40-year rewind...really! [UPDATE: Broke NC After 8 Months]

[BTDT2012]

Let him straighten out all his mess. And for don't let him move in with you. Let him be on his own, providing for himself.

[Birdies]

Take it slow. Don't let him move in with you. (I did that for a while til he got back on his feet and while it was nice in so many ways, it would have been a healthier relationship dynamic to be dating instead of suddenly basically living together like we were married all of a sudden.) DON'T move somewhere to be with him! Don't assume that things will actually work out... even if you both want them to, the fantasy version of the person is bound to be wildly different than the actual person. Don't fall into the fallacy of "We've risked everything to be together, it HAS to work out!"

 

Basically, keep your heart protected against him somewhat until it's clear that he's 100% in. Which can't happen until the divorce is final, the dust is settled (which can take a LONG time with a warpath BS), and he processes the loss of his marriage. Even if the marriage was toxic and the ex was terrible, it's still a loss and a big shakeup.

 

Do you think he's cheated with others? I'd be a lot more wary of getting in a relationship if you suspect it's possible. I got that impression from what you've written. Don't be naive...

 

Good luck! I'm speaking 100% from experience here fyi. For me, so far so good (very good!), but we shall see.

[RewindRomancer]

We are 1,000 miles apart. (He lives near my family). It's definitely his mess to clean. And it's blown up on cell phones (texts and pics), and social media, Even a pic of MM and I on his bike....sigh.....

 

 

It's a Mess. But we've always been friends. And I'll help him through this. My divorce was a few months ago. I'm happy. I live where he wants to retire - I'm where he wants to be in a couple of years. I've got time. He'll heal.

 

 

This is all because I found LoveShack. I set boundaries and told him not to contact me unless he moved out, took off his ring, and filed for divorce. He respected my boundaries.....and 3 months later he did it all.

[BluesPower]

Hope it works out.

[RewindRomancer]

Sweet Baby Jayzus, I love my M-man! (OP talking here). He left his wife and is living with a friend. She says papers have been filed but his attorney can't find them. Ex-Wife has a new, young hottie that she is flashing all over FB. Remember, OM and I are 1,000 miles apart. But we texted and face-timed for hours last night.

 

 

He is absolutely wrecked by his separation. But she's not coming back, believe me. She has a hottie at least 15 years younger than MM and I, and she is destroying everything she can financially (and with his high-level position he MUST maintain superior credit).

 

 

We talked for hours. No crying this time - from either of us. He disclosed he is having serious surgery in the morning. It is now the next evening. He read my text of support tonight but didn't reply.

 

 

I will probably fly up there soon to take care of him...or not. Such a tricky situation. Even though he is still married to her, he chose someone else for Power of Attorney. (Ouch for the still-wife!).

 

 

I love him, I love him, I love him! He's beginning to believe I'm the one who will support him through all of this mess. I'm here. I'm waiting.

 

 

Holy h*ll. What a nightmare. I don't even know why I'm posting. Who has some words of wisdom?????

 

 

RR

[HeCantBreakMe]

No words of wisdom from me. My xMM was a complete asshat and 99% of the ones i read about on here are the same way. Maybe you found the unicorn and in that case I have no words but good luck, don't press too hard, give him time heal, and if it is meant to be it will.

[BluesPower]

Look just don't loose your mind...

 

Granted it looks good right now, but try to keep yourself in check a little.

 

I had a girl I dated that just loved me so much that she literally lost her mind when I broke up with her.

 

I loved her I guess but good grief I never thought she would go off the deep end. So just try and keep it in perspective.

 

How long does he have to continue working like he is now? Can you two retire together? How soon?

 

When do you think you guys can actually be together?

 

These are some of the questions that you need to think about.

 

Give him some time to heal physically and mentally before you swoop in and carry him off to your cave by the hair...

[RewindRomancer]

But, yeah, I think I might be in that small percentage of Affairs who actually make it.

 

 

Dunno.

 

 

I will try SO HARD not to be a boiling-bunny stalker! lol.

 

 

RR

 

 

P.S. You've always been one of my favorite posters. Thanks for the "guy" advice!

[todreaminblue]

its funny you talk about flying up there......look after him sort of thing i feel the same......my emotions are twisted however...into i used to love him i could love him again....maybe he learned that what i was was right for him...i just dont know if i am anymore.....our physical relationship was intense after fifteen years together we spent a lot of it ldr...but our sex life was always oof the charts...and active......i basically got pregnant every time he came back....i have not seen him since he had an affair....its over...he was with her for ten years...he wants to fly me down..havent seen him in a decade........aches to see me....i dont know what to feel or whats right ..he bought me a car...wants me to drive ...and have freedom...zsupports my decisions...never ignores me always calls if he misses my call....ro calls till i answer him........it all seems to be falling into place for a second chance from me.....we have three girls together...i dont know he seems lost....i need to help him get back up......i am unsure....fi ti s with me he should be....deb

Edited March 1, 2017 by todreaminblue

[RewindRomancer]

Are those three girls his??

 

 

The thing about long-distance relationships is that you never REALLY know what's going on 'up there.'

 

 

Best of luck to you, sweetie.

 

 

;o)

[RewindRomancer]

I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't stop crying. Triggers are everywhere...each time a Harley roars past me here at the Beach, I stop breathing and I feel like I'm going to die from loss...not just the loss of MM...but the loss of our youth, and my last shot at happiness for the years I have remaining.

 

 

Almost 40 years. FORTY YEARS that we've pursued one another back and forth!

 

 

Push/pull. Push/pull. The timing was never right.

 

 

I've been his best friend, his college crush, his girlfriend, his mistress while he was dating his first wife, his long-distance EA partner in his current marriage, and finally his AP for a couple of hook-ups when I flew 1,000 miles to see him twice last year.

 

 

I know why he broke it off. Money. Retirement (2 years away). Legitimate reasons. If I told you *WHO* MM is and *WHAT* he does for a living, the ladies on this board would be lining up for a shot at him. ha.

 

 

His current (much younger wife) [] deliberately tried to destroy his finances when he left her *again* after her umpteenth affair that finally pushed him out of the marriage and right back to me.

 

 

MM has the highest security clearance one can have in his position. (And he has kept those high standards his entire career). One of the requirements is to maintain a superior credit score. When his wife found out about me on D-Day and he moved out, she went bats**t crazy

 

 

She deliberately stopped paying any bill with his name on it. She even stopped house payments - trying to send them into foreclosure. She knew her actions would literally destroy my AP - resulting in a spiral that would result in him being fired and a loss of his retirement benefits.

 

 

She's still a couple of years away from qualifying for his S.S. retirement benefits. That's why she hangs around. After her LAST affair and subsequent MC, they moved to separate bedrooms and she actually said to him, "I don't love you anymore. I just consider you a business partner." Whoa.....cold-hearted.

 

 

MM and I may be pushing senior citizen status but I've been in a dizzying social media war with MM, BS (betrayed spouse - that's a hoot - she has betrayed him multiple times) and her current AP. Texts, sexts, pics, games, confrontations have been flying.

 

 

In the middle of that junior high drama, MM contacted me one night via video chat....and that poor man (THAT MASCULINE, POWERFUL MAN) cried like a baby for about 3 hours. He was broken.

 

 

He was sleeping on an air mattress at a friend's house. He was suicidal. He was facing surgery the following day. He actually granted his friend Power of Attorney (I guess he thought she might pull the plug????). I virtually held his hand and talked him through the night.

 

 

We had limited contact the next few days. And then.......he ghosted me. He changed all of his social media pics from me (young me, old me, us in college, us on the beach, a half dozen pictures/videos of us on his smokin' hot Harley last year).....to nothing but PICS OF HER!!!!!!

 

 

No explanation. Just - BAM - in your face.

 

 

I have too much dignity to continue the drama. I know he did it to prove to her that he wanted to stay in the marriage and that he was cutting things off with me. But, God, can you say "heartless?" I'm a big girl - talk to me like a grown-up. I can take it. I immediately shut down and blocked all social media accounts and phones. Things have stayed that way for the past month.

 

 

I got my hopes up over a year ago when he swooped in the minute he saw on FB I had filed for divorce from my husband of 23 years. For a year he future-faked me until I believed it so much that I finally started flying up to his state to ramp up the relationship.

 

 

But now it's over. Maybe. Or is it?

 

 

We often talked about him coming to live here with me at the beach when he retires in two years. Their finances will be straight by then. Part of me thinks the reunification is nothing but "strategy" to him.

 

 

I've been the "love of his life" for decades. But I rejected him so many times in our early college years, I sometimes wonder if this whole thing has been some giant set-up to get back at me....Ha! There's my paranoia speaking.

 

 

The "break-up" happened a month ago. I have done everything right for myself: counseling, joined a Zumba class, weekly walks on the beach with my mom, going back to church with my aging parents, talking to friends, reading LS, and trying SOOOOOO hard to understand what's happened to me.

 

 

I've given up hope on true love this late in life, even though I'm attractive, bright and outgoing. I live at the beach. And any middle-class, sober, educated, decent guy around here doesn't want *ME.* They want the 20-something hotties wandering around here in bikinis!! lol.

 

 

It's been quite a shock to come out of a 23-year marriage to find that guys are not just hanging around all the time, waiting for me to go out with them. Aaaaargh! What happened? I guess that's why I slid so easily into a relationship with MM - he remembers me at my hottest (grin).

 

 

Siiiiiiiigh. I'm so freaking sad. So, so sad. I really love that man and I harbor no ill will toward him. I want him to be happy. But dang...........

 

 

I can't stop hoping his Harley will roll up to my front door, and we will ride til' we die.

 

 

Thoughts? Any armchair analysis that can give me insight into his head would really help. BluesPower????

 

 

rr

Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[aileD]

So the last time you talked to him was the night before he had surgery?

 

And the next day all his pics were changed to her?

 

And he ghosted you?

 

 

Are you sure he's even ok? Alive? In a coma?

 

Seems weird.

 

 

But at any rate.....if he loved you enough to be with you, he would. He doesn't. He doesn't love you more than finances and he doesn't love you more than fear.

 

Join some social groups, you'll find someone else. You seem great.

[gettingstronger]

Read back through your post and really look at the examples-

Didn't pay the house payment- he could have done that himself, ditto the bill with his name on it-

He's a grown man acting like a victim here-

 

You are smart to get away from the drama- he's may be nearing retirement but he doesn't have his S#it together-

[RecentChange]

If I told you *WHO* MM is and *WHAT* he does for a living, the ladies on this board would be lining up for a shot at him. ha.

 

Umm no. Not a single thing you have said about this man makes him sound desirable. Who he is? Like some sort of "fame" is important? Nor what he does for a living or his security clearances impressive. Howes he treat people? How does he live his life? What are his intentions? What is the character of this man? That is who he is - not a title or a status. Don't be blinded by superficial things.

 

Seems like AileD was right on your first thread:

 

Your chances are 100% that you're going to waste a big chunk of your life and still end up without him but very much hurt and depressed.

 

Let him go. It's done.

[olivkazp]

I have a question though, why after his divorce you didn't end up together married if you love him (one another ) so much?

[BTDT2012]

MM and I may be pushing senior citizen status but I've been in a dizzying social media war with MM, BS (betrayed spouse - that's a hoot - she has betrayed him multiple times) and her current AP. Texts, sexts, pics, games, confrontations have been flying.

Stop playing games with these people. Who needs this level of drama? Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[S2B]

I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't stop crying. Triggers are everywhere...each time a Harley roars past me here at the Beach, I stop breathing and I feel like I'm going to die from loss...not just the loss of MM...but the loss of our youth, and my last shot at happiness for the years I have remaining.

 

 

Almost 40 years. FORTY YEARS that we've pursued one another back and forth!

 

 

Push/pull. Push/pull. The timing was never right.

 

[]

 

Thoughts? Any armchair analysis that can give me insight into his head would really help. BluesPower????

 

 

rr

 

Since you say you have dignity left - take that and block him from EVERY area of your life!

 

Stop handing him all of YOUR power! Make decisions to have a happy future that don't involve him in ANY way!

 

That would show actions that you do have dignity.

 

Do that first.

Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
condensed quoted text ~6

[S2B]

And who cares about his status or security clearance?!! Obviously, a security clearance does not equal a moral compass or integrity. Look at the Clintons = gross union.

 

Step away from all THEIR dynamics and drama and start LIVING!

[BluesPower]

I understand that you feel like he is the love of your life, I get that.

 

But please be real with yourself, he is a hot mess and you know it.

 

I don't know how old you are, 55 more, less, but life is not over.

 

Look at the situation, you have a guy in a powerful position, that married a young wife that he can in no way handle and he is to afraid to divorce her.

 

He should have never married her and he know is and he did not have sense enough to get a prenup. He lets he cheat on him probably because of his ED issues and he is still upset by her behavior??? He can't put his foot down because he is too afraid of losing all the money that he will lose in a divorce.

 

Then you have to ask what kid of a man allows himself to choose this type of woman. I would say not a very good judge of character.

 

Does this really sound like a man that is worth waiting for? Not really.

 

Please put him out of your head and try to move on...

[RewindRomancer]

The thought of a pre-nup never occurred to me. And, no, he can't "handle" her. As smart as he is, I can't believe he made such a dumb move. You are right.Makes perfect sense.

 

 

What a sad, sad mess....

[clia]

Read back through your post and really look at the examples-

Didn't pay the house payment- he could have done that himself, ditto the bill with his name on it-

He's a grown man acting like a victim here-

 

You are smart to get away from the drama- he's may be nearing retirement but he doesn't have his S#it together-

 

This.

 

I mean, come on. If his credit score is that critical, it makes no sense that he isn't paying his own bills and is leaving it all in the hands of someone else.

[RewindRomancer]

They both agreed to the divorce, and will be required by law to split things equally financially. Before he left the marital home, they informally agreed (ahead of time) on who would pay what and how they would split their assets. He agreed to allow her to stay in the home.

 

 

Of course, without a final divorce decree/court order, their financial agreement isn't binding yet. He "trusted" her to do her part. I think he was blindsided when he discovered she wasn't making house payments or paying on the bills she agreed to. Luckily, he was able to correct course before anything horrible happened.

 

 

But, it dawns on me.....as Blues pointed out.....he really can't handle her, can he?! And, as I'm beginning to see, he played me to make her jealous so he could right his ship and keep himself from utter financial ruin.

 

 

Aaaaaaand.....I'm not being conceited here because this is apparently a big part of the story.....she changed her mind about him when she saw pictures of me (even though I'm older than she is, we are both very pretty). So I am only saying this from HER perspective. I think she was SHOCKED into reality when she saw the Harley pictures of me with her husband.

 

 

She was all ready to run off with HER gorgeous younger man when she discovered me. And I'm thinking that she suddenly did a double-take on her life and said, "Whaaaaaaat?" Most certainly she reeled MM back in. Interesting that her situation mirrors mine from so many years ago (when he started dating his first wife after college, it only ramped up my interest in him and gave me the motivation to win him back).

 

 

Several people asked earlier what I see in MM......what are his redeeming qualities? I've thought about this all day. I was raised by a powerful, narcissistic father who treated me like a princess. MM has always been very much like him - I guess I have daddy issues? Definitely something to explore in therapy.

 

 

The clearer this all becomes, the less upset I am. He's gotten himself into a terrible trap and there really is no way out right now. I'm so sad for him but I can't fix what is broken in his life.

 

 

So I'm stepping out permanently. Unless of course that Harley rolls up here at the beach someday.....hey, it could happen!

 

 

This cute dentist was flirting with me this afternoon, so I'm thinking maybe it's not over for me after all! lol!! I locked on to MM almost immediately after I filed for divorce over a year ago. I haven't even really dated yet. *BIG BREATH* But I'm about to. ;o)

 

 

Thank you all for the insights and tough love. It would take months in therapy for me to figure out what you've taught me today. I guess only those who have "been there" get it, right?

[whichwayisup]

He is where he wants to be. She didn't 'reel' him back in. Nobody can force someone to do something they don't want to do, unless there's a gun held to their head.

 

You're better off without him. I hope you grieve and heal in a healthy way so you can find happiness again.

[S2B]

You think toooo much about them, their marriage and what they must be thinking.

 

Think about it - you and you alone have wasted DECADES on ONE selfish man who cares only about his needs.

 

You have done this to yourself. He isn't "trapped"! He is right where he chooses to be.

 

You make so many assumptions about them - start paying attention to what you do instead of them.

 

He's not divorcing her. He's stringing you along because you've stayed.

 

I hope you keep your promise to yourself and end it with him.

 

That way you can find an available man who will make ONLY YOU his top priority.

[aileD]

You are way overthinking and over analyzing this.

 

In fact you are spending way too much mental energy on NOTHING.

 

It's been nothing for 40 years. It will be nothing 40 years from now.

 

Find somewhere else to put your energy. You will be much happier