Emotional abuse - effects

[spiderowl]

I suffered emotional abuse as a teenager from a persistently angry and aggressive father who shouted, denigrated me and threatened me, almost on a daily basis. This went on for years. There was no-one I could talk to about it. My mother could not deal with him in an effective way. She tried to stop him but they just ended up arguing about irrelevant things. They were wrapped up in their arguments and did nothing to prevent it happening again. Others also told him not to shout and calm down. An uncle had a few words with him, but nothing helped. Few people outside the family saw this. I just felt anxious, depressed and fearful most of the time he was around. He made a point of deliberately making me jump by shouting at me when I was in bed or reading or something. He was scathing about my looks, tried to push me into doing things that were totally unsuited to my personality, and compared me to everyone else (who were much better of course - tidier, harder working, more domesticated, well-behaved). The clear message was, no-one would ever want someone like me.

 

All this was interspersed with some kindnesses and positive comments about achievements, so I had mixed feelings most of the time. I knew that the achievements were sitting on top of a pile of failures and that they counted for less.

 

I know all this has had an impact. I have tried to put it behind me and to lead a normal life - after all, it was not physical abuse. I tried to make sure I treated my children kindly. I did what I could to carry on and try to do something positive with my life and to achieve something and make him proud. However, I have been dogged by depression. I only realise just how much this has affected me when I am suddenly plunged into misery and despair over something someone has said. Somehow it seems a more immediate recall than the constant depression. I don't know how much of this is due to the abuse or just my genetic make-up.

 

I am wondering how others have been affected by such abuse? How do you know it has affected you? Do you find that certain triggers can bring up bad feelings? I find it affects relationships as I can go from being thrilled to get to know someone new to wondering why they would ever want to be with me. I can go from feeling attractive because of their positive attention to feeling terribly ugly and unattractive. The new person often seems to think I'm playing some sort of game, or rejecting them, when I seem to be denying their compliments. It is just that at that point I am feeling worthless and so I do not believe they are sincere. I cannot believe they mean it and I think I would only be deluding myself if I did believe them. In between all this, I do not know the truth and I'm not sure I could handle it anyway.

 

I have tried to get help but some things have helped and some have not. I have had counselling but not specifically for this. The counselling was supportive but we did not really discuss the effects of all this. I also feel disloyal even mentioning it, but recently I have felt upset and shaky about it as I have realised just how much it has ruined my life. It is hard to get beyond this as bad feelings are triggered so quickly and I cannot reason myself out of them. It is like having a running sore and then someone comes along and scratches it.

 

I'd love to hear others' experiences and see if anything sounds familiar to them. Are there treatments that work? Is there anything new in this area that helps people? I'm lost with it all really because most services seem to be aimed at people who have suffered physical abuse. I also do not know if anything can really repair this kind of damage.

Edited January 30, 2017 by spiderowl

[Miss Clavel]

what does your father say?

[TheWoman]

I have a similar background and unfortunately having escaped it, I then went and married a man who behaved in the exact same way towards me.

 

We are now divorced and I am looking for therapy for basically the same issues. I have not found anyone yet who I want to stick with, although I have read that psychotherapy can help with family of origin problems.

 

I personally have found mindfulness to be useful as well. If I do have any success, or find someone with a particular focus that is helpful, I will let you know.

[Lilyana76]

Sadly I have gone through much of the same. My step father was extremely verbally abusive, would insult and threaten me, call me ugly and fat from the age of 7.

 

It changes you, it changes how you see yourself, it changes how you relate to other people.

 

I had to have a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to change my views of myself, and to open up to the idea that I do deserve to be loved and happy and treated kindly.

 

It's a lot of work. But I highly suggest therapy! It's the only thing that really helped me.

[spiderowl]

what does your father say?

 

I don't talk to him about it. I hardly see him. I still care for him but really can't cope with spending much time with him. I'm not interested in what he says about it. Why would I want to ask him about it?

[spiderowl]

Sadly I have gone through much of the same. My step father was extremely verbally abusive, would insult and threaten me, call me ugly and fat from the age of 7.

 

It changes you, it changes how you see yourself, it changes how you relate to other people.

 

I had to have a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to change my views of myself, and to open up to the idea that I do deserve to be loved and happy and treated kindly.

 

It's a lot of work. But I highly suggest therapy! It's the only thing that really helped me.

 

Thank you Lilyana. I am sorry about what happened to you. I agree it does change you. I have found therapy helped in a way to question things but did not change the deep down feelings that keep being triggered. More might help though. I particularly notice when I see other people who are confident and happy. When I see how my siblings treat their children, it is so different and thoughtful. They genuinely care how their child feels rather than spending their time knocking them down. It must make children feel totally differently about life.

[elaine567]

You are probably suffering from Complex PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

 

Complex PTSD

 

This can start weeks or months after the traumatic event, but may take years to be recognised.

Trauma affects a child's development - the earlier the trauma, the more harm it does. Some children cope by being defensive or aggressive. Others cut themselves off from what is going on around them, and grow up with a sense of shame and guilt rather than feeling confident and good about themselves.

Adults who have been abused or tortured over a period of time develop a similar sense of separation from others, and a lack of trust in the world and other people.

As well as many of the symptoms of PTSD described above, you may find that you:

 

• feel shame and guilt
  
• have a sense of numbness, a lack of feelings in your body
  
• can't enjoy anything
  
• control your emotions by using street drugs, alcohol, or by harming yourself
  
• cut yourself off from what is going on around you (dissociation)
  
• have physical symptoms caused by your distress
  
• find that you can't put your emotions into words
  
• want to kill yourself
  
• take risks and do things on the 'spur of the moment'.
  

It is worse if:

 

• it happens at an early age – the earlier the age, the worse the trauma
  
• it is caused by a parent or other care giver
  
• the trauma is severe
  
• the trauma goes on for a long time
  
• you are isolated
  
• you are still in touch with the abuser and/or threats to your safety.
  

Watch -

- some other links below the video too.

[spiderowl]

I'm not sure it is as bad as that Elaine but I do find I have real problems trusting men (and women) and trusting that they are not suddenly going to change their attitude to me. If they something nice or flattering, I find I cannot believe it and dispute it. They then think I am being difficult or do not trust they know their own minds. It's weird.

Edited January 31, 2017 by spiderowl

[Miss Clavel]

I don't talk to him about it. I hardly see him. I still care for him but really can't cope with spending much time with him. I'm not interested in what he says about it. Why would I want to ask him about it?

 

he might say he's sorry. he might say that nothing he ever said to you was true. he might say he did things to you that he learned from his parents.

 

i went thru plenty with my raging alkie dad, when he was home. he died young, when i was young and i didn't get to find out anything about "why". i had other sibs he preferred, he made that very clear. my one sister was his favorite and never his target and she had her own issues.

 

since your childhood is affecting you, as an adult and a parent, maybe it's time to talk to him.

 

there is no excuse for his behavior but there could be an explanation. not one that will make what he did to you okay, but maybe he will say something that will enable you, as a grown woman that lets him "rent" space in your head to evict him once and for all.

 

figure out that you did nothing to deserve what he said and did. that he's (insert what ever diagnosis fits-mental, angry, flawed, mean, ignorant) dangerous and do your best to unload the heavy baggage that you're dragging around behind you.

 

it's slowing you down, it's useless, you're grown up, you don't need it. it does nothing for you except keep you thinking about him and blaming him.

 

your resentments(re feeling negative experiences/emotions) are like drinking poison and expecting you father to get sick.

 

it's over. let go, then move on. in that order.

[confused_gf]

With that type of experience you learn to live in fear, especially the fear of your own overwhelmingly negative emotions. It's definitely not a good situation for anybody to be in and it is completely unfair.

 

For me that whole package comes along with a lot of repressed emotions, mainly: disappointment, confusion, anger, and sadness. It makes you doubt your truest self. It leaves you feeling empty. You may have heard this before but emotions are things you can't really control, they come and go like waves. I feel like having love and acceptance in childhood gives you a leg up in the sense that you learn early on how to be a good surfer. You don't run from the wave (ie negative emotion) or try to stop it - you just kind of ride it out the best way possible. As cliche as it sounds - acceptance is the key part.

 

It's hard to feel like you have very little control, but that is life - it isn't always nice or fair is it? For me - the more people I try to throw in the mix, the more complicated it becomes. The people who never had a bad childhood just can't relate, the ones who can have deep issues that don't play nice with mine.

 

I guess the only thing I feel I can control is learning how to be myself in the middle of the chaos, my authentic self - no matter whats happening. every minute of every hour of every day. Whether that is deemed to be acceptable or not. I may not have gotten the acceptance I needed in childhood - but I can learn to accept myself for better or for worse. I can give myself permission to be flawed.

 

If other people/situations are triggering bad memories - try to figure out why. Did a person treat you like your dad did? Can you learn to stand up for yourself now that you are an adult and no longer under anyone's control? Can you relate to people in a healthy way? Just some thoughts I had after reading your original post - hope it helps.