Greatful Heart....Getting Over Affair and staying No contact

[HeartbrokenDec29]

sorry this is going to be a long one! Here is my story and iv learnt from it as much as i can!

 

 

 

I was the Other Woman and it drove me crazy. I watched him go back and forth in my life with his indecisions, Yet i nutured and cared from him while putting myself last. He said so many horrible things about the wife but i never for once believed all and sometimes questioned his own faults.

 

 

The ex married lover took me through a whirlwind of Ups and Downs. He started out with him wanting to get a divorce which i tried to dissuade him in the begining and asked he worked things out with his wife but was adamant, then he had me inform my parents about him to prove that i really wanted to be with him and i love him(till today my parents dont trust my decisions, people who brought me up), i turned my back against the world cos of him by trusting him which he always said, I went through episodes of attempted suicide on many occassions one where i found myself in the hospital, he even blamed me at some point for not givng his family attention..

 

 

 

He made think i was the crazy one and when he did things was unapologetic..

 

 

4 months ago, i was done and ready and asked him not to contact me again after a big fight. i had started listening to the bible and getting bk on track and seeing my life without him and cut off contact with him…

2 months later he comes apologizing and stating he is sorry and he will get his act right and told him we could be friends but im done dating a married man(i should v cut off all contact but i tried to be mature and nice and gave him audience) i begged(emphasis on the begging) him to go work things out with his wife and that i will like to be celibate.

At some point he asked if i will be ok with him dating someone else while we were friends and i told him i will rather he works things out with his wife but if that was wat he wanted to do i cant stop him but eventually one thing led to another and i found myself in the same cycle as we got back together again.

 

 

And then before the end of the 2016 in december came back telling me he was now born again and that he didnt want to go back to his sin pointing fingers at me and that we could be friends wt no sexual contact and i lost it. He claimed he wasnt breaking up with me but common!

 

 

 

He even stated he was going to tell his wife about the affair and that he will tell her he will still like to keep his friendship with me… Please tell me what wife will accept that?!It was so clear he wanted to keep stringing me along. At this point i lost it…It occured to me that if i didnt break this toxic cycle, i will surely commit suicide at some point.

 

 

So i made a choice, so he could finally let me be…I told his wife about the affair and begged for her forgiveness…many people can say it wasnt in my right but look at all the havoc he had caused in my life in his wake and as a result of his indecision and selfishness(he had always said why cant he have the two)…. He stated he was born again but still wanted to keep me in his life and still string me along knowing fully well i was still in love with him..He still wanted to have lunch with him and for us to talk everyday…

 

 

I believed if i told his wife, he will hate me enough not to contact me again and hopefully he doesnt contact me again and also to possibly deter him of the thought of having another affair with someone else if he thought of all the trouble he might face! It was a toxic cycle that seems like it will never end.

 

 

So i made a choice he wasnt ready to deal with! He confessed with his mouth and His wife stated she had forgiven me and that i should get right with God and was realistic to admit that it was her husband who kept coming back even though i took responsibility for letting him stay. She collected my number although i insisted that we couldnt be friends cos i was ashamed.

 

 

I have since blocked his number and hers and hope he could man up enough to work his marriage out and stop looking outwards. IF i wanted to tear their marriage apart i could have given her every gory details including the tots he has of sometimes wanting to kill her or how he has kids with other women she didnt know but i will never do that.

Her forgiveness is enough for me…So my confession was not to tear them apart it was to at least for me, keep him away from me. I hope he has learnt his lessons and at least not contact me again,

 

 

These relationships bring out the most ugly you from depression, lieing on yourself to make him happy to being vengeful especially where the person has been emotionally abusive, taking the fact that you love them for granted because they think u will always be there. Even after i tld his wife i still wanted him to hurt in someways cos i told him constantly to work things out with his wife but its just a wish and i also know i condoned it. His wife doesnt know the details about him wanting to be friends with me and probably fully think i did it to spite him. But i did it to end the shameful cycle and new pedestal he wanted to put me on…. i was tired, angry of the fact that he could still play games with my heart by asking for friendship.

 

 

Im glad i came out with all my truths even though it might look like im a bad person but i know im not and i was leaving knowing i had done the right thing by telling my truth- wen he started and told his wife about the affair and how long and how I got pregnant and had an abortion n complications (This was something I had told him when I wanted to see his reaction about me being pregnant months into our affair and at this point had not told him the truth which was one of the reason I wanted to see him that day, his reaction to the pregnancy then was not in good response and even afterwards at some point even made me send a mail denying i wasnt pregnant cos of him as a condition to be with him). I told him the truth even though i wasnt proud of myself for doing that (lieing about it) and told him to tell his wife as i cud not hate him so much to make him carry that guilt for the rest of his life.

 

 

One thing is for sure I asked God for this and he did it…. The last time i told xMM to let me be, i told God that if i ever find myself back in this mans arms he should do something that will split us apart for Good.. so even tho i didnt break it off, God gave me the strength and courage to step up to my guilt and ask for forgiveness from a woman i had hurt…

 

 

Now somedays i feel horrible and some days i feel good and dont think about him….

 

 

Today was partially okay for me....

 

 

will his wife ever know the truth of why i came to confess- No, he will probably feed her with more lies about me and make it look like it was cos he broke up with me and im the crazy one and she wouldnt know he still wanted me and denied breaking up with me but still wanted to keep me in his life to string me along and come back to me when the heat in his marriage gets tough but God Knows the truth.

 

 

Will he ever contact me again- sometimes i fantasize he might but generally i pray he never does cos it will just set me back and im trusting his pride will not let him. I want to move on to healthier relationships with Single men.

 

 

 

Do i really miss him and still feel in love- Yes ( when im denying the truth of what the realtionship really was and whoi tot he was) and No …it wasnt real. He took advantage of how i felt for him and probably saw me as vulnerable.

 

 

 

Will i ever date a married man again- I will not… Its a crazy making world and its all about him.

 

 

 

 

I have seen this guy validate his bad behaviour manytimes and make decisions based on his mood. Im hoping he is not joking with God by claiming he is born again cos even in my presence while being born again he still lied to his wife that he didnt try to get a divorce when we were together meanwhile that was when he was requesting for all of this and spoke to a lawyer, it just showed me how much i dont envy his wife cos even with God and him being faced with the secret being all out he still lied and i was convinced this was a game. im glad im not stuck with him for the rest of my life and i know this phase will pass.

 

 

Im working on why i even dated him in the first place and the need to do certain things so i cud be validated by him… I spent 2 yrs of my life in this crazy roller coaster.

 

 

 

This just happened 25days ago and i hope the anger of me telling his wife stays and i never hear from him again.

Edited January 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Copied post from other member's thread ~6

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Today marks the 28th day of No contact with the xMM. 4 days ago i accidentally pressed speed dial number which had my xMM number stored in it when i realised i ws calln him i cut the call quickly and removed him from my speed dial list( i believe im still in no contact cos i dont believe the phone rang).

 

I just want to give an update of how i'm progressing and possibly get some support on the forum.

 

Today my mind went on reeling on about how xMM lied to his wife in my presence, stating he was not trying to get a divorce with her while we were together and he wanted it before hm and I met yet claims he is born again! it just makes me more grateful to God that it is over no matter how it ended. It makes me grateful to God that he didnt get the divorce and we didnt end up together while there are so many other things.

 

It makes me grateful to God that i dont have to be with this man all the days of my life cos Even with the presence of God he claims is in his life, he still felt the need to lie to his wife when faced with the truth. I feel a bit of pity for her cos i know the truth of who he is but she doesnt. But i really do pray now for him and pray God changes him.

 

I'm not a perfect person either but im proud that i could speak my truth no matter how bad it made me look while i asked for forgiveness from a woman i had hurt.

 

It hasnt been easy getting over this but everyday im getting stronger. Being in an affair is a dark experience. Many times you are trully depressed than you are happy. constantly trying to validate yourself through his eyes. I try hard not to judge him as a bad person but i know he was not a good person for me. Sometimes i find myself wanting to hate him and going over everything in my head but i try to caution myself and put him in my prayers cos i find that forgiveness is really the only way i can move on(its a struggle though)

 

Everytime i had broken up with him/he had, i felt lighter and i found out Good things always come knocking at my door. I passed my Actuarial exams, this year i have been appointed as an editorial board member for my company's newsletter. Good things in General and it makes me believe everything happens for a reason. God has a purpose for my life.

 

i first went back and forth on whether it was the right thing what i did, but my therapist gave me a new perspective.He said, 'Perhaps going to his home was exactly what you needed in order to move forward and afforded you some closure'

 

What i did was wrong. Dating another woman's husband and letting him whisper lies to my hearing. But im grateful to God he gave me the final strength to cut the ties and burn the bridge anyway i could cos this was one of my new year 2016 prayers to God but it only manifested at the end of the year.

 

Im rediscovering myself even though my heart feels slightly heavy but I know God is working for me and he Loves me more than any man can and that is all i need! i started going to church, started swimming and looking to join a gym this week(God knows i had added so much weight from all the depression)

 

For all of us still feeling stuck, there is light at the end of this tunnel. There is happiness if only you will make up your mind. I believe i will find someone who will love me for me and not out of selfishness.

 

I claim and deserve it and so do you!

Edited January 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Copied original post from other member's thread ~6

[BluesPower]

That is really great...

 

Keep up the good work. And this can just be a good lesson for you.

 

Stay strong and be open to love from a man that can be all your own...

[jennifernyc84]

Great post!!!

[FoundMyStrength]

For all of us still feeling stuck, there is light at the end of this tunnel. There is happiness if only you will make up your mind. I believe i will find someone who will love me for me and not out of selfishness.

 

I claim and deserve it and so do you!

 

Yes, we all deserve more than the leftover space in someone's heart.

[freengreen]

Firstly, thanks for putting it in paragraphs...

 

It is strong of you to let go him, esp when he is a tagger. 28 days and you seem to be healing.. I am so glad and want tips!... 3 months here, only went a yard ahead.

 

Dont go back, its not a place to pour out real feelings.

[BTDT2012]

Stay strong.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Firstly, thanks for putting it in paragraphs...

 

It is strong of you to let go him, esp when he is a tagger. 28 days and you seem to be healing.. I am so glad and want tips!... 3 months here, only went a yard ahead.

 

Dont go back, its not a place to pour out real feelings.

It starts from asking yourself what you really want for yourself and in life......Acknowledging where you went wrong and that a relationship with a married man is wrong no matter how you see it and also not denying how you feel about the whole situation..... Feel free to hate him, love him and miss him but at the end of the day remember it was wrong and he wasnt yours to startwith even if he lied to you

 

For example, even though i blocked xMM ad his wife's number, i had forgotten she was on my whatsapp and she had my number. so she will constantly put up pic and send bc so i will know all is rosy and cool and about how she loves her husband and all.

 

But the thing is, i never wanted them apart in the first place. So im at peace and it doesnt bother me. The intention was to tell her so that he could hate me enough not to talk to me again and really focus on his marriage, so i can be free and break away. And so far its working for me.

 

Another thing is to constantly pray for those who hurt you... Tell God you are hurt and angry but still pray positively for them.... It works! It doesnt mean you dont relapse sometimes and think about the things theydid. It just means you really want to move on and the only way you can is to forgive.

 

Your future wll always be brighter than your past.