Why can't i get a girlfriend?

[John1982]

I am at the end of my rope i really am and i feel pathetic coming on here doing this but i don't know what else to do. I am a 34 year old male and i cannot for the life of me get a girlfriend or seem to get any interest from women whatsoever no matter how hard i try. It makes me feel so low that it has left me feeling suicidal, i feel as if there's something wrong with me and that i am a freak and i think that i would rather be dead than go on like this being lonely and sad for the rest of my life because to be completely honest it crushes me inside it really does. I have been told by lots of women that i am good looking etc so i don't understand why whenever i start talking to a woman etc they just see me as some kind of mutant freak that has escaped from a sideshow. I consider myself a kind and caring person and have been told by lots of people that i am quite a character who has a good personality and makes people laugh. And i like to think i am going somewhere in my life, i am a musician and a music tutor and am signed to two record labels and do acting as an extra as well so it's not like i do not have any ambition. I really don't know what i am doing wrong but it really has got me feeling so down and low all the time, and being this lonely is soul destroying it really is. All of my friends all have girlfriends/boyfriends etc and there's me who feels like a spare part and a reject and it just makes me want to cry as it just makes me feel like i am scum and a loser who no one wants anything to do with. I'm lost and to be quite honest scared at the possibility of spending the rest of my life alone. What do i do?

[Lilyana76]

Just reading your post alone, is self confidence an issue?

 

Do you get clingy or needy when you do have a womans attention?

 

why would you feel like a scum and loser? what makes you think a woman is looking at you like a freak escaped from a sideshow?

[ZA Dater]

A few pointers.

 

 

You need to feel good about yourself because if you don't nobody else will.

You cant really equate your self worth by you ability to date and be attractive, its easy to do this but look around does it really matter if you date or not?

 

 

On a personal note I know how you feel, everyone wants to feel loved and that's really what dating is about.

 

 

Its not a nice place to be but take your mind off it and focus on something else for a while.

[TheWoman]

Im not a therapist, but I've visited enough to know how this conversation would go...

 

Tell me about your family of origin? Mum, dad, family life growing up.

 

The answer to such issues are usually within this realm.

 

It is not your fault. It is not you.

But maybe some repair work needs to be done.

[basil67]

i don't understand why whenever i start talking to a woman etc they just see me as some kind of mutant freak that has escaped from a sideshow.

 

I suspect this is a bit of an exaggeration, but what are women doing which makes you feel like you're a freak? And where are you meeting the women who do this?

 

What does your social life look like? Your jobs would put you in contact with many women....do you have female friends? Mates to hang out with?

[preraph]

Well, just being a musician, you have all the advantages you need to draw women, so I have to assume you have some personality quirk that you are oblivious to that runs them off. You need to ask a few of your friends and acquaintances what it is. I think it has to be something in the way you talk that is alienating women. I mean, it could be a terrible personal hygiene as well, so take care of that if there's any doubt. I think it's going to be some way you talk or act, either defensive or bitter or crude or something that turns them away.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to a good & trusted friend of the opposite sex. Ask that person to give you a candid assessment of your clothes, your mannerisms, your hygiene, your social skills etc. Listen & make changes where appropriate.

 

 

I did this for a buddy of mine a while back. He told me no women were interested in him. He was a handsome, well-groomed, intelligent, all around good guy. We went to a bar & as I expected women were eye humping him from the minute he walked in, yet he swore no one gave him a second glance. He was clueless. I started chatting with one of the women who was ogling him. He joined the conversation but my handsome witty buddy turned into a tongue tied teenager. It was painful to watch / hear. I helped him work on that. Convinced him to talk to other women the calm casual way he talked to me. Viola. He met his wife a few months later.

[Jj66]

Talk to a good & trusted friend of the opposite sex. Ask that person to give you a candid assessment of your clothes, your mannerisms, your hygiene, your social skills etc. Listen & make changes where appropriate.

 

 

I did this for a buddy of mine a while back. He told me no women were interested in him. He was a handsome, well-groomed, intelligent, all around good guy. We went to a bar & as I expected women were eye humping him from the minute he walked in, yet he swore no one gave him a second glance. He was clueless. I started chatting with one of the women who was ogling him. He joined the conversation but my handsome witty buddy turned into a tongue tied teenager. It was painful to watch / hear. I helped him work on that. Convinced him to talk to other women the calm casual way he talked to me. Viola. He met his wife a few months later.

 

That was very nice of you.

 

You have to be able to carry on a conversation to get a woman. Even if you are the best looking specimen in the hemisphere you probably won't be able to get a girlfriend unless you can talk to a woman comfortably and easily.

 

The best way to learn how to talk to women is to talk to women. Stop putting them on a pedestal. They are human beings just like you.

[elaine567]

The best way to learn how to talk to women is to talk to women. Stop putting them on a pedestal. They are human beings just like you.

I agree.

OP

You need to learn how to talk to women. Old women, young women, middle aged women, women you work with, women at the doctors/dentist, women on the bus/train, in the street, women in bars. coffee shops and supermarkets - every chance you get make small talk with a woman.

No pressure or chatting up, just get comfortable with them, learn how to make them laugh, learn how to make them feel good.

Use your acting skills, pretend you are someone else at first until you get better at it. If you can make other people laugh then you can make women laugh too. Just make sure your jokes/quips/witty remarks aren't too crude or misogynistic as that will go down like a lead balloon.

Plenty women will be attracted to a musician, so inject some confidence into yourself.

Relax.

[WaitingForBardot]

/...snip/

The best way to learn how to talk to women is to talk to women. Stop putting them on a pedestal. They are human beings just like you.

I'd modify that just a bit to say the best way to learn how to talk to women is to talk to everyone. I have never been very good at small talk, so many years ago I decided the way to address this was to start making small talk with everyone! {{in my best Gary Oldman voice}}

 

So I started chatting up anyone and everyone, young and old, male and female, anytime I was stuck in close proximity to them; lines at the market, library, waiting for the bus, etc. It wasn't easy at first as I'm pretty introverted, but it got easier as time went on. In addition to helping me learn to make small talk, it taught me how to read people better, how to accept rejection, because sometimes people can be downright rude, and, perhaps most importantly, how to relax when doing it.

[John1982]

Thank you to all of you for your replies, it is much appreciated. Well it's definitely not my hygiene, dress sense that's putting women off as i am a ridiculously clean person and always dress smart and to my knowledge i don't come across as an arsehole so i'm buggered if i know what i'm doing wrong. Although i have been told by a few people that i can look quite scary/aggressive but this could not be further from the truth as i'm just a huge softy. That's just my natural look and unfortunately i guess it can scare some people off. I dunna know, i'm really frustrated i really am, it would be nice to have someone in my life.

[d0nnivain]

. Although i have been told by a few people that i can look quite scary/aggressive but this could not be further from the truth as i'm just a huge softy. .

 

 

How you look to others -- THEIR perception -- is their reality. If you look scary it doesn't matter that you are really a big softy because they aren't going to take the time to find out.

 

 

Can you smile more? Can you do something to take the edge off for others?

 

 

Being more approachable may help with your dilemma

[elaine567]

... i have been told by a few people that i can look quite scary/aggressive but this could not be further from the truth as i'm just a huge softy. That's just my natural look and unfortunately i guess it can scare some people off..

 

You need to alter that.

YOU will never attract women if they are scared of you.

I may humour a guy who I am scared of but at the first opportunity I will excuse myself and leave his presence.

Get a mirror and with the help of a friend, soften your look, remove the aggressive body language and practice smiling and looking more relaxed and friendly.

[Chris2016]

Talk to a good & trusted friend of the opposite sex. Ask that person to give you a candid assessment of your clothes, your mannerisms, your hygiene, your social skills etc. Listen & make changes where appropriate.

 

 

I did this for a buddy of mine a while back. He told me no women were interested in him. He was a handsome, well-groomed, intelligent, all around good guy. We went to a bar & as I expected women were eye humping him from the minute he walked in, yet he swore no one gave him a second glance. He was clueless. I started chatting with one of the women who was ogling him. He joined the conversation but my handsome witty buddy turned into a tongue tied teenager. It was painful to watch / hear. I helped him work on that. Convinced him to talk to other women the calm casual way he talked to me. Viola. He met his wife a few months later.

 

You're nice for doing that.

 

It's easy to talk to women and be witty, when you know nothing's going to happen romantically. But when the thought or potential or possibility is there, that's when I know I get tongued tied.

 

In example, married women I think are easy to socialize with. They seem to be more social/talkative, to me. They know the boundary. I know the boundary. It's nice to socialize with them.

[John1982]

You need to alter that.

YOU will never attract women if they are scared of you.

I may humour a guy who I am scared of but at the first opportunity I will excuse myself and leave his presence.

Get a mirror and with the help of a friend, soften your look, remove the aggressive body language and practice smiling and looking more relaxed and friendly.

I always smile when i'm out and around people and try to be nice to pretty much everyone i meet unless their a complete prick so i don't know what i'm doing wrong

[John1982]

I suspect this is a bit of an exaggeration, but what are women doing which makes you feel like you're a freak? And where are you meeting the women who do this?

 

What does your social life look like? Your jobs would put you in contact with many women....do you have female friends? Mates to hang out with?

 

I dunna know, it's just kind of the impression i get. Most women tend to look at me like i'm a piece of **** and a joke. If i ever try talking to a woman, just being polite and stuff they kind of just stare at me like i am some lunatic or something. And if i ever do approach a woman and flirt with her etc ask her if she wants to meet up sometime go for a drink etc it's always a SORRY I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED. I know that rejection is a part of life but it's every single woman i try my luck with that won't even give me the time of day. At one point i even considered becoming celibate and staying away from women for good as i felt it would ease the pain and would make me happier if i just accepted i am going to be on my own till the day i die and just get on with my life by myself.

[Moves Like Jagger]

You're getting these harsh rejections due to your appearance and/or vibe.

 

Someone on another forum had a similar problem. He was getting really negative reactions on bar. When I saw his picture, he reminded me of Uncle Rico from the movie, Napolean Dynamite. When you go outside, you see a lot of guys with no sense of style at all.

 

There also the issue of vibe. Women judge you on your body language, the way you talk, and the way you move. A lot of guys start stuttering when they get nervous. You can't understand. Other guys have this intense, grumpy look. They never smile or show any emotions. These guys look cold and serious. I know this guy who is bad at dating even though he is tall and athletic. He speaks in a monotone and never shows any emotion.

[Jj66]

You're getting these harsh rejections due to your appearance and/or vibe.

 

Someone on another forum had a similar problem. He was getting really negative reactions on bar. When I saw his picture, he reminded me of Uncle Rico from the movie, Napolean Dynamite. When you go outside, you see a lot of guys with no sense of style at all.

 

There also the issue of vibe. Women judge you on your body language, the way you talk, and the way you move. A lot of guys start stuttering when they get nervous. You can't understand. Other guys have this intense, grumpy look. They never smile or show any emotions. These guys look cold and serious. I know this guy who is bad at dating even though he is tall and athletic. He speaks in a monotone and never shows any emotion.

 

it's almost all about the vibe unless your looks are repulsive.

[ZA Dater]

I dunna know, it's just kind of the impression i get. Most women tend to look at me like i'm a piece of **** and a joke. If i ever try talking to a woman, just being polite and stuff they kind of just stare at me like i am some lunatic or something. And if i ever do approach a woman and flirt with her etc ask her if she wants to meet up sometime go for a drink etc it's always a SORRY I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED. I know that rejection is a part of life but it's every single woman i try my luck with that won't even give me the time of day. At one point i even considered becoming celibate and staying away from women for good as i felt it would ease the pain and would make me happier if i just accepted i am going to be on my own till the day i die and just get on with my life by myself.

 

I can relate to everything you mention about, for years I felt like that and from time to time I still do. I have had them look at me the same way. You are one up on me in that you can approach people, see that as a positive.

 

What helped me is to when confronted with a situation like that is to think of something I am good at, some achievement and use those thoughts to try filter out the "she is looking at me in an odd way". It has helped me not feel so awful so much of the time but it hasn't helped me connect with anyone.

 

Based on the above it seems you cannot connect. You need to try and figure out why. I'd also guess desperation (understandable) is projected. When I asked myself that question I discovered the circumstance I am in is of my own making, horrible yes but it also made me let a lot of things go, I have accepted people aren't going to like me because of my interests and because of my personality. In some ways that's taken the pressure off and taken the sense of desperation away.

 

You need to find the positive things in life hang onto them because it does make the less pleasant aspects of life easier.

 

At the end of the day life is like a walk along a road, there will be times you fall, some people find a walking partner, some simply don't (reality) and some choose to enjoy the scenery around them in some sort of insular utopia. Everyone says "there is someone for everyone" which is nice but simply not true. You play your own odds at this walk of life, you cannot hope to find people without being able to connect and if that means adopting hobbies you don't like, doing sports you don't like them its up to you.

 

Unfortunately so much of modern life has becomes a means to an end. I think you need to go out, don't give a dam what people think, how they perceive you to be and just find some happiness from within.

[anuba]

I have to agree with those who think you are putting a vibe out there that is unsettling to some women.

Maybe you are being too hard on yourself, but sometimes the fact that you want a girlfriend this much is coming through.

 

I know I want to be with a guy who wants me, specifically, not someone who is looking for a relationship so hard that anyone will do.

I'd imagine most women feel the same way and if you just seem to be focused on a relationship and not an individual, this could be a factor that turns them off.

[John1982]

You're getting these harsh rejections due to your appearance and/or vibe.

 

Someone on another forum had a similar problem. He was getting really negative reactions on bar. When I saw his picture, he reminded me of Uncle Rico from the movie, Napolean Dynamite. When you go outside, you see a lot of guys with no sense of style at all.

 

There also the issue of vibe. Women judge you on your body language, the way you talk, and the way you move. A lot of guys start stuttering when they get nervous. You can't understand. Other guys have this intense, grumpy look. They never smile or show any emotions. These guys look cold and serious. I know this guy who is bad at dating even though he is tall and athletic. He speaks in a monotone and never shows any emotion.

 

Haha that's funny, Uncle Rico lol. But without sounding big headed i really don't think looks are my problem as i get told by lots of women that i am very attractive, but i just can not seem to seal the deal. So maybe it must be because of the fact that i look quite intimidating(according to other people) which i cannot help as this is just the way i look

[John1982]

I can relate to everything you mention about, for years I felt like that and from time to time I still do. I have had them look at me the same way. You are one up on me in that you can approach people, see that as a positive.

 

What helped me is to when confronted with a situation like that is to think of something I am good at, some achievement and use those thoughts to try filter out the "she is looking at me in an odd way". It has helped me not feel so awful so much of the time but it hasn't helped me connect with anyone.

 

Based on the above it seems you cannot connect. You need to try and figure out why. I'd also guess desperation (understandable) is projected. When I asked myself that question I discovered the circumstance I am in is of my own making, horrible yes but it also made me let a lot of things go, I have accepted people aren't going to like me because of my interests and because of my personality. In some ways that's taken the pressure off and taken the sense of desperation away.

 

You need to find the positive things in life hang onto them because it does make the less pleasant aspects of life easier.

 

At the end of the day life is like a walk along a road, there will be times you fall, some people find a walking partner, some simply don't (reality) and some choose to enjoy the scenery around them in some sort of insular utopia. Everyone says "there is someone for everyone" which is nice but simply not true. You play your own odds at this walk of life, you cannot hope to find people without being able to connect and if that means adopting hobbies you don't like, doing sports you don't like them its up to you.

 

Unfortunately so much of modern life has becomes a means to an end. I think you need to go out, don't give a dam what people think, how they perceive you to be and just find some happiness from within.

 

Well i have to say that's a very well thought out reply, makes a lot of sense, so thank you.

[John1982]

How you look to others -- THEIR perception -- is their reality. If you look scary it doesn't matter that you are really a big softy because they aren't going to take the time to find out.

 

 

Can you smile more? Can you do something to take the edge off for others?

 

 

Being more approachable may help with your dilemma

 

 

Yeah your right, but i'm already doing all that, smiling etc. Really don't know what else to do. I used to think the problem was(and i'm not talking about all women here) not having a lot of money as i know most(but not all) women like a man with money and unless they have a large wallet then they have no chance with women. And as i said i am not talking about all women as that would just be ignorant typecasting everyone the same

[elaine567]

So maybe it must be because of the fact that i look quite intimidating(according to other people) which i cannot help as this is just the way i look

 

Can you give us an idea of how you look intimidating? Can you post a pic of a lookalike so that we know what we are dealing with?

[anuba]

Can you give us an idea of how you look intimidating? Can you post a pic of a lookalike so that we know what we are dealing with?

An example may help, I'm curious what people find so intimidating.

I really don't see that as a big reason to turn women away, unless he's always leering at them and holding a machete....