Marc878 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 David, hope that you can get your marriage back on track. Everyone here is jumping to conclusions. As a woman, I can tell you that there is so much more to a marriage that physical intimacy, and the lack of such could just be an indication of a deeper problem in your relationship. If both of you are willing, it can be healed. Despite what current pop culture says...men and woman ARE NOT the same! God definitely designed us differently!! Based on your notes here, your wife probably is exhausted! Both emotionally and physically. If her needs are met, well (how do I say this delicately)....then she will be able to meet yours. Try talking to her, asking her how she feels about things and if there's anything that you can do to help. It took me a long time to realize that my husband COULDN'T read my mind. Tell her how you feel too...that you MISS the intimacy, and that you want to work to reconnect. Ask her flat out if she wants to reconnect too!! That is just for starters. There are so many little things you can do to rekindle your spark....but you have to make the effort with out expecting immediate gratification. Good Luck....give it your best effort and I think that you will be surprised! Exactly. Excellent post. Anyone should be able to arrange a date night. Nothing special. Doesn't have to be expensive. Find a sitter for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I think someone who is cheating would make up a lie about where they were. But make no mistake, your marriage is in trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Infrequent sex without a medical condition.... that sounds like a passionless marriage. Why would anyone want that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kiyoma Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I agree with those who are pointing out that you wife is having an affair. How do I know? Because I do exactly as your wife does. I tell my wife I am going out. If she asks with whom, my reply is office collegues. When I will be returning? "I don't know". Also, I have stopped initiating completely. Because I'm not attracted to her anymore. Thats another story that she never initiates with me. So I don't have the "luxury" of rejecting her. But the current state of your marriage just sounds like mine with the roles reversed. Then why would she be concerned that I essentially moved myself into the other bedroom and said I needed some space to think. For someone who wouldn't care she seemed surprised and hurt by it. I think you are placing too much importance on a momentary reaction. Did she repeatedly try to talk to you about it? I mean, coming on a second time and taking an empathetic stance with you? Demand that this in house separation needs to be thoroughly discussed? I guess not. This is true, I definitely was weak on it but prefer to have proof before confronting. Of course, having my two kids with me makes it challenging to try and confirm suspicions One of most profound trait that doesn't attract women, even those married to their husband is the man's passiveness. Work on it. Remind her she is married and has to let you know where she is going because you share a house together and prior knowledge ins and outs is the norm. You two are not roommates. You can confirm your suspicions if you want. There are various ways. Buy two three voice activated recorders (VARs) and place them in her car and places were you know she might use are phone. Check the phone bills and look for a number that is frequent. Use Truecaller to identify the registered name on that number. If she is using pattern lock in her phone, try to look at the pattern. Then break into it. If she is using numeric password, I hear there is a keylogger software that breaks passwords, but I am not sure how it works. Hell you can even go the old school way of taking a week off from working and follow her but don't tell her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kiyoma Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I know you don't want to think your wife is cheating (no one wants to think that their spouse is betraying them). So I see nothing wrong with that. But as Arthur Conan Doyle put in the mouth of Sherlock Holmes "Dear Watson, when you remove all impossibilities, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth" You have a bad gut feeling. Don't be passive now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kiyoma Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You have been in a marriage where she held the sex card. SHE decided when you had sex, OR NOT. SHE doesn't see turning you down as rejection, she sees that as "normal". BUT you turned the tables here, you rejected her and I guess that sounded the deathknell for your marriage. You then compounded the hurt and upset by moving yourself into the spare room. She has checked out now. I don''t know if she is having an affair or not, but your marriage is I guess finished as far as she is concerned. She may be washing the car, she may be out shopping, she may be having coffee with her friends, or she may be entertaining another man, but it is no longer any of your business, she has made that clear. Women in general need to feel wanted and desired, they want to feel like the hottest woman on the planet to their SO. He plays the game, he boosts her ego, she boosts his, and they have sex. Both feel good. BY this passive aggressive display I guess you produced a huge rift in your marriage, one that you now may find impossible to repair without help. You maybe giving the practical way how things works in a woman's head in a marriage but this just seems unfair. Like a woman makes a half-arsed attempt of "rekindling things" and when the outcome is not what she desired, then she is justified to take an out (whatever means it may be). You are selling the point that a bad state of marriage is always the fault of a man. And it always has to be the duty of a man to keep things going in a marriage and to the satisfaction of his wife. This is so messed up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I don't like the games - I mainly did it just so I can get my head right since I was extremely mad with her comment. Moving into another room certainly isn't something I've done before. Other aspects are good - we have fun and enjoy each others company. We have two kids (one of which is special needs) so having time alone is a challenge in and of itself so it makes date nights extremely rare. Its difficult to find a babysitter who can or appears to be able to handle a special needs kiddo. So we usually depend on family for 1x1 date nights which are rare and usually turns into only a few hours. In the romantic department - I've tried off and on but its rather difficult to get away for something like that. I obiovulsy get gifts and give attention and don't hesitate to help anyway I can and recognize special dates with gifts and such. The more I play things in my head the more I lean towards her being stressed out, wanting girl time, and getting away from the kids/me vs. an affair but it doesn't justify her comment of not having to tell me where she is. Something just doesn't seem to add up. Do you have her passwords? If so, go to google and log in as her. So long as she had her phone on her when she went to the car wash you can go to 'locations' and see where she was on that date and time. By the way, it is very apparent she is having an affair which is why she needs more time away from you and doesn't feel she needs to tell you what is up. She is banking on your weakness and naïve nature to not get caught. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author david1210 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 So just a quick update - It happened again even after all our talking she "didn't purposefully forget to tell me her lunch plans" but I happened to come home early and noticed she wasn't home. On a side note, she's volunteered to help move me into the guest bedroom. Interesting reaction from her I should say - not sure what to make of that at all other than she's encouraging the distance/separation. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 So just a quick update - It happened again even after all our talking she "didn't purposefully forget to tell me her lunch plans" but I happened to come home early and noticed she wasn't home. On a side note, she's volunteered to help move me into the guest bedroom. Interesting reaction from her I should say - not sure what to make of that at all other than she's encouraging the distance/separation. Classic signs of an affair. I bet her phone is password protected too. You gotta wake up to what is happening. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Classic signs of an affair. I bet her phone is password protected too. You gotta wake up to what is happening. I really really really second this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I wouldn't necessarily tell my husband my plans on a day off, but if he asked, I'd tell him straight away. Did she know you'd be coming home early? Is she playing games with you? You need to decide if you want to carry on in the marriage as it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Classic signs of an affair. At this point, what does it matter? On a side note, she's volunteered to help move me into the guest bedroom. Interesting reaction from her I should say - not sure what to make of that at all other than she's encouraging the distance/separation. david1210, I wouldn't care if she was involved with someone else, my focus would be on the fact she wanted no involvement with me. Even if she was being faithful, under these conditions why stay ??? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author david1210 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Just a final update - as many suggested she was not being faithful to me. I hate to admit it, but I used Find my iPhone and was able to locate where she was and watched from afar when they were leaving the restaurant. Holding hands, kissing and him showing her to he car. I called her cell phone as soon as she got in the car and was told she was caught up at work and would be home soon. Needless to say, I was able to get home before her and just sat there in the chair. She knew I knew and I called her out on it. She's demanding to know how I caught her and is threatening to go to a lawyer but I'm fairly certain theres not much that will come out of that - no reasonable expectation of privacy in public. This morning she had a melt down and wanted to work it out but I'm well past that at this point. Time to put me and the kids ahead and figure out how to unweave this mess. Thanks all for input again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Dave I am sorry I know how much it hurts. Bud, keep posting as you go through this and everyone here will help you as best we can. Listen, I know that this feels like the in of the world, but as hard as it is to believe, it is not. If you decide to get divorced there is a whole world out there for you. If you decide to reconcile, a marriage can get over this. Hang in there buddy and stay strong. Keep posting... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 David, I am sorry for your pain. You seem to know your limit and you are done. This is good. You are a step closer to putting this sexless relationship behind you, healing from the pain of her betrayal and continuous rejection of you, and finding a fulfilling relationship with a level of intimacy that meets your needs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it seems like a long road ahead, but as someone who has been there, trust me IT DOES GET BETTER. Keep posting here if you need to vent, or some help and guidance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Yes keep posting. Remember on matter how upset and angry you are, keep your temper under control. Too many guys in your situation get out of hand, they start throwing the wife out of the home, shouting and threatening her or confronting OMs, the police get involved and it all ends up a mess with sometimes the husband being arrested, charged and made homeless and then he has difficulty seeing his kids. Think clever here. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 David, I am sorry for your pain. You seem to know your limit and you are done. This is good. You are a step closer to putting this sexless relationship behind you, healing from the pain of her betrayal and continuous rejection of you, and finding a fulfilling relationship with a level of intimacy that meets your needs. This. I hope that you keep posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Just a final update - as many suggested she was not being faithful to me. I hate to admit it, but I used Find my iPhone and was able to locate where she was and watched from afar when they were leaving the restaurant. Holding hands, kissing and him showing her to he car. I called her cell phone as soon as she got in the car and was told she was caught up at work and would be home soon. Needless to say, I was able to get home before her and just sat there in the chair. She knew I knew and I called her out on it. She's demanding to know how I caught her and is threatening to go to a lawyer but I'm fairly certain theres not much that will come out of that - no reasonable expectation of privacy in public. This morning she had a melt down and wanted to work it out but I'm well past that at this point. Time to put me and the kids ahead and figure out how to unweave this mess. Thanks all for input again. Don't give up your methods to her. Just tell her that she exhibited all the classic signs of a cheater and its obvious. She is not remorseful obviously and only demands to know that so she can cover her tracks later and figure out what to do and not to do in order to not get caught again. Glad you are doing what is right for you and kids. Once she sees the pain the kids will go through thanks to her selfish actions, she will regret this and realize she put her life on a worse trajectory. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) Just a final update - as many suggested she was not being faithful to me. I hate to admit it, but I used Find my iPhone and was able to locate where she was and watched from afar when they were leaving the restaurant. Holding hands, kissing and him showing her to he car. I called her cell phone as soon as she got in the car and was told she was caught up at work and would be home soon. Needless to say, I was able to get home before her and just sat there in the chair. She knew I knew and I called her out on it. She's demanding to know how I caught her and is threatening to go to a lawyer but I'm fairly certain theres not much that will come out of that - no reasonable expectation of privacy in public. This morning she had a melt down and wanted to work it out but I'm well past that at this point. Time to put me and the kids ahead and figure out how to unweave this mess. Thanks all for input again. I am so sorry - so you are divorcing now. Seems the right choice in your situation. Best wishes for a new and better life. Stay strong. Edited February 2, 2017 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 She's demanding to know how I caught her and is threatening to go to a lawyer Now you're getting a real glimpse under the hood. Let's just agree your marriage isn't her main focus or area of concern... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vinny1951 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 I would not tolerate an answer like your wife gave you. I would assume the worst and tell her that her behavior is typical of someone who has something to hide and you cannot live thinking she is cheating on you. We use our iPhones to keep track of each other, not for cheating purposes but to know when the other is on their way home or to make sure that there was no medical emergency since we are senior citizens. I also had my first fiancee cheat on me so I have a healthy does of distrust of my lovers. I could not imagine my wife telling me that it was none of my business where she was. She is my wife so it is my business. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Just a final update - as many suggested she was not being faithful to me. I hate to admit it, but I used Find my iPhone and was able to locate where she was and watched from afar when they were leaving the restaurant. Holding hands, kissing and him showing her to he car. I called her cell phone as soon as she got in the car and was told she was caught up at work and would be home soon. Needless to say, I was able to get home before her and just sat there in the chair. She knew I knew and I called her out on it. She's demanding to know how I caught her and is threatening to go to a lawyer but I'm fairly certain theres not much that will come out of that - no reasonable expectation of privacy in public. This morning she had a melt down and wanted to work it out but I'm well past that at this point. Time to put me and the kids ahead and figure out how to unweave this mess. Thanks all for input again. Uh huh. Good grief, we get some whoppers here sometimes... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 You need to inform her other mans spouse if he's married. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Hey All- Been doing some reading and searching on here but didn't exactly find what I was looking for. My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and up until recently things were mostly fine. I say mostly since she really isn't all that affectionate with me, in fact we haven't been intimate in 5 months but thats not the longest stretch so I don't find it all that unusual. I have made advances and am usually told she is tired or "tomorrow" which of course never occurs. About a month ago I tried to initiate and was told "I am not in the mood at all". About two weeks ago she tried to initiate for once and I returned the same response mainly just out of anger "I'm not in the mood". That's the first time I've ever turned her down and I mainly did it just for spite (I can admit it) Now you know why. It's not unusual for a cheater to cut off sex with the spouse because they don't want to cheat on their affair partner. Sounds sick but it happens a lot. She was having lots of sex just not with you. Get an STD test. You only know the "tip of this iceberg". You need a hard 180. Please read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download The 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts