8.5 months pregnant by MM, no contact, crazy feelings.

[Wildflower201]

I've been a long time lurker, but I've reached a point with those close to me that I guess they don't want to talk about certain things anymore. I understand that. Hopefully someone can maybe understand here. I'll attempt to be brief.

 

I've known MM for 24 years. I'm young, so it's been the majority of my life. He was my best friend, we fell in love very very young. I didn't know it, but he had been cheating since very early on. We broke up and got together several times, and he would rotate between me and his now wife.

 

His wife found out several times that he was cheating (even before they were married), yet she stays.

 

He hid getting married from me while we were seeing each other, and I had to find out from family members. When confronted, he said he wanted nothing to change. I went into deep depression, but we began an affair.

 

I got on antidepressants, went to therapy and started trying to wean myself off of him after two years in the affair. He was against me being in medication, and convinced that we could make things better within the affair. I was not, and had been working to be free.

I would ask the same questions over and over, if we would ever be together, if we were just wasting time. Should I be with someone else? He would never really answer. He would tell me that he didn't love his wife, and that he was forced to marry her. His family never wanted us together, and they told him that he would be disowned if he married me. They've done lots in the past to sabotage our previous relationship, and the one time that MM attempted to cut all ties with his wife so we could be together, his family and hers held an "intervention" for him.

 

I got to a point that I just wanted him to tell me that we would never be together and that he loved his wife so we could just be done. But he refused. He still does. I never understood that.

 

Over the summer he disappeared on me for a whole week. I asked him to just end it, but received no answer. So I started to try to gain closure on my own. By the time he returned, I found out I was pregnant. He pushed for an abortion, but told me that he would respect any decision I made. Yet he offered a real relationship for us if I got the abortion. I knew it was lies. I know him well, and he lies so much. I genuinely didn't want an abortion. So I told him no. Things got ugly, and he belittled me and cursed at me, etc. That lasted a while. Throughout the pregnancy he has been up and down emotionally, I've only seen him twice since I started showing because he didn't want sex with me anymore after that point.

 

I went no contact originally in November, and he didn't want that, so he began sending messages about three weeks into NC. He began to be more sensitive and caring, said he wanted us to be a team and do all of this together. He wanted to be close and work on different issues that we had. The whole thing was confusing to me and I didn't feel us being close was wise. He pushed and was persistent so I went along. Things were okay for a while. He promised to tell his family at the beginning of the year, and his wife. When that time came he disappeared on me again. Which he agreed not to do. When he came back around, he was a different person. He said he told his family but wouldn't tell me anything that took place, and said that he would only visit the any when he was born with his wife. When I said she couldn't come, he flipped out on me again and told me that this is what would happen and he didn't care how I felt. I told him that when the baby is older he could have visitation and have her there as much as he wanted, but he said he never wants to take him. He said that I'm not being cooperative and because I won't work together with him and his wife and be a team (the three of us), that he won't see the baby at all. He would fight with me constantly and accuse me of being the problem, so I stopped talking to him entirely. In my last message I told him that we have no reason to talk if he won't be there for the baby. He sent an email begging me to not throw away all we have built.

 

He has been awful to me, especially through this pregnancy, but I miss him at times. I'm very confused and nothing that's happened has made sense.

 

 

There have been a lot of concerns about his mental stability from my family, and people who know him well.

[somanymistakes]

Thank goodness you didn't let him pressure you into an abortion! There is no way he would actually have given you a 'real relationship' afterwards, it would have been devastating.

[goodyblue]

Oh my god. I don't know how in the world you are handling this. If I were you I would never talk to him. You need to be carrying for yourself and getting treat for baby. Make that the focus.

[Wildflower201]

Thank goodness you didn't let him pressure you into an abortion! There is no way he would actually have given you a 'real relationship' afterwards, it would have been devastating.

 

For a while I thought maybe doing that huge thing would help him make up his mind, but I couldn't bear the thought. Then when I thought of how much he lies, I didn't trust his word. He felt betrayed that I wouldn't do it.

[Wildflower201]

Oh my god. I don't know how in the world you are handling this. If I were you I would never talk to him. You need to be carrying for yourself and getting treat for baby. Make that the focus.

 

Not well, honestly. My pregnancy is high risk and I've been hospitalized a lot, but my family has been helpful. I probably should have stopped talking to him a long time ago, but I didn't think that things would get so much worse. I'm trying to make the baby my only focus, that's good advice. Thank you. I want him to be healthy and happy.

[BuddyX]

Do you know for a fact his wife knows of the pregnancy?

[Wildflower201]

Do you know for a fact his wife knows of the pregnancy?

 

No, he never explicitly said that he told her. Just that he wants them both to come visit the any when he is born and that his family is imploding. I kept asking what did he say to her and what happened, but he wouldn't say. Its probable that he is lying about that too.

[PinkElephants]

When I said she couldn't come, he flipped out on me again and told me that this is what would happen and he didn't care how I felt....but he said he never wants to take [the baby]. He said that I'm not being cooperative and because I won't work together with him and his wife and be a team (the three of us), that he won't see the baby at all.

It sounds like he's trying to make visitation sound intolerable so you get upset and he can cast you as an unreasonable nightmare. Then he can get out of parental responsibility and blame you for it even though he's already stated that he doesn't want to take the baby for visits.

 

I'm willing to bet his wife doesn't know. I bet he's trying to make things so tense between you two that he can throw his hands up and say "fine, my wife and I are out!" and he can avoid ever telling her.

 

Do you have plans for custody or financial support?

[elaine567]

I am in the camp who thinks hie wife knows nothing here.

He is panicking big time, hence the "mental instability".

 

YOUR focus needs to be on your child and bringing up a child needs money so whilst you may indeed want to cut him off (if he is going to continue being stupid about the whole thing), you need to make sure he pays for his child.

 

If you are going to be "a team" then surely you need to speak to his wife... Ask for her number...

[freengreen]

Its been a roller coaster to you. He is such a scum bag but why are you still lingering over him, let it go. With him, I suspect it will only be south from here.

 

Theres a life awaiting to depend on you. Leave everything that brings you down because you have to stand strong. Read on custody and child support and try bring a bit of help to yourself that way.

 

Hugs. Stop giving power to him.

[Midwestmissy]

I know he's legally obligated to support the baby, but if you don't need the money, a complete clean break and nc might be a good option. I may be way off here, but he sounds like a train wreck and a colossal liar. Assume everything he says is a lie and see a lawyer.

[BaileyB]

He sounds like a really horrible man, and he's treated your very badly. Protect yourself and your child from this man.

 

Take care of yourself and your baby now. Best wishes for a healthy delivery.

[BTDT2012]

I got on antidepressants, went to therapy and started trying to wean myself off of him after two years in the affair. He was against me being in medication, and convinced that we could make things better within the affair. I was not, and had been working to be free.

I would ask the same questions over and over, if we would ever be together, if we were just wasting time. Should I be with someone else? He would never really answer. He would tell me that he didn't love his wife, and that he was forced to marry her. His family never wanted us together, and they told him that he would be disowned if he married me. They've done lots in the past to sabotage our previous relationship, and the one time that MM attempted to cut all ties with his wife so we could be together, his family and hers held an "intervention" for him.

 

That non-answer was your answer. Him staying with his wife is your answer.

 

It is way past time for you to focus on yourself and the baby that you are carrying. Love yourself and your baby. Cut this scumbag out of your life. File for child support after the baby is born. Wishing you much luck in the future.

[Wildflower201]

It's really hard to just face value accept that someone I've known so long is so awful to me. But he has been more awful than good for so long. It feels like giving up on him, but I won't put him before the baby. Thank you BaileyB for the positive wishes.

 

Midwest Missy, you are not far off at all. I've just recently learned to assume he is lying. As far as child support, I would rather have a harder time caring for the baby than deal with all of the craziness with him.

 

Freengreen, it'd be so much easier to just let it go if I hadn't known him so long....And if it weren't so confusing. I've been forcing myself to just drop it every time I start trying to figure it out again, because I know what you're saying is true. I've been googling excessively about visitation and child support, and court just seems like it would be a mess, so I have just decided to forge ahead on my own thus far. Hugs are needed! Thank you.

 

Elaine567 and PinkElephants.... such an elaborate ruse to convince me he has told her or to get out of the responsibility seems crazy to me. It did seem as though he was trying to upset me, and I just wanted to figure things out. It's unnecessary. I knew he wanted the abortion, and I told him that I would raise the baby on my own and he could go. I know about child support, but I wouldn't have forced anything on him. I know some of my family has found that to be foolish. Why not just say, hey I don't want to do this, and go?

 

Elaine567, the thought of calling his wife and trying to tell her all that's taken place is sickening. With all of his lies, I don't know what she thinks has happened or is going on now. He would never give me her number. The last time that the three of us had a conversation......It was like nothing I've ever experienced. He literally lied back and forth, it was like a robot malfunctioning.

 

Right now, my plan is to let him completely off the hook if he has no interest in being there. I've told him that, but he keeps making things difficult anyway, but not for any reasons that make sense to me. What you guys said about him just panicking would make sense. It really sucks to just have to have the baby and see what happens. I'm hoping if I just leave him alone, he will leave us alone. Thank you guys for your input. It's helpful.

[BuddyX]

Think long and hard before you say no to $$$. He's technically on the hook.

Plus, also ask yourself; are you saying No, because you're still hoping you guys end up together?

 

Personally, I would ask for support. My mom raised me by herself. Do I have a good relationship with her? Nope. She spend most of her time working non stop.

[Steen719]

I strongly agree with getting support from him. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe support is independent of visitation. In other words, he can, if he decides to, have visitation with your child even if he doesn't pay child support. This may not sound likely at this moment, but what is to say that in the future, this might indeed be his decision? You must protect yourself and your child. There is no guarantee that if he doesn't support your child that he won't be back to see him.

 

BuddyX's mom had to work all of the time. I'm sure you don't want to spend your child's life in that way. This MM has a responsibility towards this child, just as you do. Do not let him slither away.

 

Relationships (and especially screwed up relationships) make our emotions go over the place and often when we look more dispassionately at our situations later, we wonder what in the heck we were thinking when we review our decisions. I sure wish I had made some different decisions that were based on pragmatism rather than emotion. Being pregnant must intensify that for you. I remember being "emotional" during pregnancy.

 

Best of luck to you in your pregnancy. Please make him take responsibility for this.

[Wildflower201]

Think long and hard before you say no to $$$. He's technically on the hook.

Plus, also ask yourself; are you saying No, because you're still hoping you guys end up together?

 

Personally, I would ask for support. My mom raised me by herself. Do I have a good relationship with her? Nope. She spend most of her time working non stop.

 

I haven't thought about it for very long, nor have I had a lot of peace to think clearly about things. I can say for sure that my decision about child support is not because I'm not hoping for us to end up together. It's because it's very clear that he doesn't want this baby, if it had been up to him the baby would have been aborted. So I feel it's unfair in a way to force him or hold him to a choice he didn't make...even though he said he would support me either way. I kind of feel like it's my fault the baby is still alive against his wishes? He feels forced to do a lot of things, and I didn't want to force anything with the baby.

 

I know a number of moms who see their children for a couple of hours a day because they support their children alone, and I would never want that. I'm sorry that your relationship with your mom was like that. My mom was always working too. My older sisters were my saving grace. I don't want to give my baby less in order to make life easier for MM.

 

It's strange. I didn't want to be seen as that woman who is trying to take him for whatever I can get, or trying to hold on to him. I wanted him to be able to go on with his life if that's what he chose.

 

Steen, yes visitation is a separate thing. I figured if he wants to visit, or he decides that he does want to be involved, that I could start child support at that point? I'm not certain how difficult that would be vs. starting child support on its own as soon as the baby is born. I agree, we do share the responsibility, but I feel guilty for keeping the baby when I know that he wanted me to abort. It feels wrong to force responsibility. I know its a risk we both took, and it wasn't purposeful, but I really struggled with keeping the baby against his wishes. That makes it harder for me to hold him responsible.

 

I am emotional, and it just makes everything more difficult. I guess I can't be sure if I am being pragmatic until after these hormones stop. There are so many decisions and I want them to be based on the right things. It's really hard. Thank you for the well wishes.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Wildflower201

[BTDT2012]

I haven't thought about it for very long, nor have I had a lot of peace to think clearly about things. I can say for sure that my decision about child support is not because I'm not hoping for us to end up together. It's because it's very clear that he doesn't want this baby, if it had been up to him the baby would have been aborted. So I feel it's unfair in a way to force him or hold him to a choice he didn't make...even though he said he would support me either way. I kind of feel like it's my fault the baby is still alive against his wishes? He feels forced to do a lot of things, and I didn't want to force anything with the baby.

 

I know a number of moms who see their children for a couple of hours a day because they support their children alone, and I would never want that. I'm sorry that your relationship with your mom was like that. My mom was always working too. My older sisters were my saving grace. I don't want to give my baby less in order to make life easier for MM.

 

It's strange. I didn't want to be seen as that woman who is trying to take him for whatever I can get, or trying to hold on to him. I wanted him to be able to go on with his life if that's what he chose.

 

Steen, yes visitation is a separate thing. I figured if he wants to visit, or he decides that he does want to be involved, that I could start child support at that point? I'm not certain how difficult that would be vs. starting child support on its own as soon as the baby is born. I agree, we do share the responsibility, but I feel guilty for keeping the baby when I know that he wanted me to abort. It feels wrong to force responsibility. I know its a risk we both took, and it wasn't purposeful, but I really struggled with keeping the baby against his wishes. That makes it harder for me to hold him responsible.

 

I am emotional, and it just makes everything more difficult. I guess I can't be sure if I am being pragmatic until after these hormones stop. There are so many decisions and I want them to be based on the right things. It's really hard. Thank you for the well wishes.

 

He is a grown a $ $ man. Sex has the potential to create life. Did the two of you ever discuss your beliefs regarding abortion?

[somanymistakes]

Unless the pregnancy was a freak accident (like, if you were on birth control AND he was wearing a condom, and they BOTH went wrong) he has every responsibility for the life he helped create, whether he wanted you to keep it or not. He knew the risks and chose to disregard them for his own pleasure. He clearly thinks he can have whatever he wants...

 

If it truly was a ridiculous freak accident i might feel slightly guilty about holding him to it but otherwise no. If he didn't want to risk a pregnancy he could have done more on his part, could even have gotten a vasectomy, he's not a clueless teenager.

[noelle303]

Ok, in 2009 I got pregnant by a MM and decided to keep the child, he wanted me to get an abortion.

 

He was furious at my decision to continue the pregnancy, it was a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and arguments and after realizing that I can't make him be a father and also that with him in our lives, me and the baby will not have stability, I ended contact. I gave birth on my own, he did not try to reach me, he wanted nothing to do with us and I decided that my own peace and my baby's peace are more important than money. I was and still am able to support my daughter on my own.

 

Now, regardless of that, I still always recommend women to seek child support unless they fear it would bring more harm than good. If you are able to settle with your MM that he provides a monthly payment, and he agrees, I would suggest you do that. The money is not for you, it's for your child.

 

Visitation and child support are two different things, however, if he is paying child support, he does get visitation rights/custody and it's up to him whether he would seek those rights and use them.

 

Personally, I would not be comfortable with visitation unless his wife knows and there's no secrecy/hiding.

 

For what it's worth, my xMM did come around when our daughter was 5. He now pays child support and has regular contact with her, every other weekend. I allowed it, I think my daughter deserves to know her father, it was only important to me that he truly wants to be in her life and is able to provide stability and put her needs first.

[sandylee1]

I honestly think your child is better off not knowing a cheating manipulator for a father. I can't imagine what values he has to pass on after the way he's conducted his life.

 

Although I'm aware the pressure in some cultures to marry a particular person is immense. Is he from an Asian background by any chance?

 

For the sake of your health, block him and focus on your baby.

[BaileyB]

I agree, if he made the decision to have an affair and engage in a sexual relationship with you... he now deserves nothing more than to accept the consequences of that decision. It's called integrity. He should be paying you child support, regardless of whether he decides he wants visitation with your child.

 

As my mom would say, if you play, you pay... When he decided to have unprotected sex, he knew that one of the risks was unplanned pregnancy. Now, it's time for him to accept the consequences of his decision.

 

Best wishes with your delivery. Take care.

[summerdowling87]

Just think of this when he tries to come back.I've known so long is so awful to me. But he has been more awful than good for so long.

[summerdowling87]

I honestly think your child is better off not knowing a cheating manipulator for a father. I can't imagine what values he has to pass on after the way he's conducted his life.

 

As a child of this I couldn't agree more. My father never changed.

[Wildflower201]

That little baby is now a bit over a year old, and things are so much worse. Worse than I thought that they could have been. Everyone was right. When he came back around, it was not about our son. It was about him wanting to pick our affair back up.

 

He has been inconsistent. The majority of our son's first holidays were awful. He wasn't there for his first birthday.

 

After almost a complete year of him seeing me and our son in secret, I came to find out that his wife still did not know that the paternity test had been done. She found out when my son was supposed to go to his grandparents' house for the 4th of July.....it exploded from there. I found out how deep the lies went....and my God, I had no concept. It was disturbing. He pretended that he hadn't ever met our son. Our son calls him dada and knows him very well. It was insane witnessing him pretend to not know us...and pretend he had nothing to do with me.

 

Our conversations before that day had been about him not wanting to be married and being sure that he had made a mistake. He told me that he wanted to marry me.

 

After the explosion that followed, his mom tried to attack me in a parking lot. His brother bruised my ribs. MM messaged me a few days after with a billion apologies. He swore that he would never hurt me again. He reduced our communication to emails for reasons that were b.s., but he sent me apologies every day.

 

After telling me how he couldn't live without me, he disappeared. That was several days ago. I let it alone at first. But then I messaged him and asked the million questions that I had. What does this mean for us? For our son? He said that everything he told me hadn't changed (him loving me, not wanting to be married, etc.) but that he HAD to do this. He would give me no real reason other than that he HAS to do this. So I don't know.

 

I know searching for answers is just a rabbit hole. But I can't help it. How can he have spent time with our little one and just throw him away? When I told him that literally three days ago he said that he could never leave me....he said "I know and I'm sorry". I just don't get it. My family will only really talk with me about being prepared for the next time he comes around. But I'm not concerned with that. I just don't get how he can just do that. Flip like that.

 

I have been working on counseling, but with a little one, I don't have time for extra things. It's hard enough. I guess if you guys could provide some insight, it would be helpful.