8.5 months pregnant by MM, no contact, crazy feelings.

[BTDT2012]

Has you child's father ever provided any financial support for your son? If you truly believe that cost of pursuing child support though legal means outweighs the benefit, don't do it. I do believe he should be on record as the legal father.

 

 

 

Concentrate on making a better life for you and your son. Don't spend any more time trying to figure out MM's thoughts and motivations. I wish you all the best.

[whichwayisup]

All of the above is true. I don't know how to accept responsibility and push through the negative feelings I now have about myself. Between feeling stupid and weak.....feeling like I'm delusional because I believed the words he said and stayed where I was even when his actions contradicted them.....feeling like I don't actually deserve anything...that I'm somehow not good enough because he has known me for so long but after we officially broke up he never saw me as worthy of a relationship again. Feeling desperate...I've had a lot of days where I just felt like I shouldn't exist. Everyone looks at him like its normal and its fine. I'm the defective, wrong part in all of it....and it makes me feel like I deserved the way he treated me. Just not our son. He doesn't deserve that and he is literally the only thing keeping me going.

 

Gently I say this, please do counseling. You need to gain self love, self confidence and self respect. Find a therapist or life coach that you connect with and trust so you can fix you and be the best woman and mom. You are worthy of love and happiness, just not with ones who are married, especially this one..He's toxic!

 

Rely on those who do care about you, friends and family.

[Wildflower201]

He messaged me, and I answered. He didn't mention our child, at all, even after I asked. He just regurgitated the same dialogue from before, adding emphasis to the fact that he would come back if I said the right things. He had been sending something every couple of days, but he hasn't this time.

 

I talked to my sister about it, and she said that the things that he is saying combined with what he is doing...that it's maddening. It is making me insane.

 

He says I am going to follow through on my decision, but you are still the only person I don't lie to. He still loves me, he would be back in a heartbeat if I said that I needed him or want him. He tells me that he knows that I don't want to be a mistress anymore and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

 

I just don't understand why he can't just say, hey I lied about everything, I don't really love you. Why say hey I have to do this, but if you tell me these things I will come back, I meant all of what I said. Why make it harder for me to move on?

 

It's gutting me. It is driving me nuts. He doesn't want me to hate him, but why does that matter if he is ending things between us for good?

[BaileyB]

A man who truly loved you wouldn't do this to you...

[Wildflower201]

I said that to him Bailey B. I said that. It makes no difference to anything. Love is not even a real thing to me anymore.

 

I told him that he has to hate me. There is no explanation for why he would do all these things.

[BaileyB]

I said that to him Bailey B. I said that. It makes no difference to anything. Love is not even a real thing to me anymore.

 

I told him that he has to hate me. There is no explanation for why he would do all these things.

 

The explaination is, he loves himself more.

 

As for you, the explaination is - you continue to wait for him, to put him ahead of your own wellbeing. If you didn't, you wouldn't take his calls and you wouldn't allow him to jerk you around like this. You would tell him to take a hike with his false promises, once and for all..

[BTDT2012]

The only thing you should be willing to hear from him is the amount of child support he plans to send for his child.

[Wildflower201]

The explaination is, he loves himself more.

 

As for you, the explaination is - you continue to wait for him, to put him ahead of your own wellbeing. If you didn't, you wouldn't take his calls and you wouldn't allow him to jerk you around like this. You would tell him to take a hike with his false promises, once and for all..

 

I've decided that I am going to go no contact on my end. He pretends to want no contact but doesn't block anything and contacts me when he feels like it. He won't care about me or our baby, and contacting him is making nothing better.

 

The only thing you should be willing to hear from him is the amount of child support he plans to send for his child.

 

He has never done more than buy him some diapers or a few outfits. That was sparingly. I don't expect any unforced contributions from him.

[bathtub-row]

Spending your time trying to figure out why he does what he does is how he keeps you hooked in this relationship. Stop trying to figure it out because you can't. You don't think like him and you can't get inside his head. All you can do is look at the result of what he does. He hurts you consistently. That's all you need to know. He hurts you and, when people do that to you, you need to remove them from your life.

 

You also think you can say just the right words in just the right way and then it will suddenly open his eyes and he'll understand how he's hurting you. The truth is, he already knows, and he knows that playing these cat-and-mouse games with you keeps you involved.

 

The one who really needs that light of understanding is you. That may surprise you but it's the truth. You simply cannot see this man for who he is because you continue to hang on to the hope that the person you think he is will suddenly emerge. The person he is is right in front of you - he's the guy who doesn't give a damn about his kid, who's dismissive and arrogant. The person he is is the guy that continually confuses and hurts you. Again, that's all you need to know.

[whichwayisup]

I've decided that I am going to go no contact on my end. He pretends to want no contact but doesn't block anything and contacts me when he feels like it. He won't care about me or our baby, and contacting him is making nothing better.

 

If you mean NC then mean it! Block him and make it impossible for him to reach out to you. This back and forth will continue on for as long as you let it. If you truly want it over and for you to begin to heal, hold yourself accountable and stick to NC. Get counseling to help you through this too.

[Wildflower201]

Spending your time trying to figure out why he does what he does is how he keeps you hooked in this relationship. Stop trying to figure it out because you can't. You don't think like him and you can't get inside his head. All you can do is look at the result of what he does. He hurts you consistently. That's all you need to know. He hurts you and, when people do that to you, you need to remove them from your life.

 

You also think you can say just the right words in just the right way and then it will suddenly open his eyes and he'll understand how he's hurting you. The truth is, he already knows, and he knows that playing these cat-and-mouse games with you keeps you involved.

 

The one who really needs that light of understanding is you. That may surprise you but it's the truth. You simply cannot see this man for who he is because you continue to hang on to the hope that the person you think he is will suddenly emerge. The person he is is right in front of you - he's the guy who doesn't give a damn about his kid, who's dismissive and arrogant. The person he is is the guy that continually confuses and hurts you. Again, that's all you need to know.

 

My sister says the exact same things. I know that they're true. Sad, painful, but true.

 

If you mean NC then mean it! Block him and make it impossible for him to reach out to you. This back and forth will continue on for as long as you let it. If you truly want it over and for you to begin to heal, hold yourself accountable and stick to NC. Get counseling to help you through this too.

 

I guess an update. I've been no contact for a couple of weeks now. I blocked him on everything, although I am pretty sure he wouldn't have reached out anyway.

 

I haven't started counseling yet, just try to get through every day. Some days are good, some days are really bad. My family doesn't feel like I'm healing fast enough. It's just difficult. Thank you guys for all of your advice.

[Vivir]

Wildflower, NO ONE can tell you how to, or for how long you should or will, grieve!

 

Think of all that you have been through. You have a right to feel your feelings and process them... and it may take a good long while to process everything and then consistently feel good on a daily basis.

 

Try not to take this personally. Unless you have been stuck in one place for many years, it is normal for you to feel pain and sadness over what has happened. People are uncomfortable, and therefore impatient, with those who are grieving... what has been said to you has been said even to those whom have lost loved ones to death. For instance, my aunt thought I should've "gotten over" the sudden death of my mother after three short months! Preposterous!

 

Try not to take it personally, Wildflower. I'm sorry, but you may find that you will often times grieve alone. And this will seem very bad...

BUT...

You may find that these lonely times have helped you learn to lean on yourself more, thus increasing your self-confidence through your self-compassion.

 

In my book, that would be a silver lining in these gloomy clouds over your head.

 

(((Wildflower)))

Hugs to you, Wildflower.

[stillafool]

My sister says the exact same things. I know that they're true. Sad, painful, but true.

 

 

 

I guess an update. I've been no contact for a couple of weeks now. I blocked him on everything, although I am pretty sure he wouldn't have reached out anyway.

 

I haven't started counseling yet, just try to get through every day. Some days are good, some days are really bad. My family doesn't feel like I'm healing fast enough. It's just difficult. Thank you guys for all of your advice.

 

Why haven't you started counseling yet? That will be one of the first steps to feeling better and regaining your self esteem. You've already blocked him so that's a good start. Stop loving a man who doesn't even love his child. Your child deserves better so stand up for him not this man who doesn't care about either of you. He just wants to start an affair again because he knows you are weak for him and he gets off on it. That's not love.

[Vivir]

He just wants to start an affair again because he knows you are weak for him and he gets off on it. That's not love.

 

Nope, that isn't love. It is an ego boost. In fact, it is an ego boost he may return again and again to try to get.

[Wildflower201]

Wildflower, NO ONE can tell you how to, or for how long you should or will, grieve!

 

Think of all that you have been through. You have a right to feel your feelings and process them... and it may take a good long while to process everything and then consistently feel good on a daily basis.

 

Try not to take this personally. Unless you have been stuck in one place for many years, it is normal for you to feel pain and sadness over what has happened. People are uncomfortable, and therefore impatient, with those who are grieving... what has been said to you has been said even to those whom have lost loved ones to death. For instance, my aunt thought I should've "gotten over" the sudden death of my mother after three short months! Preposterous!

 

Try not to take it personally, Wildflower. I'm sorry, but you may find that you will often times grieve alone. And this will seem very bad...

BUT...

You may find that these lonely times have helped you learn to lean on yourself more, thus increasing your self-confidence through your self-compassion.

 

In my book, that would be a silver lining in these gloomy clouds over your head.

 

(((Wildflower)))

Hugs to you, Wildflower.

 

Thank you Vivir! I try to keep my feelings to myself or journal, but when I'm around others, no matter how much I try to hide my sadness, it's evident.

 

I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I cannot imagine. Getting over my grandmother's recent death was hard, and it honestly does feel similar. It feels like mourning. It's just mourning someone who chose to leave.

 

That's been the hardest part, feeling like I'm doing it alone. You guys are a big help to that. I'm grateful.

 

Why haven't you started counseling yet? That will be one of the first steps to feeling better and regaining your self esteem. You've already blocked him so that's a good start. Stop loving a man who doesn't even love his child. Your child deserves better so stand up for him not this man who doesn't care about either of you. He just wants to start an affair again because he knows you are weak for him and he gets off on it. That's not love.

 

Nope, that isn't love. It is an ego boost. In fact, it is an ego boost he may return again and again to try to get.

 

Stillafool, I haven't started counseling yet because honestly I don't leave my house. I'm having trouble bathing and grooming myself. I am doing fine not contacting MM. That's no longer the issue.

 

I don't think loving him anymore is either.

 

The most I can do is take care of my son, and I work from home so I do that. My job only requires my recall of policies, so I can do that on autopilot.

 

I don't know if he thought it was love or not. He said it was, but I'm positive it doesn't matter at this point. He's gone.

 

Lately I've been focused on getting rid of the part of me that believed him. Why was I foolish enough to think that it was true? Why did I hold to it? Why was I loyal? Why am I so naive and stupid? Why did I think he was any different than all the stories here of the MM? In three days it went from "I'll never leave you" to "Goodbye". Why did I take anything he said to heart? Why did I think it meant anything?

 

My inability for whatever reason to understand that people pretend to have all these feelings has made me feel like I am not wise enough to negotiate life. I've known him all my life. He was my first friend. He made me believe things that just aren't true and I just couldn't believe that the was a liar. If I had truly believed that it was all a joke or a game to him, I never would have done it.

 

Something is wrong with me and I don't have the motivation to go and do counseling at this point. I am doing the bare minimum at this point as far as life is concerned. I've turned off my cell service so that people cannot reach me. I just want to withdraw, and stay away from MM and protect my baby.

[BTDT2012]

Something is wrong with me and I don't have the motivation to go and do counseling at this point. I am doing the bare minimum at this point as far as life is concerned. I've turned off my cell service so that people cannot reach me. I just want to withdraw, and stay away from MM and protect my baby.

 

 

Withdrawing does not protect your baby.

[Wildflower201]

Withdrawing does not protect your baby.

 

This is my third abusive relationship, and it's the end of a back and forth that has been going on for a really long time. Withdrawing keeps me out of situations with people that I shouldn't trust or love. I can get back to some form of normalcy, and there won't be anyone in his life that would treat him like he doesn't matter.

[BTDT2012]

This is my third abusive relationship, and it's the end of a back and forth that has been going on for a really long time. Withdrawing keeps me out of situations with people that I shouldn't trust or love. I can get back to some form of normalcy, and there won't be anyone in his life that would treat him like he doesn't matter.

 

 

This is all the more reason to get some help for yourself. You have learn

 

to make healthy choices in order to teach your son to do the same. Everyone is not evil. I do think it would be wise for you to keep away from any intimate partner relationship until you get your head together.

[Wildflower201]

I know that is a wise choice, and I will start therapy soon. I will never enter into another intimate relationship.

 

I'm having serious depression related issues, and I was wondering how often those involved in affairs end up suicidal. The MP lies to the AP then drops them or ghosts them with no concern or care and helps the BS deal with the pain. The AP is left to try to sort through everything alone. It's been devastating for me. Just wondering if I'm alone in that.

[whatcomesnext]

You’re not alone in that Wildflower. I was abruptly discarded and it led to severe depression and suicidality. I had to start going to IC twice a week - prior to this experience I never had a need for IC even once a week. I’m sure there are many factors personal to each individual and their history that makes it harder or easier to cope.

[Noproblem]

I know that is a wise choice, and I will start therapy soon. I will never enter into another intimate relationship.

 

I'm having serious depression related issues, and I was wondering how often those involved in affairs end up suicidal. The MP lies to the AP then drops them or ghosts them with no concern or care and helps the BS deal with the pain. The AP is left to try to sort through everything alone. It's been devastating for me. Just wondering if I'm alone in that.

 

I just think you shouldn't feel remorseful or guilty or anything at all.

Forget about the fact he was married or anything.

You had a bad relationship and now you are lucky that you were not stuck in that relationship for the rest of your life

 

Forget about being the other woman, the whatever you people call it.

 

You were in love, and that guy hurt you, you had a beautiful kid, and that is the gift that life gave you in exchange for that bad apple it threw at you.

 

Just forget about the pain, the humiliation, the guilt, the love, and move on!

You have to move on!

for the sake of your baby!

 

Suicide for this, no no no, you are still young and life is hiding so many stuff for you, many of them will be beautiful and make you happy. ( even if you were not young, the life still has so many beautiful things for you)

 

If you ever felt suicidal, call somebody who understands and listens. Call specialists, whatever you do, don't give in to these negative thoughts.

 

I have advised you before to move to another city because when you start new, you can really start all over again and design a life that was not written to you, but you said you have family support where you are.

 

I am afraid so many people know of your past relationship and they will always remind you of that past when you are trying to forget it and move on.

 

As for the intimate relationship, it's not that a big of the deal, if you keep yourself busy, you won't have time to think of relationships.

 

Are you taking good care of your health? Do you go to the gym at least 3 times a day, if you don't please start going. This will relax your mind and keep you healthy mentally and physically!

[Vivir]

I thought about you today, Wildflower, and about your situation. I said a little prayer when

came on with the title like your username. I found this song to be comforting when I was in a similar pain like the one you're experiencing. I really do hope you are making it through, day by day, if for no other reason than your baby needs you and loves you.

 

I agree with what Noproblem wrote below:

 

 

You were in love, and that guy hurt you, you had a beautiful kid, and that is the gift that life gave you in exchange for that bad apple it threw at you.

 

Just forget about the pain, the humiliation, the guilt, the love, and move on!

You have to move on!

for the sake of your baby!

 

Suicide for this, no no no, you are still young and life is hiding so many stuff for you, many of them will be beautiful and make you happy. ( even if you were not young, the life still has so many beautiful things for you)

 

If you ever felt suicidal, call somebody who understands and listens. Call specialists, whatever you do, don't give in to these negative thoughts.

 

...

 

I am afraid so many people know of your past relationship and they will always remind you of that past when you are trying to forget it and move on.

 

I know it is hard to do. And it will take Time to work through your thoughts and feelings. You have to be patient with yourself, Wildflower. You deserve the love you gave to this man. You and your baby deserved it the entire time.

 

I wish I could give you a hug.

 

And, no you are not the only one on this forum who has experienced suicidal ideation. Most of us have discussed it only briefly, but it is definitely there. I think we feel that if we actually talk about it, then we have to confront the fact that it is there and that it is not just a thought...that it is real. And if it is real, then we have to do something about it. And that can be scary.

[stillafool]

I know that is a wise choice, and I will start therapy soon. I will never enter into another intimate relationship.

 

I'm having serious depression related issues, and I was wondering how often those involved in affairs end up suicidal. The MP lies to the AP then drops them or ghosts them with no concern or care and helps the BS deal with the pain. The AP is left to try to sort through everything alone. It's been devastating for me. Just wondering if I'm alone in that.

 

No you are not alone in this as this is typically what happens to women who enter an affair with a married man. They never grasp that if he is cheating and lying to his wife; he will definitely do the same to them.

 

I think it's a good idea to withdraw from men and concentrate on your baby and improving your mental health. You cannot withdraw from the world as you do need to work and take care of business for your child. Your child has to be your number one focus and not the married man. You have to get help or whatever to put thoughts of MM behind you so your baby can have a healthy, happy mother.

[misspalmy]

if u still pregnant and keeping the baby can u pm me please. im the same.

[misspalmy]

my mm wanted to get me pregnant again