8.5 months pregnant by MM, no contact, crazy feelings.

[Normm]

Withdrawing does not protect your baby.

 

 

If done soon enough it can prevent more of them from happening.

[BTDT2012]

If done soon enough it can prevent more of them from happening.

:laugh::laugh:

[Wildflower201]

I just think you shouldn't feel remorseful or guilty or anything at all.

Forget about the fact he was married or anything.

You had a bad relationship and now you are lucky that you were not stuck in that relationship for the rest of your life

 

Forget about being the other woman, the whatever you people call it.

 

You were in love, and that guy hurt you, you had a beautiful kid, and that is the gift that life gave you in exchange for that bad apple it threw at you.

 

Just forget about the pain, the humiliation, the guilt, the love, and move on!

You have to move on!

for the sake of your baby!

 

Suicide for this, no no no, you are still young and life is hiding so many stuff for you, many of them will be beautiful and make you happy. ( even if you were not young, the life still has so many beautiful things for you)

 

If you ever felt suicidal, call somebody who understands and listens. Call specialists, whatever you do, don't give in to these negative thoughts.

 

I have advised you before to move to another city because when you start new, you can really start all over again and design a life that was not written to you, but you said you have family support where you are.

 

I am afraid so many people know of your past relationship and they will always remind you of that past when you are trying to forget it and move on.

 

As for the intimate relationship, it's not that a big of the deal, if you keep yourself busy, you won't have time to think of relationships.

 

Are you taking good care of your health? Do you go to the gym at least 3 times a day, if you don't please start going. This will relax your mind and keep you healthy mentally and physically!

 

 

Thanks, NoProblem. It isn't easy to take care of my health. I dance. I used to teach. It's my only real exercise and it does help.

 

I have been trying to focus on just moving on. I stop myself from trying to figure it out...figure him out, and I just try to accept that he is gone.

 

I am finding out that I have less family support than I thought. That hurts almost as badly as everything else. I'm planning to move, but I have to save money.

 

 

I thought about you today, Wildflower, and about your situation. I said a little prayer when

came on with the title like your username. I found this song to be comforting when I was in a similar pain like the one you're experiencing. I really do hope you are making it through, day by day, if for no other reason than your baby needs you and loves you.

 

I agree with what Noproblem wrote below:

 

 

 

I know it is hard to do. And it will take Time to work through your thoughts and feelings. You have to be patient with yourself, Wildflower. You deserve the love you gave to this man. You and your baby deserved it the entire time.

 

I wish I could give you a hug.

 

And, no you are not the only one on this forum who has experienced suicidal ideation. Most of us have discussed it only briefly, but it is definitely there. I think we feel that if we actually talk about it, then we have to confront the fact that it is there and that it is not just a thought...that it is real. And if it is real, then we have to do something about it. And that can be scary.

 

The song is beautiful Vivir, and of course I cried. Thank you.

 

I wake up everyday for my baby. His needing me is the only reason I'm here.

I am definitely taking it a day at a time. It's all that I can do. When I think ahead I get overwhelmed and I break down.

 

No you are not alone in this as this is typically what happens to women who enter an affair with a married man. They never grasp that if he is cheating and lying to his wife; he will definitely do the same to them.

 

I think it's a good idea to withdraw from men and concentrate on your baby and improving your mental health. You cannot withdraw from the world as you do need to work and take care of business for your child. Your child has to be your number one focus and not the married man. You have to get help or whatever to put thoughts of MM behind you so your baby can have a healthy, happy mother.

 

stillafool, I am doing better not focusing on him. It's just more sadness in general now. I guess some of us want to believe that we're special. Well, he actually said I was. I guess I wanted to believe him when he said it to me.

 

I just file it all under lies at this point. My perspective has definitely changed. It's easier to just see it all as fake and push it aside now.

 

if u still pregnant and keeping the baby can u pm me please. im the same.

 

misspalmy, I honestly can't really help. I can't even help myself at this point. Don't have anymore children by a married man. Please. It has brought so much devastation.

 

If done soon enough it can prevent more of them from happening.

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

I come here when getting through life is hard for me. The days where I can't justify staying alive by myself. The days that I want to reach out to him. The days I feel especially worthless. Can you do this elsewhere?

 

I know the anonymity of the internet makes it easier to be insensitive, but I'm literally typing with tears in my eyes. Have some respect. This is my life and it isn't a joke.

 

I'm having a really down day. MM's entire family has just moved on like our son doesn't exist. All these people who've met him.

 

It's gotten quite cold where we live. How do you just not care if your son has a coat...or if his basic needs are satisfied? How do you just erase him?

 

Me, okay. I was just used and discarded. It's not wanting him to come back. I am just wondering how you just throw away human beings.

Edited October 12, 2018 by Wildflower201

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks, NoProblem. It isn't easy to take care of my health. I dance. I used to teach. It's my only real exercise and it does help.

 

I have been trying to focus on just moving on. I stop myself from trying to figure it out...figure him out, and I just try to accept that he is gone.

 

I am finding out that I have less family support than I thought. That hurts almost as badly as everything else. I'm planning to move, but I have to save money.

 

 

 

 

The song is beautiful Vivir, and of course I cried. Thank you.

 

I wake up everyday for my baby. His needing me is the only reason I'm here.

I am definitely taking it a day at a time. It's all that I can do. When I think ahead I get overwhelmed and I break down.

 

 

 

stillafool, I am doing better not focusing on him. It's just more sadness in general now. I guess some of us want to believe that we're special. Well, he actually said I was. I guess I wanted to believe him when he said it to me.

 

I just file it all under lies at this point. My perspective has definitely changed. It's easier to just see it all as fake and push it aside now.

 

 

 

misspalmy, I honestly can't really help. I can't even help myself at this point. Don't have anymore children by a married man. Please. It has brought so much devastation.

 

 

 

 

 

I come here when getting through life is hard for me. The days where I can't justify staying alive by myself. The days that I want to reach out to him. The days I feel especially worthless. Can you do this elsewhere?

 

I know the anonymity of the internet makes it easier to be insensitive, but I'm literally typing with tears in my eyes. Have some respect. This is my life and it isn't a joke.

 

I'm having a really down day. MM's entire family has just moved on like our son doesn't exist. All these people who've met him.

 

It's gotten quite cold where we live. How do you just not care if your son has a coat...or if his basic needs are satisfied? How do you just erase him?

 

Me, okay. I was just used and discarded. It's not wanting him to come back. I am just wondering how you just throw away human beings.

 

Please take him to court for child support

[BTDT2012]

I come here when getting through life is hard for me. The days where I can't justify staying alive by myself. The days that I want to reach out to him. The days I feel especially worthless. Can you do this elsewhere?

 

I know the anonymity of the internet makes it easier to be insensitive, but I'm literally typing with tears in my eyes. Have some respect. This is my life and it isn't a joke.

 

 

I sincerely apologize for making you feel worse. Your life is not a joke.

 

 

 

And I would urge you to file for child support as it appears you are struggling to provide for your son.

[Wildflower201]

Please take him to court for child support

 

I sincerely apologize for making you feel worse. Your life is not a joke.

 

 

 

And I would urge you to file for child support as it appears you are struggling to provide for your son.

 

Thank you for apologizing BTDT.

 

I know the advice about child support comes from a good place, it's just that his family....scares me. I would never admit that elsewhere. Them physically harming me doesn't seem far fetched to me or to others that know the situation. He used to be a bit of a buffer before. He isn't now. Child support would make more waves.

 

Yes I need the help. I know that. These people are nuts though.

[BaileyB]

 

I know the advice about child support comes from a good place, it's just that his family....scares me. I would never admit that elsewhere. Them physically harming me doesn't seem far fetched to me or to others that know the situation. He used to be a bit of a buffer before. He isn't now. Child support would make more waves.

 

Kind of makes you wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea to get involved with him in the first place...

 

Seriously, reread what you just wrote. In the moments that you want to reach out to him - reread that passage and hopefully it will bring you back to your senses.

 

Do what you have to do to keep yourself and your child safe. At this point, it sounds like that is FAR, FAR, FAR away from the child's father.

[Wildflower201]

BaileyB, have you ever witnessed a person do something awful and had trouble....settling it with yourself??

 

In the beginning, I didn't truly understand who they were. There were a few stories I'd heard, but that was it.

 

I now KNOW awful things that him and his family have done, but the cognitive dissonance is out of control, honestly. So many people that I know see his family as this standard of perfection. I am seen as the problem, the defective woman who lured their son/brother/husband and bewitched him. So many people believe that they are good people. They've done things that have made me question what evil really means.

 

There are others who know who they really are and those people have made contact with me. But honestly, they've created such a dialogue of me being the issue, even saying some things to me...making it seem as though the issue was my interpretation or my personal experiences or problems...that I have trouble clearly recounting it. My sister re-grounds me at least once a week. Helping me understand that it isn't me, that I didn't imagine it, I'm not crazy, and that this family has been trying to hurt me and I have to stay away from them.

 

How can they seem so normal? How can he have acted as though we meant so much and it evaporates??

 

It makes me feel like a child not being able to really fully accept that this who they are. I have never been able to be that type of person, who pretends, so I just avoid it all.

 

I don't understand. I'm just me, all the time. I have to look out for people who are hiding disturbing things and for whatever reason, that part of me is missing.

[BaileyB]

BaileyB, have you ever witnessed a person do something awful and had trouble....settling it with yourself??

 

In the beginning, I didn't truly understand who they were. There were a few stories I'd heard, but that was it.

 

I now KNOW awful things that him and his family have done, but the cognitive dissonance is out of control, honestly.

 

Sure, I have. I understand, it's hard sometimes to reconcile who you think/hope someone is, with the image they work to project, with their actions.

 

But, as the brilliant Maya Angelou so beautifully said - "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them."

 

I hope you are able to keep your distance and stay safe Wildflower. I hope you find your strength and you are able to make your peace with the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Don't try to figure out crazy and what goes through their minds. Those people have no morals, no compassion and have a messed up way of dealing with things. As you said, you now know all this and for your own safety and peace of mind, stay as far away from ALL of them. Block them on all social media.

 

Forget child support, at least in the near future. Focus on healing and being the best mom to your baby. Rely on trusted friends and family who you know love and care about you and will have your back.

 

You can do this on your own. You don't need his craziness and the rest of his family trying to hurt you.

[Wildflower201]

BaileyB and whichwayisup, I hope this finds you both well.

 

I had been doing pretty well keeping my distance, well, actually I still am doing well with that, despite MM's family shenanigans.

 

The holidays have always been hard since this whole affair thing began. I found out through family members that my son's dad is not attending his family's celebrations to avoid possibly seeing our son. Our son wasn't going to attend anyway, but disconnects keep him from knowing that.

 

I don't want to be around him, and I'm honestly relieved most of the time that he doesn't want to be around. Yet, it still hurts. He is definitely showing me who he is, and I believe it. It's just sad.

 

Anyone else experiencing anxiety anticipating the holidays? It's a different pain than the one from before, when we didn't share a child, but it still stings.

 

Thank you guys for all your advice. Your time, your compassion. I snuggle my little boy tighter every time I'm reminded of the family that doesn't want him.

[bathtub-row]

If you can find a way to manage it, try to stop letting yourself get sucked into the drama of your son's dad and his family. In the great scheme of things, it's not relevant to your happiness, nor to the life and love you can give your son.

 

When I was a single mom and dealing with a difficult ex, I reminded myself that I had my own home and space, I had my own special relationship with my son. What my son's dad did with his son was his thing. It made no difference to me. I also reminded myself that I was just one person and that I couldn't be all things, I couldn't control all things, and I couldn't make the world a perfect place for my son. But, the truth is, I didn't need to. He learned quickly that the world isn't a perfect place and he's good with that. He's an adult now and has told me numerous times that my love for him has been his rock and lifeline. He knows that, even though I won't spoil him, I'll move heaven and earth to help him. He knows he can always turn to me.

 

You can be that touchstone in your son's life. I'm not going to tell you that it's easy but I will tell you that you simply can't let yourself crumble. You have a human to raise and he depends heavily on you. But, if you think about it, is there any other job more worthy of your time, years, and attention? It'll take a lot of your energy but the end result is priceless. I am so proud of the son I raised and while I know I didn't do it all on my own, I had a huge hand in it and he has a mom that loves him immensely. There's no bond like that. But my son was never aware of my fears, tears or weak moments. I was a parent to him - a parent he could lean on. That means a lot to a child. More than toys and money. It'll turn him into a strong person.

 

So, if I were you, I'd stop giving these people your attention. They're side issues. Non-entities. If they don't want to be a part of your son's life, then so be it. Love him, make the best decisions you can, and give him the best life you can. Stop trying to fix everything and everyone else. Stop revisiting the affair and stop beating yourself up. Learn to appreciate your own value and be happy in the moment.

 

P.S. Sorry about the 'thumbs down' symbol at the top of my post. I hit something by accident and don't know how to get rid of it. LOL!

[Wildflower201]

I'm just having a hard day. A hard time. I started to text exMM. Financially, the holidays....our son's second birthday is coming up. I'm just having a really hard time. I do not really want to contact him....out of fear of rejection and out of fear of us reuniting. I miss him....the good him, sometimes. I want him to care about us. Even just our son would help.

 

I know he's toxic. I know I don't really want him in my life. I know it's just right now that it's hard. But I so badly want to reach out.

 

I came here instead.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I quickly read your first post back when you were pregnant to get a sense of your story. How long has it been since you were in contact with him? The holidays can be tough, I’m not surprised you feel the urge to contact him. Keep coming here instead. He sounds awful.

[Wildflower201]

Hi, and thank you Notadaygoesby. It's been radio silence since mid-August. I know he's awful....and it sounds dumb, but I guess I forget sometimes.

 

I try to ground myself when I feel this way, but I'm just overwhelmed today and I can't.

[AmyHershaw]

Sorry you're going through this, it's a terrible feeling missing someone even though they were unkind to you. I've had a similar experience with my ex, who was sometimes warm to me then would be horrible the next minute, it is better to keep your distance from someone like that as it can have negative affects on your confidence and mental wellbeing. Do come on here whenever you feel the need to share your feelings, I've found it beneficial. Stay strong!

[Wildflower201]

Thank you Amy. It helps to know I'm not alone. I definitely have experience with him but blowing hot then cold. It really messes with a person's head and it's just unkind at the very least. I don't understand that kind of love.

 

I know I should stay away, you're 100% correct on that. I'm trying to. It's really difficult.

[Abetterme]

I’m very sorry to hear today has been harder than most. I read your prior thread and can’t imagine what you have been through. I admire your strength to stay non contact for your health and your sons. You can do this. Don’t contact him. I’ve only been no contact for a week and had a down day too. It motivates me to read all these stories of women here who despite tremendous struggle, have come out the other side and have peace. I hope you are open to the possibility of a real man coming into your life. We get rid of crap and the universe has a way of bringing things into our lives we don’t think possible. You can do this! Wishing you and your son happy holidays.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Like Abetterme said, come here and read old threads to gather others’ wisdom and to know you aren’t alone. I’m sure you can find many people who were in a similar situation. Good for you for maintaining NC this long. Keep going. Make a list of all the reasons why you need to be NC so you don’t romanticize him (your toddler is the best reason of all). Think of what the most likely scenario would be if you contacted him, based on past behavior:more hurt.

[DKT3]

Thank you Amy. It helps to know I'm not alone. I definitely have experience with him but blowing hot then cold. It really messes with a person's head and it's just unkind at the very least. I don't understand that kind of love.

 

I know I should stay away, you're 100% correct on that. I'm trying to. It's really difficult.

 

The hot and cold is what gets you attached. When it's good you want him, when it's bad you want him more, you try harder to get him to want you back.

 

I think you should stop separating the good him vs the bad him. The truth is any man who goes from August to December without contact with a child is all bad. Focus on that, focus on the kind of man who would abandon his child.

 

You can do it.

[awkward]

I haven't read your entire thread but from what I have read I can tell you've been through a lot.

 

You need to put yourself first. Just force yourself to make the first counseling appointment. And then keep it. It will give you a safe space to talk about your feelings without being judged. You will be stuck in this same place of hating him and loving him until you push yourself off the ledge. By next Christmas, you will be in a much better place.

 

You're a loving mother. You need to get yourself emotionally healthy not only for yourself but your son. One day this loser will barely cross your mind.

 

Take care of yourself. Look in the mirror and see that you are a good person raising this beautiful child alone. Tell yourself that you love that person in the mirror more. Be proud of yourself that you've maintained no contact.

 

Also, please don't give his family another thought. In time, some of them will want to be a part of your child's life. It will be up to you to decide if that would be healthy for your son. Clearly right now it's not.

[georgia girl]

I am not sure if this helps you, but when I had an ex-boyfriend I struggled to get over, this game me the clarity I needed...

 

The hot/cold and push/pull has another name: intermittent schedule of reinforcement. It’s what causes obsessive behavior. In rats, the experiment is done by training the rat to push the bar and receive a treat. Each time the rat pushes and gets a sugar pellet, he is rewarded. Gradually, you can decrease the amount of sugar pellets awarded and increase the number of times a rat has to push the bar to get the treat. What happens? The rat becomes more obsessive and pushes the bar more and more.

 

As humans, we do this too. That’s why slot machines are so popular. We are literally pushing a button to get a reward.

 

What happens is that the schedule of intermittent reinforcement is so powerful, that we trick our own minds - particularly when it comes to love. So, we talk ourselves into pushing the bar and we get an unrealistic “high” when we receive an award. When the relationship ends, we want to still push the bar and get the reward. That’s when we lie to ourselves about how good the relationship was, how much we need it back, etc.

 

When people talk about coming out of the affair fog and some people describe that they didn’t even know why they were in the affair and/or they don’t recognize the person the were in the affair, I often see that as very true. They weren’t making rational decisions but suspending those decisions because this intermittent reinforcement - this system of actions which sometimes yielded rewards - is so powerful. It’s no longer about the person or the relationship, but about the reward.

 

In your case, OP, I think it is just withdrawal at an emotional time of the year. It’s also exacerbated because of MM’s disregard for the most important human in your life - your son. But you and he are truly better off. He is so well-loved by you and that’s what he truly needs.

 

Enjoy seeing Christmas through your child’s eyes. And maybe after the holidays, you could start dating but choose only men that your son would be able to love as much as you.

 

Hugs to you!

[AmyHershaw]

Thank you Amy. It helps to know I'm not alone. I definitely have experience with him but blowing hot then cold. It really messes with a person's head and it's just unkind at the very least. I don't understand that kind of love.

 

I know I should stay away, you're 100% correct on that. I'm trying to. It's really difficult.

 

You're welcome, hun. You're definitely not alone. Unfortunately, there are some horrible individuals in the world and it can be difficult spotting them, mainly the people who act like they're the nicest person in the world when you first meet them then they show their true colours after a while. You just need to remember it is nothing to do with you, those are the people who don't get far in life, people will see them for what they are. It does cause a lot of confusion when someone is sometimes kind to you then they are saying or doing what they can to hurt you the next minute. My ex used to claim he has ADHD and that was the reason he was how he was, but there is absolutely no justification for that sort of behaviour. I can't comprehend people who act that way either. If you truthfully love someone then you'd never do anything to hurt them.

 

Avoiding him will be challenging, but it's lonelier being with someone like that than it is actually being on your own. You're worth more than that.

[Wildflower201]

I'm so grateful for the advice I get here. Despite the situation, you guys have been helpful, wise and compassionate. I want to start by saying thank you. All of your words and your time are so valuable to me.

 

After my last post, I broke. I contacted him and spoke only about our son. He rejected everything I said. He was rude, cold and dismissive. He said if he had any questions or concerns about our son that he would let me know. When I continued on to say that he hasn't had anything to do with our son, he said "let's not do this". So I told him I was leaving it alone, and I have done that. He still hadn't inquired about our son AT ALL since August. .until.....

 

My son's birthday is very soon. MM's parents want to attend. I personally invited no one else from their family.

 

I received a message from MM at 3a.m. this morning that I didn't even open. The only things I can read are the subject which says "Birthday Plans" and the first line that says "Is there anything I can help with?"

 

My impression is that it's only to save face and to bait me into talking. I threw up not long after seeing it. My head is still.....out of sorts. I don't believe there would be anything genuine after the birthday party is over. Any thoughts?

[BaileyB]

I'm so grateful for the advice I get here. Despite the situation, you guys have been helpful, wise and compassionate. I want to start by saying thank you. All of your words and your time are so valuable to me.

 

After my last post, I broke. I contacted him and spoke only about our son. He rejected everything I said. He was rude, cold and dismissive. He said if he had any questions or concerns about our son that he would let me know. When I continued on to say that he hasn't had anything to do with our son, he said "let's not do this". So I told him I was leaving it alone, and I have done that. He still hadn't inquired about our son AT ALL since August. .until.....

 

My son's birthday is very soon. MM's parents want to attend. I personally invited no one else from their family.

 

I received a message from MM at 3a.m. this morning that I didn't even open. The only things I can read are the subject which says "Birthday Plans" and the first line that says "Is there anything I can help with?"

 

My impression is that it's only to save face and to bait me into talking. I threw up not long after seeing it. My head is still.....out of sorts. I don't believe there would be anything genuine after the birthday party is over. Any thoughts?

 

I’m sorry, this must be terribly difficult for you.

 

I personally, would respond with a very simple - “No, thank you. There is nothing for you to help with...” and I would not invite him to the party. He doesn’t get to treat your son so badly, and then show up as the proud father for the party. Not in my world anyway...

 

Hugs.