Initiating Divorce Anxiety

[Nocturnal]

So I have come to the realization that I can't pretend to love my relationship or my wife anymore. It's not that I have actively tried to be fake, I have made efforts to be a good husband. But over the years I have started to notice how I am living in a constant sense of limbo. There's no fire at all in our relationship, physically or otherwise.

 

These past few weeks some things happened that made me really get a good handle on my feelings and what I really feel. And I can no longer ignore the fact that life is running through my fingers like sand. I need to get a divorce.

 

The problem is, life as someone married is a big web. There are plans, finances, stuff. She is currently studying. Part of me feels like I should wait until she's done as to not upset her progress. Her mother turns 50 soon. Etcetera. But at the same time, every day I don't do anything is another day I am continuing living this weird limbo that is doing me no good. So I need some advice;

 

How do you deal with the anxiety of doing this? I have broken up with girlfriends in the past, but this is so much bigger. Just the mere thought of it sometimes makes me feel like I am getting dizzy. My entire body turns into fight or flight. And I am not sure what I fear most, the fallout of me opening up the conversation or that she might talk me down from jumping out of our relationship and I end up in the same dead routine again.

 

Maybe I've been deceiving myself for so long that it is turning into quite a shock to actually accept what I actually feel. I don't know.

 

Sorry if this was all an incoherent mess, but really, any thoughts you guys have would be super appreciated.

[minimariah]

Maybe I've been deceiving myself for so long that it is turning into quite a shock to actually accept what I actually feel.

 

^ this.

 

reading your old threads... you always knew that it won't work out - right...? think of it this way: it's hard now but it will get only harder in the future... the longer you stay, the harder it is to get out. you're probably afraid of the unknown, being alone, dating again, reaction of others, you probably feel bad about the fact that you failed at something... the list goes on.

 

BUT - the 1st step is always the hardest. once you get past that... it only gets easier and better. my advice - look for support, friends or family. confide in someone and come up with a plan. maybe even see a therapist to help you out with the exit strategy. make a plan: figure out where you'll live, what to do about the finances and so on... sit down with the wife, tell her and leave that same moment - do NOT STAY! find a place to be, pack the essentials and when she's home... tell her the truth. leave and go full NC, hire a lwayer and ask your friends to help you pack the rest of the stuff. it might sound douchebagy but seeing how dependent you are - it's the only way.

 

it's like breaking out of an addiction, that's why it seems so impossible and it's creating anxiety. it's not complicated at all, especially if you don't have kids - just leave. remove yourself from the situation, physically... then let the lawyers deal with the rest.

[Nocturnal]

Your comparison to addiction is pretty spot on. Though I am not entirely sure I have the means to do what all of what you suggest from a practical level. But I have considered trying to find another place, maybe with my family, to stay while the practical is figured out and I avoid falling into the trap of old habits. My hope is that I can get to keep our place (because I can afford it on my own and I just hate moving), but I figured I could get out of her way for a while for both of our sakes.

[PegNosePete]

See a lawyer.

 

Don't move out, especially if you want to keep your current place. Moving out would seriously compromise your position. This is the first thing a lawyer will tell you.

 

Nobody knows how divorce laws work until they have been there. Many people assume things and they are often wrong. Seeing a lawyer to discuss your own individual situation is the only sensible option.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry if this was all an incoherent mess, but really, any thoughts you guys have would be super appreciated.

 

Divorce is a big step, any change of that magnitude is scary. But not only is life slipping away from you, the false life you're living is depriving her of a real relationship. You're not doing either of you any favors by staying.

 

Unless there are mitigating factors like kids, I'd move quickly to get this done. And as PNP has advised, a lawyer is a necessary part of the process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

I think there are tons of men like you -men who want to divorce but are scared.

 

What usually stops them is money. They have to give up some money to the wife, so the stop dead in their tracks and stay in their marriage.

 

Some fear they will never find someone else.

 

Maybe this will stop you too?

[PegNosePete]

They have to give up some money to the wife, so the stop dead in their tracks and stay in their marriage.

Yes, but what they don't realise is that the longer they stay married, the more money they will have to give up! When it's apparent the marriage is over, better to do it sooner rather than later in most cases. There are exceptions of course which is where a lawyer comes in.

[Rouik]

My encouragement would be to stick it out, and let her know how you feel. If you don't tell her that your unhappy in your marriage she probably does not know it. In my own marriage I knew we were not the best in world but I had very little idea that my wife was ready to leave, she finally set me down and just told me how she felt. It took two really hard years and now we are in a much better place. Tell her what is going on, find some marriage counseling, and really put all your effort into making it work. I can tell you looking back it was completely worth the last couple years of work to get to where we are now. Good luck and I send my prayers and thoughts while you make some very difficult decisions.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I feel much like the OP except I have 2 teenage kids. I am scared to death of the day it happens. But like the OP I have been denying reality for a long time. My W has a good side and I know this will devastate her. My family, co-workers, etc love my W (and don't know her other side) and I worry about the impact that will have.

 

 

I guess I just need to read up on exit strategies and see a lawyer. At this point I don't care about financial impact. I will take care of kids and support her for a period of time.

[Miss Peach]

I was in your shoes in my marriage but I always worried about 'breaking apart my marriage'. Eventually he mistreated me so badly I had to leave. But if he hadn't I don't know if I would have walked away so easily.

 

Yes, but what they don't realise is that the longer they stay married, the more money they will have to give up! When it's apparent the marriage is over, better to do it sooner rather than later in most cases. There are exceptions of course which is where a lawyer comes in.

 

This is a good point. Where I live, the length of the marriage can determine whether there is alimony and whether it's a short time or lifelong. I know someone divorcing that was in your limbo state for two years and now he's just over the point of having to pay lifelong alimony.

 

In my case, since I was the higher wage earner, my XH filed for alimony and I had to pay it for awhile.

[MJJean]

I feel much like the OP except I have 2 teenage kids. I am scared to death of the day it happens. But like the OP I have been denying reality for a long time. My W has a good side and I know this will devastate her. My family, co-workers, etc love my W (and don't know her other side) and I worry about the impact that will have.

 

 

I guess I just need to read up on exit strategies and see a lawyer. At this point I don't care about financial impact. I will take care of kids and support her for a period of time.

 

Talk to a lawyer. Both you and the OP. You'll need to know what divorce entails in your state with your incomes and all that jazz.

 

In my state, a spouse isn't eligible for alimony until the marriage has reached it's 10th year. At that point, alimony is typically given for a set period of time and then it ends. At 19 years and 1 day, alimony becomes lifelong unless the spouse receiving alimony remarries.

[NHappy]

So I have come to the realization that I can't pretend to love my relationship or my wife anymore. It's not that I have actively tried to be fake, I have made efforts to be a good husband. But over the years I have started to notice how I am living in a constant sense of limbo. There's no fire at all in our relationship, physically or otherwise.

 

These past few weeks some things happened that made me really get a good handle on my feelings and what I really feel. And I can no longer ignore the fact that life is running through my fingers like sand. I need to get a divorce.

 

The problem is, life as someone married is a big web. There are plans, finances, stuff. She is currently studying. Part of me feels like I should wait until she's done as to not upset her progress. Her mother turns 50 soon. Etcetera. But at the same time, every day I don't do anything is another day I am continuing living this weird limbo that is doing me no good. So I need some advice;

 

How do you deal with the anxiety of doing this? I have broken up with girlfriends in the past, but this is so much bigger. Just the mere thought of it sometimes makes me feel like I am getting dizzy. My entire body turns into fight or flight. And I am not sure what I fear most, the fallout of me opening up the conversation or that she might talk me down from jumping out of our relationship and I end up in the same dead routine again.

 

Maybe I've been deceiving myself for so long that it is turning into quite a shock to actually accept what I actually feel. I don't know.

 

Sorry if this was all an incoherent mess, but really, any thoughts you guys have would be super appreciated.

 

I know exactly how you feel, but in my situation past abuse by my soon to be ex has made me numb (and emotional abuse, forgotten birthdays, etc) It sounds like you are not in a similar situation, but that the relationship just sort of died and you aren't dealing with the animosity. I think that happens to people from time to time, and some people decide to try and make it work, and it sounds like that is what you have been trying to do.

 

I am going through the same procrastination and anxiety, but in my case it's much worse- I'm stuck in a situation where I was abused, he controls my life and hacks my accounts- and we have kids. We ran a business together that he is leaving entirely on my shoulders to take a job without giving me even two weeks of notice. I'm telling you this because I'm trying to convey it could be worse. It could be a LOT worse. You could be me right now.

 

Life is too short to not be in love.

 

I would recommend letting her know how you feel, because I know from a woman's perspective I would never want to be in a relationship where the feeling weren't mutual without being told- that's not even a real relationship. But I also recommend doing what my husband is currently doing. Pass a lot of gas and stuff. It's making this whole scenario a lot easier.

[Nocturnal]

Thank tou all for your thoughts and advice. I'm not too worried about my own financial or material well being post divorce, more so my wife's ability to continue persuing her studies and future career path. I have a pretty good handle on the legal side of this, I mostly recently stress about the actual conversation.

 

So far I have begun to form some points worth saying, and they all explain my perspective without leaving room for "what ifs", I just need to really try and ignore the part of me that still value my wife as a friend and how much that side of me knows I will have to hurt her to do this for both of us.

 

But man, some days it feels like I am slowly riding up a really big rollercoaster and I get dizzy looking down. But I have put a time limit on this and begun telling friends so I feel like there's an outside source to keep me accountable and explain to if I fail to do this. In some ways, I feel like my friends will be life rafts when I throw myself off the ship that is this relationship.

 

Again, thank you for your thoughts.

[Nocturnal]

A semi-update and question; I have decided to have the conversation next weekend (not this week due to obligations we both have this weekend). However, either by me being close to deciding and as such have been acting differently unintentionally or wife suspects something either way, I find myself having a problem. She has in the last few days begun to get really affectionate and bordering on clingy. Maybe it's me reading into what would otherwise be a bit of a mood shift thing, but I cant shake the feeling she's sensing me pulling away and trying to drag me back in.

 

I don't want to end up in a scenario where it get blurted out during a phone conversation, but at the same time I don't feel comfortable being too affectionate back given what comes. It feels like lying, I suppose just being in the relationship is lying either way, but I cant lie to her face a week before I have her sit down for the talk.

 

Anyone had this problem, how did you handle it? Did you speed up your time table or did you just play along?

[LilyMila]

Next week, something else might come up. I am so tired of people who can't communicate for whatever reason and decided to make a unilateral decision of "I will divorce her/him when X,Y,Z are done". Meanwhile, you pretend, but do nothing to actually improve the marriage because the other person was in the dark and was not ever given a choice. Unless the relationship puts you in danger, there is no excuse for your lack of acion.

[Nocturnal]

It's not that simple. This weekend we're LITERALLY in different cities due to important business on our own ends. Furthermore, we are home at irregular schedules due to my shifts and her studies and seminars. The reason I have a specific time in mind is because it is a free weekend when there is time to have a civil discussion without me or her having to be out the door for something important in 5 minutes. I'm just trying to give it some respect.

 

Also, after 9 years together and a lot of soul searchin since new years, there is no "improving" on my lack of emotional attatchment. Our actual marital issues are insignificant and there is nothing she can actually do. Because I just don't love her, us or me in the relationship anymore. The relationship is stagnant and dead, but it isn't "bad" per se. I just don't have it in me. So, as said, I cant have her help improve something that isn't there.

 

Meh. I guess it will be a mess either way.

[Miss Peach]

I am going through the same procrastination and anxiety, but in my case it's much worse- I'm stuck in a situation where I was abused, he controls my life and hacks my accounts- and we have kids. We ran a business together that he is leaving entirely on my shoulders to take a job without giving me even two weeks of notice. I'm telling you this because I'm trying to convey it could be worse. It could be a LOT worse. You could be me right now.

 

FWIW your husband sounds a lot like my XH - he even hacked my accounts and impersonated me online. It took some strength but I still managed to leave mine.

 

Anyone had this problem, how did you handle it? Did you speed up your time table or did you just play along?

 

There's no easy way to say you're done but IMO it's better than being strung along.

[LilyMila]

I read your post from 2012. You have this fantastical idea of what love and marriage is suppose to be. Well, marriage is not suppose to feel like the first month of courtship and expect it to constantly have sparks and whatnot. If you do get a divorce, do everyone, including you a favorite of only pursue consensual casual relationships. Maybe your personality is not suited for life long commitment.

[Nocturnal]

I don't necessarily believe a commitment have to be life-long to be serious. I'm also not religious so in some way our marriage was mainly a legal union in case of death or children (mainly an agreement we had about potential kids last names). I can't do casual though, because I get too emotionally invested. But you're right, I may not be Mr. Forever, and I don't expect other people to be either, though there's certainly a lesson to be learned either way. Life is miserable as it is to also stick it out just because it is expected, I just wish I had realized what I was doing sooner. I'm sorry if my way of dealing with this is bothering you, but what can I say, we're all different bags of experiences and behavioural patterna.

[minimariah]

Meh. I guess it will be a mess either way.

 

^ indeed. one thing... stop trying to wait for that right & perfect moment. no such thing. you can't avoid the W's emotions - but right now you need to be focused on YOURSELF; it is what it is. you need to be your own priority and you've been unhappy in this marriage for YEARS --- it's BEEN over for a loooooong time. remember: delay is the deadliest form of denial.

 

also - you probably are Mr.Right but you're with the wrong person. been there, done that. your wife probably ticks all the boxes but you're simply not in love with her, not happy with her. she's just not your match, that's all --- happens every day.

[Nocturnal]

Hey all, it happened tonight. I drove her home from her weekend away and when we got home I made the jump to have the conversation. It was devastating for her as I figured, she was trying left and right to find an angle to knock my logic off it's feet and tried to barter with the situation. But I kept steady, let her talk and ask questions and replied to them all to the best of my ability while remaining steadfast that I wasn't going to change my decision. But I wanted to make sure she understood and could vent anything, even anger if she so pleased.

 

We've decided to split apart amicably, I'll help her furnish her new place because neither of us really want to pull lawyers or family into this mess as we both care for each other on some level. She knows that me being the one with the expensive hobbies (and a full time job) are out of luck if a lawyer comes in and split our belongings (and finances) by monetary value. In fact, I would not get all of my stuff and still give everything in our apartment to her (and half my savings). But we're both reasonable people. I agreed to help her get a foothold without having to end up in a bad apartment with no furniture and she agreed not to go after my hobbies with a lawyer.

 

It was a mess of tears and questions abound. But in the end, I know I did the right thing. I know I am doing the right thing for both of us.

 

Thank you all for taking the time to read, reply and even critic my ways. It's been a learning experience for sure. And for anyone out there that's on the edge and have a hard time doing, just do it for the love of all that is good. The relief I feel now is immeasurable, I feel like I am floating, like a big rock was liften off of my shoulders. It's still sad and I feel mean for doing this, but I am so happy I did all at the same time.

 

Thank you.

[PegNosePete]

She knows that me being the one with the expensive hobbies (and a full time job) are out of luck if a lawyer comes in and split our belongings (and finances) by monetary value.

Umm. I think you are misunderstanding what a lawyer does here. What you're describing is the job of a judge in a court of law.

 

A lawyer gives advice to an individual. If you see a lawyer then he will advise you what the best outcome is, what you should aim for, what you should and shouldn't agree to. He has a legal duty to get the best possible outcome for his client, which is YOU. That is YOU the individual, not "you" plural meaning you and your wife. He will not give things to your wife! He will not take away your stuff or cut anything in half!

 

It always makes sense to at least SEE a lawyer for advice, especially since many do a FREE initial consultation. It costs you nothing, and you gain knowledge, there's really no down side to that. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you'll be retaining one, doesn't mean you'll be fighting, doesn't mean you'll be splitting all your worldly goods in half. It just means you're asking a professional for advice. That's all.

[Miss Peach]

OP - FWIW, many of the family law attorneys I consulted with after my divorce were quite fair to both sides. They mainly told me about the laws and what the judges in the area are likely to rule as. I agree with the PP it's worth finding out your rights even if you choose not to split things monetarily as 50/50.