After 12yrs she ended it I am the MM, filled with regret

[AnneP]

This is just sad. Leave your wife. You're screwing your children's lives up.

 

[]

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted discussion of prohibited language ~6

[MJJean]

I concur with the others. You never left your "marriage" and your OW decided she was done waiting, watching life and the chance for a husband of her very own pass her by, so she left.

 

If you file for divorce immediately, you might have a chance to win her back. if you aren't willing to file for divorce immediately, then just let her go and leave her to live her life with a man who will love her enough to make her his wife.

[Lady2163]

I might be the voice the OP is looking for. I was an OW for 7+ years and we've been friends for 2+ years now...almost 3 years. However, we never felt romantic love for each other and we don't profess friendship love. We also don't see each other because both of us are weak. I ended things.

 

If you want the OW back, you need to make grand gestures. That means quietly starting the divorce process and going through it alone. You should move out NOW and get your own place.

 

There's no guarantee she will take you back. I figure I spent less than 2% of my existence with MM. I can't imagine 60%. I have a feeling there are other issues at hand with your OW.

 

She took a chance on you for 12 years. I can't imagine waiting that long. I knew MM was never leaving his wife and that was fine, it was a convenience thing for me.

 

You could very well end up alone. Life is risk. If she invested 12 years of her life, I'm thinking if you come to her without being married, you do have a chance.

 

I don't think you have the self control, though. I think right after your first lawyer appointment you will be on the phone with her, telling her you've started the process. I think you will get her hopes up and drag her through the divorce process and all the details that go along with it because you just aren't strong enough to do it alone and without her support. Even the easiest divorces are messy and stressful.

 

Your attitude of off-putting. You love this woman and didn't know it until she called it quits. You've neglected your wife and kids for 12 years. You don't want to change your life if there's no guarantee she will take you back. You're willing to keep things as they are rather than risk it.

 

Do you know how selfish that is? Do you know how unrealistic it is? Many, many married men start the divorce process, move in with OW, find out things aren't as fabulous or they are going to lose 75% of everything they've worked for and they go back to wife and kids and comfortable life....and leave the OW alone. I don't know that I would have ever taken that risk and lived with that much uncertainty. Separated is not divorced. Hell, in this day and age, divorce does not guarantee anything. I knew a couple that did divorce. Six months after the divorce he moved in with girlfriend (she may have been OW). Nine months after the divorce he moved back in wife ex wife and kids. OW was left in an apartment she couldn't afford.

 

Grand gestures. Move out, get divorce started and well under way....and then I suggest you appear with a really nice, expensive gift that she will appreciate and treasure and tell her how you want to make her happy everyday for the rest of her life.

 

The longer you wait, the chance she will move on. It is still your choice.

[cocorico]

I want her back and to work towards a life together.

 

Then it's simple: divorce your BW, tell your GF you want to be together.

 

I'm fOW, now M to my fMM. We didn't play games. I'm guessing your GF tired of being OW and wanted a FTR. She saw you had no intention of leaving your M, so she cut her losses and ended the A. If you're serious about her, you'll end your vestigial M and woo your GF back. It's up to you to prove yourself.

[Southwardbound]

12 years is a long time. But I'll ask is this a case of timing and relationship ownership?

Sounds like you've been married for a while, got a comfortable setup, some kids, and to rock that boat, even if it's not totally satisfactory means you upset: family relationships, finances, maybe even your social standing? The thought of losing that house you built is scares you. I get it. It's where my MM is at in his head. But here's the thing - stuff & money is always replaceable, if you divorce the wife, there will surely be unhappy moments - after all you've gaslighted her for 12 years. There's no doubt she will want to take you to the cleaners. The kids will rebound after a while of healing. If your a good parent you will have taught them in life that love is love, you will always love them, but maybe you might not always love their actions. If you did teach them that - then the same will apply to you - they will love you, they will not like your actions, but they will heal.

 

As far as your OW goes12 years is a long time, so it sounds like you are living a split life. One life with your wife & kids, and the other with your OW. Have you taken ownership of this? It takes two partners to make and have a relationship - 12 years with one OW certainly signifies that you both made a relationship choice. She accepted your situation and you hers. But was there a timing element within that split life relationship choice that you agreed with her? Did you & her ever discuss leaving your wife at the point when you're kids became independent? If so, maybe it's gotten to that point of time and she is now expecting you to do your part & get a divorce. No action on your part- might be a reason why she's looking elsewhere. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love you - just that you aren't living up to your end of her expectations. If that is the case?

 

Women end up as OW's for many reasons. Timing of getting together with that perfect someone- sometimes is just off. So one party (her) is willing to wait it out for while as it might suit their own circumstances, but when those circumstances change - if actions aren't followed through - then the relationship will end. This is what my MM & I have discussed & where we are at in our lives. Personally, I don't think at this point I could just walk away from my MM and go NC anymore. I did it once long before when our roles were reversed & it wasn't nice for either of us. I'd still want some sort of friendship contact. - That is how I feel now. But, would I feel that after 12 years? I'm not so sure.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then it's simple: divorce your BW, tell your GF you want to be together.

 

The OP is one of those helpless types waiting for circumstances to make his choice for him. He's only back with the BW because the OW dumped him, just as he'd run off with the OW only if the BW kicked him out. The good news is he can complain about how painfully unfair life is either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cocorico]

The OP is one of those helpless types waiting for circumstances to make his choice for him. He's only back with the BW because the OW dumped him, just as he'd run off with the OW only if the BW kicked him out. The good news is he can complain about how painfully unfair life is either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He seems to have disappeared, but the responses might be useful to others browsing the thread who might have similar issues.

[Robert]

A couple things:

 

First, here is a link to our site wide berating language policy:

LoveShack.org Community Forums - Announcements in Forum : LoveShack.org Questions and Comments

 

If members see other members violating these rules or any other community guidelines violations, they can report those posts via the "Alert Us" button on the post.

 

Second, the threadstarter has not been around in over a week so we'll close this thread until they return. They can request it be opened again via that "Alert Us" button.

 

Thank you,

~6