her]. Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator berating language ~6 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 OP Can I just ask, in all these years, have you ever thought that she would want to settle down and have children? Be able to freely introduce you, her boyfriend to friends and family? Why do you think she would have been satisfied watching your life go on. You seeing your children grow, while she's a hidden secret? I know you didn't force her to stay in the relationship? But did you stop to think if this was fair to her? A 12 year relationship and she's got sweet f**k all to show for it. No engagement, no marriage, no child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Was your OW ever aware that your wife had left for a year? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 And as far as the repeat question why not just leave. Well finance yes, comfort of kids yes, wife is ok with current arraingment, Im miserable but rather not upset 3 additional peoples world just so I can try to be happy should she not want me back. SOMEONE must get that?? Do you see how far down the rabbit hole you've gone? If you're concerned about upsetting 3 people (I'm assuming wife and kids), you choose a different option than a decade-long extramarital affair. You're so used to deceit that you've included lying to yourself. How delusional is it to think you're sparing loved ones pain by cheating on your marriage.? The fog is strong with this one... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Thank you all for the commits and thank you MissG. I would like to hear more options on level of contact etc that might make sense. If this was a regular situation the advise would be more forthright I take it. But I want to make it right and do whats best for her, for me and for both of us. Please do remember the heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants but you are in control of it. That's no excuse, it's still a choice to nurture feelings and act upon them. The affair is over and the only way to get over one another is to go no contact. No friendship can happen, it's unhealthy and will prevent you both from letting go. Divorce your wife, be alone and on your own. You can have two loving households and co parent with your (ex) wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 How old are your children? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 A friend told you that your mistress was on match.com? So other people know your wife is being made a fool of? When you say your wife is happy with the current arrangement, does that mean she knows you have a mistress and she's okay with it? Have you thought about the kind of marriage your showing your children? One where their parents live as roommates and dad is miserable. They'll grow up thinking that's the norm and have a warped idea of what a healthy relationship is. You're not doing anyone any favours apart from yourself in this situation. If she didn't end it, you'd happily have carried on for another 10 years like this. You don't subject someone you claim to love to that kind of life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Actions speak so much louder than words! Your actions have shown her you are content with staying in your marriage and having her on the side. She also realizes that you are willing to cheat. She wasn't the one cheating. A single woman wants a future with the person she loves. Even many married women want a future with their MM. Did you really think she was okay with staying the OW? Of course she didn't push... all of us OW who did push are on here because OM walk away if they feel pressured. She finally realized you won't leave. If you really want to be with her, you best chase after her like your life counts on it without delay and immediately get divorced. She is done waiting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Your AP has likely decided that she doesn't want to marry you. So just leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
somuchfortheone Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Do you see how far down the rabbit hole you've gone? If you're concerned about upsetting 3 people (I'm assuming wife and kids), you choose a different option than a decade-long extramarital affair. You're so used to deceit that you've included lying to yourself. How delusional is it to think you're sparing loved ones pain by cheating on your marriage.? The fog is strong with this one... Mr. Lucky LOL @ the fog is strong with this one. Love it. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 TBH it sounds like she already is seeing someone. You are just being selfish. You need to list her have a life. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 whichway I apprciate your response and my martial status is just that, she left me for a year and only returned for financial reasons. I posted on this side in hopes to gain the perspective of some OW who understand this non conventional relationship and how to go about healing and potentially getting her back. She is the love of my life and I am willing to move forth with a tiimed plan so that we can be together. I understand that I must be 100% prepared to act on it if she does entertain getting back. The connection was unreal and I truly believe we were meant for each other and the circumstance of life has gotten in the way. Please understand she is the one pushing for friendship, why I questions? and I think even though it hurts me I kinda owe it to her since the time she invested and didnt once push for a divorce. Listen, it's been 12 years...Leave this woman alone. If you were willing to do anything you would have done already. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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