i want to stop relying on someone else for my happiness

[grik]

i have had a year long relationship with a woman older than me by 6years and also who has a child.currently long distance

 

i love both of them so much,i feel so empty when she doesnt talk to me when she doesnt pickup when i call i feel like a part of is being ripped away

 

i dont want to be this way i want to be happy without worrying or finding sleep easily even without talking to her,its like i rely so much of my happiness on her but its so hard tho i try not be this way i dont know what to do anymore need advice anything

[preraph]

When someone relies on someone else for their happiness, a lot of times it's a self-esteem problem. If someone cares about them, that gives them a self-worth boost, but people shouldn't have to rely on other people to make them feel happy and whole. The problem with it is when that person leaves, they take your self-esteem with them, and that shouldn't happen.

 

The irony is that a person with high self-esteem will find it easier to keep a mate than one whose self-worth is tied to the mate. And that's because even though we may not understand why we become unattracted and pull back, it's a solid instinct telling us someone who is acting desperate and needy isn't a healthy choice.

 

If you find you can't power through this problem just using self-discipline and by wanting to change, some therapy might give you some insights and be helpful in working through it in the long term.

 

A lot of us have this issue to a certain degree. It's when it is really affecting our lives that it's out of control, when we can't control ourselves.

[grik]

thank you preraph

 

i try sometimes self discipline but fail the thing is its only been with this woman i have had this problem to this extent maybe its cause i really do love her and scared to lose her and easily as something may happen as small as an unanswered call my mind spirals into being insecure,scared, anxious my heart unsettled.

[Trinity_84]

Like said before, this usually stems from low self esteem. Try to look at the bigger picture of life: we are here for a fraction of a millisecond in the vastness of the Universe. The way you look at yourself really shapes what kind of life you have during that fraction of infinite time.

 

Maybe if you look back on your life you can find out the reason(s) why you have low self-worth. Knowing what "caused" & what triggers the feelings of inadequacy can help you...just knowing yourself helps. Hey, no one expects you to have super high confidence all the time, we're all works in progress.

 

Start with little things, like if she doesn't pick up the phone and your mind starts racing with negative thoughts and ideas, breathe slowly and practice mindfulness.

 

I am speaking all this from very real and personal experience. I am also the type who gives herself fully into a relationship while losing sight of my own value and worth, and end up getting kicked around and humiliated. I am getting better at recognizing this about myself, and working on it as we speak.

[swenann991]

You made a good decision, trust me.

[mightycpa]

Happiness is overrated, in my opinion. You can be perfectly happy, and then something comes into your life that is completely out of your control and all of a sudden, you're not happy.

 

This could be a breakup, a job, an injury, a sickness, a death, a birth, a pet. It can be anything.

 

As a result, I think you have to consider that you are dependent upon other people and other things for your happiness, at least to some extent. I don't care how grounded you are, if you're in a satisfying and stable marriage, and one day your wife treats the seventh fleet to a gangbang when they arrive back into port, your happiness is going to take a big hit. That is unavoidable.

 

So there are two things, in my thinking. One is what you're getting at. You shouldn't make being in a relationship with someone else an immutable condition for attaining happiness. You should be able to find happiness without that in your life, or for that matter, without any of the things previously mentioned in your life. Satisfaction has to come from a sense that you're all that you wish to be, or you're striving to get there.

 

The other thing is that striving part. For example, if you want to be a doctor, and you're doing what you need to do in order to become a doctor, then that should be a source of happiness for you. The journey is what's important, and doing the things necessary to make progress is what's important. I call that fulfillment. You may not be at the goal, but you're doing what fulfills you as you work towards that goal.

 

When we apply this philosophy to the realm of romantic relationships, then the feedback we get is whether or no we're doing the things necessary to progress to the goal. Are you doing what you need to do in order to meet people? To me, this includes other facets of your life, like fitness, your job, money, friends, all the things that make for a rich life and make you otherwise desirable. Are you dating? Are you dating the right people? Are you compromising in order to keep a relationship? Are you afraid to cut somebody loose and start over? Are you paying attention to the actions of your partner? Because what they might do is completely out of your control. That's why I'm a big fan of multi-dating, and a disbeliever of LDR's. You diminish the chances of falling for somebody unsuitable when you multi-date and you date locally. You're naturally more picky and you gravitate towards people who are better matches. You're being more efficient with your time too.

 

I think you've wasted a year of your life, and not just because it went south on you. Let's say you saw this LDR woman 4X a month, which is probably a lot. You'd probably see one local woman you were dating 10X a month, or more. Look how much time you wasted. If you were dating three women, and you saw each of them 6X a month, then ditched one and started with another at the same pace, look how efficient you'd be compared to what you did last year. And if one of those girls ditched you, the remaining two would be soothing you right now, and you'd have 18 days per month to find a new one. In a year, you could conceivably have dated a dozen or two women, which would greatly increase your chances of finding someone who fits well with you, especially compared to dating only one person who lives far away from you. I don't care if you skyped her every day, unless that is your plan for marriage.

 

So, my advice is to stop thinking emotionally about this and to start thinking critically. Be your own best friend in your life. Find a path that fulfills you, and fill it with the riches of life.