Wife Cheated and Wants a Divorce, Need Guidance!

[Batman57]

Hi,

 

New here, obviously. I desperately need help and I feel in order to receive the help I need I have to explain everything in somewhat good detail -- I apologize in advance for the length. I'm really hoping I can get some solid advice here because I feel like even though I have a big picture plan (work on myself, spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally), I'm lost when it comes to the smaller stuff.

 

A little over a year ago I started to slide into depression. I didn't lose my job, but I lost my position and was transferred to a desk that did not require much work or thought. I went from a demanding job in the field helping people all day long to the mundane existence of answering a couple emails each day. Without going into detail about the position, let me just say I worked for a decade and had a lot of training and education that went into this position. I took pride in what I did and identified with it. That could be part of my problem, but I suppose that's something for me to work on. I should also add that I was not underperforming or being punished, it was just a numbers game and I drew the short straw. For what it's worth I can't leave the company for another few years without serious repercussions, so I'm kind of stuck for right now in this unfulfilling work situation. Add to that my dad having a stroke the summer before from which he hasn't recovered and can't even talk or communicate.

 

At the same time my wife who works at the same place (in a totally different department on the other side of the city) ended up getting moved to a very very demanding position requiring lots of travel and long hours. She tried to help me with my situation and was unable to, she felt I blamed her for my problems and expected her to fix it, and she felt helpless to pull me from my depression. Meanwhile our sex life suffered from my depression, I was on autopilot and did not put the effort into it I should have. In her view I only cared about my own sexual fulfillment and not enough about hers. She's not wrong, but it's not that I never cared about her getting an equal amount out of it, but she continued to tell me everything was fine and I was self-absorbed and stressed about my own issues.

 

At the end of the summer she had a short affair with a co-worker, it happened twice. I found out the day before we were supposed to go into counseling for our existing issues. She agreed immediately to a no-contact letter, she has been extremely remorseful, she believes she is a monster, she thinks what she did is worse than murder because she's essentially getting away with it, she is more spiritual than I am and has had a hard time coming to terms with what she did with respect to her relationship with God, and she has also had a hard time coming to terms with her relationship with herself. I believe 100% the affair is over and her mother and step-mother have also reiterated this. She got close to someone at work, started living in la-la land, went to a big work party (with tons of alcohol) while she was traveling, and screwed up big time. And then she tried to convince herself she was in love and that she wasn't a monster and they tried it a second time and realized it was a terrible mistake. She realizes how terribly stupid she was and how completely wrong she was.

 

I found out the night before we had scheduled counseling anyways, I was so upset and didn't know who to talk to -- I cried, I yelled, I threw a glass across the room (not at her), I collapsed to the floor. But I didn't want any of my friends to have a lesser view of her because everyone loves her. She is a great person. After I found out she said that she had told her mother. So I called her mother that night and talked to her. I told my wife I would see her at counseling the next day and went to bed alone. We went to counseling two days in a row and then it was the weekend, I told her she could have the house and the dog for the weekend and that I was going out of town and wanted her to be gone by the time I got back on Sunday.

 

She spent the weekend cleaning the house and putting up a Christmas tree and trying to make everything nice for me. She left a note apologizing and saying she understood if I wanted to throw the tree out. We went to counseling four days in a row that next week. I had spent the weekend extremely angry and drinking with friends in another state. I never told them what was going on, but I am not an angry drunk and I ended up throwing a glass across a bar. I am not proud of this. A week into it I had been trying to read some eastern philosophy and the bible and I had really been digging into the topic of anger and how to handle it. I made a conscious decision that I did not want to be angry. Of course I couldn't just turn it off, but I did my best to avoid bringing anger into the counseling sessions -- she was being harder on herself than I ever could be and being pissed wasn't going to get us anywhere. I tried explaining this in counseling but I know she still doesn't quite understand or appreciate my thoughts on this. In some kind of screwed up way I think she wanted me to show anger for longer. I could sit here and get angry about it right now, but that will not help anything.

 

About a week into it I also decided to ask her out on a date. I got cleaned up, brought her a rose, took her on a date. It was weird but we made the best of it. We tried going out several days in a row and about once or twice a week after that. Some dates were better than others and we were really taking on way too much too early, but...hindsight. I also asked her to come home after about a week and she said she felt it wasn't the right time. She continued to say this for weeks.

 

We went to counseling once a week until mid-January. We also would go to church together and try to go on the dates. She went home to visit her family over the New Year (something we have always done together) and asked me not to come because she feared if we spent too much time together it would be too stressful and force us to the brink. Meanwhile, we were not really getting much out of counseling. The counselor was spinning our wheels, she would ask us to go home and do homework (like each of us come up with a list of good and bad things we remember from our relationship) and the next time the counselor wouldn't even remember it or bring it up. We were talking and being extremely kind with each other but we weren't getting anywhere in counseling.

 

Outside of counseling we were trying to email each other and talk about things but I think we did more damage than good. Add to that her mother trying to manipulate each of us and adding extra damage and it was all too much. Her mother's side of the family put a ton of pressure on her to stay with me and work through it. Her father's side just wanted to support both of us in as neutral a way possible. I did not tell her family at all, this was all my wife's doing. My wife also told me on multiple occasions that she wanted me to have a support system during this because she knew I couldn't really do so with my family and didn't want to involve my friends.

 

Anyways, there was a lot of pressure on her from her family, from work, from the counselor, and from me. It was too much. She got back from visiting her family, we had one good counseling session where we took control of the session and were able to start talking about pre-existing intimacy issues...I was hoping the next week we would pickup where we left off, but the counselor had told my wife she needed to commit to the process of counseling. She also told my wife she needed to "stop taking her temperature everyday" when it came to my wife's feelings of attractiveness toward me. My wife said she loves and cares for me deeply but doesn't feel in-love or passionate for me anymore. The counselor told her it wasn't just going to reappear one day that it was a longer process through which we reconnected.

 

It was all too much, I think, and the next week my wife came in and handed me a three page letter asking for a divorce. She wanted to bolt but the counselor asked her to stay. I tried to be very understanding and calm. I told her I disagree very much with her decision but love her anyways. I had also come with a letter that took ownership of a lot of my problems and told her how much I care for her and want to work things out. She told me she wanted me to email her with any questions or whatever that I might have. She also said her step-mother had flown in to be there to support me.

 

Step-mom has been great and was here for a week. She has really dedicated herself to helping both of us in as neutral a way as possible. She got me eating and exercising again, she talks to both of us pretty much every day. She wants to help us both heal and if we can one day come back together great and if not, she still loves both of us. This is a stark contrast to mom who has been trying to manipulate her daughter the whole time. After my wife said she wanted a divorce, apparently mom sent her a nasty email saying she didn't support her, she needed to grow up, and who knows what else. Apparently it was really bad, but I haven't seen it. I also have done my best to avoid talking to any of the family for weeks, step-mother not included.

 

Right now, the way I see it, step-mom wants to try to help us clarify miscommunications between us when she feels she can. She is very honest and I trust her as does my wife. Her intentions are good. When she was here my close friend (I had to eventually tell a friend because I needed support that didn't involve her family!) asked step-mom straight-up...does my wife really want a divorce, yes, no, or is she on the fence. Step-mom said that my wife isn't sure.

 

So...there's that. I think my wife really just came under so much pressure and finally said F-it. Her step-mother agrees with this, though I'm sure there's more to it. Like...not feeling attracted to her husband anymore.

 

So I waited a little over a week and finally emailed my wife. It was a really good email, I didn't accuse her of anything or beg her, I told her I heard her, I understood, that I feel we have some horrible miscommunications and then I told her a little bit about how this process has been a tremendous awakening for me and really helped me learn about myself, how I haven't dealt with stress or depression very well, how it has affected us, etc, and told her that I love her and support her regardless of what happens to us and that I just want her to be happy.

 

She emailed back and said she hears me too, that she thinks we both need to work on ourselves right now and even though we're going through hell it will be the best for us regardless of what happens to us, and that she was glad I had such a great support system right now during a time when she can't be here for me, and that she was really happy I was getting in touch with my spiritual side.

 

Of course I'm synopsizing, but I hope I've captured the feel of these emails.

 

Meanwhile I have been working on myself, trying to grow, get in touch with my spiritual side, become confident again, get away from neediness and dependency that my wife felt I had, exercise, work on the house, and generally become a good man again. The man my wife married and perhaps more. I've been reading non-stop, in fact I wish I had more time to read I have too much stuff lined up that I want to get through.

 

In that reading list includes some marriage books, Homer McDonald's "Stop Your Divorce" and Gary Smalley's "Winning Your Wife Back" just to name a couple. That's what brings me here. I need to reply to her email in the next few days and I have no idea what to say. I could send another nice and well-adjusted email that keeps communication open but doesn't necessarily say much. I could abide by all these damn rules these books put out but I'm not sure we would ever end up talking about anything of any significance. At the same time, I know it would likely be unwise to jump in the deep end and talk about our larger issues.

 

So what do I email her about? It's easy enough to not beg, pressure her, criticize, complain, or do those types of negative things. But how do I move the conversation forward? She's willing and wanting to talk to me, but I need to steer this thing. Do I tell her more about how I'm working on myself? How do I show her I'm becoming a confident man again via email?! Is it wise to bring up a smaller issue that we have a miscommunication on and explain why I felt a certain way? Her step-mother thinks this would be a good step, but some of these damn books are so absolute in their methods. My wife is highly intelligent and she will see through some of this crap.

 

If you read through all of this, thank you. Seriously, thank you. I need help and guidance and I've never done this before and I truly love her and want to fix this. I think neither of us really know how.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Batman57

[Marc878]

My friend a separation is usually to spend more time with her other man. Check your phone bill or have someone check it out like a PI.

 

It sounds like you're being played.

[Batman57]

It's not. It's just us in this situation. I understand why you might say or think that, but this isn't the case. I really need help with the questions I asked at the end of the post.

[S2B]

Keep working on yourself and growing independently.

 

I think she acts mad at her self so it road blocks you getting mad at her...

 

You should be flaming mad!!! Stop hiding your anger. Stop trying to minimize your pain to appease her! SHE ruined your marriage!

 

She doesn't respect you...hence, that's why no sex when you offered it like everything was all ok - yet she refused!

 

IF she was considering YOUR feelings (which she should have been doing) she would have WANTED to connect with you again on an intimate level... but she didn't want to.

 

I think she is still pining away for her OM and that's why she didn't want sex with you.

 

Sorry to say that - but it's VERY likely or she would have jumped at the chance to re-enter the M and set things right.

 

Your wife isn't "all in" - in fact I doubt she's in50%.

 

You want an answer of commit it get off the pot? File those divorce papers and she will either get 150% INTO this marriage or she won't - but either way you'll have an answer and no time wasted with her pretending - which is what she looks like she's doing.

 

Force action from her...immediately. She will either do the work to repair this damage SHE caused or she won't. Stop making it so easy for her to do this again - she will since you haven't laid out severe consequences for her.

 

Sorry she did it - it sucks.

[Marc878]

Most cheaters lie a lot. How did you find out?

 

If they admit to once or twice its usually more. I doubt you know the full truth or how deep of a problem you're dealing with.

 

Writing letters, etc will get you nothing at this time. You need to figure out if he affair is still ongoing. MC or anything else is worthless if it is.

 

Check your phone bill. Hopefully you have a joint account and you can go online and check. Takes 15-20 minutes

[S2B]

It's not. It's just us in this situation. I understand why you might say or think that, but this isn't the case. I really need help with the questions I asked at the end of the post.

 

Stop being her doormat. Don't even email her.

 

See an attorney and take charge of YOUR life without her!

 

She's manipulating you! SHE should be making ALL the effort and she's not.

 

Just stop! She's not that into you.

[Batman57]

I've already checked the phone bill. She has spent more time talking to her mother and step-mother than anyone. Please stop trying to fill me with doubt, I've already made peace with this part of the situation. I'm here where I am right now, trying to fix where we're at in this moment. I will continue to work on myself, but I want to learn how to best communicate with her right now.

[BluesPower]

Here is the deal...

 

There are just some terrible marriage counselors out there. Just a ton of them. And a huge percentage want to start working on the marriage issues and not work through the infidelity.

 

This is a huge mistake. You can learn and grow and that is great, but your wife had an affair and you have to heal from that first.

 

She did what she did because she has issues. Not because of your depression, not because of stress, and all the other things in your marriage. She betrayed and disrespected you in the most horrible way possible. This is on her.

 

You have not begun to deal with that yet. And neither has she. She got caught and she is not remorseful. She regrets getting caught and she would still be in the affair if she had not gotten caught. She still may be having the affair.

 

She has convinced herself that she is not "IN" love with your and she is not attracted because she cheated and is dealing with the guilt.

 

Now, for you. Never chase a woman, ever. If you have issues, fix them. If you are dealing with depression get on the proper meds, exercise, eat right. All of that stuff is stuff you need to do for you. Because you matter.

 

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be able to walk away with your head held high. No spouse is perfect. But your wife's choice to cheat and this is on her and it is not now, and will not ever be your fault.

 

If you get yourself together and start feeling like a complete man, your wife may notice and she may not. The thing is that this affair is not your fault. And, if she is done, there is no way that you can "nice" her back. She is the one that cheated and she should be the one chasing you and she is not.

 

Fact of the matter is that she is probably still sleeping with the guy or a new one while you are separated. Based on some the stuff you said.

 

I say just file for divorce and move on. Get yourself together and you will be a better man for your next relationship.

 

She does not appear to want the marriage and it is time to move on with some dignity in tact.

[Marc878]

Ok, first of all you can't make her do anything or control her. You can only work on or fix yourself. She has to fix herself joy can't go it. No marriage is perfect but the affair was all on her 100%.

 

Writing letters isn't going to help much. I would not act clingy, needy or attempt a lot of contact. Any attempt to manipulate or chase her will only push her further away. Absence may make the heart grow fonder.

 

However, you can't work on anything if you're separated.

 

Most often separation is a bad idea and will lead to divorce.

[BluesPower]

Dude, you don't understand...

 

She is done with the marriage. Communication is not the issue.

 

And if you had a chance to fix it, you need to know that she is not sleeping with the OM any more. IT DOES MATTER.

 

No way you are going to be able to communicate with her while she is still in the affair.

 

What we are all saying is WAKE THE HELL UP. She is most likely still in the affair. She could have another phone or just be talking to him at work. You have no idea what she is doing because you are separated.

 

You are not the one that needs to fix this, SHE IS. And she is not trying to fix it. So you have your answer.

 

We commonly call this an exit affair. She has an affair to convince herself to leave you and she has.

 

I am sorry but you have to get ahold of yourself and file for divorce while you have enough pride to do it.

[Marc878]

I've already checked the phone bill. She has spent more time talking to her mother and step-mother than anyone. Please stop trying to fill me with doubt, I've already made peace with this part of the situation. I'm here where I am right now, trying to fix where we're at in this moment. I will continue to work on myself, but I want to learn how to best communicate with her right now.

 

If you've checked the phone bill and there's nothing there it's a good sign. You can only fix yourself. Go your own way. Can you continue the date nights?

 

You should read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. Many have benefited from it. It's a short read and should give you some help.

 

Good luck

[Batman57]

I see what you guys are saying and where you're coming from. I agree, I can't control her. I don't want to. She needs to come to terms with this on her own. Nor can I force her to move home. She has a lot of work to do on herself, just as I have my own to do. I could end her career and the other guy in an instant and they both know it. I can tell his wife any second. The affair is over.

 

And perhaps separation will lead to divorce. But so too will no communication at all. I'm not being clingy or trying to text/email/call her every day. She emailed me yesterday and I think I should respond sometime later in the week. Responding too soon is needy and clingy, but waiting a month or not responding at all isn't great either.

 

We need to create a safe space between us where we can start to communicate, that's the only way anything improves. That was the whole reason I started this thread -- how do I do that? How can I help facilitate from my end, restarting our communication and trying to improve relations?

[S2B]

Wild horses wouldn't keep someone away if they really loved you.

 

She's lukewarm because she's not into the marriage. She also may be checking out her options. Why would she tell you that? It's her actions (or non actions) that show she's not that keen on you.

 

Nothing would keep her away IF she was interested.

 

Don't contact her at all - wait until SHE makes the effort and chases you. Then and only then answer with one word answers.

 

Literally Dude, SHE SHOULD BE BEGGING YOU AND CHASING YOU! Since she's not - forget her and get busy living!!

[S2B]

I see what you guys are saying and where you're coming from. I agree, I can't control her. I don't want to. She needs to come to terms with this on her own. Nor can I force her to move home. She has a lot of work to do on herself, just as I have my own to do. I could end her career and the other guy in an instant and they both know it. I can tell his wife any second. The affair is over.

 

And perhaps separation will lead to divorce. But so too will no communication at all. I'm not being clingy or trying to text/email/call her every day. She emailed me yesterday and I think I should respond sometime later in the week. Responding too soon is needy and clingy, but waiting a month or not responding at all isn't great either.

 

We need to create a safe space between us where we can start to communicate, that's the only way anything improves. That was the whole reason I started this thread -- how do I do that? How can I help facilitate from my end, restarting our communication and trying to improve relations?

 

You see - you did it again... YOU can't make her communicate more! SHE doesn't want to!

 

And YES, absolutely tell his wife! Exposing helps the secret not be so secret anymore.

 

Tell the wife today! Do NOT tell your wife you plan to expose.

[Marc878]

She emailed back and said she hears me too, that she thinks we both need to work on ourselves right now and even though we're going through hell it will be the best for us regardless of what happens to us, and that she was glad I had such a great support system right now during a time when she can't be here for me, and that she was really happy I was getting in touch with my spiritual side.

 

Of course I'm synopsizing, but I hope I've captured the feel of these emails.

 

Meanwhile I have been working on myself, trying to grow, get in touch with my spiritual side, become confident again, get away from neediness and dependency that my wife felt I had, exercise, work on the house, and generally become a good man again. The man my wife married and perhaps more. I've been reading non-stop, in fact I wish I had more time to read I have too much stuff lined up that I want to get through.

 

In that reading list includes some marriage books, Homer McDonald's "Stop Your Divorce" and Gary Smalley's "Winning Your Wife Back" just to name a couple. That's what brings me here. I need to reply to her email in the next few days and I have no idea what to say. I could send another nice and well-adjusted email that keeps communication open but doesn't necessarily say much. I could abide by all these damn rules these books put out but I'm not sure we would ever end up talking about anything of any significance. At the same time, I know it would likely be unwise to jump in the deep end and talk about our larger issues.

 

So what do I email her about? It's easy enough to not beg, pressure her, criticize, complain, or do those types of negative things. But how do I move the conversation forward? She's willing and wanting to talk to me, but I need to steer this thing. Do I tell her more about how I'm working on myself? How do I show her I'm becoming a confident man again via email?! Is it wise to bring up a smaller issue that we have a miscommunication on and explain why I felt a certain way? Her step-mother thinks this would be a good step, but some of these damn books are so absolute in their methods. My wife is highly intelligent and she will see through some of this crap.

.

 

Trying to nice them back never works. You're working on yourself which is good.

What's she doing? If she wanted this marriage she'd be trying to salvage it.

 

Bottom line. You can't do it alone. It takes two.

 

Until she puts forth some commitment you Ho your own way. Go out with friends, find some interests. Join a gym, etc

 

Upgrade your wardrobe keep your haircut, look and smell nice. Learning to live alone has great benefits. I'm assuming you have no children. What's your ages?

[S2B]

Your title says your wife wants a divorce. Why haven't you filed divorce papers then?

 

You shouldn't have to bed anyone to love you - and that's what it looks like you're doing by waiting around and trying to appease her bad behavior.

[S2B]

And don't think this isn't who she is... she IS a cheater.

 

You want to be married to someone who cheats? Think long and hard about that.

[Marc878]

You see - you did it again... YOU can't make her communicate more! SHE doesn't want to!

 

And YES, absolutely tell his wife! Exposing helps the secret not be so secret anymore.

 

Tell the wife today! Do NOT tell your wife you plan to expose.

 

Absolutely!!!! Helping hide their affair is a huge mistake.

 

You are affraid of pushing her away. She's already gone.

 

Hiding it is a form of trying to nice them back which makes you look weak.

 

Plus if they still have contact it could and often fires back up.

[Marc878]

I see what you guys are saying and where you're coming from. I agree, I can't control her. I don't want to. She needs to come to terms with this on her own. Nor can I force her to move home. She has a lot of work to do on herself, just as I have my own to do. I could end her career and the other guy in an instant and they both know it. I can tell his wife any second. The affair is over.

 

And perhaps separation will lead to divorce. But so too will no communication at all. I'm not being clingy or trying to text/email/call her every day. She emailed me yesterday and I think I should respond sometime later in the week. Responding too soon is needy and clingy, but waiting a month or not responding at all isn't great either.

 

We need to create a safe space between us where we can start to communicate, that's the only way anything improves. That was the whole reason I started this thread -- how do I do that? How can I help facilitate from my end, restarting our communication and trying to improve relations?

 

What was her email about?

 

How did you find out about the affair?

[S2B]

Why are you putting so much effort into her when she said (your title) she wants a divorce?

[whichwayisup]

She still works with this co worker she had the affair with? Is it possible she's still in contact with him, not sleeping with him but building a friendship (emotional affair) with him? Because if she is still talking to him, fixing things with her is a mistake and a waste of your time.

 

Instead of filing for divorce, separate. Take a break from the talking and how about go out once a week on a date night? Have fun and keep things light. Bond again without all the pressure of fixing and talking things out. Just a suggestion. Hope your wife is open to it.

[Jersey born raised]

Acknowledge receipt of the email, confirm any questions by rewriting them, ask her to contact to you if you misread her questions and close by saying you will get back to her towards the end of the week.

[whichwayisup]

Tried to edit my post, wanted to add more..

 

In the meantime, give her time and space. She's the unhappy one, the one who bailed on you during your depression. Instead of getting you professional help, seeking counseling and going on meds, she chose to play the "i can't save you" so i'll cheat on you instead of sticking it out and just being supportive. She messed up big here and she shouldn't be let off the hook so easily, you should not have to jump through hoops! She is the one who had the affair.

 

May I ask why you didn't tell the MM's wife? Most affairs totally end with exposure on both ends. You can't say for sure if they are in total NC, especially since they work at the same place.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Batman, sorry to see you in this situation. I guess you are getting a lot of bitter medicine advice from folks who have been at the receiving end of infidelity from their spouses. I guess you are the only one who is in the unique position of knowing your wife well enough to know what her issues are/were and whether some of what the good folk here are saying could be true about her. As long as you have your eyes wide open and you antennas up you should not worry too much about other peoples opinions but go with your own gut feel about things.

 

I wanted to ask you a few things. Firstly how old are the two of you and how long have you been married? Do you have any kids and if so are they staying with her or is there a joint custody arrangement in place? Also, what exactly were the issues your wife had with you prior to her cheating? Are both of you very religious? You said something about her being very spiritual or trying to connect with her spiritual self, but did you mean that to be that she is very religious? Spirituality and religiosity can be two very different things and someone who is religious need not be very spiritual at all. In fact as my Grandfather used to say of those that religiously attended church and would not miss out even one Sunday in the year, that they practiced Churchianity and not Christianity. People who are hot on Church have been known to be some of the biggest scoundrels when it came to philandering. If you don't believe me then read Overtaxed's thread. His wife was led up the garden path by a so called Church leader. My point here is that being regular at Church or professing to be spiritual( read going regularly to Church) does not insulate one from infidelity.

 

How was your marriage over it's full course? Excellent, Good, Average or poor? Also, if it was was generally good through the earlier years and only deteriorated in the last couple of years, what were the specific factors that you are aware of that led to this deterioration? Have you thought of sitting down with your wife in a quiet place and having a heart to heart talk with her about her intentions? I think you would be well served to put the ball in her court by asking her what exactly she wants. Does she want to reconcile or does she want to proceed with the divorce? There should be no third option such as allowing her to sit on the fence. Also, you should NOT hesitate in being upfront with this demand by thinking that it will scare her off. As S2B has said, if she wanted to be with you she would have come running home. If she hesitates in answering this question then you have been given your answer. It would be time to move on. A marriage cannot be paused as you can pause a song or a video on a player. A pause sounds it's death knell.

 

In closing I would recommend that you get a copy of the book 'Psycho Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. It can be life changing for you and completely overhaul your personality and outlook on life making you attractive to just about any woman who cares to give you the time of day! Not only that it will help you become successful in whatever you choose to do while giving you a vibrant personality.Whether you reconcile with your wife or go the divorce route, this book will help in getting you success in all your future endeavours including, if need be, wooing another woman to become your wife. Hope this helps ypu. Warm wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

That was the whole reason I started this thread -- how do I do that? How can I help facilitate from my end, restarting our communication and trying to improve relations?

 

Batman57, google "exit affair", I'd guess that's what your wife has done.

 

You went down a very dark road, she wouldn't or couldn't follow you there and used the affair to check out of the marriage. Having served its purpose, she's probably done with the OM. And unfortunately no longer in love with you, she's most likely not coming back to the marriage.

 

I'd be neutral in tone with any communication or emails. Your only chance is to independently move on with your life and demonstrate real change and strength, she may ultimately see you as a different guy from the depressed husband she fell out of love with. Chasing her will only drive her further away.

 

Keep posting, let us know how the journey goes...

 

Mr. Lucky