40-year rewind...really! [UPDATE: Broke NC After 8 Months]

[rumblefish12]

Horrible? Think about where you're posting.

 

I went back to see what your first post looked like in light of this. You said you "fell into" an EA. That's really passive. Like you stepped in ****. You have a role and a choice in this.

 

Your first post asked, "what are my chances?" If you are still asking that, I'd respond that I have no idea what your chances are that you'll be wife #4 (?), but your chances are really really good that if you do end up with him that it won't last. You are walking into this with your eyes wide open.

 

And I'm not a BS, I'm the MM/OM who has made huge mistakes and learned from all the posters here. You have to be respectful of the BS who didn't choose this. If you want to suggest they drove their MM to an A, that's just not true. Married men have the choice.

[William]

Folks, let's keep in mind that the idea here is to help and advise the OP on their situation.

 

Let's double check and make sure our replies are accomplishing that before we hit that "SUBMIT" button so I can stop hitting that "INFRACTION" button. ~T

Edited September 21, 2017 by William

[ladydesigner]

The fact you broke NC and are back on again isn't a good sign. How many years do you want to waste on this MM? Months, Years, Decades... it's up to you what you are willing to accept.

Edited September 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Darren Steez]

We have an understanding that he will contact me once he moves out. However I do understand, at this point, that may be never.

 

 

But none the less you'll be waiting.

 

So you're wasting your life.

 

The guy's a winner.

[wmacbride]

Op,

I read through the thread, and I have to ask.

 

Are you sure it's really him who you love and not all the drama he brings into your life?

[HiCrunchy]

I'm 22 and even I don't have this much drama in my life.

I am sure someone of your age could spend her golden years with someone way less exhausting.

OP I think you need to block and delete (which is totally within your power and then just move on).

 

You can think of him fondly, but let him go darling. It is for the best

[RewindRomancer]

Thank you Crunchy, that was a really well thought out, kind reply. I AM a bit of an adrenaline junky - so that was some good insight.

 

Thanks for not "piling on."

 

I've had no contact with him since I got home. My choice.

 

P.S. And thank you William for cleaning up the mess....

[gettingstronger]

Thank you Crunchy, that was a really well thought out, kind reply. I AM a bit of an adrenaline junky - so that was some good insight.

 

Thanks for not "piling on."

 

I've had no contact with him since I got home. My choice.

 

P.S. And thank you William for cleaning up the mess....

 

Sounds like you live in a place where you can get your "fix" for adrenaline lots of ways that will benefit you. Go out and do that now.

[RewindRomancer]

MM moved out of the marital home several months ago. Divorce has been filed and is in process. We are talking again, with no specific plans for the future because this is going to be a long, drawn-out legal and financial mess.

 

As they were breaking up, his wife contacted me via a dummy FB page she custom made just for me. It was mostly pictures of her and MM all dressed up at a wedding (not theirs), attractive selfies, and beach pictures (maybe stock photos from where they had vacationed?) She had 3 questions for me:

 

1. Don't I look hot? Can you top that?

 

2. Last time you were in ___________ you "saw" him!

 

3. You want him don't you?

 

I didn't accept the messages but I didn't block her either. I just let it sit for 6 months or so. She has now officially moved on to her MUCH YOUNGER (than all of us) hottie OM.

 

MM and I connected recently because my son accomplished something significant in his career (he has a powerful job in the same field as MM) and I texted to share with MM. We started talking again. We never blocked each other on social media or our phones because I made it clear months ago I wouldn't engage in any kind of relationship with him until he: A. Moved out of the house B. Filed for divorce C. Took off his ring.....He's done all 3 and we're back in business, except that I live 1,000 miles away. However my family lives practically next door to him so I fly up any time I want.

 

His divorce and his retirement should occur about the same time. By then everything should be wrapped up. No definite plans for the future other than to take one helluva Harley ride together, and see what happens.

 

He's the love of my youth. I'm the love of his life. Maybe this will work. Maybe it won't. I still date, flirt, have fun. I'm not pining away, putting my entire future in his hands. If it happens, it happens.

 

But I suuuuuuuure would like to wait a bit to see how this all shakes out. What are a few months compared to 40 years? We met on the beach during Spring Break my senior year in high school and we wound up at the same University. He was my college sweetheart. I've seen several relatives and friends who rekindled H.S. or college relationships and married in later years - and they are deliriously happy to have re-connected with their true loves.

 

My situation is not a "standard office affair." We have been a part of each other's lives on and off for decades. I know him well, as he does me. It's just possible that things could work out for us. I said POSSIBLE, so please don't jump on me. My life will go on either way - I won't be emotionally devastated if he bails. I have a strong sense of self.

 

But, d*mn, wouldn't it be fun to be retired with THIS guy?! Oh man, beaches and motorcycles, and memories and fun. (OK....now I'm sliding into OW fantasies. ha!)

 

Bottom line - we are both healthy even though we are pushing senior citizen status. We have a lot of living left to do. And I don't want to die alone (neither does he). Who does?!

 

My quick question is to the BS's.

 

First of all, you guys scare me....and I'm not easily intimidated. But you shut me down completely last time I posted and mods had to get in there and fix everything. So it has taken me months to be brave enough to post again - although I lurk everyday. Please don't flame me as I have legitimate concerns that only a BS has insight to.

 

The BS (as I stated upthread she's not really much of a "betrayed" spouse because she has had multiple affairs during the marriage) obviously wanted to engage me last year with D-day questions on social media. But now she and her new young guy are romancing all over her real FB page so I'm pretty sure she doesn't care much about me anymore.

 

My "drama" instinct wants to engage her and play games (like answer her "top this" challenge with a pic of my 18-year-old self in a bikini on a beach with her husband. ha!) No, I wouldn't really do that but it's funny to think about. Mostly, I would like to get more insight into the dynamics of their marriage - you know, do a little detective work to discover if there was something about MM that I don't know about. I can be appropriate and kind in my questioning.

 

SO, MY BIG QUESTION TODAY IS:

 

Should I "talk" to MM's estranged wife, or just let it go? BS's say over and over and over that they want answers from the OW (but to be clear, this is not a reconcilliation), and at the the same time I wouldn't mind getting a few of my questions answered as well.

 

What do you all think?

 

And, as always, I welcome insight from BluesPower.

[wmacbride]

 

{snip} SO, MY BIG QUESTION TODAY IS:

 

Should I "talk" to MM's estranged wife, or just let it go? BS's say over and over and over that they want answers from the OW (but to be clear, this is not a reconcilliation), and at the the same time I wouldn't mind getting a few of my questions answered as well.

 

What do you all think?

 

And, as always, I welcome insight from BluesPower.

 

I still think all this drama is what's fueling you.

 

Sure, most bs would like to have their questions answered by the ow/om. If the responses on here are any indication, even the om/ow who end up with their mm/mw don't tend to harbour a sense of ill will or " one upmanship" to the bs. They have a sense of compassion and, in their own small way, are trying to make amends.

 

I'm not getting that vibe from you, and to be honest, I doubt your contacting her will do her any good at all. In fact, it sounds to me like you would only want to reach out to her for your own purposes.

 

In short, ask yourself if you think you can speak.communicate with her without getting in any barbs or digs. If you can honestly answer "yes", then give it a try. If your answer is "no", then leave her alone. Be warned that if you do contact her, you may find out a lot of information you don't really want to hear.

Edited January 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[RewindRomancer]

Yes, McBride, I do want some questions answered. One in particular. An incident occurred years ago that was splashed all over the news (my family told me about it). I did not live there at that time and I am sure the BS knows all the details. MM will not discuss. It could be a red flag that would put a screeching halt to all of this.

 

But you are right, I don't have a lot of sympathy for her because she is NOT your typical BS - trust me on this. However, I could honestly talk to her respectfully and I would answer her questions appropriately. I'm sure I have information that she does not. My knowledge of this man goes back to his first wife and before. She appears MUCH better off with her new, youthful man now. So maybe she doesn't care a lot about me anymore, and could talk calmly with me?

 

And, yes, my personality tends toward the dramatic but I can reign it in when I need to. Your observation is a good one. I'm just thinking that, after months of downtime and a real divorce in process, neither the BS or myself is interested in high drama. Maybe we both simply want to fill in some blanks in our lives.

 

Do you think any of this matters to her anymore???? Thoughts?

[Matahari007]

RR,

Why on earth would you entertain asking his wife any questions? Why would you think she would be forthcoming? Remember you are someone that she suspects is having an affair with her H, so why would she tell you anything. Also, the better question is why do you even care to know what she thinks?

 

Let this go RR! Keep enjoying your sunny happy life living by the beach and enjoy the view of the waves and watching Harley's drive by. This woman has nothing to offer you and from your posts you shouldn't even be interested in anything she has to say, let alone answering questions to the OW.

 

Wishing you the best!

Edited January 23, 2018 by Matahari007

[S2B]

I wouldn't consider anything with him/including seeing him at all - until his divorce is final AND he asks to see you!

 

He may not even be interested now. He may have found another gal he's more interested in... just like his wife did.

[Minnie09]

You haven’t responded to her in 6+ months, so it’s a little late to reach out I’m thinking.... Also, if you start digging around in his past, he will not be very pleased, especially about that “one incident” that he hasn’t talked about, by his own choice. I’m sure they still talk, and even if it’s not a friendly relationship they’re having, she will most likely let him know sooner or later that you’ve reached out and asked awkward questions. Looks like they’re done, so no issues there or so it seems. But if you are interested in this man, then ask him directly if you want to know something. If he hesitates, yes, I’m thinking that’s a red flag, even if he generally wants to keep things private. If you’re important to him, he will feel the need to share, on his own accord. If you’re just “someone” to him, then “sharing“ with you will not be his priority, because he’ll think it’s none of your beeswax anyways.

 

One more piece of (unsolicited) advice: Keep dating and have fun, stay independent. He doesn’t seem tooooo involved and/or committed to a future with you, but I could be totally wrong here. Just the way you’re describing him screams “not relationship material!!”, despite his (and your) age, and despite the fact that you don’t want to grow old alone. I’d be cautious here.

And it’s not because the D is not finalized. I don’t think this matters at all. They’ve both obviously moved on quite nicely.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Minnie09

[RewindRomancer]

Nawwwwww STB, he doesn't have another lady yet. We just talked on the phone yesterday. His main goal is closure, moving on, and retiring. We may make a go of it, we may not. He could very well get another girlfriend. Ours was an exit affair for him, and we know those don't always work out. But the good news is I am not an OW anymore. His divorce is happening and he is living elsewhere.

 

For the first time in our "old age" he has started saying, "I love you." He's gonna be officially free soon enough. My divorce was finalized two years ago. Neither of us divorced for the other. It's just happy circumstance that we've wound up free at the same time in our lives with the same goals and hopes for the future.

 

I'll always adore him, and no matter what happens I'm sure we'll always be in touch.

 

You guys may be right though....probably no good thing could come from interacting with his ex at this point. We've all seemed to move on. Though I'll admit, since my soon-to-be-single MM started romancing me again, I did have the urge to gloat to his STBX. But I realize that's adolescent. So I won't. Thank you for the common sense responses everyone.

 

This has been and will continue to be one of those long LoveShack sagas. Check back in a year and see if we made it everyone. I might actually be one of the rare OW who beat the odds!

Edited January 23, 2018 by RewindRomancer
To address a previous poster by name

[minimariah]

Though I'll admit, since my soon-to-be-single MM started romancing me again, I did have the urge to gloat to his STBX.

 

i don’t think you have anything to gloat over though - if you do contact her, i can think of a few ways she could verbally beat you down. and she won’t give you any answers about the accident you’re interested in.

 

so - no contact with the BS, ever.

[RewindRomancer]

Thank you minimariah, you are right,

[seren]

RR, I have just read this entire thread and it has some of the saddest things I have read in a long time. Throughout the thread you seem to be hanging onto this 'long term lovers' label that, given how he didn't contact you when he could have, seems very misplaced and more about how you are hoping it is, than it is. Not bashing you one little bit, I get the getting older when you were the thing when you were younger, sadly getting older and gravity does that, but we can still be beautiful when we are hitting retirement age and if a man loves you, they will always see you as beautiful and that girl.

 

You sound like a friend of mine who had this vision of she and the MM going off together when they both retired and his supposedly sick wife was no longer around. They had wonderful weekends and long breaks in lovely hotels, then he went home to his wife and she to waiting for him to contact her. My friend always had something to blame his wife for, always compared herself to her, yet he chose to stay with his wife while supposedly being unhappy. He just stopped contacting my friend when retirement day came closer and she never heard from him again. It had been such a waste of 15 long years when she could have found someone who loved her for all that she was and that their plans were based upon truth and not castles in the air.

 

It isn't brave to have an affair, it is cowardly, brave is taking a frightening leap into the dark and knowing that it is done because not being able to live without the one you love is impossible, yet some do it and some are happy, most future fake or imagine how things could have been while doing nothing. many, many lovely men and women on here come on and pour their hearts out asking themselves what they could have done differently and beat themselves up for not being good enough. Truth is, they were always good enough, they just trusted the wrong person.

 

I hope you get yourself your Harley and enjoy the ride, I hope you find yourself a pillion passenger who loves RR as she is and not some memory from way back. I also hope that the MM sorts himself out, the BS is none of your business and the back and fro is demeaning and more about one up manship than anything else, let it go, be dignified.

 

I would love to read at some point that you and a new man or even this one firmly unattached and living nearby where you can have a relationship where you actually get to see each other more than a few times a year, even if you have been in contact for over 40 years, twice a year meet ups don't amount to much. Either way, look forward not back, none of us, sadly, are getting any younger, I am rather proud that I have aged very well. I hope it all works out.

[RewindRomancer]

I know how sad and pathetic my thread sounds in the beginning. I cringe when I read the early parts (that's why I won't go back and look anymore. ha!) This entire event has been a tremendous learning experience for me.

 

What you have to understand, though, is that my OW experience grew out of a horrific divorce from a 25-year abusive marriage. Near the end, my ex developed a serious drug problem and lost his medical license...and we lost everything, I mean literally everything...house, cars, cell phones, all forms of insurance and retirement plans....just absolutely everything. (Thank God my parents were financially comfortable enough to bankroll our family for a year until I was able to get on my feet).

 

My ex husband was a narcissist with a sex addiction, and I doubt he was ever faithful to me once our first child was born. Our marriage was just an ongoing roller coaster of discovering multiple forms of cheating, betrayal, and sexual perversions during the first few years of our marriage (really). I finally became numb to it all and stopped confronting, and started to look the other way. I loved our lifestyle and I adored being a stay-at-home mom - so, believe me, I understand the mindset of a BS. I totally and absolutely understand! It wasn't until foreclosure notices started coming to my front door and cars started rolling out of the driveway on tow trucks that I woke up to the nightmare that I had allowed myself to sink into.

 

At that point, MM and I had been active FB friends for about 5 years. He was not the only ex BF on my friends list. I honestly don't know if that's normal or not normal in the social media world, but I have maintained decades-long friendships with most of my HS and college exes. (In fact, half the football team I cheered for was riffing with me on a FB thread I started during a recent NFL play-off game). It was great fun and that's just who I am. I'm not trying to steal anyone's husband, we all just like to get rowdy together. I'm a total extrovert and I'm not apologizing for that. It seems that I've been painted here as this pathetic, aging, former beauty queen who doesn't realize I'm old and not-so-hot anymore. ;o)

 

I know I'm old. I know I don't look 18 anymore. But listen. MM doesn't know that! He sees me and he sees that cute thang he picked up on the beach when we were young. When I left my husband, and filed for divorce, I announced it on FB. And, I'll be honest, I was sincerely hoping some hunky blast from the past (who was single) would contact me. I TRUST those guys. I KNOW those guys. Because of my age/generation, I wasn't even remotely interested in online dating with a pack of potential sociopaths. lol. Familiar men seemed like an infinitely better potential dating pool, y'know?

 

Sooooo MM piped up and started private messaging me. However, he was NOT quite as single as he made himself out to be. Granted, he was separated at the time, but if LoveShack has taught me anything, SEPARATED IS NOT SINGLE. He and his new, young wife went round and round for a year separating, reunifying, fighting, cheating.....whatever. I shouldn't have stayed involved once I realized there was no divorce happening anytime soon. I was a mess, as the entirety of this thread can attest.

 

I sought individual counseling....and I talked this sh*t through for a year - about both my ex and MM. I set boundaries with MM that I learned from LS, and he honored them. I tried to write out what was happening to me here, what I was feeling, and sought advice from this forum. But I was shot down. I'm sure part of the "attacks" were my own fault for coming off as arrogant and entitled. I was just trying to pump up my self-esteem, since it had been annihilated by my ex-husband. LS can be a harsh, harsh forum. So, instead of continuing to post, I lurked here everyday for a couple of years. And I learned stuff. Lots of stuff.

 

And for the most part, MM and I left each other alone. We connected occasionally, usually during major natural disasters (I know that's weird, but my youngest child is disabled and still lives with me. I'm an older, single woman traveling alone during evacuations, and he literally guides us through the entire experience 24/7 until we arrive home safely). He's a powerful, kind man who has a soft spot for my son...even gave him a kick-but ride on the Harley one summer!

 

So don't be sad for me anyone. I've lived a fabulous life. I'm surrounded by 4 generations of family here at the beach. We have swim parties and BBQ's and sleepovers with the grandkids all the time. My XH is basically homeless and now drives a cab in a resort city far from all of us (oh how the mighty have fallen!) I totally realize I might die alone. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I'd rather have my best friend along for the ride (a Harley ride at that).

 

He's done everything I've ever hoped for...filed for divorce, moved out, took off his ring. His ex-wife has a new lover. I'm no longer an OW. Life is good for me now. I just want to add to it. I want my man. And I want to ride off into the sunset with him.

 

No delusions here. The fantasies are totally attainable now. I just have to be patient and let the wheels of justice turn. We may not end up as lovers again, but I am certain that we will always be friends.

 

rr

[BluesPower]

I did want to reply... Thanks for the shout out BTW.

 

I don't know what age you are for sure, I am figuring around 50, maybe.

 

Here is where I am at on all this. Yes you were kind of silly and maybe pathetic in your earlier posts.

 

I completely understand the past love thing and all of that.

 

Now that he has finally filed, and they are splitting up, all of that sounds good.

 

But, there is always a but, you need to SEE where he is headed and if he comes to you, the way that you want him to.

 

And if he does, cool, you can ride off into the sunset and that would be totally cool.

 

So, would continue to date around if any good prospects come around and just take everything slow.

 

The other thing that I worry about is sex. Now maybe you are not into sex any more, but if I remember correctly he has ED issues and cannot have sex. (That can be dealt with for most men, BTW)

 

But you need to decide how you are going to handle that if it you guy get together.

 

So I say take it all slow, don't stop dating and see what happens...

[RewindRomancer]

Very astute of you to remember the ED thing Blues. No, it's absolutely NOT a deal-breaker for me like it was for his young wife. Remember, I "had" him in our youth...lots. haha. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

 

There are always "work-arounds," you know what I mean? There are lots of other ways to express sexuality. And we've done that. And, of course, there is prescription help which we will utilize if this gets to be a long-term thing. I'm not worried in the slightest about THAT part of our relationship. But his "issue" is what sent the young wife around the bend. She took it personally and instead of helping, being patient, seeking treatment with him etc., she chose to humiliate and berate him. She purposely had multiple affairs and threw them in his face to "prove" how sexually desirable she was.

 

She kicked him when he was down and publicly humiliated him. THAT'S why I hate her. She hurt someone I love, and the very public way she went about doing it infuriates me. And then she went after his finances and job/retirement security....literally at the end of his successful career. She wanted to destroy him just to destroy him - and she almost did because of the lack of a pre-nup that you pointed out earlier.

 

But he's over her theatrics and vindictiveness now. As I've pointed out numerous times in this thread, he has a high-level security job. He has the ability and resources to destroy somebody's life (legally) any time he wants - not that he actually goes around doing that to people. BUT. His STBXW just messed with the wrooooong man! He's done with being depressed, rejected, hopeless. The dude is back in business and I SURE AS H*LL would not want to be the recipient of his Scorched Earth policy right now. Karma's about to smack her in the head with a 2X4.

 

So I'm maintaining my distance and watching the show...waiting for the divorce to finally wrap up. And then we'll see.....I'll probably fly up to see my cousins for a vacation and FMM and I will have the time and the freedom to plan out the last phase of out lives. Together? I hope so. Apart? Well, I'll still have all the pictures and good memories - and a FB friend forever. ;o)

 

rr

[wmacbride]

op,

I can totally relate to loving the beach. Like you, I always feel better when I can be in the sun and water ( my big dream is to have a a home by the beach..even a tiny shack will do- but it has to be somewhere warm as I am a "bad" canadian and hate the cold:laugh:)

 

Whatever this guy does or doesn't do, be happy in your own skin. learn to trust yourself and your ability to make good choices for yourself. I get that you love this guy, but, at least for now, try looking at him as a welcome addition to a life that is already great. If he wants to come along for the ride, make sure you set firm boundaries for what you will and will not accept from him. Accept that, easy and tempting as it may be to blame his failed marriages on his ex-wives, he certainly played a part in their demise. Accept he has faults and feet of clay, as to do otherwise is really unfair to him.

 

I would advise you to take it slow I know it may seem like you've been waiting years already, but if he does come around wanting a full relationship, take it slow and get to know him in that context. See where it leads, and with a bit of patience and luck, this second part of your life may be far better than the youth you look so fondly on.

 

Even if it doesn't work, you will always have the beach, the sunshine and the water to feed your heart. It sounds like you are learning to be happy with or without him, and that's great.

[BourneWicked]

Take it slow sounds like great advice. Sounds like a really beautiful ending/beginning to your story. Best of luck!