Am I letting the past ruin my relationship?

[cathp]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 and a half years now. But I first met him 10 years ago when I was about 18 in a club. I liked him straight away but he made it clear he didn't want a girlfriend. We seen each other on and off for years. I would end up bumping in to him again or he would text me out of the blue and start things back up.

 

I used to be too scared to put my foot down and say no I can't see you unless we are properly together as I knew I wouldn't see him again. He is a few years older and had never had a girlfriend. The thing is he would phone me up drunk telling me he loved me, string me along, acted like we were sort of in a relationship which made it harder for me. Seeing texts on his phone from a girl from the night before when he was out I just felt sick. He would say he had never slept with anyone just kissed other girls while seeing me. But still keeping it clear we were not actually in a relationship.

 

I had stopped seeing him for a full year and a half because he broke it off when I asked him to come to my mums house (where I lived) I only asked because I was fed up getting taxis to his. Why shouldn't he pay for taxis to mines?

 

That year and a half I would constantly obsess over what he was doing on facebook. Never try to speak to him though. I would try and see other guys to try and forget about him but it never really helped. He would delete me and add me on facebook again and again. One christmas he messaged me on facebook saying he loved me, then saying sorry I was drunk. Then it happened again at new year.

 

One night I was out in a club with my friend and seen his brother and said hi. Ten minutes later he appeared and stood there just smiling. I felt sick and ran to the toilet. Took me a while but I eventually went over and spoke to him. We sat down and he said he wanted to be with me and make a go of it. Said I was the only girl he ever loved etc. I started crying but ended up going back to his.

 

I went out on my first date with him after this. I was nervous and apprehensive but at the same time thinking this was all I ever wanted. He seemed to make such an effort and was totally different towards me. What I had always wanted. Anyway, we have been together properly for 4 and a half years. We are happy. But every time I am drunk I bring stuff up from the past and get argumentative. I feel like its because the relationship started on a really ****ing ****ty note. This was mainly at the start of the relationship. But sometimes I will think about stuff and get really paranoid. I just keep thinking of things that happened before we were together, the way he would look at other girls or even my friend when I was standing there right next to him. He hasn't done anything since we have been together. I have checked his phone etc but seems all good.

 

The two main things niggling at me from the current relationship are: no 1 - I had thrown a party for his 30th not long ago, I was telling him about someone saying in the toilet about one of his friends being a cheater. I said I don't know if I caught what she said right but that's what I though she said. My bfs reply - people can take things like just kissing your friend hello as cheating, that's what I do! So apparently when greeting his friends (only friends hes known for a very long time) he kisses them on the lips, as in a peck on the lips. He said I was there when he has done it? I was furious. Took me weeks to get my head around it. Apparently he had kissed/ pecked a few of his old female school friends at his party when they arrived to say hello , a couple in front of their bfs so it can't have been in a sexual way? They do it to him or he does it to them? Most people I have asked have said its innocent hes done nothing wrong. The others are girls I know he has been friends with since school and are in no way attractive. I have hung about with them while he has been there and know there is nothing going on at all in the slightest. I took it as that but said he needs to stop doing it as I don't even kiss my mum on the lips. He had no problem with it.

 

But after picking him up from work the next day he said his boss who is quite a bit old said happy birthday and gave him a peck on the lips. That couldn't really be avoided though in my mind. And it almost made me feel a bit more at ease with is as if well it must be normal? Or was he saying that to make me feel like it was normal? That's me over thinking again!

 

2nd - the other night we were away staying in a hotel, I was drunk and asked him if he cheated when he went to ibiza. I was talking about this holiday he went on with his friends right at the start of our relationship that he already had booked when we first started going out properly 4.5 years ago. He apparently thought I meant when we were just seeing each other years before, as he used to go every year (up until we started going out). He said yes I admit I did sleep with a girl. i went mad thinking me meant the one when we were going out. He cleared that up straight away. But I am now thinking well he was obviously lying to me back then why not now when we are going out?

 

Saying that I think my anxiety just makes me paranoid and I over think things way too much. I start to blur the lines between when we were together and when we were not and see him as the same person when I should be focusing on how we are now? I seem to get in to moment or days when I will focus on one thing that's happened and not be able to stop, it will snowball and I will go over every single thing he's done in the past and feel sorry for myself. Even writing all this down makes me realize how silly I can be about it.

Edited January 30, 2017 by cathp

[smackie9]

Someone who you have been off and on again for years makes a terrible BF.

 

Think about it....all that time you were not good enough for him to be his GF.

[Space Ritual]

I do not think you are letting the past ruin your relationship as much as you are actually trying to force a relationship out of a pseudo FWB Situation that initially did not end well.

 

 

On again, off again situations like you were in with this guy are as good as they are going to get exactly when they are that. Committed relationships after all that back and forth look romantic in movies, but not in real life. From yoru previous experience with thsi guy, you already have a well formed opinion of him by how he has acted and vice versa.

 

I hate to tell you, but I don't think this will work, an it is because sometimes FWB's are best left as FWB's. I think your situation qualifies for it being left alone.