Do certain people attract exes who stalk???

[surferchic]

Well, I don't think it is whom you "attract", it is whom you decide to get involved with. Key words: Decide to.

 

I mean, there are plenty of instances where someone can seem really nice and then somehow later on something flips this switch. Someone behaving badly is not "your fault" per se. But if almost every ex you have ends up stalking you, it might be your picker. Some women love men who come on fast and strong from the beginning and are just a bit possessive early on. Maybe that is you OP?

I appreciate this response because it allows me to be transparent in saying that you may be right @imajerk.

 

All of my exes have NOT been stalkers. However, almost all of them have been possessive...2 stalkers . I don't know how to be with a man who does not take charge, is not strong in his pursuit of me, waits for me to make contact or make moves... I end up feeling like he isn't interested at all.

 

Yes I have some childhood issues so im aware that my picker probably is off. But I'm probably a bit off considering issues that I'm working on.

 

I do NOT want to be alone or take a hiatus from dating . I did that about 5 months ago. I don't like NOT dating at all.

 

-->How does one work on their issues and not get rusty in the dating game?

[surferchic]

Typo: wet condom was on "my" car door handle.

 

(Wasn't allowed technical permission to edit it after my last post.)

[preraph]

I appreciate this post. I've had a stalker before and so I do realize what is considered stalking. My stalker was an ex. So he showed up on my patio in 30 degree weather at nite once i got home frim work, he was standing behind me in the grocery store when i turned around from looking at eggs...he called me repeatedly all day...then i had a wet condom on .your car door handle...then the kicker was him almost chasing me down on the road and runninglights to try and get me to stop, mind you I was just coming from my a girlfriend's house and riding in HER car.

 

All I'm trying to say is that I have gone out a few times with the guy in this thread. Since he waited for me I haven't actually seen him waiting for me anywhere. However I am piecing things together and listening to my gut. He switched his behavior ever since a day when I did not ask him to come with me to a fitness event that I do solo. After that day he has been contacting me regularly saying his misses me ...asking when he can see me again . I told him i wasnt sure. He replied within less than a minute "ok".

 

This is the same guy who tells me if he finds me talking to another man he would slash my tires. So yes I am pulling away from him but I can't call him a stalker until I SEE him following me or waiting for me somewhere....again.

 

I got a protective order for my ex who stalked me. So I have no problem doing that a day I'm not making excuses. I'm just using common sense. I can't get a protective order or call anyone a stalker if they get other people to follow me and I haven't seen him or them with my own eyes.

 

He threatened to slash your tires, so whether he is a stalker or not, he is dangerous and doesn't care if you know it! You definitely have no business continuing to see him! You must see that he is trouble. He had told you so. So yes, pull away from him and make him know that you will never be interested in him. Don't just dangle him and let him stay around becoming increasingly invested. He's less dangerous now than he will be in a week or a month. That's the way it works.

 

If you can introduce him to someone you don't like, maybe he would refocus. I know that sound bad, but I've heard of situations where the only thing that worked was getting them to refocus on someone else.

[WaitingForBardot]

He threatened to slash your tires, so whether he is a stalker or not, he is dangerous and doesn't care if you know it! You definitely have no business continuing to see him! You must see that he is trouble. He had told you so. So yes, pull away from him and make him know that you will never be interested in him. Don't just dangle him and let him stay around becoming increasingly invested. He's less dangerous now than he will be in a week or a month. That's the way it works.

 

If you can introduce him to someone you don't like, maybe he would refocus. I know that sound bad, but I've heard of situations where the only thing that worked was getting them to refocus on someone else.

I can't condone this. I would never direct someone I regarded as potentially dangerous at an unsuspecting third party, whether I liked them or not.

[surferchic]

I can't condone this. I would never direct someone I regarded as potentially dangerous at an unsuspecting third party, whether I liked them or not.

 

Totally agree with this.

 

But to preraph's point, yes I do see this guy as potentially dangerous by his comments. For some reason though I see it as a sick joke .

 

I've been seeing another guy already and my tires haven't been slashed. Obviously he's not stalking or at least not serious about the tires.

[surferchic]

He hasn't contacted me in the last 3 days, so I feel like he's falling back and gets the picture.

[thespacey1]

He hasn't contacted me in the last 3 days, so I feel like he's falling back and gets the picture.

 

That's good to hear. Although, I'd still err on the side of caution. As another poster mentioned in this thread ... a guy/person can appear as though they're backing off. While all along they're just watching from afar.

 

I'm not at all trying to scare you OP. I'm only sharing some things I know from experience.

[surferchic]

Yes I definitely plan on staying aware.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience @ thespacey1.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP the way to avoid having an Ex become a stalker after the relationship is to change how you choose to be in a relationship. Otherwise this will happen again.

 

For example, do you choose men who pursue you a lot in the start? If so then you are either:

 

Choosing men who already have a propensity to talk

 

or

 

Rewarding men for behavior that when you don't like them back will be interpreted as stalking by giving them a relationship for a time.

 

For the next man if you like to make them chase you, don't. Chase them back more. During the relationship always be very clear about your feelings and actions. Don't teach him that if he pursues hard enough he can win you over. Establish boundaries while in a relationship so you can both be your own people while being a couple.

 

When the relationship ends and you end it. Don't just distance yourself. If it has been a good long time, 6 months or more, have a break up talk in a place where you are both safe but which is neutral territory. i.e. A public place. You'll find most people while not happy about that will not be loud or physical. Then after this talk go NC and don't look back.

 

If after that he's enganged in an unwanted pursuit.. stay NC, doccument the contact, and for anything more than a text or email say an threat or showing up at your house report him. If he keeps on get a restraining order.

 

The key is to be clear and consistent. Don't do the following an Ex gf has done to me for years.

 

Don't send blank text and hangup calls of your own.

Don't do nice things for him / his family/ his friends.

Don't try to have physical contact with him while also telling him to stay away.

Don't hack his cloud and put yourself into his porno collection.

 

If you do those you can't call anything he does stalking.

All of those really happened to me. If the nice thing(s) she did weren't off the chart I'd want her in jail.

 

Edited to add: That was a bit harsh. However my story reveals one more point for the OP to consider. End it when you are ready to do more than distance yourself gradually. When you are to the point where you really never want to hear from them at all and are somewhat indifferent already then you won't care about hurting their feelings by a direct breakup. My own situation sort of ended due to graduating, moving, and not getting sick of eachother.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Mrlonelyone

[surferchic]

OP the way to avoid having an Ex become a stalker after the relationship is to change how you choose to be in a relationship. Otherwise this will happen again.

 

For example, do you choose men who pursue you a lot in the start? If so then you are either:

 

Choosing men who already have a propensity to talk

 

or

 

Rewarding men for behavior that when you don't like them back will be interpreted as stalking by giving them a relationship for a time.

 

For the next man if you like to make them chase you, don't. Chase them back more. During the relationship always be very clear about your feelings and actions. Don't teach him that if he pursues hard enough he can win you over.

Thanks. I appreciate your post.

 

Only thing is, I totally disagree with the chasing him. I will not chase a man .never have never intend to. The guy in this thread has not stalked be....To be clear..... he has made disturbing comments and initially waited about an hour for me until I came out of a restaurant, to ask me out and get my number.

 

Again.....I have filed a restraining order before. So I know what to do about that. I've gone out with another guy recently. My tires have not been slashed.

 

I don't think I reward guys for chasing. I don't think that's relevant especially considering that most men prefer to chase. And I agree with that preference.

 

Sorry to hear about your past relationship.

[surferchic]

I think part of this boils down to me either being just not that into the guy or just losing respect for a particular reason. Once I lose respect for a guy or don't trust him as someone SAFE then I pull away....no matter how far into the relaionship/dating/etc.

[preraph]

^ And that's a good instinct.

[surferchic]

I'm not over my ex yet. I feel like I have little purpose in life now that I'm single, didnt marry the man I thought I would, I've met no one else that I feel strongly about, if i like them they end up being just wrong for me, I have no kids... I feel doomed and like I've been cursed.

 

I said all that because I'm realizing I'm clueless about companionship or how to make it work.

 

I keep meeting men who are like my father...not good. That makes me sad.

[mightycpa]

Hey everyone. So I've recently started pulling away from a relationship that is not healthy. Hasn't become very deep but I can see already that's it's not for me.

 

I've posted about some of his words and actions in another thread. Since then and during that thread other little things have happened to make me feel really uneasy...like he's just the type who watches from afar/stalks to get the attention of an ex or to have some sort of power...whatever. I've had 2 stalkers before. Both were men I knew,i.e. exes.

 

Does anyone know what motivates a man(or anyone) to stalk rather than just verbalize how he feels in a safe /healthy way OR just accept that the female is leaving him alone?

Me! I've felt that need to physically stalk (hang out in my car in the parking lot to watch her come and go) and I'm not sure why. Even when I wanted to do it, it struck me as weird, as in, I really didn't WANT to, but it was a strangely compelling activity, and I'm pretty strong-minded. When I'd drive over to her house, I'd always get so far, then turn around. I've known weaker guys who actually did this. I've sat in the car with them to keep them from doing something even more stupid.

 

He's just struggling. Try not to be too judgmental and just go about your business. If he contacts you, blow him off, cruelly if need be. I think that's what he's looking for, a crushing of false hopes.

[surferchic]

I think that's what he's looking for, a crushing of false hopes.

 

Really? What makes you think this? Or you serious or being facetious?

 

Either way I appreciate your honesty.

[surferchic]

Me! I've felt that need to physically stalk (hang out in my car in the parking lot to watch her come and go) and I'm not sure why. Even when I wanted to do it, it struck me as weird, as in, I really didn't WANT to, but it was a strangely compelling activity, and I'm pretty strong-minded. When I'd drive over to her house, I'd always get so far, then turn around. I've known weaker guys who actually did this. I've sat in the car with them to keep them from doing something even more stupid.

 

Thanks so much for sharing this. Did you have reason to not trust that SO or were there other reasons?

 

I think many of us get that fleeting thought of wanting to watch a SO at some point. But like you said we don't act on the thought. One of my girlfriends is good for it. She would drive to his place, see if she could see his light on, she even checked a former coworkers email (she had a crush on him...to an unhealthy degree). I was with her once when she drove to an ex. And yes, I was like you ...helping. her to not do anything super crazy. As if driving over there wasn't bad enough.

 

I think for men though it may happen more often than not. Especially with men who are used to dealing with cruddy people or disloyal females.

 

This day and time, many men get other people to do their dirty work to ensure they dont get caught . This way they can say for sure they havent been following/stalking a certain female.

[muse08]

Thanks so much for sharing this. Did you have reason to not trust that SO or were there other reasons?

 

I think many of us get that fleeting thought of wanting to watch a SO at some point. But like you said we don't act on the thought. One of my girlfriends is good for it. She would drive to his place, see if she could see his light on, she even checked a former coworkers email (she had a crush on him...to an unhealthy degree). I was with her once when she drove to an ex. And yes, I was like you ...helping. her to not do anything super crazy. As if driving over there wasn't bad enough.

 

I think for men though it may happen more often than not. Especially with men who are used to dealing with cruddy people or disloyal females.

 

This day and time, many men get other people to do their dirty work to ensure they dont get caught . This way they can say for sure they havent been following/stalking a certain female.

 

You obviously have some experience with thease types of people/men. Use that experience to be smart....not impulsively or emotionally, but smart.

 

Each of our situations are different and none of us share every single nuance of our relationships. That little nuance, I feel, can be the difference between a smart move and not so smart move.